MIL not coming to DD 1st birthday party

[Wolfgirrl]

So after creating drama around my daughter's birth, her christening, and our wedding date, MIL has now decided to be awkward about my daughter's 1st birthday party.

MiL has 2 sons, one being my fiance. Other lives at the opposite end of the UK with SiL and their 2 kids.

It is DD's 1st birthday in a few weeks, we have said for a while we will be having a family party for her. It has been a really rough year for us, I was very unwell and had to spend time in a mother and baby unit (severe postnatal OCD) then once I got home COVID hit and we have been cooped up ever since. I know DD wont know it is her birthday but it is also about us creating some nice memories and celebrating getting through the year (even if it is an outdoor distanced picnic).

PIL initially said they would come. Now the date is drawing closer, theyve backtracked and stopped responding to texts asking them if they can make it, etc. DP phoned a few days ago and MIL said they wanted to see BIL and his family that weekend so waiting to see if lockdown permits it. If not presumably we are second choice. She said DD is only 1 so won't know.

AIBU to think that isnt the fucking point? BIL's wife is a SAHM and the kids are off until September so they can choose any weekend, or weekdays if they want. Apparently BIL invited them up which doesnt surprise me, I have long suspected he resents the fact he isnt the only one with children now so we can't work around him any more.

Just so pissed off. We can never just arrange something and have them reply 'Lovely, we will be there.' It feels like a power struggle that we should always be the ones to work around them. Am I right to be annoyed?

I was expecting this to be a thread about mil using covid as an excuse. Travelling to bil is another ball game.

I’d be hurt (and pi...d off) as well.

Don’t mention it again. Don’t be sucked into their power games.

She can do as she likes - just live your life and stop making rules and issues where there don't need to be any ffs.
Wish my MIL would decline an invite now and then!

They sound awful

Which begs the question, why on earth do you want them there?

"I'm wondering if you've got a SIL issue rather than a MIL one, as it always seems that if your PIL can't make something it's because BIL and SIL have suggested doing something."

It's never just a SIL issue. I have a problem SIL but PILs are also part of the problem because they give in to her. And it's their flawed parenting that created the problem SIL in the first place!

If they are such a pain in the arse why aren't you glad they aren't coming? Sounds like a blessing to me. I never get these posts, why do you want them there? Just have a great day and stop caring about them.

Uninvite them. "Totally understand you can't commit, but as we need to confirm numbers now to prepare the cake/food/arrangements, we'll count you out. [made up friends] have been asking for ages to see us, so it's a nice to do that. We'll see you another time. I'll let you know when it's convenient [when hell freezes over]. Done.

I'd do this too.

From the sound of things, you should be thrilled they aren’t coming. Just think, a lovely birthday celebration without them spoiling things.

In future, I would give them an invite and if they say no accept it and enjoy whatever you are doing without them; it’s guaranteed to be more enjoyable.

I can really empathise with this. When my son was born, my MIL and FIL didn’t come to see him the day they’d arranged with us because they’d said they’d babysit for BIL. They told us they would be there the next day so my husband went out and bought loads of snack bits from M&S. They made such a big fuss about “finally having a grandson” 😒 so we thought it was special. Unlike when our daughter “oh, another granddaughter” was born.
Apparently, when BIL found out my son had been born he rang his mum to say “don’t forget you’ve got X tomorrow. You can’t go and see him”
My husband was crushed but it really showed us how important my husband and children are to them and where they come in the pecking order.
Now, I include them in celebrations but I don’t make a huge effort.

I can't imagine why you would even want them there? They'd only create more drama and bother. I wouldn't want to risk ruining the celebration by having them there. They've made their choice, and as upsetting as it is, you can't make them want to change their minds. Stop trying to please them as it really does just reinforce their power in the games they are playing. They really are the ones missing out. You, your husband and certainly your daughter aren't.

You néed to stop caring so much. Invite them to things...their choice if they attend... Their choice if they don't....
Have a nice day without them...

I don’t get it. If they’ve always been difficult, surely you just sign with relief & look forward to a lovely birthday party free of drama.

My ILs are fine, but I wouldn’t give a shit if they decided not to come to my kids party.

I'm sure DP was hurt but honestly, I would absolutely go ahead on that date come hell or high water, and I wouldn't check with them again.

If you're up to it, send the "Ok, we'll invite Jane and Bob then since they've been asking to come see us and that will take us to full capacity. Enjoy your weekend with Cunt In Law".

And if they sent a message saying they can make it after all, I'd ignore it. If they turned up I wouldn't ignore them but I wouldn't respond to any messages about it.

You're probably right about it being a power struggle/in-law jealousy thing, but that's why you need to set your boundaries now.

To be honest if I was you I'd be delighted they weren't coming

@FelicityPike

Two words.....fuck them!

saves me typing it!

Don't bother with them again.
All contact with them, going forwards, is up to your DP. ALL.
Including cards and gifts for Birthdays and Christmas.

His family, not yours.

Leave them to it.

It does sound like a power play. Don't play!

I'd back away if I was you, keep doing your own thing, if they want to join in then fine, just don't let them change the agenda.

Accept they dont really want to come to a party 8n covud times.
But it might not be that they are prioritising BiL, they just might not want to be at what sounds like it could be a larger gathering than is currently suggested - I believe from 4 July it is still 6 people/2 households max. The BiL trip might be a way to not join a number of household mixing.
Give them one more chance when covid isnt factor before you write them off.

Well, their loss. And very definitely your gain.

Assuming they are not asking you to move the birthday celebration date, that is?

Just carry on with your arrangements, and assume they won't be there. Their loss. Stop chasing them for a response - if they want to come, they will let you know. Your lovely daughter won't remember, or be upset, if they aren't there.

Just enjoy your daughter’s special day without mil. She’s shown she’s not bothered so stop inviting her. She’s your DH’s problem, not yours.

Turn it on its head and see it as a bonus!

You'll enjoy it more without them. Go ahead with the picnic, have a lovely time.
Don't even ask them again.

Enjoy the day you planned, if anyone Asia’s where she is, don’t cover for her, just say MIL chose to go and see BIL instead. I’d be PA and post a family distanced photo on Facebook of everyone who was there 😂

*asks, if she’s in Asia then fair enough she can’t make it!

My mil is the same i always invite them but stopped getting upset about if they turn up years ago. Its her problem not yours. Enjoy your day and dont let her spoil it xx

Presumably you’re doing this on the weekend closest to DD’s birthday? Totally unreasonable of them not to have thought ‘oh it’s DGD’s first birthday around then, we should probably keep it free’ IMO.