To ask my lodger to let me know when she will be away?

[Doryhunky]

New lodger moved in. A few days later she didn’t come home. I know I am not her mother but after a few days I started to worry a bit in case something happened to her. So I texted her and she said no worries she would be back that day. She came back and then went away again!
Of course she can go where she likes (although I am not clear on current Covid guidelines) but I would just appreciate a heads up if she is going to be away so I can (a) lock up properly and (b) know not to worry. Aibu? And if not, how best to address it with her.

I disagree with anyone thinking you can share a home with another person and effectively totally ignore them.

There is a huge difference between living alone, and living in a shared space with another human being. It is considerate to communicate with that person.

The presence or absence of the OP's lodger has no impact on the burglaries

Not true. In sharing a home, OP is necessarily having to place trust in the lodger to undertake the necessary steps for both their security.

Eg if lodger goes out at 11pm and fails to lock the dead bolt, OP is left vulnerable.

They are not like two single separate households, as their actions can directly affect each other. Therefore a greater level of consideration is required.

Unless you are an arsehole. Why are you so bothered by mentioning to anyone that you are away for a week?

OP - she sounds like an immature and inconsiderate lodger. I would honestly ask her to move on, you will have no trouble finding someone sensible who is a bit more considerate.

There is a huge difference between living alone, and living in a shared space with another human being. It is considerate to communicate with that person.

Offer them 25 quid a week discount for the consideration.

Sirfredfredgeorge

Lodging is already generally cheaper than renting your own flat, for this reason. Because you have to tolerate these inconveniences of sharing with the homeowner.

A better lock is no replacement for a chain/door guard so YANBU to be worried a bit about that, anyone with experience in security will tell you that. She sounds a bit strange but there is nothing you can do about that. It's her home too and you absolutely cannot ask her to tell you when she's home or out. Not at all! I would kick off massively if my landlord would ask me to do that. Unfortunately this just comes with the territory when letting someone into your home.

I think it's basic manners to let someone know if you will be back or not!

Wouldnt you be locking up properly and she just comes and goes as she pleases?

I wouldn't like to explain where I'm going and when I'll be back.

Unless of course I was going away long term like a holiday or whatever

@heartsonacake

* Apologies, not entire, but part of their job.

Just to add my tuppence, it never harms to have more information because, you know, the police can't work from nothing!

Not to derail the thread and jump to the extreme but knowing little details like if she has a partner/favourite spot etc can really help with missing people and police enquiries.

OP, it doesn't hurt to get into a routine of her letting you know if she is going to be away on the basis of security/locking up properly etc.

If she is unwilling to let you know then is she the right lodger for you?

Personally, if I was a lodger, I wouldn't have a problem with a request like that and if I was to ever get a lodger I would probably expect the same as you.

YABU because you didn't lay that out as a condition of her renting before agreeing to let a room to her. Only reasonable thing you can now do is explain you made an assumption she would, and realise it may not suit her, and if so, agree a no fault notice period for her to find somewhere else.
You must lay out your individual expectations of any behaviors that will impinge on a lodgers independence as an adult, before taking their money for use of their room and facilities. It's unfair to do otherwise.

Lodging's a system to allow householders to make money from their property without being a full on landlord/lady, and allow (usually) single people a place to live cheaply in exchange for less security and privacy.
Very few adjustments required to start doing this as a householder, but the ability for the lodger to access the areas you are charging for independently and without communication, IS one that's required, unless it's by prior agreement.

You should already have basic information about who she is in the unlikely event the police ever needed to know.
Ideally you invest in your security systems so any lodger can quietly come and go independently, but if you aren't happy with that then write up your individual rules about exactly what communication you require and agree it prior to letting the room.

@AlltheRs

YABU because you didn't lay that out as a condition of her renting before agreeing to let a room to her. Only reasonable thing you can now do is explain you made an assumption she would, and realise it may not suit her, and if so, agree a no fault notice period for her to find somewhere else. You must lay out your individual expectations of any behaviors that will impinge on a lodgers independence as an adult, before taking their money for use of their room and facilities. It's unfair to do otherwise.

Lodging's a system to allow householders to make money from their property without being a full on landlord/lady, and allow (usually) single people a place to live cheaply in exchange for less security and privacy.
Very few adjustments required to start doing this as a householder, but the ability for the lodger to access the areas you are charging for independently and without communication, IS one that's required, unless it's by prior agreement.

You should already have basic information about who she is in the unlikely event the police ever needed to know.
Ideally you invest in your security systems so any lodger can quietly come and go independently, but if you aren't happy with that then write up your individual rules about exactly what communication you require and agree it prior to letting the room.

Perfect answer really!

Not true. In sharing a home, OP is necessarily having to place trust in the lodger to undertake the necessary steps for both their security.

Eg if lodger goes out at 11pm and fails to lock the dead bolt, OP is left vulnerable.

But that's not what the lodger has done, or what I've said she has done. The physical presence or absence of the lodger whether the lodger is tucked up asleep in her room or dancing on tables in Ibiza is not in itself relevant. It's relevant only insofar as a double lock can be used to make the house more secure once the landlady knows no one else needs to come in overnight. The OP needs to either sort out an alternative method of making the house safe, or be upfront (before moving in) about the fact that she needs to know by a certain time whether her lodger is coming home, while recognising that this may make her house unattractive to many.

In her shoes I would tell you if I had planned a holiday, but if I just went to my boyfriend's house and ended up staying a few days I probably wouldn't.

She may not know when she'll be back, so no point telling you.

Perhaps set some simple rules, e.g - "I bolt the front door every night at 10pm, if you will be coming back later than that please text me and I won't bolt it. If you're out and I don't hear from you I will assume you aren't returning and bolt it."

Good grief how many people who have commented on this thread have actually been or had lodgers??? The PPs who have commented that the landlord wanted to know their whereabouts left that lodging!

And it's polite and courteous? WTAF???

It's a business arrangement I am not their mum! I don't care where they are or what they are doing outside my home. No bloody way would I tell them I'm staying away overnight, I'm a 50 something year old woman, I don't have to tell anyone!!

Typical Mnet people jumping in when they have no idea what it's like in real life!

OP as another PP suggested, next time you advertise for a new lodger you inform them at the viewing that you need to know when they are in or out. Then the potential lodger can then make an informed choice wether they want to live with you.

I have a set of "rules" that I tell any potential lodgers about, if they don't like them they don't have to move in! It's my house and home and I need to feel safe and comfortable with who I live with.

My "rules" will probably be a lot different to yours. It's a learning experience having lodgers in your home and you must set the boundaries before they move in.

Eventually most lodgers become friends, I have one been here 18 months, and will prob mention they are going away for a couple of days. But that's up to them :)

Good luck, I'm sure you've got plenty to think about now.

i've had lodgers. I think perfectly reasonable to say 'if you're not coming back tonight can you pop me a text so that I can put the chain on the door' .

I would be concerned about where she's going during the (not really) lockdown though. Until tomorrow we're not supposed to go to other people's houses and bars etc still closed/

If you want to leave the light on in the hall, maybe look to get an outside light that’s activated by motion sensor, might also help if you have had burglaries in the area. Same goes for the locks, either upgrade your lock to something more secure or double lock it. If your only using a single lock and a chain, what happens if she forgot to put the chain on one evening? I think it’s good manners to say to someone ‘oh I’m away next week’ but I wouldn’t imagine it’s necessary to ask her to update you on what time she’s going to be back or if she’s staying out over night. Plans often change and she may feel obligated to come home every evening.

I don’t think their is any harm in saying to her do you have an emergenCy contact incase something happens to you. If she says don’t worry then you have your answer. Obviously make it clear your not contacting them unless it’s an emergency.

Tartantuesday

Been a lodger myself, yes. Always told the flat owner if I was going to be away unexpectedly. I just used to drop a text saying "won't be back tonight fyi". He did the same for me, it was just normal courtesy.

i've had lodgers. I think perfectly reasonable to say 'if you're not coming back tonight can you pop me a text so that I can put the chain on the door'

This. It's not about being the lodgers mum or judging or prying, it's about keeping the house secure. We have a chain on our door and a lock that we double lock in the inside before bed, which you then can't unlock from the outside. Therefore I need to know if everyone is in who is coming in.

It takes a moment to drop a text saying they won't be home.

Me and my lodger always do a ‘FYI I’ll be away Tues-Fri next week’, I assumed that was quite normal! We’ll sometimes do ‘had too much to drive home, see you tomorrow’, sometimes not.

I probably would feel a bit odd if she had specifically asked me to but it wouldn’t occur to me not to and obviously vice versa.

I think the going away for a few days is polite courtesy but it doesn't sound like that's the issue here - the OP wanted to know if it's reasonable to want to know any evening the lodger is out whether/when they'll be back so she can put the chain on the door. THAT is the bit that feels like a parent waiting up for you!

Covid aside, if you're a lodger and out at your boyfriend's or whatever, do you really want to be thinking you need to give advance notice to your landlord about whether you might stay out or not? And would you really like to think that if you had said you were staying out, you weren't allowed to change your mind because you'd be locked out of the building?

If there are independent adults living in a house you really can't rely on locking systems that can only be unlocked from the inside/leaving keys in locks etc. I say this as someone who was repeatedly locked out by a flatmate who wanted the 'extra security'; landlord eventually conceded to changing the door locks when we had to shoulder barge the door in to get into the house after a night out!

YABU, you're not her mother

Chain locks and double locks and crisis numbers...just too much. This would drive me crazy. Give her a key to the back door and put your chain on. Worst case she knocks on the door.

Have you considered one of those new style locks, on the inside of the door there is just a knob you turn, once to lock and twice to double lock?

It can still be easily unlocked from the outside with a key even when double locked, but is more secure and can be easily opened from the inside in the event of a fire? I had one installed for about £70 last year, they are brilliant and much safer.

And yes, this is a family home not a flat share and so there are differences.

You’re not family, you’re not friends - you are just housemates, if that. So yes, it’s a flat share set up. If you aren’t comfortable with a lodger doing normal lodger things then ask her to leave then either don’t rent out, or find someone that wants to follow your imposed rules.

Leaving the light on or not isn’t a big deal. You need to get better home security, as relying on the chain seems to be giving you a mental complex