MIL not coming to DD 1st birthday party

[Wolfgirrl]

So after creating drama around my daughter's birth, her christening, and our wedding date, MIL has now decided to be awkward about my daughter's 1st birthday party.

MiL has 2 sons, one being my fiance. Other lives at the opposite end of the UK with SiL and their 2 kids.

It is DD's 1st birthday in a few weeks, we have said for a while we will be having a family party for her. It has been a really rough year for us, I was very unwell and had to spend time in a mother and baby unit (severe postnatal OCD) then once I got home COVID hit and we have been cooped up ever since. I know DD wont know it is her birthday but it is also about us creating some nice memories and celebrating getting through the year (even if it is an outdoor distanced picnic).

PIL initially said they would come. Now the date is drawing closer, theyve backtracked and stopped responding to texts asking them if they can make it, etc. DP phoned a few days ago and MIL said they wanted to see BIL and his family that weekend so waiting to see if lockdown permits it. If not presumably we are second choice. She said DD is only 1 so won't know.

AIBU to think that isnt the fucking point? BIL's wife is a SAHM and the kids are off until September so they can choose any weekend, or weekdays if they want. Apparently BIL invited them up which doesnt surprise me, I have long suspected he resents the fact he isnt the only one with children now so we can't work around him any more.

Just so pissed off. We can never just arrange something and have them reply 'Lovely, we will be there.' It feels like a power struggle that we should always be the ones to work around them. Am I right to be annoyed?

Tell them that now things are opening up you have changed your plans and will be doing something you think Dd will enjoy more and then tell them you hope they enjoy their day. Get your dh to tell them.

Honestly, pause, breathe...you said you want to create some nice memories - I think by the sounds of it you will create some much nicer memories without her there! I think you are dodging a bullett!

My lovely Mum & wonderful MIL are no longer with us sadly.
But we are lucky enough to have a wonderful friend who our daughter has adopted as her best friend / grandma figure
Maybe you have a special friend /godmother who can fill this gap for you . X x After all it’s the person that counts not a title x x

I fear you’ve played into her hands sending her that long message.

Power plays only work when you play. Don’t play, don’t engage. “Sorry you can’t make it. You’ll be missed”. Nothing else. When they realise you aren’t going to run around after them or cave in the face of their manipulation, they’ll reassess their behaviour.

@GCAcademic

I fear you’ve played into her hands sending her that long message.

Power plays only work when you play. Don’t play, don’t engage. “Sorry you can’t make it. You’ll be missed”. Nothing else. When they realise you aren’t going to run around after them or cave in the face of their manipulation, they’ll reassess their behaviour.

I agree. Don't engage. Just respond "too bad, see you another time"

@Zogtastic that’s awful and certainly eye opening. Similar happened to me when DH and I flew across the world for my mothers wedding. When she picked us up at the airport an hour late she said something like oh I thought your brother might have surprised me and came along too. It was clear then what she thought of me.

Low contact. Good idea. Let them come running to you, and not vice versa. Carrying on inviting them, but if they decline, that’s their issue.

No more pampering to their needs.

@Wolfgirrl I can’t imagine your MIL took that well!

@HerRoyalNotness - ouch! Your conscious mind knows it’s their issue not yours, but it still stings.

A technique that got suggested to us has really helped though. Rather than trying to change their behaviour or challenge them on it or getting them to acknowledge the impact on you (tried all those and pretty futile!) this technique is about helping you find true acceptance and therefore more easily leave the issue with them rather than letting it hit you.
We call it a “Barb” rating and have split it into two parts. On the way home, we give them a score out of 10 for shitty comments they’ve made - one score for effort (ooh, they really tried hard with that one) and one score for impact (ouch, that one cut straight to the bone!) it’s amazing how it helped externalise their behaviour and leave it with them. The impact score soon lowered from a constant painful 10. And then one time we made it all the way home and realised we hadn’t felt the need to discuss scoring them at all. That felt a great moment of success. Thought I would share the strategy as you might find it helps you too.

I think you were right to send the email, OP. I don't think they'll ever change so you setting them straight about how you feel is good for you to get out of your system. If you say nothing, you'll just continue to stew. Low contact and no fucks given sounds like the perfect way to proceed!

@Zogtastic love the Barb rating - we have a similar strategy - we play MIL Bingo - we have certain phrases and behaviors identified and see how long it is before we get "bingo" to which we have a made up word "banana" - I think Bingo is more about light relief and coping - Barb Rating sounds more constructive for long term self management

@LadyBrienne - love it! MIL Bingo. There is something about making it into a game that helps it feel less personal & therefore less painful. I shall be borrowing this and playing it with DH!

Anyone else thinking of Ross in Friends shouting "Fine by me!"?

See Op,, I wouldn’t have sent that text, she will just use it as a tool for further emotional manipulation.
From now on, I would just go LC with her, she’s taking up far too much room in your head.
Here’s betting that as soon as you reduce contact , she will suddenly find time for her grandchild

I'd leave it now and be grateful they're not coming.

Your daughter won't know and you'll probably have a better time in their absence.

When we asked my MIL if she'd like to come to our son's (her first Grandchild's) frist birthday party she said, and I quote, "Absolutely not! I can't imagine anything worse!" - Not a fan of kid's parties, I take it!!

"Anyway I have sent her a long message. I know I should play it cool etc but I havent ever really told her how I feel about all these dramas, so it was more for me to get it off my chest. It just said that we have had a really tough year, made even tougher by the fact our special moments have been treated as inconveniences to them, and I am very disappointed for DP that they havent been more supportive of him."

"That's it now though. No more invites, low contact and I will be leaving all future contact to DP."

I think that sounds absolutely fine. Yes she will make a drama out of it, but you have now disengaged and your DP can too if he wants. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her - and you have now chosen disengagement. Which is a very good choice.

She'll probably try to suck you back in (she luffs the drama!) but just stay LC and disengaged. You've had a lot on your plate and you've handled it better than I would have. Enjoy your party with the people who matter - your DP and your DD.

Take a lovely group photo and put it on Facebook.
"It's so lovely for dd to be able to look back on these special moments in her life, a fantastic day with dds special people"
That'll piss her right off as all her friends will think she was there

No more photos sent, no more presents bought, no more planning a trip round, no texts answered.
Leave it all to df, and I bet he cba