AIBU to expect husband to stop contacting a woman who once falsely accused him of rape?

[Chrissiemcghee]

Twelve years ago (4 yrs before he met me) my husband had a fling with a girl who accused him of rape when he ended the affair. She admitted to police next day she made it up. They stayed away from one another. I found out today they’ve been messaging each other. I’m livid. I feel she’s a dangerous person getting in the middle of a family, but he’s dismissing my concerns. AIBU asking him to stop contact?

Did he ever give a reason why he sought out a woman to have an affair with to begin with? @Chrissiemcghee

Surely you can do better than a man who is this stupid op?

He's getting in contact with someone who is nuts, is threatening his family, accused him of rape, and he thinks that's normal and OK?

Run away. He's not sane either.

Wait - does your DH have contact with his son?
If no, that could be it. It could be that he needed a valid reason to present to you for why he had minimal or no contact and ‘I was falsely accused of rape so my wife didn’t let me see him’ sounds better than “I cheated so my wife kicked me out”.
I don’t suppose it matters, though. You’ve done the right thing: you’d never be able to trust him again.

@whattimeisrightnow we have the son as well as our own. The mum passed away a few years ago.

@canigooutyet yes, he did. They were both shift workers and became like ships that pass in the night. His head was turned by this young woman who made it clear she was interested. She's 15 years younger than him. They had an affair for a few weeks and then he ended it. She didn't like that he ended it and the rest you know...

Ah, okay. I apologise. Didn’t realise that.

I'm sorry, I'm new to mumsnet and this is my first post. I didn't realise I should've put a Trigger Warning at the start of my post.

Chrissiemcghee you don't need to apologise for anything.

I'm sorry if you think you've had a rough ride from people here - posters can be quite blunt.

It's just very obvious to anyone reading this cold that your OH is thoroughly untrustworthy and we all know you could do better.

I don't know what the situation is: you say you've chucked him out. Please make sure he stays out.

This woman is not the problem here op....

I'm sorry to hear that @Chrissiemcghee and well done getting rid of him. It sounds like a nightmare at the moment, but honestly you have done the right thing and have nothing to apologize for.

People it seems have very few boundaries and would just put in some fruitless rules and carry on. You are worth much more than him. She didn't do this to anyone, he did all of this.

I hope you have some support in RL to help you cope with all of this. And anyone who suggests you take him back, tell them they are more than welcome to him, you don't want him and don't cover for him if pushed.

I can't believe how many people are implying that the husband actually did rape this woman.

The OP has said she checked out the allegation and that the woman did admit to making it up, and despite this, the guy is still a rapist in some poster's eyes!

@AntsInPenzance

I can't believe how many people are implying that the husband actually did rape this woman.

The OP has said she checked out the allegation and that the woman did admit to making it up, and despite this, the guy is still a rapist in some poster's eyes!

The OP didn't clarify that point until later in the thread.

@EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire, I said in the original post it was a false accusation. I thought people would trust that. It didn't occur to me to qualify it.
@Yeahnahmum they're both the problem. If you see my post where I explain how she's found me on fb and saying she knows where me and my family live.... I find that a bit stalkery, so while yes, the main concern is between me and him, but for the sake of my kids I did also have to tell her to stay away.

You didn't clarify how you knew it was false until later on.

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire But why should she need to? If you’re told it was false then assuming he did actually rape her is a bit of a leap.

@Quietlyloud

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire But why should she need to? If you’re told it was false then assuming he did actually rape her is a bit of a leap.

Uh, because people were baffled why someone falsely accused would be messaging his accuser years later which then made people wonder if there was perhaps more to it? Because rapists lie about being rapists?

You’ve missed my point. If she says she knows it was false then why still insist it wasn’t?

@Chrissiemcghee

Twelve years ago (4 yrs before he met me) my husband had a fling with a girl who accused him of rape when he ended the affair. She admitted to police next day she made it up. They stayed away from one another. I found out today they’ve been messaging each other. I’m livid. I feel she’s a dangerous person getting in the middle of a family, but he’s dismissing my concerns. AIBU asking him to stop contact?

This is the ops first post. Says right there it was made up.

@Quietlyloud

You’ve missed my point. If she says she knows it was false then why still insist it wasn’t?

Nobody insisted it wasn't. People have suggested that it might not have been false and that the OP might not have been getting the full story. Not the same thing.

Sometimes blindly accepting one persons version of events is not helpful. That's actually what I like about Mumsnet.

I agree With you. They are both the problem. Well done in showing your husband what you will simply not tolerate. One thing that struck me though...

he had a brief fling with the rape accuser.... she went to the police and accused him of rape... The next morning she admitted she'd made it up to ruin relationship... it did ruin his relationship anyway.

Having the affair was what ruined his relationship. Everything else was a result of that affair.

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire I don’t agree. The op made it clear in her post that the accusation was false and she knows this herself. There was no reason to insinuate he actually did rape the woman, none at all.

You have an idiot DH problem. People don’t suddenly develop brains or judgement.

Do you know for a fact that she accused him, or has he simply told you this?

Time and time again on here we see people present what they believe to be true as facts, only for it to turn out they were opinions or beliefs from second hand information.

I don't think it unreasonable to have questioned this man's version of events (given he has form for lying).

I think you are doing the right thing OP as this man, not this woman, wrecked his first marriage and could be on the way to doing the same again.

Name changed

Years ago someone accused me of rape, it never happened and it never amounted to anything

Some years later I was attending an event with my partner and the accuser was now married to the artist doing the show, the artist is a friend of my partner's, although not close

I wouldn't actively seek to socialise with this person still but I did end up speaking to them and getting back in limited contact and they were substantially different and I don't really hold it against them what they did because they weren't in a good place