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Original poster

MIL not coming to DD 1st birthday party

118 replies

Wolfgirrl · 03/07/2020 17:56

So after creating drama around my daughter's birth, her christening, and our wedding date, MIL has now decided to be awkward about my daughter's 1st birthday party.

MiL has 2 sons, one being my fiance. Other lives at the opposite end of the UK with SiL and their 2 kids.

It is DD's 1st birthday in a few weeks, we have said for a while we will be having a family party for her. It has been a really rough year for us, I was very unwell and had to spend time in a mother and baby unit (severe postnatal OCD) then once I got home COVID hit and we have been cooped up ever since. I know DD wont know it is her birthday but it is also about us creating some nice memories and celebrating getting through the year (even if it is an outdoor distanced picnic).

PIL initially said they would come. Now the date is drawing closer, theyve backtracked and stopped responding to texts asking them if they can make it, etc. DP phoned a few days ago and MIL said they wanted to see BIL and his family that weekend so waiting to see if lockdown permits it. If not presumably we are second choice. She said DD is only 1 so won't know.

AIBU to think that isnt the fucking point? BIL's wife is a SAHM and the kids are off until September so they can choose any weekend, or weekdays if they want. Apparently BIL invited them up which doesnt surprise me, I have long suspected he resents the fact he isnt the only one with children now so we can't work around him any more.

Just so pissed off. We can never just arrange something and have them reply 'Lovely, we will be there.' It feels like a power struggle that we should always be the ones to work around them. Am I right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Spied · 03/07/2020 19:21

I'd not be working around them and tbh next time they wanted to come round I'd be busy visiting my friends or own family with DD that day.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/07/2020 19:22

Your other sil will grow to hate her too in time. People like this aren’t as popular as they like to think.

Zogtastic · 03/07/2020 19:23

I have so been there with the “pick me sometimes too” dance... with bells on...except it was my parents rather than in-laws. My sibling isn’t always that bothered about our parents unless they get a whiff that I’m doing something with them then it’s “competition time” and my parents then fawn over all they do! Something I read recently said it’s believed to be quite common for people who are damaged to some extent themselves to spend 80- 90% of their focus and attention of those that are harder work in their lives and pay little attention to those who are always reliable and helpful etc etc. I guess it’s a self esteem issue when it’s boiled down, if they don’t subconsciously value themselves then they work harder to get attention from the person who tests them more. It’s their problem not yours and not your other half’s either. It really isn’t. You’re not responsible for their damage. All you can do is recognise it and minimise its impact on you, the fact you’ve accepted it in the past means you’ve got your own self-esteem issues to support and crack on and do that in whatever way works best.

My moment of utter clarity that my efforts were not valued and in fact not even notice was when when one of my parent’s sadly passed away and it was my other parent’s first birthday afterwards. It was a birthday that finished in a zero number so plans were made for a family & friends get-together for the nearest weekend. My sibling lives closer and my parent’s birthday fell on the day of the week that they usually go to my sibling’s house for a weekly visit. However, my sibling told them they couldn’t see them that week because they had plans with friends so would see our parent at the weekend for the party. All fine. I felt concerned it might be a bit lonely for my parent so recently widowed to spend their birthday on their own so I dashed around and put myself and my DH out (summer hols - so DH had to make a special request to have additional holiday on top of our 2 week holiday already booked, as work place norm is that everyone doesn’t take more than 2 weeks in summer hols so everyone gets holiday time then if they want it) so we could go down to be there for the actual birthday and then stay on for the party. All lovely - plans made for the actual birthday. Sibling gets sniff of this & competition rears its head ...suddenly they and their friends can all come and join us for the actual birthday too! I did a bit of an eye roll to my DH but all good and lovely for our parent so great plan. All goes swimmingly. The next year to accommodate colleagues at his work, my DH says the best holiday dates for us to take would be over my parent’s birthday. I worried that would leave my parent sad so, before we make holiday plans, I speak to my parent about what they felt about this next birthday coming up. Cue them waxing lyrical about how my sibling and their friends made our parent’s actual birthday last year so fantastic. I replied to something they said that made it clear I’d been there...and my parent said “oh were you there? I didn’t remember you being there!”. Well, if that didn’t confirm to me then that, not only were my “twist myself in knots to please them” efforts unappreciated they weren’t even ducking noticed, nothing was ever going to! So we cracked on and went on holiday and ignored all the “woe is me” I’m on my own for my birthdays that followed, as of course my sibling “needed” to be away on holiday too!

Sorry for the essay...it still stings!

ProfYaffle · 03/07/2020 19:23

We have similarish issues with PIL preferring BIL and his dc. We're 16 years down the line now, my only regret is that I didn't accept it and distance myself earlier.

Totally agree with all the advice so far, especially this;

"Uninvite them. "Totally understand you can't commit, but as we need to confirm numbers now to prepare the cake/food/arrangements, we'll count you out. [made up friends] have been asking for ages to see us, so it's a nice to do that. We'll see you another time. I'll let you know when it's convenient [when hell freezes over]. Done."

StoneCold316 · 03/07/2020 19:29

Don’t force them to come. Your dd doesn’t need grandparentS who have to be forced to see her! Your bil is obviously their first priority so let them get on with it.

You enjoy the day with your dd, make it extra special and take lots of pictures. I don’t remember my first birthday but I love looking at all the pictures my dad took and you can really see how much effort my parents put in. Your dd will appreciate it when she’s older.

Also agree with the poster who said to uninvite them. Best solution all around

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/07/2020 19:30

Just be glad they don't want to come. Surely you don't want to see them anyway? I would invest your energy into your local friends with babies a similar age - that way you DD won't miss out

bonjonbovi · 03/07/2020 19:35

I’d have to go back with a shitty text. “Forget about it MIL - I’m not having DD being anyone’s second best or backup plan”.

KnobblyWand · 03/07/2020 19:38

You need to stop trying. If they want to see their grandchild, they will. If not? Their loss.

ComeBy · 03/07/2020 19:48

YANBU.
But.
Stop rising to it.
It is their loss.
And sad for your DP.
But just smile and nod and say ‘ok, fine’.
They won’t like being expendable Smile

ArnoJambonsBike · 03/07/2020 19:54

@RedCatBlueCat - read some of OPs threads and you'll see why your suggestion isn't a good idea.

Worstemailever · 03/07/2020 19:55

Will your own mum be attending? If so, just send mil loads of happy photos of your DD surrounded by your family and friends. Show her what she missed out on and then don't go out of your way in the future! A baby's first b'day is a huge issue, imo, and I would expect family to attend. It's not about the baby remembering it. It's about the parents and family celebrating this wonderful baby in their midst.

diddl · 03/07/2020 19:56

Do you actually want them there?

If not, you've been gracious & invited them but they won't be there, win win!

But they shouldn't be pissing about with yes/no/maybe.

So count them out & don't think about them any more!

Worstemailever · 03/07/2020 20:02

Are you getting the help and support that you need now?

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 03/07/2020 20:03

Thanks everyone.

I guess the reason I 'try so hard' with her is because she is DD's only grandma. I have always tried to put my feelings to one side and make it work for DD but after a year of our most special moments being painted as nothing but an inconvenience to them, I've had enough.

As for SiL, I don't think she is jealous. In fact she has had her own problems with MiL and her domineering ways over the years, and even warned me about it when I was pregnant. It is more BiL that I blame, he is a spoilt man child who has always been the favourite child. DP was 43 when DD was born so I think BiL thought he would be the only one with kids etc.

DP rang MiL tongiht and got a total earful, apparently we are upsetting her (?!) all the time by not arranging things around her and she has been sat at home crying to her friends, etc.

And to PP, yes this is the same MiL who said she couldn't attend our wedding because she had a weekend away in mind (not paid for, and something she does every year with a friend she sees several times a week 🤷‍♀️) and the same SiL who said she couldn't come to our wedding because they had that date in mind for a holiday (again, nothing booked). Lol!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 03/07/2020 20:04

I’d just not tell them about any more birthdays/celebrations ever again. Stop trying to be nice, they’re not nice to you.

Reader1984 · 03/07/2020 20:06

Have a lovely birthday with your DD making special lifetime memories. If she comes ok, if not.. then ok!

LadyBrienne · 03/07/2020 20:07

@Wolfgirrl I've been around the traps and am in a reflective mood - so here's my advice ...

this is only the first birthday - there are going to be 2nd, 3rd, 10th, 16th, 18th birthdays, school plays, ceremonies, performances, anniversaries etc etc - this is just one of the first times this will be an issue in the family (and there will likely be other issues also around presents, money, vacations, gifts etc) ....

you need to PLAY THE LONG GAME - and by that, I mean keep your eye on the prize of having a happy family with your fiancé and baby and those family and friends who choose to share your life with you - and not get distracted and distraught by other peoples choices over which you have no control

all you can do is be the best version of yourself ... kindly invite your PIL, and then get on with it ... don't beg, don't react negatively, and just get on with it and have a great time with the people who choose to be there with you ... if then be completely normal with them afterwards, and treat them exactly the same ... don't rise to the drama, don't buy into it, don't build it, don't stoke it ....

play the long game, be the best version of yourself, and don't buy into the drama

life is hard enough without letting others make it harder for you - choose not to engage in the drama

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 20:08

"I guess the reason I 'try so hard' with her is because she is DD's only grandma."

I'm sorry you don't have your mum Flowers
I can definitely take or leave MIL because she is such a nightmare and because my own mum (while flawed) is around and is a lovely grandmother. I can imagine that if she wasn't around, the fact the MIL is so awful would be even more painful.

Grandparents are lovely to have but all your DD really needs is people who love her, whoever they are - whether relatives or not. I'm sure you will make her birthday special with the people who matter.

BeanbagMcTavish · 03/07/2020 20:09

Stop inviting them to anything.

If they want to see your DD then they can make the effort.

If it was me, I'd organise lots of nice social events with people who are more worthwhile, and put photos on social media. And if the PIL did start making an effort and inviting me to things, then I'd arse them about and cancel at the last minute most of the time. But then I'm petty like that.

LadyBrienne · 03/07/2020 20:11

@Wolfgirrl I just read your update (must have posted as I was writing my post) - and it only reinforces my advice - you will not change her and this will continue to be an issue

set the date, invite them, and ignore the dramatic manipulative response - "oh you can't come? oh that's a pity - hopefully you can make it next time"

and carry on regardless - the more you engage in her dramatics, the more you reinforce that her behavior has power and she can manipulate you - don't reinforce it, ignore it

diddl · 03/07/2020 20:18

"I guess the reason I 'try so hard' with her is because she is DD's only grandma."

Ah that's shit, I know the feeling.

Decision for me was not to force a relationship with a disinterested GM.

Is your dad still around?

Mine Dad is as special to my two as mum was to my niece.

BirdieDance · 03/07/2020 20:19

I've got this particular t shirt op and I empathise. Over the years I've played it one of two ways- a) just don't ask or b) ask and then be amused at the excuses they gather together about why they can't. The thing that irritates me though is that we hear all the time about how much they miss our children (their only grandchildren) and how they wish they could be there. On one notable occasion they were staying in a B and B 5 minutes away from our house (they live a long way away). Our children were due to attend a Halloween party that had been planned long in advance. They were very welcome to come to the party or to our house to see our children dressed up but chose instead to go out for dinner alone. When I posted photos on social media of their costumes the comment "wish we could have seen them in their costumes" was posted by them. Bonkers!

BirdieDance · 03/07/2020 20:20

I've got this particular t shirt op and I empathise. Over the years I've played it one of two ways- a) just don't ask or b) ask and then be amused at the excuses they gather together about why they can't. The thing that irritates me though is that we hear all the time about how much they miss our children (their only grandchildren) and how they wish they could be there. On one notable occasion they were staying in a B and B 5 minutes away from our house (they live a long way away). Our children were due to attend a Halloween party that had been planned long in advance. They were very welcome to come to the party or to our house to see our children dressed up but chose instead to go out for dinner alone. When I posted photos on social media of their costumes the comment "wish we could have seen them in their costumes" was posted by them. Bonkers!

mumwon · 03/07/2020 20:20

you can choose friends - you can get stuck with some relatives
I bet if she had come she would have ruined the day
If allowed (don't you love Covid) invite some close friends or just enjoy it as a little family
Keep her at a mental distance (ridicule her in your mind)

PrayingandHoping · 03/07/2020 20:30

Your DH needs to have it out with her. Tell her to stop prioritising everyone else other than him. That she had nothing else planned when u planned the party, it meant a lot to you for them to come, and as usual he is the bottom of the pile. He tells her how much she hurts him

It will cause a family drink but laying your cards out is the best way. If she then doesn't change then u know where u stand and you don't bother with her anymore and she can't be bothered with u

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