Fallen in love with someone who doesn’t want me

[NeedAdvicePlease123]

Please please please.
Go easy as I just feel so confused and I don’t even know why I care so much.
I was seeing a guy after Christmas we dated, went to hotels etc and where texting every day for nearly 2 months.
I knew I was falling for him but I couldn’t stop how I felt and the sex was the best sex of my life.
He was amazing, funny, seemed like he cared and constantly text and rang me. Suddenly one day he started going cold and was on and off with my messages.
After him ignoring my messages and calls I blocked him for a few months, until about a month ago when I stupidly drunken booty called him.
This then sparked us chatting again and a week ago we went to a gorgeous apartment and had the best evening having sex and drinks etc.
He knows how I feel and that I’m falling for him, he keeps saying he’s not ready for a relationship but yet I keep going back and keep calling and texting him.
Honestly when I see him it’s amazing, but then we are not together and I see him all over socials liking other girls photos etc it really hurts.
I just want to know how to get over him, gain some self worth and just accept I love someone who doesn’t love me back.
Please go gentle I’m feeling fragile.

I like how everyone is telling me it isn't love when you have no idea how I feel. It's hard to explain on a Mumsnet post but I can assure you it is love hence why I went back for seconds.

I do appreciate the advice I really do but I find some comments a bit erm rude...

2007 was when I was in your shoes. I felt like I was walking on air when I was with him. He used to spoil me and make me feel amazing. Until he didnt. He even gave me my first valentine's. But every time we were apart I felt like shit. He liked other peoples photos and I knew he was seeing other people. It actually only ended as he got a girlfriend. I was devastated and went completely off the rails for about a year. I was even signed off work with depression for a while.

Don't let him do that to you. Take control.

In 2016 night at about 3am when I was comforting my newborn, I noticed a message from him in messenger - the bit that people you aren't friends with send messages. He was apologising for the way he treated me, said he'd done a lot of soul searching and that he'd been selfish. I was married with 2 children at that point. I never replied but it made me feel sick, upset, relief and a wave of 2007 emotions.

Do what you can to break free.

Sorry OP, I fell in love with someone a couple of years ago and was so infatuated as well, sounds so similar to what you are feeling. And to make things worse I had to work with him every day! He just stopped everything too, and I’ve since found out he was texting basically every girl he knows, a total f**kboy. But I just wanted to post that it is soooo hard and I understand. I would say that I am over him now, I don’t feel the need to text him, barely think of him, and I still work with him but it’s definitely not how it used to be.

I cut contact, every time I thought of him and wanted to text him, I reached out to a friend. Even if I didn’t talk to the friend about him, just filled the void of missing him. I got closer to more friends and I was getting over him at the same time. Block him on social media and any girls you know who’s pics he always likes etc, that’s what I did so at least if he was doing it, I couldn’t see it. Be kind to yourself, you definitely need to leave this man behind, but it’s going to be hard. You can do it! I thought I was never going to get over my man, and I am in such a better place now.

@MaverickSnoopy this just brought a tear to my eye.
So happy for you to be happy and married.
Fuck him

@peanacat
This advice is great, especially about contacting a friend when I feel I need to speak to him.

Just to clarify I was saying I was infatuated as well as in love, I’m not one of the many posters who say it isn’t love for you. Love is a feeling, and if you feel it, then you are in love. That’s for nobody else to decide!

@peanacat
Thank you for that, I know love I've felt it before. I'm in love.
He's seen me cry when I've tried to open up to him
Ugh god this is all such a fucking mess

I’ve been there when I was younger and thought my world would end when he didn’t want a relationship. Sex was amazing etc and I felt like I was I love. Problem is, he was the town player.

I did t help myself though as I would constantly fantasise about how amazing it could be etc

Fast forward about 16 years and i have to laugh when I see him. He hasn’t aged great and looks nothing like the dream boat I ‘fell in love with’.

I’m now married to my gorgeous DH with 2 beautiful kids. I thought I’d never feel in love again yet I did and properly in love where it’s reciprocated.

If I could give my younger self advise it would be cut him out, block him, if you catch yourself daydreaming about him- stop and think of something else. The sooner you follow this advice the sooner you’ll stop feeling the way you do and you’ll look back like 🤦‍♀️ wondering how a loser like him could get to you.

Good luck op

People are saying it isn't love because you're just high on oxytocin and exciting nights in hotels and luxury hotels having sex. You don't know anything about him, don't know what his bad habits are or what his history is other than what he's chosen to tell you on these exciting luxury nights.

That's why people are saying it's infatuation, because love 'as a feeling' isn't love for that person, you love the feeling they give you because it's all so exciting and shag fuelled. And it's easy to turn it into a tragic love story of unrequited true love instead of a few shags in a hotel. It's a romantic illusion you're creating all on your own and causing yourself unecessary pain

You don't know him other than he doesn't want more than a shag but is quite happy to shag you knowing you want more and that it's hurting you. Doesn't sound like a great person to me.

People aren't being mean. They're telling you to wise up because you know you have to and they've been there too.

I really feel for you because I’ve also been there (thankfully minus the sex, now I look back and see what these guys were really like!)
Cut contact, at least for a while, and do other things to distract yourself - things you genuinely enjoy, maybe catch up with other people who you have a mutual friendship/family based love for. You might not even want to talk to him again after you’ve put some proper time and distance between you. This would be a bonus, long term.
All in all, just be kind to yourself. He’s taking advantage of your feelings for his own selfish desires (he’s still ok with having sex knowing you want more from him, he doesn’t care if it hurts you, either. A decent man would try and avoid keeping you suckered in like this).

Ok so people saying it isn't love.

The first time we was meeting up, we wasn't just going to hotels.

We went to the cinema, we went for meals we even go to the same bloody gym.

I have known of him for years but due to whatever reason we only started seeing each other this year

Listen to Bob Dylan. Been helping people get over unrequited love for 60 years.

@Babesinthewud
Thank you, seems like a very similar situation

He is now using you just for sex, however it seems from your post that you are the one who is doing the chasing.
This is no good for you, he is no good for you, yes, you need to block him for good.

People are saying it isn't love because you're just high on oxytocin and exciting nights in hotels and luxury hotels having sex

This. Those chemicals are addictive.

But love or no love, it's hurting you and the ONLY way to get rid is to cut contact for quote a long time.

He'll use you for as long as you let him. That isn't a nice person, it just means he knows how to get those feelz going so he can get his leg over.

Unrequited love is so painful but there is something in that pain that makes it quite addictive and that’s he can walk back at any minute and take it away and then again walk away. Those feelings are both on the extreme and because they are so strong they are overwhelming and make us lose sense of what is real

Maybe it is love, time will tell but it’s one sided as you know

The only way to stop feeling so heartbroken (and it will take some time) the only way to feel better about yourself is for you to look after yourself he just simply isn’t worth all this pain and all these tears

Allow yourself to wallow a little, listen to the endless songs written about being broken hearted and delete his number

But always remember you are in control of your life and you will met someone and be happy again if your allow yourself to

I’ve been there more than once, one I did truly love the other makes me cringe to think about him (and a few less extreme experiences in between)

And do not stalk him on social media this is just punishing yourself (as will any contact with him)

@EnthusiasmIsDisturbed thank you for this, really really helpful x

Obviously you are 'in love' but it not real love. Your brain is addicted to the love hormones when it's been good think dopamine. It's an addiction and your brain craves it, you are going through withdrawal stay away from him as he is like a drug a hit of dopamine. When love is reciprocated and you start a healthy relationship we all get those hard fitting feelings and when the relationship grows those hits are dopamine aren't as intense but they develop in to something stronger a bonding of respect trust and much more. Basically these first feelings of love are addictive for the brain but even with long term real love relationship these high intense feelings aren't meant to last it's replaced with something far better but not the same kind of 'hit'. You will never reach beyond the initial hit with this guy and they the massive let down when it's obvious he doesn't love you and that's why you need to withdraw from him for good. As painful as the process is. You will find somebody who deserves you, if you let yourself heal and don't give up on love.

Google "Limerence" OP.

I had never heard of it until someone mentioned it on a thread on here, and it makes a lot of sense.

Cut all contact, every time you see/hear from him is just prolonging your pain. It will hurt, but it's kinder on yourself than keep repeating this awful cycle. We've all been there, and come out the other side

This sounds like limerance. It's awful and very intense but it will pass.

You MUST block and delete. If you have friends in common on social media then unfollow them for the moment so you don't see updates. Change your gym.

It's tough and it hurts but you will get past it.

Many of us have been there and it is, as a PP said, brutal. You never really get over it but you move on. You need to accept that he is not the right person for you. If he was, he wouldn't be able to bear knowing that he is hurting you.
In some ways, retrospectively, I think that heartbreak made me a better, more rounded, caring person and I agree with that saying 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'.
You wont replace what you feel for him, but you will find someone else just as wonderful but in different ways, and who is ready for you.
However, you need to go through the sad phase first (in my case until I woke up one day and thought 'I am bored with feeling sad'). Be kind to yourself and keep busy.

Seriously those last three posts are so helpful.
I feel so much stronger already x

I get that you feel fragile, but in all honesty - I don't think that anyone who'd tell you how tragic it is and how it must be real love is doing you a favour. Mostly because the chances of the relationship you're describing being 'true love' are below one percentile.

Those giving you a little bit of a wake-up call from personal experience are, in my opinion, doing you a bigger favour. You sound very young - and I don't say that to diminish your feelings in any way (I was madly infatuated with a friend when I was 20 and it took me almost 8 years to get over him) - I am only saying it because I wish I listened to older, more experienced people who were telling me he was just using me and I was making a fool of my self by being so readily available to him at his whim. I didn't because 'they were harsh', 'they were trying to hurt me', 'they couldn't possibly know how I felt'. I was wallowing in the poetic misery of unrequited 'love' and considered anyone telling me otherwise 'incapable of real feelings' or at the very least inconsiderate.

The truth is - they were 100% right (and I know this now, 18 years later, when I actually DID find my true love in a man who didn't play games, wasn't using me, and was as ready for a relationship with me as I was with him). The guy I was into in my 20s was not a bad guy as such, he enjoyed his freedom, told me he didn't want a relationship wit me, took what I kept offering and didn't think much about consequences. But I didn't love him. I was infatuated with him (hormones and the thrill of the 'chase'). And I allowed my hormones to drive me to quite a few humiliating situations where I was at his disposal when I shouldn't have been.

What worked for me is to realize I was humiliating myself. My pride didn't allow me to waste more time and self-respect on someone who didn't want me as anything other than occasional recreation between the sheets. As much as you don't want to hear or consider it, please do try to think about it from this point of view. It may save you years of unhappiness.

Final point - if he was genuinely a nice bloke then he wouldn't be using you as a booty call when he knows how you feel. Remember this and keep in mind that you want someone who deserves your love and who will love and value you equally in return.