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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my lodger to let me know when she will be away?

80 replies

Doryhunky · 03/07/2020 07:06

New lodger moved in. A few days later she didn’t come home. I know I am not her mother but after a few days I started to worry a bit in case something happened to her. So I texted her and she said no worries she would be back that day. She came back and then went away again!
Of course she can go where she likes (although I am not clear on current Covid guidelines) but I would just appreciate a heads up if she is going to be away so I can (a) lock up properly and (b) know not to worry. Aibu? And if not, how best to address it with her.

OP posts:
Heresto2020 · 03/07/2020 07:59

Yes I see your point OP. I don’t see why she can’t tell you “I’ll be back on Tuesday” but then maybe she isn’t a planner and I’d assume if she is away for days at a time it would be with a partner rather than a planned holiday.

okiedokieme · 03/07/2020 08:00

My lodger used to text me but she was young, my DD's age and a friend of a friend I was doing a favour for so she treated me more like a aunt almost

Threeflyingducks · 03/07/2020 08:22

Even with lodgers having less rights, you can't require her to have a curfew so you can lock up as you've described. I'm not sure a security chain would protect against burglary anyway - surely that's something you put on before you open the door, not something you need to leave on, as it wouldn't stop a door being forced?

For a deadlock on a door you should really have that changed to a thumbscrew so it can be opened from inside without leaving a key in it. It's not very safe in a fire otherwise. I understand you might not think it's worth the hassle but it's not ok to hold your lodger to account because you've got that sort of set up.

UnderTheSleepingBaby · 03/07/2020 08:45

While I see everyones point of view about her privacy, I don't see the issue with telling people you live with that you are away (I always would have in a house share). What if there is a fire and you don't know if she is there, do you let a firefighter risk their life for what turns out to be an empty room?

StrawberrySquash · 03/07/2020 08:55

I don't see the issue with a text, even if she doesn't know exact plans. Otherwise you have no idea at what point to start worrying. Also I like to know if you there's a prospect of having the place to myself.

Original poster
Doryhunky · 03/07/2020 08:57

Just to clarify about the locking up. It is not for any kind of curfew, just so I can double lock the front door or leave lights on for her.
Good point about fire.
I will look into the other kind of lock people have mentioned.
I was going to ask her to give me an ICE number but judging by the responses on here I won’t!

OP posts:
Lemons1571 · 03/07/2020 08:57

What if there is a fire and you don't know if she is there, do you let a firefighter risk their life for what turns out to be an empty room?

What about people who live in property on their own? Millions of them in the UK. If a fire broke out, neighbours wouldn’t know if they were in or not, so the fire service would have to go in anyway.

I completely disagree that a lodger has to “check in” with their landlady. Unless this was agreed on at the outset, and the lodger gets a rent reduction in exchange for the restriction. There is no way, when I was a lodger paying hundreds of pounds a month, that I would have agreed to let my landlady know if I was staying out of a night (which I did frequently). I might as well have lived with my mum and saved the money.

You need a better door lock where the lodger can come and go as she pleases, and pay rent to reflects this.

Or perhaps if it’s a family home, you need to understand that lodgers don’t pay to fit in with your lifestyle. They pay for the room to live their life in. You can’t have the extra income but also expect them to live your way.

Original poster
Doryhunky · 03/07/2020 08:57

I still think it strange. I would
Never go away for a few days and not mention it to the people I live with!

OP posts:
Worriedkat · 03/07/2020 09:00

ICE number? Start worrying? She’s a lodger!! An independent adult. It’s a financial agreement. I’m not sure you’re a born landlady to be honest.

heartsonacake · 03/07/2020 09:01

@Doryhunky

I still think it strange. I would Never go away for a few days and not mention it to the people I live with!
Usually the people you live with are friends and family. You are neither of those; just a total stranger so I don’t see why she needs to let you know.
Puckishly · 03/07/2020 09:05

But you're a total stranger, OP, not a friend or family member, or even someone in a longterm houseshare! I would find it deeply odd to be expected to inform someone in whose house I had just started to live of my movements, and to be honest, I'd be annoyed and feel intruded upon if I thought he or she was getting agitated about hall lights and double-locking if I didn't, and would wonder if this was a dynamic I wanted to live in.

Just sort out a better lock that will allow your lodger in at night, and stop leaving on the hall light?

Original poster
Doryhunky · 03/07/2020 09:08

Ok. All understood. If something happens to her I will leave it to the Police to track down her family.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/07/2020 09:09

I think it's fair enough that you want her to let you know if she'll be away for a few days. And is she remaining within the CV guidelines. It doesn't sound like it.

Puckishly · 03/07/2020 09:09

Why would 'something happen to her', OP? Are you really as much of a worrier as you sound on this thread?

Emeraldshamrock · 03/07/2020 09:11

I can understand why it is frustrating maybe mention it softly for security reasons. If you hear footsteps you don't it is the lodger & not a burglar.

AriadnesFilament · 03/07/2020 09:12

Don’t ask her to tell you anything.

Just say that if she isn’t back by x time then the chain goes on the front door and she won’t be able to get in unless she has informed you that she’ll be back.

Then it’s up to her what she does.

Hohohole · 03/07/2020 09:15

I'd worry too OP. I'd explain about how you like to lock up at night to your lodger. Or get a better lock.

my2bundles · 03/07/2020 09:18

I would look into a different locking system so you don't have to use chains etc. Some of my friends where lodgers at one point and worked shifts so where coming and going at all times of day and night, had emergencies in the middle of the night, changed plans last minute etc etc they would have been pretty peeved if their landlord demanded to keep track of their comings and goings.

Gottalovesummer · 03/07/2020 09:18

I once had a landlady who used to get cross with me if I stayed out and didn't let her know. I was an adult and paid my rent on time etc.

I didn't think it was any of her business.

I moved out.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/07/2020 09:22

I get it OP.

I would always inform the people I live with if I'm going away.

If you are going to live in a house and share a kitchen & bathroom with someone, before long you will not be complete strangers. You may not be friends but will have a form of relationship as cohabiters.

Regardless it is simply good manners. Polite people will consider others and will not have an issue with mentioning they will be away for a week.

heartsonacake · 03/07/2020 09:27

@Doryhunky

Ok. All understood. If something happens to her I will leave it to the Police to track down her family.
That is their entire job, you know. And plenty of people live alone.

Do you have anxiety? You seem obsessed with the idea that something might happen to her Confused

heartsonacake · 03/07/2020 09:28
  • Apologies, not entire, but part of their job.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/07/2020 09:31

All the people saying OP is excessively worried, wtf?

Op has said clearly they've had a local string of burglaries recently with entry being forced while people are in bed at night. It's completely normal to consider safety & security in those circumstances. It is caring & thoughtful to consider those around you as part of that.

Or are you all just strange isolated weirdos Confused

romdowa · 03/07/2020 09:31

I've been a lodger twice and only lasted weeks in each place due to the home owner trying to act like my mother 😅😅 wanting to know when I'd be home etc etc. Just couldn't stick it at all.

Puckishly · 03/07/2020 09:33

Or are you all just strange isolated weirdos

The presence or absence of the OP's lodger has no impact on the burglaries, assuming the OP didn't choose her for her hand to hand fighting skills. She simply needs to sort out a good front door lock that doesn't need to be double-locked from the inside in a way that will mean the lodger can't come and go at night.

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