Annoyed that ex-h is giving 5yo alcohol and won't talk to me about it

[Meeko505]

My ex-h is half French and drinks wine with dinner often, but a few months ago I found out that he's been giving my 5yo son wine with dinner sometimes, watered down. I tried to ask how much and how often, but he wouldn't respond and said it was none of my business.

(Background; he was a controlling and emotionally abusive partner and since divorcing a year ago has tried to control me in terms of who I can see with the kids around and what the kids wear and I've not done what he wants, so basically whenever I have an issue with his parenting he just turns it back to that and says 'well, you didn't cooperate with me so'. I am in touch with a few people about his behaviour and a few issues we've had and will mention this to them, but I'm pretty sure there are no official channels that will help with this one.)

Anyway, yesterday my 5yo said he doesn't like wine so now Dad gives him beer in a cup instead .Again, I've sent messages for details on the amount and regularity but he hasn't responded.

My guess would be it's a small amount but quite often - not just special occasions at all.

I'm worried that a) the logic that 'he doesn't like wine I'll give him something else instead' and b) it's regular enough that, particularly with beer, he's going to be primed to go right into drinking more when he's 12/13.

I understand the argument that a little early exposure makes it less enticing, but tbh this is very regular and my 5yo is still clearly smitten with the idea that he gets a grown up drink and clearly thinks it's very cool, I don't know. It's also hard when I just don't know how much and clearly have no control over how it's scaled up in the coming years.

AIBU?

[Chucklecheeks01]

Is he doing this to get a reaction from you OP?

[CaffiSaliMali]

My parents let me have the occasional small sip of their wine or beer as a child, but never more than a sip and not very often.

On a French exchange in the early noughties the school took us wine tasting at a vineyard. We were 13 and none of us drank much as we didn't like the taste. I stayed with my French family for two weeks, attending extended family meals and none of the children were given alcohol.

I wouldn't be happy in your position OP. This isn't a joint parenting decision, and sounds like it's more than one sip a couple of times a year. I wouldn't give a child their own glass of booze watered down, and it sounds like he may do this every time he has them. If he wanted to embrace French culture with them he would be better off teaching them the language and serving them French foods. I doubt this is about embracing French culture though and is about sticking two fingers up at you.

The table incident sounds awful, they must have been scared

[dreamingbohemian]

My husband is French, we used to live in France, no one I know would give alcohol to a 5 year old. Surprised to see some people saying it's still normal, maybe it's a regional thing.

The French might not binge drink as in the UK but they have a pretty staggering rate of alcohol abuse so this whole idea that it's a good thing to give kids alcohol is really misguided.

OP is your contact arrangement court-ordered? If not, would going down this route help put some restrictions on his behaviour? Have you ever spoken to a solicitor in addition to social services?

[boringusername2250]

and I've had crying phone calls from the kids because daddy is too angry etc

I would love to leave my husband but it is this that terrifies me.

[otterturk]

I couldn't get too upset about this if it's a tiny bit watered down with soda/lemonade. My parents did the same from around the same age. It was a tiny tiny amount!

[SunshineCake]

This man is using your children to control you. Giving them alcohol and complaining when they use manners is obviously the complete opposite of what you and most sane people would do so on that basis, I would try and stop contact. It isn't safe for them to be drinking alcohol and contact should always be for the benefit of the child. Now I see the table tipping as well . Thank goodness the crockery didn't smash then pierce into their skin. What a horrible man and terrible father. Are both children boys ?

[qazxc]

I'm french and this "vin rose" would have been common at my grandparents house. I was born end at the end of the 70's. It would have been less than a centimeter at the bottom of the glass, just enough to colour the water. Not enough to get drunk on or cause liver damage.
So I am guessing that your ex is probably serving up something similar.
TBH all french children I know drink just plain water with their meals.

[Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches]

I can’t imagine any french family I know doing this - they are so into healthy eating and also strict!

My family background is Italian and we were allowed wine and water with meals sometimes. I remember once being allowed to take it to bed with me as a bed time drink- waking up in the night for a drink of water and it was so disgusting!

[MeridianB]

A 3yo and 5yo crying on the phone because their daddy is too angry is absolutely heartbreaking. He sounds abusive. Do SS know about this?

Could you not withhold contact and let him go to court?

[Meeko505]

I don't know. I've mentioned to people before that they've been upset at his but obviously it doesn't mean he's abusive - could just be he's yelling at them and they don't like it, you know? There's no proof.

It is very tricky. I don't want to risk withholding contact and going to court if it might not go anywhere or, in fact, lead to a court order which means he is ordered to have a minimum of say, 3 days a week with them, which in my mind seems like it could give him an even stronger position than he has now. It's also worth saying he has a lot more money to throw at lawyers than I do.

The kids go up and down with wanting to go to his - at the moment the 3yo often seems to be happy to go and the 5yo is sort of OK about it, but the 3yo used to cry about going and the 5yo was mostly happy to go. Their feelings on it all seem to fluctuate a lot.