MIL not coming to DD 1st birthday party

[Wolfgirrl]

So after creating drama around my daughter's birth, her christening, and our wedding date, MIL has now decided to be awkward about my daughter's 1st birthday party.

MiL has 2 sons, one being my fiance. Other lives at the opposite end of the UK with SiL and their 2 kids.

It is DD's 1st birthday in a few weeks, we have said for a while we will be having a family party for her. It has been a really rough year for us, I was very unwell and had to spend time in a mother and baby unit (severe postnatal OCD) then once I got home COVID hit and we have been cooped up ever since. I know DD wont know it is her birthday but it is also about us creating some nice memories and celebrating getting through the year (even if it is an outdoor distanced picnic).

PIL initially said they would come. Now the date is drawing closer, theyve backtracked and stopped responding to texts asking them if they can make it, etc. DP phoned a few days ago and MIL said they wanted to see BIL and his family that weekend so waiting to see if lockdown permits it. If not presumably we are second choice. She said DD is only 1 so won't know.

AIBU to think that isnt the fucking point? BIL's wife is a SAHM and the kids are off until September so they can choose any weekend, or weekdays if they want. Apparently BIL invited them up which doesnt surprise me, I have long suspected he resents the fact he isnt the only one with children now so we can't work around him any more.

Just so pissed off. We can never just arrange something and have them reply 'Lovely, we will be there.' It feels like a power struggle that we should always be the ones to work around them. Am I right to be annoyed?

He really doesn't.

"Your DH needs to have it out with her. Tell her to stop prioritising everyone else other than him."

Oh good grief no!

Let her see that it bothers him & beg for scraps?

@Wolfgirrl but what is she actually complaining about? That you won't change the party date?

What has your DP said about this? What did he say to her when she was crying?

He's going to have to learn, as much as you will, that she won't change. She clearly gets off on stomping over your important dates. You can't change her, you can only change how you react to her.

A firm "This is the date, this is the time. Lovely if you can make it. If not that's too bad."

But it needs to come from both of you. Why does he keep phoning her about it??

There is more to it than this.

Sil and Mil both didn’t come to the wedding?

They really don’t like you. That’s a hard truth to hear but there it is.

Just leave them to it.

DP rang MiL tongiht and got a total earful, apparently we are upsetting her (?!) all the time by not arranging things around her and she has been sat at home crying to her friends, etc.

And manipulative to boot!

@Atalune wedding hasn't happened yet. Was going to be in the autumn but postponed until next year due to covid. When we set out original date, those were the excuses they used for us to change it to a better one for them. We didn't though and eventually they both said they would come. But there was a big hoo-ha over it.

Honestly, they don’t want to know.

So don’t know them. Just be civil and detached.

She sounds narcissistic and manipulative. Don't arrange anythng around her, invite her or don't invite her, and ignore her histrionics.

She is being ridiculous and attention seeking by making everything about her.

I would just assume she isn't coming and make arrangements for a lovely day for your daughter's birthday.

How does your partner feel about his mum making you and your daughter last on her list of priorities?

Going forward, I would just not consider including her in anything. Maybe invite her, but tell her that dates are not negotiable and she either comes on that date or not at all.

Honestly you really need to let it go, so you can focus on having a great day for DD with those who will make the effort.

In future I’d give them exactly as much consideration as they’re giving you, in terms of being available/ rallying round/ celebrating special occasions etc.

Have a great 1st birthday for your wee one.

In all honesty, it's a 1st bday party.

How many phone calls does it need to her about it??

She's told when it is & invited, she says yes or no!

She is very emotionally manipulative. This is my swan song on MN but when DD was 6 weeks old it was MiL's birthday. They asked us to spend a quiet night in with them, said we could just chill etc as we were in the thick of sleepless nights. Turns out she had invited all her friends round to see the baby, and didnt get why I didnt want to pass DD around a group of tipsy people I had never met before. So I took DD to an upstairs bedroom and stayed there. The next day she was crying and saying I had ruined her birthday etc.

Anyway I have sent her a long message. I know I should play it cool etc but I havent ever really told her how I feel about all these dramas, so it was more for me to get it off my chest. It just said that we have had a really tough year, made even tougher by the fact our special moments have been treated as inconveniences to them, and I am very disappointed for DP that they havent been more supportive of him.

That's it now though. No more invites, low contact and I will be leaving all future contact to DP.

What @LadyBrienne said with bells on.
Play the long game. Don't engage in any drama or power play. They can't come? Absolutely fine, see you when we see you. They can? Lovely looking forward to it. Rinse and repeat. Drama = no attention.

Glad you got it off your chest OP but honestly not engaging with their BS will get you through this. If you get used to it, satisfying for you too as it sinks to them in that no drama happens when they announce they can't come expecting a big hoo-haa but get a breezey 'no probs! thanks for letting us know we'll see you soon'!

Does your DH know you've sent that message?

Try to reframe this in your mind as a declaration of independence. That means that any manipulation can’t work because you no longer give her any headroom in your plans or expectations. She can only control while you give her power.

There’s a vision of what she could be as an idealised mother to your dp or grandparent to your dc. Neither exist in reality as she does not seem able to fulfill this picture.

So, step back as you intend to do. Do not try to fix everything/anything. Get on with a lovely life with your immediate family and learn to have low expectations of your mil. Make plans that suit you, inform them in a breezy fashion and they can join in or not. For your own well being, it’s time to step away from this ‘pick me’ dance. To be honest, her self-imposed low contact sounds like it might turn out to be quite a blessing.

Sounds like you are better off without her there OP. If she is the sort to create drama you don't really want the possibility of her ruining the day. Sounds like you've had a really tough year, well done on getting through it and enjoy the well earned celebration with your precious DD

And mentally prepare yourself for more attempts at drama around your wedding day.

I have a Mum who does things like that, didn't come to my sons graduation or his 16th birthday dinner because Sunday was a good night at bingo!! didn't come to his 18th either. Cant come because of this or that but never fails to attend any other family event or celebrations.
Don't stress over it just expect and prepare for the nonsense and brush it off. The less your daughter has to see or gets to know your MIL the better I think...
Enjoy your little one`s first birthday.

Don't worry about your dd's lack of a grandmother. I only had one grandmother and she made it very clear that she didn't like me. I would have been better off with none.

I've said YABU, but in solidarity because YABU to care about people who don't care about you. Screw them. Have an awesome party without them, it'll probably be a happier occasion.

Tbh she sounds like a dick so I'd be delighted they cant make it! Now there is no precedent to be obliged to include them in everything going forward.
They're playing a game. I wonder if you back off if they'll suddenly decide to come...

It’s so difficult when your child only has once chance at a grandmother, extended family. I think that’s a bit of a false choice though. Really, the decision is: toxic extended family or non toxic small family.

Good to hear you got it off your chest. Ignore all responses and stay strong with your DH. Life is too short for these people to ruin it.

Sorry wrong thread

*"I guess the reason I 'try so hard' with her is because she is DD's only grandma."
*
Ah this is shit. My MIL's main function in my life is to make me miss my own mum even more. I'm so sad for my kids that this miserable old cow is the only grandmother they'll ever know, but a wise friend once pointed out to me that the kids don't feel this absence or pain. You can't miss what you never had. Your DD has two loving parents and that's all she needs. You just need to focus on your immediate family and be grateful that you have it. Don't waste your energy on PILs.

I feel for you OP, it's not easy.