To not always want to share events with all my in laws

[Napqueen1234]

Prepared to be told I am just thought I’d seek advice.

I have two DDs one 4 today one 4 months. Today is DDs nursery day and she was keen to go as they have a little ‘party’ for them and she wanted to see her friends on her birthday- absolutely fine. We all got up this morning had presents and a nice birthday breakfast and I’m picking her up early (3:45ish) to have some time this afternoon too.

The issue I’m having is my in laws. They are always quite overbearing at events (Christmas, christenings, birthdays etc) MIL particularly. We saw them at the weekend and am seeing them on Friday and messaged her saying shall I bring a cake so we can have a little late birthday party. Her response is no Ill come over Tuesday afternoon to see her. No asking just that’s what’s happening. We asked her to come for 6 so we have a bit of time alone first but she FaceTimed for 20 mins this morning which took a large chunk of time (why?! She’s seeing her later!) and now the in laws want a family zoom at half 4 so they can all see her. I find it hard to say no as it isn’t my family and I don’t know if I’m just being grumpy but it just eats into our family time. I want to celebrate my daughters birthday as a 4 the way my parents did when I was little. My grandparents would send a card, ring us at the end of the day and wish us a happy birThday and see us around the time or at a party if we had one but wouldn’t insist on coming on the day.

MIL insists on doing this every birthday (DH was 32 recently and she insisted on coming over, she wanted to come for my birthday last time but I made an excuse- really not desperate to see my MIL on my birthday of all people 😜).

To me a birthday is for the family and you celebrate and drop by with a present any time around then really. By 6 DC will be tired from an early start and nursery so it’s likely to be a bit fraught and right across bedtime anyway (our fault I know for asking her to come then but if she’d come earlier our only family time would be bedtime which is a bit crap).

Do I put up with it? DH has said from now we can make it clear the actual day is for us 4 and make plans soon either side for MIL to see the kids but I feel like when DC2 birthday comes next she will do the same. She lives a 40 min drive away btw so it’s not like popping a few streets over and she always stays for an hour+.

How would you phrase ‘we would like to see you but the actual birthday we would like just as a 4 can you come another time/we will come to you’ especially when she invites herself?

Thanks

That would drive me mad too. My ILs have always favoured my middle child and always want to come round on her birthday, usually telling me they will arrive at 3 (I'm not home from work until 3.30 and DD is still at school) then act all aggrieved when I say it's not convenient and could they arrive later.

I've taken charge of this happening by inviting them before they can invite themselves and being non negotiable on the time - it's never a ridiculous time but generally around 4 which gives us long enough to get through the door and put the hoover round and the oven on.

Surely this about the traditions both you and your DH want to create for your DD. Does your DH have a view? Maybe he wants things to be like when he was a child, just as much as you want them to like yours were. Have you discussed this with him at all ? You need to decide what is OK between you both and then present a united front to your MIL

From the moment our DD was born her Birthday was just for us three.

We made it clear that we would not see any of the family (either side) on that day as with the way my DH's family is, bitter divorces etc it was not worth the aggravation.

We see grandparents on other days as luckily DD's birthday falls in a school holiday and it has worked well for the last 7 years.

GP's ring on the day, we are lucky as they are not tech savvy so we only have phone calls !

You need to put in boundaries sooner rather than later and are lucky that your DH supports that.

She is your DD's family. Odd that you think she isn't.

I couldn't stand that, personally, I would find it appallingly claustrophobic. Yes its lovely for kids to have a close relationship with grandparents but two separate calls plus a visit is overkill. And everything having to be on her terms.

You need to make the rules. She has every right to see her grandchildren but not to determine the whole schedule of the day. Put your foot down, or better still, get your DH to do it.

You sound like me op. I am from a large family, but one that always respected each others space. My DH's equally large and lovely family had no concept of personal space when our babies came along so I was overwhelmed. We became very good at no being people pleasers and managing their expectations - we set times for them to "drop in for at such and such a time for x amount of time to see Birthday child" explaining that at x'oclock we had our own plans. We were very clear that family were not to drop in unannounced. SIL stropped once but DH stood firm. All good now! Its balancing the fact that they want to see birthday child, birthday child probably loves the attention from extended family, but you have to be in charge of your own schedule. If they facetime at an inconvenient time just say "wave to grandma quick then we really must sign off".

I feel like I could have written this. I had to make it very clear to DH about a year ago just how overbearing I found MIL. He has been very supportive and out his foot down much more since then so you or DH need to do the same. I try and get in first - send a message way in advance "DD bday is coming up on the 7th. We're going to have a quiet day that day but hope we'll see you the 9th or 10th, if either of those suit you" etc. Don't even give it as an option. This is your life and your family and you and DH set the rules.

I'm also with you op. Very irritating that she just told you shes coming over. Cancel the zoom call and just see her at 6. Think you also need to set some boundaries with her. She sounds suffocating and disrespectful about just assuming everyone is ok with her constantly popping in. Maybe that's how she did it, but everyone is different.

Nothing makes me happier than family (mine and Dh’s) wanting to come and make a fuss on all of my children’s birthdays. It makes them feel special and loved. And I love it.

I really wonder why some mothers are so tight about allowing family members time with their children. Those children are related to your family members.
There are posts about not wanting visitors for weeks after the baby is born. This is about not wanting people to come on the actual birthday. Some PP would love to have a Grandmother interested in their child and there are Grandmothers who would love to have time with the young grandchildren
All this will be creating tensions. My family never made appointments to visit anyone but would phone to check before arriving. It was lovely I have never arrived unannounced/unrequested at my AC house but this is another complaint frequently on MN. It is someone's birthday today and I am not making any comment (other than this) because I felt is was a competition between the Grandmothers and I am not doing that.
Why is it such a difficulty to be a family and not needing an invitation to be allowed to see grandchildren?

TheBoquets then you clearly cannot understand that people have different feelings about this than you.
The mil has just assumed she can come instead of asking. I'm sure you wont understand that either.

'That doesn't work for us'
'No'

Both would work in this situation. If your phone rings and you don't want to answer it, Don't. People only have the power you allow them to have

OP I totally sympathise - we are currently having an almost identical issue! For me it's partly the expectation that we will change all our plans to accommodate them. DH's family is currently miffed that we don't want all seven of them (two households) to come over. We've pointed out it's not only currently illegal but we have a newborn, and two from his family and two from mine is all we feel we can deal with at the moment without adding a load of stress. I don't think YABU.

it is all about finding balance. I used to hate Christmas. Every year we had to host my in-laws and single adult siblings because we were the only ones with DGC. I spent all day in the kitchen waiting on 10 people whilst they sat round and played with the DC. I would go to bed knackered at 9pm and in tears. All my Christmas memories were negative ones.

Then my DC got a bit older, no longer believed in Santa and we discovered skiing, winter sun and Lapland.

I hope you can find a decent compromise because your MIL sounds very intrusive to me. I wouldn’t be happy if someone told me they were coming to visit without being invited first.

I’m at the other end of the spectrum on being involved in family life. The last time we FaceTimed 7yr old DGS was early May on his dad’s birthday.

We live abroad and it wouldn’t occur to me to be constantly hassling my DIL to speak to DGS. They have their life and we have ours. We last saw DGS 2 years ago when they visited us for 4 days.

Growing up, I only saw my grandparents periodically, so I don’t really see a need to be actively involved in the lives of our adult children.

Due to distance to family we have always had a birthday "tea" so sandwiches, party food and then cake on the actual birthday but just the 4 of us.

Then on a weekend we would have a family party where they come over for about 4 hours. Both sets of parents lived in the same town 1 hour away.

Your Dh needs to tell her no, you will see her Friday. It isn't like it has been weeks since you saw her as you saw her at the weekend. He needs to tell her if she continues to push, it will have the reverse affect, it will not make her closer but make you want to distance yourselves.

Get your husband on side so he knows the IL/s are being over intrusive then start with the barriers and the 'sorry that won't work it'll need to be xyz'
My BIL always tries to reorganise everyone else's lives around his own wants - really annoying, ive told my DH it's unacceptable for his brothers suggestions which include asking us to join him for a trip away in the summer holidays, except it was when I was working, so he suggested I missed our annual trip away in favour of my children and DH going away with him - so I got no holiday that year ... needless to say 'sorry that doesn't work for us' came out!

It's when they start talking about their 'rights' that it rubs people up the wrong way, and rightly so. YANBU to be annoyed by that.

I agree with a PP that expectation management is key here. You could also take a step back, stop facilitating the relationship and allow DP to take over that privilege. This approach has tended to work for me.

@Auntydarah

It's rude to just say she's coming round. Also probs a bit much to zoom call too.

But tbh I think you're being a bit uptight about it. I don't really get this preciousness people on mumsnet have about our little family. Grandparents aren't goinh to be around forever. As long as your child gets on with her what is the isuuse of her making a fuss on her grandchilds birthday?

Agree with this. Family don’t stop being family when you have your own children. Start to manage them a bit better

This is something that comes up on mn quite regularly. It seems some families dont mind their in laws thinking they have a right to see Grandchildren on their birthdays, whereas other Grandparents are less intrusive and allow the immediate family to enjoy these events on their own.

My family was always in the "it's your birthday so enjoy it and do what you want to do" camp, so we wouldnt have to make extended family visits on the day. So on my kids birthdays, my parents would just ring to say happy birthday in the evening, and then we would see them the week before or after and they would give presents then. However my inlaws starting saying they wanted us to take our children to them on their birthday, so I said no.

Just tell her how you feel, and do what you wan't to do. Your Mil might not like it, but hey ho , if she gets iffy, too bad.!

There's nothing wrong with seeing extended family on the actual day, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep it for the parents and siblings, either. It's up to the parents to decide.

YANBU to want to do things your way, especially when you're already seeing MIL so much. It's not like you're keeping her from seeing the grandchildren at all.

I don't think most children care much about significant calendar dates. They'll be just as excited to have a party/special celebration with extended family a week after their birth date as they would be on the actual day. MIL will have to accept this, too. If she gets to zoom/speak to the birthday child on the actual day, that should be enough to tide her over for a few days!

Since your husband agrees, I'd just make sure to remind him when it's getting close to the next birthday. He can tell her, or you can. It might not be want she'd prefer, but it's not her choice!

I really wonder why some mothers are so tight about allowing family members time with their children

GM has just saw the child at the weekend, will see them this weekend, has interrupted breakfast and is visiting later.

Not sure how OP is being precious?

She wants a quiet evening after work/nursery with usual bed and bath and no doubt some quality time with her husband with her feet up.

If DGM wants to have some time with the DGC on their birthday, that's for the whole family to agree on. However a 20 minute Facetime (no discussion) in the morning, demanding a Zoom call at teatime, then a visit for at least an hour in the evening that she announced she was making without a by your leave is not a loving grandma wanting to see her DGC on their birthday. It's a DM/MiL demanding that she gets what she wants and to hell with anyone else.

Do you have to be involved in facetime, OP? That's the bit I would hate. Can daughter not just be left to chat to her grandma? They might both enjoy it.

Don't make waves but do sort out what you personally want to be involved in and let your husband do more of the management of his children with his side of the family if it winds you up perhaps?