To not always want to share events with all my in laws

[Napqueen1234]

Prepared to be told I am just thought I’d seek advice.

I have two DDs one 4 today one 4 months. Today is DDs nursery day and she was keen to go as they have a little ‘party’ for them and she wanted to see her friends on her birthday- absolutely fine. We all got up this morning had presents and a nice birthday breakfast and I’m picking her up early (3:45ish) to have some time this afternoon too.

The issue I’m having is my in laws. They are always quite overbearing at events (Christmas, christenings, birthdays etc) MIL particularly. We saw them at the weekend and am seeing them on Friday and messaged her saying shall I bring a cake so we can have a little late birthday party. Her response is no Ill come over Tuesday afternoon to see her. No asking just that’s what’s happening. We asked her to come for 6 so we have a bit of time alone first but she FaceTimed for 20 mins this morning which took a large chunk of time (why?! She’s seeing her later!) and now the in laws want a family zoom at half 4 so they can all see her. I find it hard to say no as it isn’t my family and I don’t know if I’m just being grumpy but it just eats into our family time. I want to celebrate my daughters birthday as a 4 the way my parents did when I was little. My grandparents would send a card, ring us at the end of the day and wish us a happy birThday and see us around the time or at a party if we had one but wouldn’t insist on coming on the day.

MIL insists on doing this every birthday (DH was 32 recently and she insisted on coming over, she wanted to come for my birthday last time but I made an excuse- really not desperate to see my MIL on my birthday of all people 😜).

To me a birthday is for the family and you celebrate and drop by with a present any time around then really. By 6 DC will be tired from an early start and nursery so it’s likely to be a bit fraught and right across bedtime anyway (our fault I know for asking her to come then but if she’d come earlier our only family time would be bedtime which is a bit crap).

Do I put up with it? DH has said from now we can make it clear the actual day is for us 4 and make plans soon either side for MIL to see the kids but I feel like when DC2 birthday comes next she will do the same. She lives a 40 min drive away btw so it’s not like popping a few streets over and she always stays for an hour+.

How would you phrase ‘we would like to see you but the actual birthday we would like just as a 4 can you come another time/we will come to you’ especially when she invites herself?

Thanks

Ignore any zoom calls, put phones on airplane mode on the way home. I'd go out for tea because she'll be round before 6.
Set up expectations, rights it's dd birthday next week, we'll see you on x day as her birthday is for us. No I don't think we'll do facet8me as dd doesn't enjoy it.
If you do get roped into a zoom call, prop the laptop open at dd playing amd make a brew, she'll wander off and they'll have nothing to see

She's not wrong but there's only so much you can manage, too. I don't think you'd be terribly rude to say 'We need some time just the four of us and we'll see you on x". But the consequence will be a huff which you'll have to ignore. And possibly calls from concerned relatives who have been told that you're driving a wedge between various members of the family and made people cry etc. Don't do it if you're not prepared to be empathic but firm.

Dh needs to talk to her. Zooms are a pita with small dc who’d rather be playing with their toys. Get DH to put boundaries in place.

You also need to become technophobic. I don't/ can't be faffed with zoom, Facebook, WhatsApp etc. I just tell people I don't use them. I talk to people regularly and for a long time but do it phone and hands free.

Your husband needs to deal firmly with this.

Your MIL is rude.
You do NOT tell anyone that you are are coming to their house.

She should be checking would it be ok?.
You saw her at the weekend?,again today, and next Friday?
Ridiculous amount, considering it is being imposed upon you.

You need to ignore the Zoom.
You need your husband to tell her to back off and have some basic manners.

You need to develop a backbone and ignore this woman.

Grandparents are wonderful but they do NOT get to dictate the lives of their children and grandchildren.

Your husband needs to tell his mother that her dictatorial ways will end up with her being actively excluded.

He needs to tell her that she does NOT tell you when she will come to your home.

There appears to be a cohort who believe that being family means basic courtesies can be disgarded.

IMO a little more respect and adherence to traditional courtesies and there might be less families falling out with each other.

YADNBU to be allergic to this woman and her demands.

Don't answer her FaceTime if it's not a convenient time, if she says she's coming round on the day then it's "Sorry, that doesn't work for us. See you Friday!"

Sorry but I don't see what's so difficult about it, you even have the support of your DH.

My family could drop in when ever they liked as can DPs family. No need for invitations to see your own family.

Thing is, it's fine to have that rule for your home. However you can't decide that this is a universal rule for everyone! Not everyone likes family turning up whenever they fancy.

OP, I sympathise. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep a little bit of your DD's birthday for yourself, MIL doesn't need to be involved in every moment of the day. She saw her a few days ago and is seeing her at the weekend, she's also facetimed and now wants a family Zoom and to visit?? It's too much.

@Alsohuman Yes she's family but they are their own family now.

She's not wrong for wanting to see her but obvoiusly she is wrong for telling you how you will spend the day.

And before anyone says you have a husband problem, this is your daughter too and your family.

So say no. You have every right.

Sorry we have plans that day, but we'll see you friday and we'll celebrate with you then.

^^ You need to learn to manager them - an alternative date and event for them and child is another possible way or a shoter phonce call when it suits your plans as well as theirs.

I had a particular problem with one child and IL they'd make the entire day about them and pretty much ignore the birthday. Had it with my birthday as well in early years keeping us waiting round then not wanting to do what we'd planned.

It goes better to have class/friend party and/or a day out at weekend with them.

I have three kids and I was a few years in to being a mum when I realised that because of the demands of wider family (we have quite a large family), I felt I rarely got to enjoy my child's birthday with them. I'd constantly be trying to arrange convenient times for people to pop round, making cuppas or food, waiting around for someone who was late etc etc. Planning a birthday became about trying to keep everyone else in the family happy - rather than thinking what my kids really wanted. And also - perhaps selfishly - what I wanted given I was the one who had given birth to them!
I try to get some balance now, but it does sometimes mean taking ourselves away for the day! And it is also lovely that we have such a close family who all want to be part of it, so I don't take that for granted. It's just sometimes birthdays become a bit of a stressful rush, so I do get you!

"Do I put up with it? DH has said from now we can make it clear the actual day is for us 4 and make plans soon either side for MIL to see the kids but I feel like when DC2 birthday comes next she will do the same. She lives a 40 min drive away btw so it’s not like popping a few streets over and she always stays for an hour+." (my bolding)

I mean this kindly, i really do, but - grow a spine. Learn to use the word "no". It is allowed. Your MIL certainly uses it. When she said "no I'll come over" that was your cue to say, 'no, we'll see you Friday'. If you want to be nice you can throw in a 'no that doesn't work for us' but personally I think a straight 'no' is best - it brooks no questions and no arguing back.

When your DH said "from now" did he mean now, right now this instant, or 'in future'? Where does he stand on his mother? As in - do you and DH form a united front, or is he a mummy's boy?

You also said "I find it hard to say no as it isn’t my family" - why is it hard? And why isn't your husband saying no to his family?

I think it's unreasonable to invite yourself over to someone's house so YADNBU, your MIL is.

Oh, OP, I get you.

We never see my ILs, thry are overseas and DH is mostly estranged from them. But my parents... pre Covid, my parents were absolutely insistent that they always came to every celebration involving the dc. In a "we will be coming up on x weekend" way, whether invited or not, whether the dc wanted a family celebration or not, whether we were making other plans or not. And part of me loves that they care so much and want so much to be involved, but part of me resents the assumption and insistence and remembers very well that they did insist on the inclusion of their parents at every single event, party, celebration etc during my childhood.

My mum does the wounded martyr thing very effectively at the hint of any boundary. She's been doing stilted, deeply hurt phone conversation since Friday just gone as I did not phone to tell her my new mattress had arrived but had posted it on Facebook and my cousin mentioned it to my auntie who mentioned it to my mum (you see why I feel slightly smothered by my family at times?!). Saying to her "actually Mum, we've made plans, we'll sort out another weekend to visit" would lead to all sorts of emotional recriminations and tbh I just haven't got the energy to deal with them.

It would be too much for me. Just because some here would welcome it, doesn’t mean the assumption that it’s fine for you isn’t rude.

I just had this with my inlaws. We are all exhausted here. Tried to insist they came on my son’s birthday at the weekend (and no they wouldn’t socially distance) and when we said can we do the following weekend got a passive aggressive message of ‘well I hope you can explain to him why he’s not getting his present on his birthday’.

Thanks for all your messages. Yes I do need to grow a spine and will make sure DH and I send the same message in future! I’m glad to see a fair few people agree so it’s not be being unreasonable. However I feel about them I always want them to have a lovely relationship but I feel as @ILikeYouToo says I feel like our day is slotted in around their timetable so will set something boundaries. Thanks!

sorry, but it's not "nice" to be suffocating and over-bearing!

You do learn to say "no", kindly and firmly.
No, it's not convenient to chat for 20 minutes when you are getting the kids ready.
no, it's not convenient this afternoon as you have plans. You are really looking forward to seeing her next, twice a week is ridiculous when you impose on other people!

Just don't be afraid to refuse nicely, because it doesn't work for you.

@Pumpertrumper

If this were me, I would simply stop facilitating the face time...etc.

Don’t answer. Get used to saying ‘sorry I was making breakfast/ we were eating/ DD was playing and didn’t want to stop’ all the excuses in the world but non that you can be blamed for 😂😬

If MIL gets shirty at any point ‘Well you could have rang me back 😡’ just hit her with compliments and attention ‘Well anyway, DD loved her special grandma gift’ ‘DD has been so excited to see you’ etc.

Grandparents like this live in fear of being excluded. They’re lovely people but you’re the gatekeeper to their favourite people in the world. It can feel a bit manipulative but you just have to learn to ‘manage’ their feelings.

I think that last bit is the best piece of MIL advice I have ever read.

My MIL drives me around the bend with her imposition on my household. She frequently needs reminding not to just turn up or not to ask to see us 7 days a week. Lockdown has amplified her behaviour.

You are absolutely right, at the end of the day we are the gatekeepers of the cherished grandchildren and some manipulation is necessary (doesn't always work on mine as she can't take any hints and shamelessly opens her mouth without speaking) however I know deep down her intentions are good and she loves her grandchild.

I understand you OP, I have family members who announce that we're all doing this and doing that. They've already decided where and when. When they are then told that we've already got something planned or that somewhere isn't suitable/convenient I'm looked at like I've got two heads and am being difficult. Never occurs to them that we have lives of our own.

I'd find it unbearable, but I know a lot of people seem to like having extended family around all the time. Of course you want your children to have a good relationship with their grandparents but there also needs to be a recognition that their children have grown up, left home, and may have something else to do with their time beside pander to the demands of grandparents

I think the issue is a bit confused. There's obviously the eating up of your time with no regard for what works/doesn't work for you, but I also get the sense that you'd mind a whole lot less if you liked the woman a bit more.

You need to separate the two - decide what you think is fair and reasonable in terms of grandparent contact and then make that happen without it being muddied by your personal feelings towards her.

Preempting the issue with invitations in writing to specific events can help. So, two weeks before a birthday, send a text message saying "You're invited to a birthday tea for X on such and such a day. There'll be a few party games and pizza, followed by cake. We expect it to last about 1h30. Really hope you can make it".

Then, when there's a desire to come and do a birthday thing in addition to the invitation 'event' you can bat it away with a "hmm, that's a nice idea but I think we'll be a bit tight for time due to xyz, let's just stick to the party on friday. Looking forward to seeing you!".

I could have written your post! My DCs are older but there was a time when I actually dreaded their birthdays because of the day being overrun by my nightmare MIL. DH has now got very good at keeping their visits short by saying ‘We’ve got dinner booked for 6 but it would be lovely to see you at 5’ etc. They have also calmed down slightly as the children have got older.

Good luck. Don’t let it spoil the day.

It's rude to just say she's coming round. Also probs a bit much to zoom call too.

But tbh I think you're being a bit uptight about it. I don't really get this preciousness people on mumsnet have about our little family. Grandparents aren't goinh to be around forever. As long as your child gets on with her what is the isuuse of her making a fuss on her grandchilds birthday?

I think there’s two key points here.

Firstly, you know that she’ll always want to see DD/ whoever for a special event. Therefore, You have to get in there first if you want to control when and how she sees them. So a couple of weeks before the day: “MiL, DD would love to see you for her birthday and as she’ll be tired on the actual day due to nursery we’re organising a party for your side of the family on the following Saturday. See you then, 3pm-6pm”. If she says she wants to see her on the day too just say “oh no that won’t work as DD will be knackered after nursery and she’d love to spend some quality time with you so see you on the Saturday”. If she still pushes, you can get a bit firmer “no, that won’t work” and get DH to step in too.

The second is now that you know what she’s like, you can be prepared in advance. If she calls on the morning, don’t answer. Send a text later on to say you were all busy but you’ll send pictures later. If she calls and says she’s going to come round that evening after all just be very firm with your response and get DH to follow up too: “mum, we’re all looking forward to seeing you on sat for your own special party with DD, please knock it off about coming round this evening, it’s not at all convenient for us”