AIBU to expect husband to stop contacting a woman who once falsely accused him of rape?

[Chrissiemcghee]

Twelve years ago (4 yrs before he met me) my husband had a fling with a girl who accused him of rape when he ended the affair. She admitted to police next day she made it up. They stayed away from one another. I found out today they’ve been messaging each other. I’m livid. I feel she’s a dangerous person getting in the middle of a family, but he’s dismissing my concerns. AIBU asking him to stop contact?

Op do you really think contacting her to back off is going to make this go away?
Something isn't quite right here. You need answers right now. Telling your husband off without getting the bottom of it means he'll know he can do it again because there aren't really consequences.
I wouldn't be surprised if they're still talking, he'll just be better at hiding it this time.

She is not getting into the middle of your family, your husband is allowing her to and giving her access.

The issue isn't her, it is him. Focus your energy on realising that and then act upon it. It's all very well that you're upset but this woman falsely accused him of Rape and here he is communicating with her, how does that even work!!?

He's had his card marked? Sounds very serious.

Why are you telling her to back off? She doesn't owe you anything and can communicate with whoever she wants.

Your husband is the problem, deal with that.

@Fairenuff I did get to the bottom of it actually but I can see that explanation isn't enough for you. I joined to ask if i was being unreasonable and I think we can all see it's not me that's the issue here. Thanks everyone for your support. The long version: he was in a relationship with a woman and had a son with her. They had been together 4 years when he had a brief fling with the rape accuser. He said it was a mistake and tried to end it but she went to the police and accused him of rape. He was questioned all night. The next morning she admitted she'd made it up to ruin his relationship. She was given a caution but it did ruin his relationship anyway. I met him 4 years after that. He told me about it. I had it checked out and it's all true. I've been with him for 8 years and no, until now have had no reason to doubt him. He came to me and told me she had contacted him through a mutual hobby page and they had been 'talking'. He had deleted the messages except the most recent. I read them through and she is very unbalanced and controlling, saying I'll tell your wife you've been talking to me, and clipping in a photo of my fb profile pic and stating our home address. I am livid he entertained this person again by getting into contact. He is making us all vulnerable. I messaged her directly telling her to stay out of my marriage and then I sat down with him and talked it through. He said that he wanted to know why she did it, why she made the allegation. She said she'd had a trauma the day before and was looking for someone to take it out on. I told him that was a crock of shit and not a good enough reason for not protecting our marriage and family and making us vulnerable. Anyway, he got his rings thrown back at him, slept on the living room floor and is now out the house. From the messages I saw she has tried to get in touch with him several times in the past to apologise, but he's not replied. I don;t know why he chose to entertain her this time. In the messages she was making out that they were friends and I was getting in the way of their friendship, that I am interfering etc. She's nuts and he's a stupid pr*ck. I don't know what's going to happen next but thank you for your support.

Okay.

@Chrissiemcghee

It is true, and I haven’t disappeared, I’ve been dealing with it. I contacted her and told her to back off and I sat him down and told him it was not on. I’m not going to go into it all but he’s had his card marked.

Well that was silly, OP.

You don’t get to tell her what to do; she has no obligation to you. All you’ve done is shown her you’re jealous and an easy target with cracks in your relationship.

@DM1209 I wrote my big reply while you were writing your comments. I hope the long version explains it all better.

@heartsonacake, no not silly. I'm not jealous of her and you didn't see the message. Of course there are cracks and yes he has caused them. If someone is getting into my business I have EVERY right to tell them to back off. I have dealt with both of them as both of them were making a fool of me.

I can't possibly reply to everyone, I've got kids to deal with on my own now, so can I just say I've done everything the way that is right for me and sits best with me. I appreciate the support and concern from most of you. Thanks.

feel she’s a dangerous person getting in the middle of a family

Oh the helpless little man in the family swept away by the awful dangerous woman. What a crock of shit and very telling that's how you see it.

Chrissiemcghee

"He came to me and told me she had contacted him through a mutual hobby page and they had been 'talking'."

Sorry OP, but in no possible universe if someone is falsely accused of rape which leads to the breakup of their family do they just casually pick that relationship back up again via a hobby site.

Sorry to be blunt but he's lying to you. I don't know why or what is driving this but his story is utterly implausible.

You say his "card has been marked" and you've done everything in the way that sits best with you. Fine.

But you need at some point to confront the fact that he is lying.

If he had any respect for your marriage, he'd have told you when she first got in contact. It would, presumably, have been a bit of a big deal having someone who had accused him of rape suddenly getting back in touch. If his intentions were honest, why wouldn't he mention it to you?

He's the one who has made a fool of you. She probably didn't even think of you.

If they want to mesage each other, they will find a way, they will just be more careful next time. I don't think telling them both off will make any difference, sorry

Like pp, I also think the rape accusation thing is a bit dodgy

All the best OP.

Somehow I think you'll come to find out there was another version of the truth here all along. I hope I am wrong though!

Sorry OP, but I don't believe for a SECOND what your DH has told you... He let this woman, who broke up his then-family, tore him away from his child and got him arrested, speak to him via a hobby site? If that's what happened, he's leading you a merry dance.

He should have told her to F the hell off, one time and one time only, then blocked her on absolutely everything.

Continuing a dialogue only makes him look more dodgy.

@zingally I don't know which part of his stories are true and which parts are false but yes, it is dodgy that he continued to talk to her. That's why he's been put out. I did say that further up, I think a few more recent posters are missing that bit!

@LagunaBubbles don't know why you're attacking me here. I think you missed one or two of my posts. Like the one where I put him out the house?

OP what do you mean by 'put him out of the house'? Does that mean you told him your marriage is over and you kicked him out, or you need space or something? Regardless, I agree with the others, if I were vindictively and spitefully accused of rape, I would HATE that person forever and wouldn't spit in their direction, let alone talk to them. He sounds very confused.

If I were your husband, the only reason I would speak to her is to find out why she did what she did.

I’m not saying this is the case but in stalking cases the victim will often continue to communicate with the stalker to try and keep them calm etc.

I don’t profess to know the truth. Although I don’t think that him deleting the messages was sensible if she previously made an allegation of that nature.

Couldn't she have ruined his family by telling the wife she was shagging the husband? I'm gonna go Occam's razor on this one.

For comparison. I went no contact with a family member. It was nothing to do with DH. After a few months, the family member messaged DH just a friendly 'how are you' message. But he immediately said to me 'Oh look, X just messaged me.' As this person is known to be manipulative, he just ignored it but the point is he brought it up straight away. That's what you do when you have nothing to hide.

I would have done the same @Chrissiemcghee chucked him out. If it was all innocent he wouldn't have deleted messages. If it was all innocent he would have told you that they were in contact.

Also seems odd that he never blocked her when she first tried to contact him.

The more I think about it, the more I think he possibly did rape her and she is trying to get him to admit it OR he is just generally a liar and a cheat and made the whole thing up for some twisted reason and hasn't had therapy etc to work on his issues of being an adept compartmentaliser.

I wonder how he would react if you told him that it's possible to retrieve deleted messages.

Get rid of fb, change phone numbers, block hers, read him the riot act and breath.