To ‘cause’ argument between BIL and DH? (#metoo related)

[HundredAcre]

BIL has some kind of obsession with a particular famous person who has been accused of sexual assault; he posts regular provocative Facebook posts about it, often derogatory about the woman who has made the allegation. I occasionally comment that we can never know for sure but otherwise keep out of it. On one of them recently however, he extended this to bitching about the #MeToo movement, how trial by media is outrageous, that people should not just believe whatever women say, not even as a starting point when they talk about what has (allegedly?!) happened to them.

I tried to debate and had barely said anything at all except that it was positive that people were becoming more aware of violence against women, and he was really nasty. He and a Facebook friend of his basically started saying I was incapable of identifying any rational aspect of any argument - and also generalising that to all women - and just made it very personal too, it got really misogynistic and I could barely believe what I was reading.

DH told me to just ignore him. I told DH it was fucking outrageous and he should have stood up for me. I got so angry I blocked BIL on Facebook. When BIL text DH to ask if things were ok, DH just said yes it’s fine. I told DH that standing by and letting BIL speak like that about women was unacceptable, and we had an argument about male privilege, which ended in him storming out, then storming back into the room again with clenched fists and screaming at me “you ungrateful bitch, you fucking cunt” pacing towards me until I actually put 999 on my phone and held it up with my finger ready to call, and he stopped instantly. I pointed out the irony when he’d calmed down.

DH is now super apologetic etc etc, says he will never do it again, will always stand up to BIL if he speaks to me like that again. So now there is this huge tension between me and BIL and I don’t know how we will ever be able to meet up in future and it be normal again.

This was a couple of weeks ago and I can’t get over it. Was I unreasonable? Should I have just shut up and kept the peace?

Today is 5 year anniversary of when I was raped, DH hasn’t remembered and is wondering why I look so sad. The police didn’t believe me when I reported.

I just feel like I’m in the wrong somehow, that maybe it is my personal experiencing making me over react. That maybe I shouldn’t have expected DH to stand up for me. I hate pretending and I don’t want to sit around a table with his mum and BIL at birthdays etc, and pretend it never happened. But don’t want to upset the family..

Well stop thinking like that right now. This instant.

I just feel like I’m in the wrong somehow, - you're not.

that maybe it is my personal experiencing making me over react. - whether it is or it isn't, you're not overreacting

That maybe I shouldn’t have expected DH to stand up for me. - you have every right to expect him to stand up for you against his misogynistic brother. Any DH should, but FGS, he knows what you went through in the past.

I hate pretending and I don’t want to sit around a table with his mum and BIL at birthdays etc, and pretend it never happened. -then don't. You shouldn't have to sit with such an appalling specimen of a man, nor should you have to pretend it didn't. it did.

But don’t want to upset the family.. - why not? Your H and his brother are happy to not just upset you, but minimise and ignore the real trauma you went through. To verbally abuse you. To degrade the whole #metoo movement. Bloody hell, rip them to shreds and don't care.

Personally I ended a relationship when someone called me a cunt but we didn't have kids/a mortgage together.

I hope you see what a problem this is, that he is verbally abusing you.

@JoesExotic

Johnny Depp/Amber Heard perchance?

Not relevant.

I also suspect that your DH is putting on a nice act for people at work (virtue signalling perhaps) and then in private with you, you can see his real attitudes. He may not think of himself as a misogynist but he has clearly shown you that he is one.

I don’t agree on the forgetting the anniversary of a rape being a bad thing. I don’t mark or track the anniversaries of my rapes nor would I expect my DH to as well. It seems a very self flagellating thing to deliberately mark that on such and such a day x years ago I was raped. Why do that to yourself? And what’s the point? I get flashbacks and reminders out of nowhere on any day in any year, and that’s distressing enough with setting aside specific days every year to deliberately revisit them.

i think you have a dh problem youre diverting your anger to bil but your dh reaction is worse

noone should get angry like that and call you names over this

Johnny Depp/Amber Heard perchance?
Missing the point of the thread?

Agree that if you stay together, avoid family gatherings, especially if they include BIL.

This is really difficult. Your DH was wrong for the way he treated you obviously, but you did knowingly cause an issue where there didn’t need to be one.

Your BIL is entitled to his opinion and while it might be a bit of a dick move, he’s not doing anything wrong by positing his opinions on Facebook. There are plenty of women that don’t agree with the #metoo movement for the obvious reason that it is dangerous to automatically assume every person is always telling the truth. Our differing options on that are irrelevant here though.

Your BIL sounds like a twat, but you chose to engage with him knowing that it would stir up drama, and then you threw a tantrum when your DH didn’t stick up for you. It doesn’t sound like your DH was the only unreasonable one here.

I can't believe what I'm reading. How awful! Your BIL is an utter shit, but yes you should be able to expect your DH to defend you when someone is abusing you whether in real life or online. At the very least he should have tried to defuse the situation rather than minimising it and telling your BIL that everything was fine.

Then there is his threatening behaviour and the fact that he is a police officer. What if your phone wasn't near by? Would he have stopped before he struck you, and even if he did he was purposely making you fear for your safety. Makes me fear for my safety knowing there are police with that kind of temperament about who haven't been weeded out. To top it off he managed to forget the date when a horrendous crime was committed against his wife. It just gets worse and worse. You deserve so much better. I hope you get the support you need

YABU for thinking you or you or your DH need to get involved with your BILs behaviour your views. If you know he can’t talk or debate rationally then don’t waste your time. This is why social media is so bad, it fuels arguments and negativity and you shouldn’t have to ask DH to support you/your views etc. You are also being unreasonable to think your husband should remember the date you were raped.

However, issues clearly run deeper here. And your husband sounds like a knob.

Your husband sounds absolutely awful. I’m so sorry, and I hope that one day when you’re ready you’re able to get away from him and live without that inexcusable behaviour.

Easiest way to get rid of BIL is to divorce your husband.
Your husband stopped calling you a cunt only because he knew your 999 calls would go to a colleague, not because he recognised he was being abusive. You’re deluded about his recognition.

I’m really sorry about what happened to you

The fact that he’s a Police Officer regularly dealing with sexual abuse victims is frightening. Sadly there are quite a lot of Police Officers who are perpetrators of domestic violence. That is what this is OP. It’s abusive. Don’t ever be put off ringing 999 just because of what he does for a living. If he were arrested he would be taken to a custody office away from where he works and be dealt with officers who do not know him. There’s measures to ensure he’s unable to influence an investigation.

The bil is irrelevant as you can probably easily have little to do with him. I hope you can get the strength, support and advice to leave this bully. He doesn’t deserve you💐

Talk to him about the date. There's really no reason that he should remember it, to be fair. Some of us are good with dates, some of us have rubbish memories.
I only know when it's the anniversary of my husband's death when a friend of mine (who does know and always remembers) texts me to say she's thinking of me. I had no sense of time when he was dying and probably couldn't have told you what month it was.

But yep, anyway, it might help him understand why you reacted as you did.

I'm sorry you have an awful husband.

Your BIL sounds shit too. He's not obsessed with Assange is he? Assange supporters are really the worst with regards to rape apology.

Your brother in law in a cunt and your husband is a bigger cunt. Two separate issues. I've been married 20 years if my husband ever came towards me like that I'd divorce him

This. If H EVER spoke to me like that, much less on the day I was raped, he would find all his belongings in the gutter. No fcking way would I put up with abusive treatment like that. That is just AWFUL.

The only reason your DH didnt go any further in his fist clench rage was because you were going to call the police. Not because he realised he was wrong just that as a copper his colleagues would realise he is an abuser.

you are in victim mode and are thinking somehow you must have done something wrong. I think you need to seek some support with regard to that.

He's a police officer? My God, thats worrying. No wonder the police are losing support if thats the calibre of their employees. Bloody hell

BIL is irrelevant. I wouldn’t ask dh to ‘stand up for me’ against a mysoginist on social media. I’d tell him how pissed I was and how awful his brother is, but there would be no demand for him to don his armour on my behalf. I’d equally explain why I was uncomfortable going to the next family thing, but I’d suck it up. (My dsis is also married to a twat, but one of a slightly different shade).
Your dh? Nah mate. No husband of mine comes towards me aggressively at any point, not even once. The end.
Get out. That marriage is done. And I would be citing that abuse as a reason and discussing it with everyone.
If for whatever reason you are inclined to stay, he must locate and attend anger management therapy (long overdue) and a good relationship counsellor who doesn’t condone brute force as a method of dealing with stress.

He didn’t stop because he realised that he’d behaved so awfully that you were about to call for help. He stopped because he realised that your call would mean his colleagues coming to his home and his behaviour being gossiped about at his place of work. He had enough self control to realise this but chose not to calm himself down until you forced him to.

I grew up in a household with domestic violence. My marriage would be over in a heartbeat if my DH ever clenched his fist at me. I think you should be spending less time thinking about how to deal with future meetings with your bil and more time thinking about the fact that your DH behaved so aggressively towards you that you felt it necessary to get ready to dial 999. That is not normal.

Agree with the others that your husband sounds appalling.

I cannot conceive of ever being with someone who came towards me with clenched fists screaming that kind of abuse. That's horrific and would be the end of my relationship. How can you possibly stay with someone who clearly hates women this much?

And yes, his faux understanding of women and rape at work is a lie. It's not what he believes deep down. You've seen the real person and he's an abusive bully. The fact that he chose to stop - and was able to - when he realised it would reveal him to his colleagues and perhaps cost him his job is very telling. Not that he cared anything about you.

I actually think your personal history means you are underreacting.

I am really sorry for everything you've been through and are going through.

the BIL side of it sounds like it could be possible to resolve. When you blocked him it sounds like he realised he'd gone too far and cared enough about you to have called DH to see if you were OK. DH was daft saying you were okay. Could DH call back and say, actually DW isn't okay, it really upset her and go from there with either DH explaining why you had every right to be upset or handing the phone over for BIL to apologise.

DH though, my blood ran cold when you said you showed him 999 on your phone. What if he had snatched it off you or it had further enraged him. I do think that whilst it's good you haven't swept it under the carpet you do appear to be minimising it. Yes, he's taking some responsibility by going off to rant generally, but on this occasion he didn't stay away until he calmed down and next time he will be prepared for you calling999 and possibly ruminating on it getting angrier and angrier.

Specialist counselling sounds many years overdue.

My Uncle was a cop. It didn't stop him from grabbing me round the throat. Just because someone is in a respectable position, doesn't make them a 'safe' person to be around.

Sending hugs. Only you can decide what's right for you but I left home not long after that incident.

LTB