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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sad work didn't get me a gift for new baby?

111 replies

Jennyrob669 · 01/07/2020 22:05

Ok so I know in the grand scheme of things this doesn't really matter, but I still feel sad about it.

I've worked with my colleagues for 12 years and have always contributed to staff collections. I received gifts myself for turning 30, marriage and 1st baby. I had my second baby 10 months ago and all I got was an 89p card that not even all the staff signed. I thought I'd receive a gift too, but nothing. It was like zero effort went into it.

I know I shouldn't expect anything, but this happened 10 months ago and I still think about it. I dont know why it bothers me so much! I question if my work friends are actually my friends. Only 1 came to visit me and new baby and they don't really text unless I text them first. I always thought I had a good relationship with everyone, but it seems since I dropped to part time hours, I'm not in the inner circle anymore.

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 02/07/2020 07:25

Going forward after my maternity and I find a new job, I'm going to make sure every milestone for every staff member is celebrated.

You are going to make yourself very unpopular in your new job going in and asking people you hardly know for money for every little thing.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/07/2020 07:27

@LaurieFairyCake

No ones really bothered about 2nd or subsequent babies Confused It's just a close family thing
Really? Confused
myself2020 · 02/07/2020 07:32

oh my god, just imagine all the collections and cards for every life event! You’ll waste so
mych time and money for stuff that is destined for the charity shop , pleae don’t do that
Cards - yes, definitely. everything else - just don’t.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 02/07/2020 07:36

t's personal choice if you want to contribute or not
It might be personal choice but there is an inherent pressure when collections go round for people to contribute which I personally think is wrong. Its not fair. People might be struggling financially and its very hard to say no to a collection without looking like youre being stingy or cheap.
I think in this particular financial time of uncertainty you should lay off the collections because people are really financially struggling at the moment and its extra pressure that simply isnt necessary. Why cant a lovely card suffice? a card where everyone writes something supportive is just as nice and meaningful. You dont need an extravagant gift because its the thought that counts. I dont expect gifts from work. Thats what my friends and family are for.

eaglejulesk · 02/07/2020 07:48

Um... child free here (by choice btw), and I know I’ll get flamed for this. I’d certainly sign your card and give you all my best wishes, contribute to a bunch of flowers, but expecting a gift because of your choice to have a child?

I agree - those of us who don't have major life events while in a workplace are forever putting our hands in our pockets for others and get nothing in return.

DilloDaf · 02/07/2020 08:06

You got a baby Grin.
Surely that's enough of a present?

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 02/07/2020 08:06

not all work places are about having babies.
that is just a small percentage

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 02/07/2020 08:07

the reducing to part time hours can affect your relationships, it is their own insecurity though

yellowsunset · 02/07/2020 08:14

Try being less entitled. No everything's about you.

FredaFox · 02/07/2020 08:15

We stopped doing leaving gifts, after a few in a row it became a thing you did and quite honestly a lot of them you weren’t bothered they were leaving 1st babies we would do and if somebody was retiring, getting married, but I can’t think of anything big for subsequent babies, card and small gift at most.
We do celebrate birthdays and do secret Santa which I know is hated by many but generally it’s not tat it’s a well thought out gift in a team of 10.
It’s only the newbies who have bought tat! They don’t do it again

Livelovebehappy · 02/07/2020 08:18

I think the key thing here is to not necessarily view work colleagues as friends. They’re often not proper friends and when you move jobs rarely stay in contact. I’ve moved jobs and teams many times over the years, and have formed a lot of close bonds with a lot of people, but the reality is that the friendships are formed in a setting where you spend a lot of time with these people, but once you’re removed from that setting, someone else takes your place. There are only a handful of people I have worked with who i class now as good friends. I think also working part time does affect how you are viewed in the work place - it shouldnt happen, but it does.

LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh · 02/07/2020 08:21

My BIL's girlfriend made a lovely personalised gift for my first child. The second one didn't even get a card. I'll have to make something so that second baby doesn't feel left out.

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2020 08:21

I think as you were primary in organising collections this is something that means a lot more to you than others. A lot more.

For many and most it’s a nice gesture. But really they don’t give a shit. Many also find the whole collection thing a pain in the arse but feel they can’t say no.

I think this is about how much importance you personally place against this and in reality how little everyone else does.

MinervaSaidThar · 02/07/2020 08:22

@Mummyoflittledragon

How do you think the (hypothetical) middle aged single mother, who joined the company at 40 and was 49 when it dissolved? She would have got zero presents despite contributing to 3 presents for you. How many more gifts for everyone else? Pushing her to contribute to all of these gifts would literally have taken money away from her children.

Good point.

ThePlantsitter · 02/07/2020 08:25

This happened to me too and I think it was because I had my babies close together and people thought I was talking the piss.

It's not that you think it's your due, it just feels personal when every other event is celebrated and yours is not!

Twizbe · 02/07/2020 08:25

I got a gift for my first baby from work, but nothing for my second. I had no great send off for either or any nice return (tbf to them I was clear that I don't like baby showers so didn't really want anything like that)

There were lots of women having babies around the time I had my second, they were all having their first and they all got way more fuss than I did

Catsick36 · 02/07/2020 08:26

That's shit. Your manager should have sorted a collection and gifts for you.
It's not a second baby thing it's a thoughtless thing. Nothing was done for either of my babies after 15 yrs working there. I took it very personally.
I've moved departments and put into collections, there is no discrimination whether it's a first baby or third here so it's much better.

CeibaTree · 02/07/2020 08:26

People make a fuss when you have your first baby as you are becoming a mother whereas with second and subsequent children people just send their congratulations - I think it's fine to just receive a card. A box of chocs or a bunch of flowers might have been a nice gesture, but not an expected one. Congrats on your new baby!

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2020 08:26

Going forward after my maternity and I find a new job, I'm going to make sure every milestone for every staff member is celebrated

I really wouldn’t assume people will think this is a positive op. In fact many might hate it, I’d look to see the culture first,

As said, just because you feel this is really important, you need to accept others don’t, in fact many will dislike it intently.

Livelovebehappy · 02/07/2020 08:27

We have collections constantly at work, and it can get quite expensive. Thought WFH might give us a break from it, but instead we have been given the account information of our self appointed ‘collection’ person, and asked to transfer money to her account so that flowers can be sent to birthday girls home.

Intelinside57 · 02/07/2020 08:29

Just don't try to impose any collections and celebrations in your new place of work. Leave people to buy cards if they want to. As others have said, collections can cause stress that the organiser is completely unaware of. And, if someone does inadvertently get missed when they have a "life event"... how did you feel?

Serin · 02/07/2020 08:32

There is a global pandemic, our country is broke, America is being run by an idiot, racism is rife, global warming is happening, China and Russia are flexing their muscles and terrorism has not gone away.

But you choose to worry about the lack of a gift for baby who is now 10months old.Confused

Ellisandra · 02/07/2020 08:32

It’s the new home thing that got me Confused
Can you imagine being asked for a quid or two for someone who earns more than you and has a wealthy wife, and a recent inheritance - who is moving into an owned home that you can only dream about as you go home to your more-expensive-than-their-mortgage rental?!

HowFastIsTooFast · 02/07/2020 08:44

@LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh

My BIL's girlfriend made a lovely personalised gift for my first child. The second one didn't even get a card. I'll have to make something so that second baby doesn't feel left out.
This confused me. At what stage do you plan to sit down with your DC and go through exactly what they were each gifted at birth? Is that a thing?? Shock
WhereILiveIsWhereIStay · 02/07/2020 08:54

A shared lunch, a cake or box of dougnuts for the team and a card is enough.

As pps have pointed out, some people do feel pressured to give to collections and it is never fair. Many people not having big life events miss out completely and some others rake in the gifts with e.g a wedding and 2 lots of mat leave gifts in 5 years.