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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not always want to share events with all my in laws

85 replies

Napqueen1234 · 07/07/2020 14:11

Prepared to be told I am just thought I’d seek advice.

I have two DDs one 4 today one 4 months. Today is DDs nursery day and she was keen to go as they have a little ‘party’ for them and she wanted to see her friends on her birthday- absolutely fine. We all got up this morning had presents and a nice birthday breakfast and I’m picking her up early (3:45ish) to have some time this afternoon too.

The issue I’m having is my in laws. They are always quite overbearing at events (Christmas, christenings, birthdays etc) MIL particularly. We saw them at the weekend and am seeing them on Friday and messaged her saying shall I bring a cake so we can have a little late birthday party. Her response is no Ill come over Tuesday afternoon to see her. No asking just that’s what’s happening. We asked her to come for 6 so we have a bit of time alone first but she FaceTimed for 20 mins this morning which took a large chunk of time (why?! She’s seeing her later!) and now the in laws want a family zoom at half 4 so they can all see her. I find it hard to say no as it isn’t my family and I don’t know if I’m just being grumpy but it just eats into our family time. I want to celebrate my daughters birthday as a 4 the way my parents did when I was little. My grandparents would send a card, ring us at the end of the day and wish us a happy birThday and see us around the time or at a party if we had one but wouldn’t insist on coming on the day.

MIL insists on doing this every birthday (DH was 32 recently and she insisted on coming over, she wanted to come for my birthday last time but I made an excuse- really not desperate to see my MIL on my birthday of all people 😜).

To me a birthday is for the family and you celebrate and drop by with a present any time around then really. By 6 DC will be tired from an early start and nursery so it’s likely to be a bit fraught and right across bedtime anyway (our fault I know for asking her to come then but if she’d come earlier our only family time would be bedtime which is a bit crap).

Do I put up with it? DH has said from now we can make it clear the actual day is for us 4 and make plans soon either side for MIL to see the kids but I feel like when DC2 birthday comes next she will do the same. She lives a 40 min drive away btw so it’s not like popping a few streets over and she always stays for an hour+.

How would you phrase ‘we would like to see you but the actual birthday we would like just as a 4 can you come another time/we will come to you’ especially when she invites herself?

Thanks

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 07/07/2020 14:15

I think it’s lovely that your dd has a gran who wants to be part of her celebrations. All of my birthdays involved extended family until 16 or so and they were some of the best memories of my life - my friends who just had their parents and siblings were all jealous and now all of them celebrate with siblings / grandparents. Just because your dh’s family does it differently to yours doesn’t make it wrong.

Original poster
Napqueen1234 · 07/07/2020 14:17

@GrumpyHoonMain I do get that and obviously if we had a party or something she would be invited. I suppose I meant more birthdays on a week day with limited time- we would always see her one way or another around their birthdays.

OP posts:
AnotherBoredOne · 07/07/2020 14:18

Would be all too much for me OP. Today's visit wasn't necessary.

anon5000 · 07/07/2020 14:22

I don't think your DDs grandma is wrong to want to see her granddaughter on her birthday.

GetUpAgain · 07/07/2020 14:22

Get your DH to deal with his mum. You need boundaries. Or maybe even barriers! Its lovely to have enthusiastic loving grandparents but not to the extent they create stress and take over.

Meredithgrey1 · 07/07/2020 14:24

I wouldn't personally insist on the actual birthday being just the immediate family, but it would annoy me her just saying "I'll come round on Tuesday" especially as you say she often stays a while so it's not just dropping in.
Plus the fact you saw her last weekend and are seeing her on Friday, that would be a lot for me.

GetUpAgain · 07/07/2020 14:24

And for today, get DP to cancel the family zoom. Just say she is too tired and won't manage especially as you have MIL visiting later.

Darkestseasonofall · 07/07/2020 14:24

I think it's lovely, my in laws are like this and I love it.

Chamomileteaplease · 07/07/2020 14:26

You saw her at the weekend and you are seeing her on Friday! That's loads already.

You could have not answered the FaceTime call.

And you could still say, sorry we are too busy today - we'll see you Friday.

It's great that your husband is on board. Start saying no!

C305 · 07/07/2020 14:29

Yeah I agree with PP that the issue is prob more the boundaries rather than her actually wanting to see her on the day- however I do sympathise as my in-laws have similar expectations- it's taken a while, but now my husband deals with setting the boundaries/expectations with them, which has taken a bit of the stress away.

My DS is 1 in a few weeks & although I'd love nothing more than to have it just the 3 of us for a day out somewhere but I often find the thought of them all descending is actually a lot worse than the event it's self!😂

So I don't necessarily think YABU, but I think unless there's an actual reason not to invite them to stuff on the day, it's just one of those things you have to do!

Alsohuman · 07/07/2020 14:29

To me a birthday is for the family

Your mil is your daughter’s family.

Original poster
Napqueen1234 · 07/07/2020 14:32

Thanks for all your responses. Part of me know she’s isn’t being unreasonable wanting to see them which is why I don’t speak up or press DH to but part of me feels she’s had children and has been able to make her own traditions etc and now it’s our turn with ours. I always send her photos, include her and obviously would be happy to FaceTime etc on the day if we didn’t see her in person.

I think it’s that attitude of ‘it’s MY grandchild so my right’ with these things that grates on me a bit.

OP posts:
Delbelleber · 07/07/2020 14:34

I think it's nice for the child.

Pumpertrumper · 07/07/2020 14:35

If this were me, I would simply stop facilitating the face time...etc.

Don’t answer. Get used to saying ‘sorry I was making breakfast/ we were eating/ DD was playing and didn’t want to stop’ all the excuses in the world but non that you can be blamed for 😂😬

If MIL gets shirty at any point ‘Well you could have rang me back 😡’ just hit her with compliments and attention ‘Well anyway, DD loved her special grandma gift’ ‘DD has been so excited to see you’ etc.

Grandparents like this live in fear of being excluded. They’re lovely people but you’re the gatekeeper to their favourite people in the world. It can feel a bit manipulative but you just have to learn to ‘manage’ their feelings.

Lollypop4 · 07/07/2020 14:35

Simply call her now and say " We should've said this Am, but we are going to enjoy DD birthday amd go out when she comes out of nursery" We will see you Friday still amd thanks for calling her this Am.

Honestly, just get a back bone and tell her

MyOwnSummer · 07/07/2020 14:38

YANBU ...what's right for one family is wrong for another. You know your daughter best and want to make sure she has the best day possible. Do what is right for you, and forget what anyone else has to say about it. She will likely be very tired towards the end of the day, and that's the main issue here - far better for her to see her grandmother when she is feeling fresh and able to enjoy herself.

I'm biased - I have an overbearing MIL too and have to push back on literally everything because she sees every boundary as a challenge.

Nottherealslimshady · 07/07/2020 14:39

"Sorry we have plans that day, but we'll see you friday and we'll celebrate with you then."

ReasonablyUnreasonable · 07/07/2020 14:41

As a child, we always made birthday celebrations last for about a week, with various relatives and friends being invited for different events. However, the birthday itself was reserved for the child and parents (unless the birthday was a weekend, in which case other people might have come over as a younger child, but as a teen I liked just spending the day with my DM and DSis).

I don't think it is at all unreasonable to feel you are being invaded by the in-laws. The PP who say it is lovely, maybe it is if the in-laws are actually invited, but I'd be really annoyed in anyone, my family or my in-laws, told me that they were coming over!

KangarooAtTheZoo · 07/07/2020 14:44

YANBU. It's very cheeky to invite yourself over like that without asking if it's okay. My Mil did something similar on my dc's 2nd birthday last year. We had plans (that she would have tried to change and be in control of if we invited her). So she just invited herself to our house on the morning (making up a fake appointment that was half way between our houses as an excuse). She claimed it was just to drop off presents. But it wasn't as she tried to overstay her welcome so I told her firmly we have plans and said we are leaving the house in 5 minutes to go to town. Mil left and then I did what I had planned for the day. I just ignored her manipulative passive aggressive text messages I received later on. You have my sympathy as I have a very overbearing mil as well. I have learnt to ignore her guilt trips, passive aggressiveness, emotional manipulation, bribery and tantrums and do what I want as my husband won't. Otherwise she will try to control everything we do down to the smallest thing even what we spend on gifts for others. After years of putting up with her trying to control our lives I have put my foot down. You need to do the same.

anon5000 · 07/07/2020 14:45

My family could drop in when ever they liked as can DPs family. No need for invitations to see your own family.

frazzledasarock · 07/07/2020 14:46

Turn your phone off and don't answer her.

Youre seeing her today, she;s face timed already, and a zoom party?

Sod that.

Your DD will b exhausted anyway. Cancel the zoom party and if your Dd is over tired when your MIL visits, start doing bedtime.

Your MIL is being utterly OTT. My MIL loves her grandchildren, and even she can see it's crazy to expect to visit during week day birthdays, we always have birthday parties for DC on the nearest weekend and MIL bakes cakes and comes over with her gifts so she can watch DC open them, and DP will send pictures and videos of DC opening their gifts from us on the actual day.

Your DH seems to be on board with getting your MIL to rein it in a bit, leave him to deal with it.

But certainly be less available, if she says I'll come over at x time tell her no if it is inconvenient. Weekdays are crazy busy for us anyway (as are most weekends usually).

2pinkginsplease · 07/07/2020 14:46

I’m with you on that one, we have birthdays just us four and see the grandparents on the nearest weekend before Or after the birthday.

Grandparents would all phone on the actual birthday but understood we would have plans.

IdblowJonSnow · 07/07/2020 14:47

Sounds like your DH is on side. Get him to deal with it. You'll have years of it otherwise.
Yes it's nice that shes bothered but it does sound pretty overbearing how shes going about it.
My mil is a bit the same, nicer about it but still very keen. It's a difficult line to tread.
But get your DH on it - shes his mum after all!

ineedaholidaynow · 07/07/2020 14:52

We are not really in normal times at the moment, unless the OP is in a different country. So just popping in shouldn't really be happening anyway. You seem to be seeing her loads, so she is not really missing out.

I am sure there are many GPs who have had to miss birthdays over the last few months.

I don't remember my GPs being there on any of my birthdays when I was little. Didn't spoil my relationship with them.

PermanentCobOn · 07/07/2020 14:54

I used to have this. Then I started to do things like book our holidays or weekends away to celebrate DC's birthdays and then we would see the in laws before or when we were back.

It is nice to include your in-laws and own family in celebrations but you shouldn't be shackled to every one. If you want to do your own thing sometimes that should be OK with everyone.