AIBU to be sad work didn't get me a gift for new baby?

[Jennyrob669]

Ok so I know in the grand scheme of things this doesn't really matter, but I still feel sad about it.

I've worked with my colleagues for 12 years and have always contributed to staff collections. I received gifts myself for turning 30, marriage and 1st baby. I had my second baby 10 months ago and all I got was an 89p card that not even all the staff signed. I thought I'd receive a gift too, but nothing. It was like zero effort went into it.

I know I shouldn't expect anything, but this happened 10 months ago and I still think about it. I dont know why it bothers me so much! I question if my work friends are actually my friends. Only 1 came to visit me and new baby and they don't really text unless I text them first. I always thought I had a good relationship with everyone, but it seems since I dropped to part time hours, I'm not in the inner circle anymore.

Please don't be that person who insists that every life event requires a gift. I don't mind contributing to leaving gifts or a new baby, but I hate constant collections at work.

In your case, if there were only two of you that organised the collections and the other person left, then it's highly likely that nobody will step in. That's why, wherever I have worked, the line manager has normally taken responsibility to organise collections. Even if they delegate the task to someone else, they would still ensure it gets done.

Also, it sound like you have probably received lots of gifts in a fairly short space of a few years - you said you got gifts for turning 30, marriage and DC1. It's highly likely that in that time, at least a couple of your colleagues have. had no major life events and are probably fed up of being the ones always contributing and can only look forward to a gift every 10 years - and if the company no longer exists, they have missed out again.

I get that it hurts, but you have done pretty well out of your colleagues over the years.

@OnceUponAMidnightBeery
I'm 100% with you there!

I really hate how gifts are somehow "expected" in the office culture, and also it's this feeling of "I got you X, so why haven't you got me Y?". I'm self employed now and therefore get nothing for any of my life changing events... And I'm not bothered!

The rest of the office probably sighed with relief when the main organiser of all these various collections left!

Coor, there are bastards on this thread 😂 as per. I'm with you on this one op! My colleague left last year to have a baby and we all put money in a card, this year (two weeks ago i left) and didn't get anything. Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed!

I didn't get anything from work when I got married last year. We got a lovely card and gift from DH's colleagues. I was a bit peeved for a day, then I got on with life.

I had such a massive fuss made at work when I had my first baby. Collections and presents from teams I didn’t even work closely with. Second baby... a gift card for about £20 (I work in a huge organisation). It’s totally normal for people to lose interest after you’ve had your first

I think this depends on the size of your Team.
Wherever I've worked, of course a member of staff having a baby would be marked with some flowers being sent, it's not likely to happen that often in a group of 20 or fewer people. Different of course if you work in huge teams, but a lot of people don't.

but as you've just reiterated I would just be on the ball for celebrations - so therefore no-one else ever needed to give it headspace you had it covered.

You already got 3 lots of gifts from them!

We only do collections for presents for first babies at my workplace (thank God!), second and third etc get a card and some flowers, and someone usually organises a nice lunch or afternoon tea.

You sound a little bit grabby tbh.

To be honest this was one of the factors in changing jobs. There was literally a collection every week for one thing or another. Financially when we had our second after nursery and travel I would have had £2 a day profit. That did not include clothing myself in office attire or contributions to 'the envelope' so I would end up paying to work. Managed to find a different job which did not require childcare, travel or the envelope (you will be pleased to hear that I still wear clothes). I just buy myself something that I love rather than having to have a fake 'I love it face' for some ornament that someone else likes. No money out, no tat in. Onto a winner.

I can understand that you are disappointed because you did all the organising for everyone, but realistically not everyone is into office collections.

YANBU. If people had cards and gifts for second babies then I can see why you are upset. Our workplace has done online cards and donations for leavers.

Going forward after my maternity and I find a new job, I'm going to make sure every milestone for every staff member is celebrated.

Eh?! No! You’re just setting yourself for more disappointment. Just stop contributing unless you’re very good friends with the receiver.

I know your feelings are hurt by this but try not to take it personally.

The person who did the collections left. Nobody therefore noticed/thought about it/realised nobody else had done anything.

I was the collections person in my team. When I left after ten years I got a cake. Just a cake. It was nice and we all got some, but I knew that every other person that left got the best part of £100, as I collected it and counted it.

I got one person buying a cake and a card. I really appreciated her effort. But I was hurt that nobody apparently cared enough to do what I used to do.

It wasn’t about the money it was about the lack of reciprocation when I’d done all their birthdays, baby’s births, leavings, promotions etc.

So I feel your pain. I still tell myself it wasnt personal!

I can understand that it’s hurtful, especially when you arrange things for others. I’ve been very unwell recently, before lockdown. I was in hospital for nearly two weeks in icu, and didn’t receive a get well card from my colleagues of 11 years. I’ve let it go-just about!

People get you stuff for first baby because they want to support you on entering parenthood. They don't actually care about the baby.

I got sod all for dc2 as well. Doesn't really bother me, we didn't need another teddy or baby gro or whatever!

This was almost a year ago, and it’s taken this thread for you to put two and two together that it wasn’t personal, just the two main organisers just either being not there, or you?!

You’re too into this.

Especially your follow up saying you’ll make sure in future teams that everything is marked - including new homes and engagements? Seriously?! I’d be quite uncomfortable in a team where someone was constantly pushing that. If a colleague gets engaged, I’d rather give a natural excited congratulations, take a look at the ring - and that’s that. I would appreciate that in return far more than I would a card that wasn’t most people’s choice. A spoken, “how lovely!” with a genuine smile means more to me than a group card. As for buying a new house? Yay! Let’s celebrate someone being in a fortunate financial position. Where does it end? You say it’s predicament choice, but no-one wants to look a dick at work not taking a stand. Not everyone wants this level of involvement (and certainly not collections!) and that’s obvious by the fact that it stopped when the two people pushing it stopped.

Enjoy your baby, I hope you get another job easily - but do think twice about turning up in your job and starting collections for Hannah’s cat’s neutering anniversary, yeah?

People aren't as bothered about babies after you've had your first. That was my experience, anyway.

They’ve made a big fuss for your other milestones but it’s a second baby, not as exciting, and you need to draw the line somewhere. Would you still
Be expecting gifts for your third or fourth?

I think you need to move on from this OP, it's not personal.

My workplace scrapped the endless birthday collections a few years ago thankfully and now just do major events, weddings, decade birthdays, people leaving, retirements etc. For these we have a whip round and the company gets a couple of bottles of fizz and some nibbles in. They can be hit & miss depending who it's organising.

We've not had any second babies in my time so don't know if we'd do it all again, but I had the whole thing back when I got married (now divorced) and certainly wouldn't expect them to do it again if I got married again.

This happened ten months ago. It’s a second baby. Is probably try to let it go...

I’d

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be sad about that (although '89p card' made me laugh, sorry) and people are really missing the point queuing up to tell you how nobody cares about your second baby or your decision to have a child. Of course people care about nice things that happen to others. Your workplace usually marks these events, and you've contributed, and helped to organise the collections, in the past, so it's disappointing that you didn't get the same effort back. These things don't just happen though - they need an organiser (that's sometimes been you, I sense), and when there isn't one, things can flop a bit. Presumably you're not dwelling on it excessively, as it's just one of those things, but YANBU.

I’d say posting on it 10 months later is dwelling on it excessively, @redcarbluecar
And you don’t need to sense that OP is an organiser of such things - she’s said that more than once on the thread! In fact, it’s become clear it’s the reason why she didn’t get a gift 10 months ago... she wasn’t organising it, and the other organiser wasn’t there either. So OP may be disappointed that no-one organised it - but it’s clearly not personal, so - move on!

I can understand your upset. However, I think you would do well to reframe your thinking. You had more than your fair share of gifts.

How do you think the (hypothetical) middle aged single mother, who joined the company at 40 and was 49 when it dissolved? She would have got zero presents despite contributing to 3 presents for you. How many more gifts for everyone else? Pushing her to contribute to all of these gifts would literally have taken money away from her children.

Don’t be the person, who expects everyone to contribute for every, single event. You will not be doing everyone a favour. This would be about you, not them. If you want to give a gift, do it individually. You may be able to afford easily to contribute. Others may be single parents, paying back big loans that their partner / ex ran up or contributing to their parents expenses etc.

Going forward into any new job it is NOT YOUR DECISION to celebrate everyone's milestones! You should fall into what their custom is. Indeed it would be better if no milestone's were celebrated so that people who may not have a £1 here and there all the time to celebrate Sue having her bunion removed and Mary having her 5th baby. Half the time you may not even know the person.

I didnt get anything while off sick but other staff do, it rankles, it is upsetting.

Having a second baby isn't a major life event. People aren't that interested in other people's baby's.