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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fallen in love with someone who doesn’t want me

111 replies

NeedAdvicePlease123 · 07/07/2020 01:01

Please please please.
Go easy as I just feel so confused and I don’t even know why I care so much.
I was seeing a guy after Christmas we dated, went to hotels etc and where texting every day for nearly 2 months.
I knew I was falling for him but I couldn’t stop how I felt and the sex was the best sex of my life.
He was amazing, funny, seemed like he cared and constantly text and rang me. Suddenly one day he started going cold and was on and off with my messages.
After him ignoring my messages and calls I blocked him for a few months, until about a month ago when I stupidly drunken booty called him.
This then sparked us chatting again and a week ago we went to a gorgeous apartment and had the best evening having sex and drinks etc.
He knows how I feel and that I’m falling for him, he keeps saying he’s not ready for a relationship but yet I keep going back and keep calling and texting him.
Honestly when I see him it’s amazing, but then we are not together and I see him all over socials liking other girls photos etc it really hurts.
I just want to know how to get over him, gain some self worth and just accept I love someone who doesn’t love me back.
Please go gentle I’m feeling fragile.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2020 02:23

What I said was the truth and you know it.

1forAll74 · 07/07/2020 02:28

I think that lots of people on here have felt just the same as you are feeling now.But they maybe don't write about it on here. If you are young. you will maybe experience the very same thing again,until the right person comes along.

Original poster

NeedAdvicePlease123 · 07/07/2020 02:29

@Aquamarine1029 sorry if you're going through something but no need to troll someone who is hurting

OP posts:

Durgasarrow · 07/07/2020 02:30

You are going to have some rough days ahead, poor OP. Be kind to yourself and think of yourself as being ill, like having a bad cold or something. Don't expect that you'll be enjoying yourselfjust know that what you're doing by not contacting him, by struggling to separate yourself from him (and a struggle it is), is to fight off a virus that is trying to lodge itself inside you. You may have to suffer through a fever to burn it off. It's hard work. But it's good work and it will make you better. If you possibly can, do something small and usefulclean out a junk drawer, write your grandmother a kind letter, do some little tasks. Take a walk and get some sun on your face. You are already trying to do the right thing. Keep reaching for that good, healthy place.

Anordinarymum · 07/07/2020 02:38

We've probably all been there.

The more you make yourself available to him the more he will do this to you. This is not love. He is using you. You are worth more than this - easy for me to say but you are.

He's probably seeing other women and doing he same thing to them.

Remove yourself from contact. It is the only way, no matter how bad you feel. He is not worthy.

Original poster

NeedAdvicePlease123 · 07/07/2020 02:38

@Durgasarrow that comment is so useful and kind.
Thank you x

OP posts:

serenada · 07/07/2020 02:55

It's a vicious circle, isn't it? You can't find the love for yourself to pull away because you are giving it all to him and getting no real return. It's like spending your money on food for him instead of yourself and then wondering why you are still hungry.

You got to feed yourself, first. Until you get that clear in your mind, you are just giving him your food, starving yourself and then wondering why you are hungry when you were the one who bought everything.

Think about it. You are better than this. You know it. If you didn't you wouldnt be asking us. Your own intelligence is telling you dont settle for this, you can do better. Don't ignore it just because you fancy a snack

calmbeforethestormm · 07/07/2020 03:01

Please love yourself and respect yourself enough to walk away from this. Start dating again if you're thinking about him all the time. Find someone who's interested in you.

TheStoic · 07/07/2020 03:47

You are addicted to how he makes you feel (when it's good), and now you're going through withdrawals.

It's absolutely brutal. You're not crazy to feel as bad as you do.

But it will pass. Every day of no contact will get a bit easier. You need him completely out of your system, because he is toxic. You can do this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/07/2020 03:52

Amazing sex doesnt make up for a shitty personality

Loveinatimeofcovid · 07/07/2020 04:01

In all honesty what you described isn’t love. You just sound like you’re overcome by lust. I’m not saying it’s not a strong feeling (or a lovely one) but it does fade inevitably. Love is different and so much more than this. I wouldn’t risk loosing your chance to falling in love by wasting your time with this man.

sofato5miles · 07/07/2020 04:23

Unfortunately you are in the grip of all the bonding hormones. Your mind will go mad, every song etc. The only way they fade quickly is NO FUCKING CONTACT whatsoever.

The first few weeks may be very tough but it will start to fade. Honestly, it will

londonscalling · 07/07/2020 04:50

I've been there on more than one occasion and it bloody hurts!

I'm definitely not trying to defend him, but he has been honest with you and told you he doesn't want a relationship. Therefore, what happens next is down to you!

You've blocked him before so you can do it again. You will get over it and, in years to come, may occasionally look back and wonder what you saw in him!

NurseButtercup · 07/07/2020 04:55

We've all been there and while you're still trying to get over him, it feels like the end of the world. You'll cry for a bit and feel devastated, but eventually you'll be angry at him and with yourself.

You have to cut him off, no calls, no texts no emails. Block him and change his name to "do not contact" or "he's a shit".

He's showing you that all you're worth to him is sex every once in a while.

He doesn't love you
He doesn't cherish you
He doesn't respect you

You also need to take responsibility for who you allow to access your body.
Raise your boundaries and standards.
Only allow men that show you love and respect for you to have intimate access to your body.

Spend some time re-learning how to love yourself. And most importantly be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for allowing him to be in your life for as long as you did.

I hope this advice is helpful.

Take care

Guineapigbridge · 07/07/2020 05:13

I've been there. I'm almost over it now, 18 years later. I adored him but I was just convenient for him, he never saw me in the same light I saw him.

Guineapigbridge · 07/07/2020 05:15

At the time my heart was so broken it felt like my chest would explode. I'm so sorry if this is how you are feeling too, OP

Original poster

NeedAdvicePlease123 · 07/07/2020 05:21

@NurseButtercup oh my days that message was amazing! I really needed to read that, thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedAdvicePlease123 · 07/07/2020 05:24

@londonscalling that's the worst but. He's told me he basically doesn't want me but I still can't get over him

OP posts:

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 07/07/2020 05:25

I'm sure I read on one of the dating threads on here that you need to go no contact for 21 days to break the cycle. Could you try that? Just tell yourself it's not forever, just 3 weeks. That might be a bit easier to handle the idea of. Then once you get used to not being in contact you delete his number/all call records etc. You will get over him, but you have to be strong. Yes it will hurt but you'll be ok.

lemmathelemmin · 07/07/2020 05:29

This is absolutely lust and infatuation.

Please work on yourself so you don't get hurt anymore.

Are you exercising, eating well and keeping up with friends and hobbies?

rwalker · 07/07/2020 05:58

Sorry but the guy has told you loud and clear he doesn't want a relationship with you don't know why he's getting a hard time he's been honest.
Again he's happy to chat and have sex with you and you keep coming back for more.
You need to walk away and leave him alone the message you are giving him is you are happy to settle for random chats and sex.
He's told you he doesn't want a relationship sorry to be brutal

Original poster

NeedAdvicePlease123 · 07/07/2020 06:13

@rwalker you know what you're right.

OP posts:

Roselilly36 · 07/07/2020 06:18

So sorry you are feeling like this OP, it’s miserable I know. some helpful advice on here, ignore those that seem to enjoy kicking people when they are down, neither useful or supportive. You will be fine OP, go NC with this person would be my advice, you will recover. Wishing you good luck for the future.

ICouldBeTheOne · 07/07/2020 06:27

You're not in love though, that's true. You've spent a few nights with someone you barely know and hormones have addled your mind. We've all been there but that's all it is in reality.

Cut him off, distract yourself and in a few months you'll wonder what you were making a fuss about.

MashedSpud · 07/07/2020 06:50

These are your options:

Keep being his booty call until he tells you he’s met “the one”.
Cut all ties, walk away with your head held high.

He’s told you he doesn’t want to be with you. The longer this drags out the worse it’s going to feel.

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