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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my lodger to let me know when she will be away?

80 replies

Doryhunky · 03/07/2020 07:06

New lodger moved in. A few days later she didn’t come home. I know I am not her mother but after a few days I started to worry a bit in case something happened to her. So I texted her and she said no worries she would be back that day. She came back and then went away again!
Of course she can go where she likes (although I am not clear on current Covid guidelines) but I would just appreciate a heads up if she is going to be away so I can (a) lock up properly and (b) know not to worry. Aibu? And if not, how best to address it with her.

OP posts:
MaggieAndHopey · 03/07/2020 07:08

I've never been a lodger or a landlord so I don't know what the etiquette is, but doesn't she have a key?

BillywilliamV · 03/07/2020 07:08

Give her a key and lock up regardless, she's a grown up so she can do what she likes.
This would annoy me if I was your lodger, its really not your business.

user1493413286 · 03/07/2020 07:10

I can understand it but I don’t think you can really; it’d put me off living somewhere if I felt I had to tell someone when I wasn’t going to be home especially if I decided randomly to stay out and then felt I had to let the person know.

MiniCooperLover · 03/07/2020 07:11

Why can't you 'lock up properly' anyway? Doesn't she have a key?

Longwhiskers14 · 03/07/2020 07:12

I think in normal circumstances you have to accept she will come and go however she pleases – you are not her keeper. However, at the moment I think it's fair to have a conversation saying you are concerned about Covid-19 and if she's staying in other households is she doing it safely (ie. only mixing with one other household at a time, or only five other people outside). I don't think you can ask that she tells you when she's not going to be at home though, it seems intrusive.

toomuchpeppapig · 03/07/2020 07:13

What do you mean by "lock up properly"?

Fatted · 03/07/2020 07:14

What do you mean lock up properly? Does she not have a key? Or do you mean lock bolts up, put the chain on etc at night?

I don't think you can expect her to tell you if she's not going to be home. What would probably work best is setting a time to lock up by and notify her of this. Eg 'I will be locking up for the night every night at 11pm'.

Smashtastic · 03/07/2020 07:14

Surely it's just polite. A quick text would be all it takes. OP isn't asking her to account for every moment of her time, just to let her know if she isn't coming back overnight.

Your house your rules op. She is a lodger not a housemate.

BonestoBones · 03/07/2020 07:16

I was quite friendly with my lodger and he would just tell me if he was going to be away for a few days and I the same. However, I'm not sure you could ask her to let you know. Seems a bit odd to me that she didn't mention it unless you both don't really talk/get on?

Original poster
Doryhunky · 03/07/2020 07:19

Ok fair enough. We have had issues in our street where burglars have forced their way in through the front door at night while people asleep upstairs. So I would normally put the chain on. I can double lock the front door and leave the keys on the hall but it’s less ideal in case of a fire. I was also worried in case something happened to her.
I will stop worrying about it. I am a bit surprised that people wouldn’t let the people they live with if they are going to be away. I would let her know if we were going to be away.

OP posts:
greytminds · 03/07/2020 07:19

I’d say that it’s good manners to indicate if you’ll be away. I rented a mon- fri room for a year and I’d always just send a text message to the landlady if my plans were different. I knew that if it were the other way round, I’d want to know. She didn’t ask me to but it felt like the right thing to do.

goatley · 03/07/2020 07:20

I'd say it's common courtesy or your lodger to let you know if she's going to be away.

Its not as if it's difficult for her to send a text just to keep you informed.

Original poster
Doryhunky · 03/07/2020 07:21

Also I would leave the hall light on but won’t if she isn’t coming back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doryhunky · 03/07/2020 07:22

She doesn’t have any family in this country and so I was just thinking if the worst happened, the police might say ‘did it not occur to you to wonder where she was?’

OP posts:
Original poster
Doryhunky · 03/07/2020 07:23

I hardly know her as she has just moved in!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 03/07/2020 07:25

Tbh from a safety point it’d be better if she/he just text not home

I agree it’s none of your business what’s they are doing, but to know how many are sleeping in the home it’s just courtesy. This isn’t a house share and there are subtle differences

Or perhaps it’s not the correct lodger for you

Original poster
Doryhunky · 03/07/2020 07:28

I don’t care what she is doing at all. It really is all about safety. But ultimately it is her safety. And yes, this is a family home not a flat share and so there are differences.

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 03/07/2020 07:32

I have a lodger, and I have been a lodger. If I was lodging somewhere and the home owner insisted on knowing when I was going out for the night I’d feel quite encroached upon.
I would also never expect my lodger to tell me his comings and goings and would fully expect to be told to naff off if I asked!

TartanTuesday · 03/07/2020 07:37

I've had lodgers for years and would never ever expect them to tell me when they're away. I never tell them if I'm out overnight or a few days away. It's none of their business.

I do understand the chain problem though, but you'll either have to get another door/lock as you can't ask when they're going to be home so you can lock up properly. You're not their mum :)

Treacletoots · 03/07/2020 07:43

It's interesting, if this were a tenant/landlord situation you could reasonably ask your tenant to advise you of they planned to leave the property for longer than 2 weeks because it would possibly invalidate your insurance.

Lodgers however are a different world... In your circumstances I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask your lodger to let you know if they're not going to be in that night so you can lock up properly. If they're not prepared to do this then maybe they aren't the right lodger. Just have a chat and see where you get with them.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 03/07/2020 07:48

I appreciate that the lodger situation is different to being a formal tenant, it it’s not really reasonable to want to “lock up” when you have someone else living with you. They shouldn’t be made to feel they have to be home by a certain time or make special arrangements if they want to be out “after hours”. Maybe change your security arrangements so that they aren’t dependant on everyone being in?

Magicbabywaves · 03/07/2020 07:50

Difficult as I understand you want to double lock the front door (we do the same here). But obviously you can’t ask people their coming and goings to that extent. I suppose your options are to accept the door might be left not double locked some nights or consider finding a new lodger who is regular in their hours.

Magicbabywaves · 03/07/2020 07:51

Or get a new front door with better locks/a nest camera.

heartsonacake · 03/07/2020 07:56

YABU. It’s none of your business when they’re going away or for how long. You’re just a random stranger they share a house with and by wanting to know you’re encroaching on their privacy.

GingerCalico · 03/07/2020 07:58

Do you have a back door? Do you chain lock both when you lock up at night? If you dont - Give her both keys and explain that if she finds the front door chain locked that she can use the back door

Going to have to agree with others on the privacy thing, it really is her right to come and go as she pleases, its sweet that you are worried, but remember this is a financial business relationship and she likely would move out if she thought she had to report to you all the time. If these things bother you, having a lodger may not be the right thing for you. Instead, if you go on holiday often, you could try AirBnB to rent out your entire property for a fixed length contract of a week or so :)