Fallen in love with someone who doesn’t want me

[NeedAdvicePlease123]

Please please please.
Go easy as I just feel so confused and I don’t even know why I care so much.
I was seeing a guy after Christmas we dated, went to hotels etc and where texting every day for nearly 2 months.
I knew I was falling for him but I couldn’t stop how I felt and the sex was the best sex of my life.
He was amazing, funny, seemed like he cared and constantly text and rang me. Suddenly one day he started going cold and was on and off with my messages.
After him ignoring my messages and calls I blocked him for a few months, until about a month ago when I stupidly drunken booty called him.
This then sparked us chatting again and a week ago we went to a gorgeous apartment and had the best evening having sex and drinks etc.
He knows how I feel and that I’m falling for him, he keeps saying he’s not ready for a relationship but yet I keep going back and keep calling and texting him.
Honestly when I see him it’s amazing, but then we are not together and I see him all over socials liking other girls photos etc it really hurts.
I just want to know how to get over him, gain some self worth and just accept I love someone who doesn’t love me back.
Please go gentle I’m feeling fragile.

He is using you for sex, but at least he is being honest and saying he is not ready to commit.

I get the impression he sees you as a sort of friends with benefits type thing and you see him as a potential long term partner.
Don't be embarrassed - you fell for him, you have feelings. You need to cut ALL contact with this person and get yourself in a good place again. You will meet someone more suitable in time. What I would say is don't spend your time chasing this man - he has made it clear he is not really wanting an exclusive relationship.... move on.

I feel like this is all my fault as he did defiantly lead me on the first time (he admits that) but now he's said he doesn't want a relationship and I can't stop trying to get him to change his mind by offering sex.

God I need to grow a pair and learn self worth

Yes, @EnthusiasmIsDisturbed is right and that's what people are saying. There's an equisite kind of romanticism about unrequited love but you're creating it for yourself in your own mind. Only you.

Ok you went to the cinema and didn't just shag in hotels but still, you're in love with the feeling but not him. It was 2 months, it's intoxicating at that stage because it is exciting and new and special and horny and fuelled by hormones. And you said yourself you're desperate to be loved to death and here's someone to pin all that love you have to give on.

You're hooked on the feeling, not him. The hearing every song making you think of him and the pain that only he in the whole world can make go away just by texting you or spending the night with you. The little breadcrumb he tosses your way that makes you feel better till the next day he says don't get too attached or doesn't answer a text or is hitting some woman up on SM.

If it was a mate what would you say? Oh for 2 mths he seemed really keen when we were just shagging and I didn't ask anything of him, but when it seemed I wanted more, he backed off and wasn't bothered when I walked away. Then a few months later I let him know i'm still really into him and he's still happy to shag me but doesn't want to be with me..

Would you think she was in love with that person or just had low self esteem and is making a fool of herself?

This will sound really harsh but when he says he's not ready for a relationship, he just means he doesn't want a relationship with you. So you dust yourself down, don't have any contact with him and don't stalk his social media. Otherwise, he'll carry on shagging you for as long as it takes till he gets in a relationship and then you'll feel even more shit. Because as far as he's concerned, he's been honest with you that he doesn't want to be with you and if you've been hoping that'll change, that was all in your head.

Or you cut contact but still look at his SM and in a few weeks or months see him with his new GF and then you torture yourself with 'what does she have that I don't', 'I thought he wasn't ready for a relationship' etc etc.

He sounds like a douche and I don't believe you're in love with someone that makes you feel like shit because that's not love.

Know your worth. Don't be a booty call. If you want a relationship and they don't, you walk away and find someone that wants you and makes you happy.

Honestly, so many of us have been there and like PP have said, once you cut off, the hormones wear off and in a few months you look back and don't understand what you thought you saw in them or why you wasted your time sitting crying over some asshole who's not giving you a second thought and is probably shagging someone else while you're weeping into your pillow.

It's easy to love someone OP when it's all wining and dining, fancy dates to the movies and hotels and great sex. All of this will be adding to the excitement. This is why people enjoy affairs, it's the thrill of illicit encounters. But it sounds like you've fallen in love with an illusion, the person who you think he is and not the real version of him. You don't see the side of him sitting on the sofa in his boxer shorts, picking his nose and farting while he watches TV with his dad. Just conjure that image in your mind anytime you want to text him!

Unfortunately I had two encounters like this when I was younger and didn't know any better. One lad was cheating on his girlfriend with me and I cringe now every time I think about that over 20 years later. Another lad was in the RAF and just fucking everything that moved. Last time I saw him was on a night out after about a year and I was out with who would become my DH. Unbeknown to me, he actually went to school with my DH. He stopped and said hello, while with his latest bit of skirt. I was actually surprised he still remembered my name. My getting over him involved going out and having a lot of fun, sexual encounters and one night stands before I eventually met DH. I met him on a night out, but we didn't do anything for a while which is how I knew he liked me.

@ICouldBeTheOne thank you so much for this.
Honestly it is very to the point but also what I need to hear

@Fatted omg the first half of that made me LOLLLLLLL

He is entirely forgettable. Focus on his bad points (everyone has them) and do other things to keep yourself happy until things fade a little.

I’ve been there too OP. No one could make me fall out of love with him, I thought he was the most amazing person in the world and I couldn’t imagine a day where he’d never be in my life. I loved him more than I loved myself.

But eventually I saw;

He wasn’t loving me
He wasn’t choosing me
He wasn’t making any commitment to me
He didn’t care that he was hurting me
In fact, he kind of liked hurting me
He knew he could treat me like shit and with the tiniest bit of attention I’d go running back for more
He was using me financially, emotionally, physically, intellectually (we met at uni, he plagiarised my work) and he was cheating on me.

I tortured myself with the unrequited love songs, I cried, I pined, I tried to make myself who he wanted me to be, I went from being tee total to getting drunk and high regularly just to forget him for an hour or two...

I was honestly, honestly pathetic. And it horrifies me to think of what I was reduced to, the lack of self respect I had, his smug gloating face knowing he could just click his fingers and I’d be there. I shudder now because I didn’t see it at the time that actually I was really beautiful, other better guys wanted to commit to me, I was kind with this ridiculously pure innocent little heart that just kept on going holding out against hope, I was funny and sweet and nurturing and talented and vulnerable and this stupid fucking tool just ripped all of that out of me, made me hate myself and convinced me that I wasn’t good enough for him or anyone else.

My friends and family begged me to get out, they could see it was changing me. My mum said she felt she’d lost me and my sparkle had gone but I made excuse after excuse after excuse for him.

I won’t go into it because I know MN is very anti-faith but it was actually a “religious” experience that saved me. To cut a long story, that most people on here won’t be interested in anyway, short, I was walking along a car park one day feeling gutted after a week of getting drunk, high and even a shitty stupid tattoo all because of the pain and all of a sudden I just felt like something was saying, “look, you are my daughter and I love you. If you want him, if you choose him, it’s fine, but I just want you to know I SEE you and that I didn’t make you for this. I want so much better for you. It’s your choice but I don’t want you to miss on what I have for you. It’s much better than this.” And I just felt really loved. My own relationship with my father is shit, I literally had no idea until that moment what a healthy father daughter relationship felt like but that moment was transformative for me.

Now, at that point nothing had made me “fall out” of love with this guy. Life without him was unthinkable. I literally didn’t want it. But as I went on investigating faith and feeling loved by a higher power then my mind started to shift really quickly. One day I literally woke up (maybe about 3 weeks) after the experience above, and I just felt “happy for no reason” and knew it would be ok and that there was an order and sense to things. I was able to see him at uni that morning and feel nothing. I remember seeing him and having this massive grin on my face, because I realised that I was free and I could see him for what he really was and, I’m laughing thinking about it, he got this smug grin on his face too and those come to bed eyes thinking my face lit up because of him and he said “what? Are you happy to see me?” and I remember breathing out a huge sigh and saying with the stupid grin still on my face, “No, actually”.

And I moved on. He had zero power over me. The more distance I had from him emotionally, the more I could see how bad a guy he’d been to me. I had to see him everyday because we were on the same course and living in the same area but he was just like any other guy in the street to me from then on.

Practically, what helped was, as soon as I could;

Going no contact. Moved away. Blocked him on everything. Stopped social media stalking.

For me obviously faith helped and getting into spirituality. Getting that “ache” for him into perspective...so I ached now for my faith and for wholeness.

Shit load of counselling

Shit load of travelling and new hobbies

Work on self esteem, sort of dating myself...making myself whole sort of thing.

Watched a load of YouTube videos on relationships...Matthew Hussey, The Dating Coach etc. I now don’t watch them because I have other ideas about relationships and dating but they are good in showing you what your baseline should be.

Anyway, good luck. Seriously you need to kick him to the kerb. He’s a wanker. Stop giving him love, sex, attention. Turn it all around and focus on YOU. Love YOU. Not him. He doesn’t even deserve a glance let alone your body and your love.

@NameChange84 oh my days this is so moving.
Seriously amazing message I have happy and sad tears in my eyes right now.
Thank you so so so so much x

NameChange84’s post moved me too. OP You need to see this guy for what he really is and not who you would like him to be. You will get over this once you have done that. My very best wishes.

Aw OP, many of us have been there. I had it bad for a horrible guy in my early 20s, it was awful. Don’t be me - learn from my mistakes!:

The only cure is time and NO CONTACT! And that means not only no messaging him, calling him or seeing him, but also you MUST delete all of his messages and throw away anything that reminds you of him. You must also block him on all social media and never stalk him again. Please promise me you will do this!

Next, you need a new goal to focus on. It can be getting a new job, completing a sports challenge, losing a stone, learning to cook 50 new dishes - whatever it is, it needs to be something that will take a up a bit of time and something that you can talk about with others, to avoid talking about him. It will also build your self-esteem and help you to come across new people/ideas that will fill the space in your head that he is currently filling.

Finally, like someone else said above. You are suffering atm so you need to take care of yourself and treat yourself as though you have been through an accident/ serious illness. That means not being hard on yourself, allowing yourself rest and relaxation - lots of comforting activities, whether that’s long baths, your favourite meal, reading your favourite books from childhood. Anything that brings comfort.

Wishing you all the best OP. If you follow the above you WILL get over this! (I am now happily married to someone else and actually laugh when I think how obsessed I was with the other guy!)

Turn it all around and focus on YOU.

This. OP, you've had good advice here, but for the next little while you'll be in withdrawal from the dopamine narcosis. It's just the way our physiology works. Sending you a hand-hold and

Meanwhile, you have sexual energy to burn, so why not use it? I don't mean going on a shag-fest, but some intense physical activity to pump you full of endorphins and wash away the sad, dying dopamine molecules would really help. I highly recommend dancing and running, if you can manage it during these viral times. Sweat is a great cleanser.

Write some slash with a funny narrative. Write a song. We've been dancing to "I Will Survive" for 40 years now; it would be nice to have another dancefloor anthem about the topic!

OP don't confuse love with infatuation. Reflect why you would subject yourself to a situation that sounds so disrespectful and what is causing you to feel attached to a man that is so clearly not caring about you.

Have you ever been to his house?

You mentioned hotels and apartments so that sent something off in my head at maybe thinking he could be married? 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s hard and you won’t let go properly until you meet someone else.

Amazing post @NameChange84, I could have done with your advice 15 years ago!

Wow, very moved by the fact my post was so well received. Thanks! Another positive to come out of a shitty heartbreak .

PS @NeedAdvicePlease123 read the book “Women Who Love Too Much”, it really helped me.

Also, I discovered through counselling that I was codependent so, if this sort of unhealthy relationship is something that keeps happening to you I’d suggest you read around that too. Melody Beattie has done some great work on this.

Oh you poor love. I also could have written this 5 years ago. Unrequited love can be so all consuming. For me it was agonizing and took me a long long time to get over. I remember having deep conversations with friends at the time who had been through similar and we all agreed that when things don't work out in the initial crazy and intense lovestruck phase, it's such a different kind of pain than when long term relationships fizzle out gradually. I tortured myself thinking I could change things.

Be kind to yourself, and try and distract your mind if you can. Meet up with friends, exercise, make plans for the future. It's a great time to throw yourself into something new. For me it was pole dancing. I was shite at it and only went for a few months but it gave me a break from focusing on how sad I was for a bit. Imagine yourself meeting someone new in a years time as a strong, happy woman who has come out the other side of it all. With regards to calling and texting him, take it one day at a time. Make a promise to yourself to go one day without contact, and then take it from there. Good luck x

Another one who's been there, still struggling with it but seeing someone else now has raised my standards and made me feel much better.

It's an awful, awful pain, OP. I don't even want to think about it in order to write this post. Just know that you are not alone and you deserve so much better. He's a loser.

Don't suppose anyone is awake.
I'm up balling my eyes out

How are you, OP?

Poor thing!
I remember feeling like this and now I look back and thank my lucky stars it didn't work out.
Stop listening to the music (OMG! "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia was my Achille's heel). Don't watch super-romantic movies or rom-coms. Avoid Nora Ephron movies like the plague!
Get a lovely takeout and wine (turn your phone off before you take a sip!!)and let yourself grieve for a few days. Then maybe call a friend.
I think we've all been there once.
My DH greets me every morning with, "Hello, Gorgeous!" After 15 years.
Wishing you such good fortune. You clearly deserve better!

Crying is very healing. I'm sorry you are so upset, though.
Is there anything funny or scary you could watch to distract yourself?
It's done, really. You know it, right? You are worth more.
But it sucks. No lie. It's a big loss. Disappointment. Grief. Guilt.
Counseling is good, if possible. A PP suggested exercise. Yes!
Pole dancing sounds like excellent fun. All I can do is run, sadly, but you can bet your Aunt Fanny I logged more miles after that breakup than I have ever done since.

*Achilles' heel. Oh, Lord. Former English Lit. teacher.