Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 nieces who are very different

102 replies

SMarie123 · 08/07/2020 18:42

Hi all ,

I have 2 nieces one aged 7 and 13, I have 3 DC's under 5. In the school holidays the older niece helps me with day trips to beaches, zoo etc she isn't minding the kids just an extra pair of hands eg she Will carry stuff, push a buggy, sit with them when I change a nappy. In return I treat her very nicely, lots of long chats, nice food, every so often £10/ £20 if it has been a long day or a lot of grief.

SIL (who is a dear friend) wants me to take niece 2 because she said she feels left out. I totally see her perspective, she is so genuine she isn't trying to offload childcare. But there is a huge difference in age and niece 2 is pretty challenging in herself. If niece 1 &2 are together they constantly bicker. Niece 2 by herself isn't really help at all. I kind of don't want the responsibility of her (she wanders off and gets lost very frequently with her parents, luckily never with me). If there is no money at the end of the day trip she storms off and complains loudly...

What would you do?

OP posts:
mrscampbellblackagain · 08/07/2020 19:43

I have 3 and no way would I have taken an unreliable 7 year old as well as my 3 when they were those ages.

So, I would have said to sil sorry but I guess I won't be able to take either of them now.

3 small children is a lot to manage without a 7 year old in tow as well.

Teacher12345 · 08/07/2020 19:43

I can see oth points of view here. My MIL favours having my eldest as he is much easier. Fair enough, but it isn't fair on the youngest. I would rather she has them both less rather than frequently taking just one of them. I think you either need to stop having the eldest accompany you or adapt your plans so the youngest can come. To a 7 yr old, her sister is being favoured.

Waveysnail · 08/07/2020 19:44

Crikey that's a difficult one. They are such different ages and a 13 year old is help (my own 12 year old often helps with his younger brothers). I dont know the answer. Not sure why sil doesnt do something special with 7 year old when 13 year old is helping you.

PumpkinP · 08/07/2020 19:45

I h ad this growing up. My sister was the favourite child and would often get taken on day trips out with family members and me and my brother was left at home. She would come back with icecreams / McDonald's it was horrible to be honest. Children shouldn't be treated like that. To the 7 year old her sister gets a fun day out whilst she's left at home

youhave4substitutes · 08/07/2020 19:47

Oh I couldn't leave a 7 year old while her sister and cousins came to the beach Sad

BankofNook · 08/07/2020 19:48

From experience of a family member treating my DC differently no matter how exciting you try and make it for the child who is left behind, to them it is nowhere near as exciting as the day out - and nice food, and long chats, and £10/£20 - being bestowed on the other child. It's not nice to feel unwanted.

BankofNook · 08/07/2020 19:51

And also from experience, I took four DC of my own out as well as my DN who is/was the same age as my eldest so would often have a baby, a 3yo, a 5yo, and two 7yo's. I picked days out and locations where I knew I could manage them all on my own. It can be done.

halcyondays · 08/07/2020 19:53

I don’t know why you seem to be expecting the 7 year old to help in the same way the 13 year old does.

Pollocking · 08/07/2020 19:54

I agree with those who say you need to formalise the mother’s helper relationship, otherwise it just looks like you’re taking your older niece along on junkets and neglecting her younger sister. I also think you’re verging on exploiting your older niece, if you think you’re compensating her by ‘long talks’ and nice food, for the most part.

Atalune · 08/07/2020 19:55

I can see all the points here and there isn’t an easy answer.

Does the older niece have any older mates who would be willing to be a mothers help to you and you don’t take any of the nieces out?

You have the younger one with you on your own and SIL has your 3?

It’s complicated as it family. It’s a lucky convenience that their is an older niece for you to use as a bit of a hand, it’s heartbreaking for the younger niece to be left out.

Lose lose.

Thingsthatgo · 08/07/2020 20:01

I was the 7 year old in this situation as a child. (Not with an auntie, but a family friend. She used to take out my big sister, who is 7 years older than me). I was gutted every single time. My sister was there to help out mostly, but always had a brilliant time, with lots of treats and often a gift or cash to say thank you as well. She had a much more grown up relationship with this family friend too, and ‘in jokes’ and shared memories. I think it still stings a bit Blush

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/07/2020 20:03

Maybe it would be better to stick to joint outings w SiL and all the children for now then OP?

NeverMindDontFuckOffSomeMore · 08/07/2020 20:37

Firstly OP ignore the "aw noooooes I could never do that to my niece" comments because they're full of shit. I'd wager my life none of them have ever had 3 under 5 so they have no idea what they'd do in your circumstances.

The one poster who said she has, said she wouldn't do it. I had the same and would I fuck take an extra 7 year old out with me. Particularly one who hadn't even learned to not wander off. Really unacceptable behaviour from a seven year old btw.

It's just not doable.

I also think your SIL is taking the absolute piss asking you when she's not even related to you. Are these your brother's daughter's or your husband's nieces? If it's your husband why hasn't she asked him? If it's your brother tell him his wife to stop asking for free babysitting.

Honestly. Friend or no friend she's rude.

Two kids with a substantial age gap means she is clueless as to what it's like for you. I used to have the odd tween round as a "mother's helper too" not a relation as I didn't have any. But realistically you're bringing the niece to help you out, this, in turn, helps her out and also her parents.

Tell your cheeky fucking sil, that you understand it's really important for the niece to spend time with her cousins so she can have your three. Any time she wants.

If she isn't happy with that then point out that your eldest niece will need to stop coming round and offer a neighbour the opportunity. It's probably easier for you as you have someone nearby. Can make life so much easier when you need a shower or to eat.

How much do you want to bet that as yours get older she isn't offering to have the three of them for days out?

NeverMindDontFuckOffSomeMore · 08/07/2020 20:40

I honestly can't understand why she can't tell her little angel that the eldest is babysitting and no, she can't come. This will happen more and more as she gets older and the eldest becomes a proper teenager.

If they were the same age and you were being malicious it would be entirely different. But at 13 she is basically an extra pair of hands. The 7 year old can't have everything she wants.

It might also be a nice chance for SIL to explain to the 7 year old that if she contines to wander off people WILL NOT want to take her out.

NeverMindDontFuckOffSomeMore · 08/07/2020 20:41

If there is no money at the end of the day trip she storms off and complains loudly...

And don't get me started on this. Shock

SunbathingDragon · 08/07/2020 20:45

Why don’t you just admit your don’t particularly like your younger niece and favour your older niece over her. The nieces can see it, your SIL can see it and it comes across in every post you write.

I suspect the way you treat DN1 compared to DN2 is largely the issue with the bickering when together and why your time with DN2 isn’t as enjoyable.

If you were my SIL, you wouldn’t spend time with either of my children because favouring one over the other is just cruel.

Original poster
SMarie123 · 08/07/2020 20:46

@Porcupineinwaiting

Maybe it would be better to stick to joint outings w SiL and all the children for now then OP?
I think you are right.

I do think it is sad though because Sil actually suggested dN1 help me out when I had a c section. The relationship really flourished and we get on really really well.

Dn1 has a scholarship for a school far away, so she has no local friends. Dn2 has lots of friends in the neighborhood. DN1 has been so lonely in the lockdown.

To me it is not unreasonable to treat people of totally different ages differently, they are different and it would be unreasonable to expect the same.

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 08/07/2020 20:49

7 is very young for any kind of responsibility, what are you expecting of her? Take her out without her big sis every now and then and buy her an ice cream. She'll be very different at 13.

Quartz2208 · 08/07/2020 20:49

No it isnt unreasonable but you do need to figure out your motives

Is it for you because it is helpful for you NOT ON

is it because you feel for your niece and enjoy spending time with her then do something with her for her

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks · 08/07/2020 20:52

How sad if the 13yo has to stop hermother’s help «job» just because she has a younger sister who can’t do it yet.

Phineyj · 08/07/2020 20:56

I think the overriding fact here is the 7 year old wouldn't be safe. That comes before her feeling left out. Better grumpy than injured or worse! Just tell SIL what you've said here. DN2 is welcome to come whenever a second adult is available.

Original poster
SMarie123 · 08/07/2020 21:14

@SunbathingDragon

Why don’t you just admit your don’t particularly like your younger niece and favour your older niece over her. The nieces can see it, your SIL can see it and it comes across in every post you write.

I suspect the way you treat DN1 compared to DN2 is largely the issue with the bickering when together and why your time with DN2 isn’t as enjoyable.

If you were my SIL, you wouldn’t spend time with either of my children because favouring one over the other is just cruel.

I do like her but I don't want to be responsible for her, as well as my 3 kids. I wouldn't want any 7 year old.

I would however be responsible for a teen because they carry less responsibility and offer more help. This is a teen I would pay in a formal arrangement, but I have been asked not to.

OP posts:
IHateCoronavirus · 08/07/2020 21:15

In the Sil’s position I would use the situation as a teachable moment. “I’m sorry auntie won’t be able to take you until you are able to stay with the group, treat people with respect, etc. DSis is much older and is only going to help Auntie look after your little cousins. Maybe when you are 13 you can have a similar job, would you like that? Now, what can we do together while it is just the two of us?”

Quartz2208 · 08/07/2020 21:16

why asked not to?

THe dynamic seems odd in the family are they full siblings?

TW2013 · 08/07/2020 21:17

My eldest does some babysitting, my youngest wouldn't dream of complaining about it not least because it is sometimes his classmates! There is only 4.5yrs between them but a substantial gap in responsibility. Will the older niece not be able to get a job somewhere else because the younger niece might be upset? I do think though it would be worth formalising the relationship. Your dn1 is old enough to look after herself, it is not unreasonable to expect a parent to come with your younger dn.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.