Is this Midwife out of line?

[SistineScreamer]

Curious as to what others would think. My daughter just had her first DC yesterday. She had an elective section and is still in hospital. My daughter is young, she’s 24, Not married (and has no intention to) but been with her DP since they were 16. She’s had some MH issues, stemmed from ex husband of mine. This is all noted in her file and is a manageable, she’s had to come off her medication during the pregnancy because of risks to the baby but she was more than willing to do this. She’s in a private room and not on a ward. All this information is important as I assume this is why she was treated the way she was.

She rang me 30 minutes ago in tears. Telling me one of the midwives assigned to her has been horrible to her. We’ll call her Midwife A.

All this is what she says happened - First, DD had baby in a onsie and bib, midwife A came in and commented that the bib was too big for baby, took baby out of DD’s arms and removed the bib. Even if the bib was too big why completely undermine her like that? Next, DD brought wipes for her face, body etc they were baby brand water wipes as her skin is overly sensitive to anything else. Midwife proceeded to lecture DD that these were wrong and cotton buds must be used with water instead, proceeded to bin wipes then leave the room.

Half an hour later Midwife A came back in to ask DD about her feeding choices. DD was sexually assaulted and does not feel comfortable breastfeeding, her choice. Midwife proceeded to give her the breast is best talk, asking why she wouldn’t consider breastfeeding, basically making her feel like shit for picking formula. DD mentioned she’d purchased a perfect prep machine for the formula (you know the ones that give the perfect shot of hot water at night so you don’t have to faff about with the kettle?) this woman nodded, left the room and came back 15 minutes later with a print out of the perfect prep machine....asking DD to confirm if this was what she was talking about. Nodding and tutting. What the fuck? Even if she wanted to know what DD was talking about, why print it out and bring it to her? Why not look it up herself?

Next issue came with the drip that was in DD’s hand, it was ripping the skin, physically pulling up the skin. She asked Midwife A if she could take it out or change it, to be told no nothing could be done. She’d just have to suck it up. An hour after she was told this another midwife came in, Midwife B, she begged midwife B to take it out and showed her what it was doing to her hand. Midwife B promptly took it out stating that there was no problem. Midwife A came back for her checks, asked DD what happened to the drop. DD explained that midwife B took it out, midwife A mumbled something about how that couldn’t be right and she’d have to check that ‘story’ right away.

DD is still vulnerable after birth, can’t move yet because of the catheter and has to be changed by this woman who she feels uncomfortable with and intimidated by. This woman has to handle her naked, change her sheets and I feel from what she’s saying it’s making her MH worse. She says she feels like Midwife A is talking about her with the other midwife (not B) on duty who she seems friendly with, shared looks, little smirks, off comments.

The looks and such could be DD’s dislike for this midwife raring up. But the rest, is this normal! I feel like she’s over stepped the mark and made my child feel low because of her age and choices. Should we ignore this?

Some people are quite simply in the wrong job. The midwife had no right to throw away your dd’s wipes or by making her feel so low. I would tell someone how she is feeling & hopefully your dd will be out of hospital soon. Congratulations on your grand child!

A lot of the issue actually is direct entry midwives with no nursing experience. They obviously without nursing skills struggle when faced with patients who have had surgical procedures. Not saying this midwife is direct entry but it's a definite issue

Baby wipes...used them since my two (11 and 8) were born never had issues in hospital and never did them any harms

Can you visit at the moment OP due to Covid?

I just had baby, I’m 41 and a lawyer and also found myself being patronised by certain midwives / staff, so your daughter is not the only one.

I though my baby was jaundiced, pointed this out, was completely dismissed in quite a rude way (made me feel like I was being neurotic). It turned out he was jaundiced!

However in that setting, having just given birth, on my own without my DH due to Covid and feeling like they were the experts not me, I just felt silly, when I should have insisted they test him (which would have taken them all of 2 minutes!).

@GrumpyHoonMain

I don’t think the midwife has done anything wrong here. Honestly do you think her not taking her meds has caused this? If she’s not going to breastfeed might be a good idea to get her on them asap as it all sounds like paranoia. Also, if she has a private room, why aren’t you able to stay with her (or insist on it). A friend gave birth this morning and will stay a week in a private room due to complications with her - her mum is able to stay with her on the chair.

My concern too

Wow - I am a nearly 40 year old mum who would have been in trouble at the hospital as I used water wipes on my newborn and his bibs would have been too big as they are on any newborn.

She needs someone there is advocate for her - is her partner there? Can he speak to senior nurse?

Wow - I am a nearly 40 year old mum who would have been in trouble at the hospital as I used water wipes on my newborn and his bibs would have been too big as they are on any newborn.

She needs someone there is advocate for her - is her partner there? Can he speak to senior nurse?

Wow - I am a nearly 40 year old mum who would have been in trouble at the hospital as I used water wipes on my newborn and his bibs would have been too big as they are on any newborn.

She needs someone there is advocate for her - is her partner there? Can he speak to senior nurse?

I feel for your daughter.
I've had four babies, but it's the experience I had with my firstborn when I was 23 that sticks in my mind the most.
I had to stay in hospital, following a 3rd degree tear.
Although I was 23, I looked a lot younger. This particular midwife came to me, snatched my baby from my breast and stuck a bottle of formula in his mouth.
She then proceeded to ask me a series of questions,
"Do you smoke?"
"No, I've never smoked in my life".
"Really? Most girls your age do".
"How old do you think I am?"
"You're sixteen aren't you?"
"No"
(patronising, sarcastic tone) "Oh sorry! Are you seventeen?"
I didn't have the energy to argue, but she must have checked out my date of birth on my notes then, as she avoided me for the rest of my stay!
The way she snatched my baby from my breast will stay with me for life.
He's about to celebrate his 21st Birthday and never spoken a word in his life due to his disability.
I was blissfully unaware there was anything wrong in his first year of life, and I still resent her for invading those first precious moments.
Words can have a massive impact.

I actually had a similar experience to your daughters. I was classed as anxious and vulnerable and had a private room. Had an emergency c -section. All the staff were lovely, apart from one midwife who was awful. Really awful! I struggled to establish breastfeeding. She took this to mean that I wasn't trying hard enough. My baby just wouldn't feed well. She kept yanking me about, deliberately pulling me onto my side. She picked up my baby and told me to strip him off for skin to skin (fine). Then within five minutes started yelling at me that he was getting cold, despite me simply following her instructions and holding him close for warmth. She man handled him(turned him upside down/handled him roughly). She told me that if I didn't feed him he would end up in neonatal care. I was doing everything I possibly could to get him to feed. Then, she reprimanded me and told me that he was just a typical lazy boy and I needed to get him to shape up. My husband,who is very quiet, ordered her out of the room. I was left utterly distraught. The next day the breast feeding lady came into help me and I broke down in tears and told her what happened. She said that she would be filing a complaint as soon as I was discharged. In the end that midwife was not allowed to attend to me. One of the other midwifes did say that she was tough and no nonsense and 'didn't suffer fools gladly'. I was no fool. Far from it. But I was vulnerable, had just had a 60hr labour, forceps, emergency c section, suffered from anxiety, my baby wouldn't feed and I was very much alone. To this day I have no idea why she took a dislike to me. Unfortunately it does happen. However, it is rate and most midwives are lovely. I would get your daughter to speak to the ward sister/another midwife and request that she isn't allowed to deal with her any more as it is having a detrimental effect on her mental health. Then, once she is discharged, I would help her file a complaint.

ah your poor DD. I had a similar experience with a MW from hell after my 2nd DS. I had had to have emergency hysterectomy and was in a bad way. This woman made my life hell. Same story about the IV - she wouldn't change mine even though it was agony. Eventually when my mother came in she insisted on a doctor being called and he changed it immediately. Some people should just not be midwives or nurses IMO. This woman was horrible to me, really horrible. And as well I heard her laughing to the other nurses about me and called me 'little princess' or something like that, because the doctor wanted them to put these stockings on me and I couldn't get them on myself and she refused to help me. She was the worst. I should have complained....

I'm surprised they advised stopping her medication, I was told to stay on mine. Though of course I don't know what she was on. It just seems very risky given her MH issues.
Is that why she got her own room?
In hindsight I should have had my own room, but it wasn't offered. I guess they downplayed my MH issues. Ridiculous as I was nearly sectioned two weeks later!

Focus on the fact that your grandchild was delivered safely, your daughter is well, and don’t take any notice of the grumpy unsympathetic midwife, because it’s not important now, congratulations!

Well you've picked an appropriate user name.

My baby was ill when he was born and the nurse on SCBU was a complete cow to me. Every little thing I did was criticized, was wrong, she reduced me to tears on more than one occasion. That was after a traumatic birth. My mental health was not great afterwards, surprisingly, not that anyone would acknowledge it because you know, baby was on and that's the important thing...

My only advice would be to tell your DD to try and ignore her, and hope that she isn't looking after your dd on her next shift. Can her partner stay with her.

Congratulations to you and your daughter op.
Has your DD been mobilised yet? She really should have been and catheter out, in my hospital it's common about 6 hours after the section as it's believed this aids recover.
Also how is she doing for pain relief? I'd double check that she's all okay in that department.
I don't think this behaviour is normal. None of my DC have ever been picked up by the midwife or Dr without them asking and for a good medical reason. I agree that if the bib was deemed to be a health hazard your DD should of just been asked to remove it.
It is possible that her hormones are affecting her mental health so she really needs to have someone there who she feels she trusts and can talk to, midwife A is clearly not that person. Her care should be transferred to midwife B. How do you feel about her being released home earlier than planned? I have no mental health issues but felt teary and completely unsupported in the hospital. I couldn't wait for DH to get us home and looked after, couldn't imagine multiple nights in hospital.

There are sensitive, gentle and tactful ways to talk to new parents and discuss choices they have made. If this midwife is making your DD feel uncomfortable or belittled it is not acceptable and could affect her confidence in caring for herself and her new baby. It certainly doesn’t sound like a helpful or therapeutic relationship - can your daughter move to another ward, or request a different midwife?
Congratulations on the birth of your Grandchild!

Poor girl but sadly you hear this a lot, I would be having a word with the midwife

Throwing away her wipes was awful.

So what if she disagrees with them? She can use cotton wool and water for her own babies but what other women choose is down to them! Would you tolerate anyone declaring your choice of wipes or nappies is wrong and not ‘allowing you’ to use them?? Absolutely messed up power dynamics between two adults.

I wonder if part of the problem is that she is in a room on her own? Not that a single room is not a lovely thing most of the time in hospital, but she is young, sounds as though she is on her own a lot of the time, she doesn't know if this particular midwife speaks to everyone in the same tone, and doesn't have any one else to raise eyebrows with, if you know what I mean! Is she perhaps having too mch time to brood on what people are saying as they pop in and out and her MH and other issues are making it all a bit overwhelming.

Obviously none of us were there so don't know the ins and outs, but it does sound a bit to me as though it could be that a rather brusque MW has set off a chain of thought for a young, vunerable , anxious first time mum who is feeling a bit isolated.

@OhTheRoses If the OP's dd needs her my medication that, with all due respect, is a decision to taken in conjunction with the patient by a doctor, possibly a psychiatrist, not a midwife

I didn't say anything of the sort. I did say that it sounds as though it might be a good idea if the OP's DD might get back on her medication do we always have to be completely explicit in a post that of course the DD's healthcare professionals are the ones to make the decison not OP, not OP's DD and certainly not bossy mw

There are a lot of discussions about post-natal care but it seems not all mw are getting and reading the memos. It is important that everyone gives feedback on their birth experiences so the care can be improved.

I'm furious reading this. The fact that something is shit for many people is not a reason to accept it being shit. Postnatal women are vulnerable without pre-existing mh conditions and trauma, thats even more reason for mws to be gentle and not act like utter cunts like this one has. We should not be accepting this!

Your daughter is so lucky to have you, so many women go through this without anyone advocating for them. Please do complain, this is not acceptable

@Ilovethemapples

I don't think the midwife has done anything wrong. She is giving advice and just trying to help and do her job. Of course your daughter's choices for her baby are only to be made by her but it doesn't mean that they are ones a health professional would necessarily recommend.

This. The things listed hardly seem to deserve the gathering of the pitchforks and cries of Complain ! She’s a bitch !

She sounds like she is doing her job responsibly and your daughter doesn’t like taking advice. She’s probably feeling exhausted and tetchy and focussing on exaggerating slights.

She certainly doesn't seem very nice but I don't think there is anything definitively wrong that the midwife did. Not to belittle your daughter's version of events but we're all very emotional and knackered when we've just had a baby and I'm sure this midwife would have upset me too. Assuming you aren't allowed in right now, can either she or her DP have a word with the midwife in charge and ask can midwife A if possible not be dealing with her again.

I would complain.

I think it's irrelevant wether the Midwife is right or wrong. If your DD feels unconfortable with her she has to ask for a new midwife. If she needs help then you should ask for a new midwife for her.
Good luck