To not always want to share events with all my in laws

[Napqueen1234]

Prepared to be told I am just thought I’d seek advice.

I have two DDs one 4 today one 4 months. Today is DDs nursery day and she was keen to go as they have a little ‘party’ for them and she wanted to see her friends on her birthday- absolutely fine. We all got up this morning had presents and a nice birthday breakfast and I’m picking her up early (3:45ish) to have some time this afternoon too.

The issue I’m having is my in laws. They are always quite overbearing at events (Christmas, christenings, birthdays etc) MIL particularly. We saw them at the weekend and am seeing them on Friday and messaged her saying shall I bring a cake so we can have a little late birthday party. Her response is no Ill come over Tuesday afternoon to see her. No asking just that’s what’s happening. We asked her to come for 6 so we have a bit of time alone first but she FaceTimed for 20 mins this morning which took a large chunk of time (why?! She’s seeing her later!) and now the in laws want a family zoom at half 4 so they can all see her. I find it hard to say no as it isn’t my family and I don’t know if I’m just being grumpy but it just eats into our family time. I want to celebrate my daughters birthday as a 4 the way my parents did when I was little. My grandparents would send a card, ring us at the end of the day and wish us a happy birThday and see us around the time or at a party if we had one but wouldn’t insist on coming on the day.

MIL insists on doing this every birthday (DH was 32 recently and she insisted on coming over, she wanted to come for my birthday last time but I made an excuse- really not desperate to see my MIL on my birthday of all people 😜).

To me a birthday is for the family and you celebrate and drop by with a present any time around then really. By 6 DC will be tired from an early start and nursery so it’s likely to be a bit fraught and right across bedtime anyway (our fault I know for asking her to come then but if she’d come earlier our only family time would be bedtime which is a bit crap).

Do I put up with it? DH has said from now we can make it clear the actual day is for us 4 and make plans soon either side for MIL to see the kids but I feel like when DC2 birthday comes next she will do the same. She lives a 40 min drive away btw so it’s not like popping a few streets over and she always stays for an hour+.

How would you phrase ‘we would like to see you but the actual birthday we would like just as a 4 can you come another time/we will come to you’ especially when she invites herself?

Thanks

Like many of these threads OP you are enabling MIL behaviour and making a drama where there doesn't need to be one.

Your DH should be dealing with his side of the family, specifically his mother. The fact that you are saying 'DH agrees' is irrelevant because you are the messenger ergo you will be the one who is criticised by MIL. Take yourself out of this equation.

I'm afraid I often wonder if OPs on these threads relish the drama and like being in control, it really isn't difficult to step back.

When OP says "her own family" It means her own family unit, immediate family, her household, it's pretty clear she didn't mean grandma isn't family. It sounds like there needs to be clearer communication and some fair boundaries set on extended family. But remember what mil does it comes from a place of love, and obviously your daughter is lucky to have a doting grandparent

I really wonder why some mothers are so tight about allowing family members time with their children. Those children are related to your family members.

She saw her granddaughter last weekend and will see her on Friday! Add in today and that's three times in a week. That's not OP being "tight", that's probably more than most grandparents.

Do you have tour own mother OP ? Is she involved in the birthday celebrations?

Thanks for your responses. Of course she is family and a large part of their lives _~however irritating I may find her~ I would NEVER show that to her or the children and would always want them to have a great relationship. I would also never stop her having the children on her own for the day if she asks etc as I know often time on their own with the grandkids is easier without mum hanging around.

Thanks for the responses it’s given me the confidence that I’m not being an arse but I can manage it in a tactful way so hopefully we are all happy.

For those saying to just let her see them they’re here grandchildren I get that but now it’s over she arrived at half 6 instead of 6 (no excuse for being late she is furloughed and has been doing nothing all day!), DD was wired after a busy day and cake so was so overexcited a silly. She tried to FaceTime all the extended family then told DD off for not talking to them properly (she is literally 3 today). I put the baby to bed, trying to get DD to wind down with a bit of tv and ended up having to take her off to bed anyway bouncing off the walls then MIL stayed for 40 more minutes 😂. I suppose that’s what I mean it all just gets beyond our control and is a million miles away from the nice evening of playing with new toys in relative peace I imagined.

For the person saying grandparents aren’t around forever she had DH v young even though we aren’t particularly so she’s only just 50 so around for a good long while! She’s not an old woman.

And @disorganisedsecretsquirrel I do have my parents who are very hands on and love the GC but are more respectful of our time. they send DD a video on WhatsApp singing happy birthday and wishing her a lovely day and then we FaceTimed when we got back from nursery. We are going to see them the weekend after next so they will give her their presents then to spread things out a bit.

You shouldve said something whlist she was there, did you say anything when she gave DD a row?
If not whilst there, then call her up now, be petty and intrude on her down time at home, strongly suggest that from now on at birthdays , your DC will look forward to a phone call Am, then seeing them later in the week, not on the birthday itself.

Why did you answer her in face time this morning? A simple text, to say you would see her later would have sufficed.
The same with wanting to face time at 4, a simple no, we'll be busy then but we'll see you later for an hour is sufficient.
You don't want her taking over your time but when she suggests raki g over your time you agree! You can't have both!

That’s true to an extent @Howyiz I think. In future i will ignore phone calls etc that aren’t convenient and follow up with an ‘oops sorry o missed you busy doing X’ rather than just answering. I feel a lot more confident that im not being unreasonable now so wouldn’t feel the guilt or second guess myself as much.

I would say something like this... "We would love too but we've already got plans, are you free at the weekend though and we'll come over for a celebration then". and in regards to the group chat: "Sorry but we can't do a family group chat that way as we have too much to do before bedtime but we can do a group chat on this day instead" (I know the days happened already but it might work in the future x

*today