To ‘cause’ argument between BIL and DH? (#metoo related)

[HundredAcre]

BIL has some kind of obsession with a particular famous person who has been accused of sexual assault; he posts regular provocative Facebook posts about it, often derogatory about the woman who has made the allegation. I occasionally comment that we can never know for sure but otherwise keep out of it. On one of them recently however, he extended this to bitching about the #MeToo movement, how trial by media is outrageous, that people should not just believe whatever women say, not even as a starting point when they talk about what has (allegedly?!) happened to them.

I tried to debate and had barely said anything at all except that it was positive that people were becoming more aware of violence against women, and he was really nasty. He and a Facebook friend of his basically started saying I was incapable of identifying any rational aspect of any argument - and also generalising that to all women - and just made it very personal too, it got really misogynistic and I could barely believe what I was reading.

DH told me to just ignore him. I told DH it was fucking outrageous and he should have stood up for me. I got so angry I blocked BIL on Facebook. When BIL text DH to ask if things were ok, DH just said yes it’s fine. I told DH that standing by and letting BIL speak like that about women was unacceptable, and we had an argument about male privilege, which ended in him storming out, then storming back into the room again with clenched fists and screaming at me “you ungrateful bitch, you fucking cunt” pacing towards me until I actually put 999 on my phone and held it up with my finger ready to call, and he stopped instantly. I pointed out the irony when he’d calmed down.

DH is now super apologetic etc etc, says he will never do it again, will always stand up to BIL if he speaks to me like that again. So now there is this huge tension between me and BIL and I don’t know how we will ever be able to meet up in future and it be normal again.

This was a couple of weeks ago and I can’t get over it. Was I unreasonable? Should I have just shut up and kept the peace?

Today is 5 year anniversary of when I was raped, DH hasn’t remembered and is wondering why I look so sad. The police didn’t believe me when I reported.

Jesus your husband sounds like a complete cunt.

sorry about what happened to you OP

Hope you are ok OP with the anniversary

Of course you shouldnt have shut up and kept the peace but I think you do need to have a long chat with your DH first and then refuse to have anything to do with youur BIL

Your brother in law in a cunt and your husband is a bigger cunt. Two separate issues. I've been married 20 years if my husband ever came towards me like that I'd divorce him.

What quartz said

Ugh. Can see where your DH gets it from - must have been what they were brought up to believe.

I would not criticise you in any way if you felt that you wanted to leave - the clenched fists and misogynistic language would be enough for that, even without the context.

You need to talk to your DH. Some people are dreadful when it comes to remembering dates, so you'll probably have to remind him. That'll be his opportunity to say and do the right thing.

You were right to stand up for act you believe in, it cannot have been easy.

Or on second thoughts, what anothernewyear said.

Your BIL and your husband are cut from the same misogynistic cloth. I would have nothing to do with either of them. And I would be amazed if that was the first time your husband screamed and swore at you - he is showing you who he is. You should listen.

I can't believe what I've just read OP. That is awful.

Do you think your DH has really taken in what his behaviour meant? Threatening and abusive towards his wife over falling out with his brother about that very issue! Has he said anything to you since about it?

As awful as the BIL stuff is, I think put that to one side for the moment and think about what your husband did and whether you can come back from that. Does he get how abusive his behaviour was?

The only thing you are at risk of doing wrong is making this whole issue about BIL, and a FB argument, to avoid dealing with the bigger issue (DH's awful behaviour and attitude to women). Making it about a FB post makes it sound petty and daft, whereas your husbands reaction was very serious. Are you okay? Do you have other support on this difficult day?

Why do you feel that you should accept his behaviour and just quietly live with a misogynistic bully?

Sorry for your anniversary today. But you really do not have to put up with this behaviour.

There are good men out there. Your husband is not one of them. Sounds like the misogyny is ingrained. How does his dad treat his mum?

I’m so sorry that you were raped. I was subjected to the same and certain things are triggers for me like the anniversary of your attack are for you.

Your BIL’s behaviour is revolting- you did the right thing blocking him. Your husband though.... I actually think you should be reevaluating your relationship with him. He’s made you feel so threatened and unsafe due to his aggressive behaviour you were close to calling 999.

I'd be planning on avoiding the BIL and making my plans to leave. That sort of attitude isn't "fixed" by one rational chat.

DH has an awful temper. He rages to himself constantly (Daily or more) but usually goes somewhere quiet to do it privately, usually over make believe or imagined situations, then he gets over it. He has once spoken to me like that before, about 4 years ago. After the showing him 999 thing snapped him out of it, I said ‘that was abuse, you’ve just abused me’. He’s actually a police officer and it would have been his colleagues attending if I’d called 999, and it is meaningful to him that I made him recognise and identify it as abuse not just part of a normal argument. It’s ridiculous because he is so supportive of women and victims at work, and regularly deals with rape cases. He says witnessing what I’ve suffered since my rape has made him so aware of what victims are going through when he is at work, and he isn’t just bullshitting. He was genuinely outraged when a colleague made a throw away comment about ‘real rape’ (a stranger rape) vs just a rape, and challenged them etc.

I can’t believe he treated me like that but I don’t want to leave. He has started doing breathing exercises morning and night and doing yoga to manage his temper, which does reduce how often he is raging, if he carries on I will ask him to have counselling.

I just feel like I’m in the wrong somehow, that maybe it is my personal experiencing making me over react. That maybe I shouldn’t have expected DH to stand up for me. I hate pretending and I don’t want to sit around a table with his mum and BIL at birthdays etc, and pretend it never happened. But don’t want to upset the family..

He needs counselling now, not later. If he lets the red mist descend at work, that could be catastrophic just as much as it could be for you at home.

And I'd have migraines for every family gathering if I chose not to leave. Bollocks to what they think.

Your bil is an asshole, but to be honest, that's a side issue. Your DH was so aggressive with you that you felt the need to dial 999. And it was only that threat that stopped him. That is what you need to think about, and take action on

told DH that standing by and letting BIL speak like that about women was unacceptable

Well, your DH is not his brother’s keeper. You can’t ask or expect your husband to stop BIL from doing anything. You also can’t hold your DH responsible for BILs vile behaviour.

However, it’s awful that you had to go through a huge argument with your DH losing his temper and screaming profanities at you before he would realise that he should not be a quiet or silent bystander but should stand up for what you both value and believe in terms of metoo, women’s rights and such. It was cowardly for him to watch BIL post misogynistic nasty things to you in FB and say nothing. Some people are such pacifists though, that they will avoid confrontations at all costs, even if their partner is in the firing line.

I would not cause any arguments to “test” your DH. That would be unreasonable. But it’s perfectly reasonable to see in future if DH is capable of standing up for you.

The BIL is the least of your worries. He's clearly a misogynistic twat, yes, but he's unlikely to ever change, so there's no point debating with him.
Your DH, however, is someone you need to not be a misogynist, because he's your DH. The fact that he stopped screaming and threatening when he was faced with police action shows that he can stop if he chooses. Re 'ungrateful': what exactly does he think you should be grateful for? For him not remembering the date of a horrific trauma? For him verbally abusing you? For him excusing his brother's behaviour?
I would seriously consider if this person is who you want to be with. You certainly deserve better - I can say this without even knowing you, because no-one deserves this treatment.

I know it's easy to say, looking in from the outside, but I'm not sure our relationship could survive if DH raised his fists at me to the extent that I had to put my finger over 999, never mind knowing your history. Your DH's reaction is definite red flag territory and I'd be looking at other aspects of our relationship to see if they were abusive or controlling.

I hope you are OK.

Can your dh access work funded therapy/counceling(sp)?

His verbal abuse of you and the fact that he'd forgotten about the timing of your rape, is terrible.

And then also the fact that he appears to come from a family of misogynists.

I don't think my relationship would survive that either.

I'm not sure that you should expect your husband to "defend" you in a spat over FB.

The bigger problem is that he obviously has the same opinions as your BIL & tbh sounds thoroughly nasty.

Can't imagine why you don't want to leave tbh.

"He’s actually a police officer" good grief!

Johnny Depp/Amber Heard perchance?