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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect husband to stop contacting a woman who once falsely accused him of rape?

150 replies

Chrissiemcghee · 06/07/2020 17:12

Twelve years ago (4 yrs before he met me) my husband had a fling with a girl who accused him of rape when he ended the affair. She admitted to police next day she made it up. They stayed away from one another. I found out today they’ve been messaging each other. I’m livid. I feel she’s a dangerous person getting in the middle of a family, but he’s dismissing my concerns. AIBU asking him to stop contact?

OP posts:
Gogogadgetarms · 06/07/2020 18:01

He needs a slap round the face with a wet fish.
What on earth is he thinking?!

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire · 06/07/2020 18:02

What are the messages about? Have you seen them?

PotholeParadise · 06/07/2020 18:03

By your husband's own word, this sounds like a tumultuous past relationship. If someone accused me of rape because I broke up with them, I would be very, very very careful never to put myself at risk by contact with them again.

Thoughts:
there are three types of people who say they have been falsely accused of rape. In no particular order, those people are:

  1. Rapists
  2. Rapists who don't think what they did was rape
  3. People who have been the victim of a false accusation.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/07/2020 18:04

Given what she knows OP has every right to think the woman could be dangerous to her family unit.

Regardless of the truth of who contacted who, by corresponding DH has reopened a can of worms his wife and kids do not need or deserve to be mixed up with.

He has shown serious lack of judgement, at best.

OP you are going to have to have a sit down and talk until it hurts discussion.with him. Most unpleasant but you need to know what your DH is really doing.

Then you can decide how you wish to proceed.

Best of luck.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 06/07/2020 18:05

Are you absolutely certain she made this accusation? You say it was 4 years before you even met him.
I'd be wondering if the whole thing wasn't a fairy story tbh.

Fairenuff · 06/07/2020 18:06

If he really was falsely accused then there is no way in hell he would want to be in contact with her. Something doesn't add up here OP which I am sure is why your spidey senses are tingling.

TempestHayes · 06/07/2020 18:07

I've heard of countless middle-aged blokes who contact exes when they're sadly casting around to have an affair with anyone who'll reply to them, but this is a new low.

stellabelle · 06/07/2020 18:08

I feel she’s a dangerous person getting in the middle of a family

But if he is talking to her, isn't it him who is putting her in the middle of your family ? I'm afraid you have a DH problem - there is obviously something going on with them.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 06/07/2020 18:08

I know someone who's ex threatened to make this accusation but never actually did
The person threatened is quite capable of embellishing the story for extra sympathy. Just a thought

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire · 06/07/2020 18:08

@MistyGreenAndBlue

Are you absolutely certain she made this accusation? You say it was 4 years before you even met him. I'd be wondering if the whole thing wasn't a fairy story tbh.
That actually crossed my mind as well.

There are two possibilities here. Either the OP's husband is telling the truth and in which case he has batshit crazy to be replying to his messages or he did rape her and she is the one who is batshit to be messaging him.

Neither scenerio makes sense so I would guess there is more going on.

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire · 06/07/2020 18:10

*is

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/07/2020 18:13

It all sounds a bit odd.

TempestHayes · 06/07/2020 18:14

Do you know who contacted the other? Either way, looks like the whole incident has been laughed off as nothing. They're both grim.

Leflic · 06/07/2020 18:15

Can you say exactly, how he is dismissing your concerns?

She’s a fairly recent ex. Why do exes get in touch normally ( presuming no kids involved)?

stealm · 06/07/2020 18:16

How long have they been messaging? What are the messages about? Is he prepared to show you the messages?
He shouldn't be messaging someone like that - it's just weird, why would you? She's accused you of rape - why would you ever want to have anything to do with her ever again?
Aside from the fact I don't think people who are married or in relationships should be carrying on long involved conversations with random people like that. Not saying people can't have friends but things like this are just asking for trouble.

Grumpyoldblonde · 06/07/2020 18:18

It's not beyond possibility that she feels it was rape and she wants him to admit it if just for her own peace of mind.

thepeopleversuswork · 06/07/2020 18:18

What are they talking about? Are they in touch about the rape accusation or is it just flirty bantz?

Sorry OP but I guarantee you haven't been given the full picture.

If an allegation of rape is made by one person about another there's no way on earth they would be messaging one another about the weather four years later. Either there is unfinished business regarding the rape which should be going through the police/courts or they are having an affair (or planning to). Or he made the whole thing up.

Who told you about the rape allegation?

Something very not right here...

Something

ThisismeT · 06/07/2020 18:18

What are they talking about?

LockdownLump · 06/07/2020 18:21

Do you know this happened for a fact? Or has he just told you about a 'crazy-ex' he used to have who was that crazy, that she falsely accused him of rape with no consequences?

Bluebunny123 · 06/07/2020 18:22

It all depends what they're talking about doesn't it.. although I wouldn't be talking to someone who ever accused me of something that awful again so it does seem odd.

Monstermissy36 · 06/07/2020 18:22

I'd assume when he told you it was to gain some kinds of sympathy and actually he's lying through his teeth.

PicsInRed · 06/07/2020 18:26

If he's sniffing back round her, I would question whether the rape accusation was a lie or the truth. Many, many, many women recant as so much pressure is brought to bear and they know how vile and pointless the criminal process will be. This is intensified if feelings remain and they feel guilty for "ruining" a "good" Hmm man's life.

I mean, she accused him of rape, so if he wants back in he's either a rapist or he's a right thicky.

Louise91417 · 06/07/2020 18:26

I would tend to agree with other posters in saying that he is probably lying about the allegation...its amazing the lengths some people will go to to get the sympathy vote of a new partner.Hmm

2bazookas · 06/07/2020 18:27

How long ago did he tell you about the past rape accusation?

I'd contact the woman and ask her what the backstory is between her and DH.

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire · 06/07/2020 18:29

@PicsInRed

If he's sniffing back round her, I would question whether the rape accusation was a lie or the truth. Many, many, many women recant as so much pressure is brought to bear and they know how vile and pointless the criminal process will be. This is intensified if feelings remain and they feel guilty for "ruining" a "good" Hmm man's life.

I mean, she accused him of rape, so if he wants back in he's either a rapist or he's a right thicky.

Tbh I would actually be questioning whether a rape accusation was even made at all.