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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I love you more than mummy"...

77 replies

Anon234 · 01/07/2020 20:57

Tonight I heard my 5 year old tell DH that she loves him more than she loves me and, I'm not going to lie, I feel gutted. I do everything for her and her siblings (DH works long hours and I do 90% of the childcare). I know she's only little and it probably sounds ridiculous but I feel really sad about it. AIBU to take it seriously?

OP posts:
cremuel · 01/07/2020 21:01

I can understand why you feel gutted. I think this isn’t unusual - children feel very confident and secure with their main carer, but with others, even the other parent, they feel more need to earn their love and be lovable. It’s the same reason they tend to behave worse with the main carer - they feel safe enough not to put on a front. I remember people telling me it was a sign of how close DC felt to me that they behaved like this when they were young, but it’s pretty cold comfort and very hard not to feel hurt by it. But it’s not really a reflection of how she feels!

Flamingolingo · 01/07/2020 21:03

Mine love Daddy more than me right up until bedtime when Daddy doesn’t get a look in! Or if they don’t feel well. Fact is that Daddy is way more fun than I am, but I’m their safety and comfort. It’s probably the same for you.

RoseGoldEagle · 01/07/2020 21:03

It’s just a think that 5 year olds say. If you’re doing 90% of the childcare then it’s likely you’re doing more of the telling off and having to do boring jobs when they want to play etc, and your DH may be able to focus more on the fun stuff. She doesn’t actually mean she loves you less than DH, she’s five.

RoseGoldEagle · 01/07/2020 21:03

Thing not think

Hippocampe · 01/07/2020 21:10

Don't take it to heart op. Kids are fickle at this age. My dd writes love letters to the dog, declaring how she loves him more than anything else in the world...
And my friends DD told me the other day she loves me more than her own mum. Purely because when she comes over I let the girls have a film night where they get to eat popcorn and sweets! There will always be the parent that's the "fun" one, who doesn't have to do all the nagging, and tell the kids to wait a minute as they're busy doing other stuff. My dh comes in from work and the kids are all over him and as he hasn't dealt with them all day, he's got as much enthusiasm as they have, I'm just the boring one on the 3rs load of washing and shouting at them to get their PJ's. So of course, they'd say daddy is the best.. as he doesn't have to deal with as much of the boring parts of parenting!

SqidgeBum · 01/07/2020 21:12

Kids say lots of things, and she may mean it today, but that doesnt mean she will mean it tomorrow. Your DH probably isnt the one telling her to do her schoolwork, or to put her plate in the dishwasher, or to tidy her toys up. DHs that work and arent home for 90% of the parenting are in prime position to be favourite. However, in the future when she is sick, or she comes home sad from school, it will be Mum she will want a hug from. Its always the way it is. I remember being the same with my Mum, and now she is my best friend. Try to take it as lightly as she said it. She is 5. She will love her toys tomorrow more than she loves your DH, and the next day it will change again.

You have my understanding though. For all the work I do, the childcare, the effort, the cooking, the thought I put in, my DH is still the 'fun' one. I figure one day I will be appreciated.

dimples76 · 01/07/2020 21:14

It is reasonable to feel upset but I wouldn't read too much into it. If it's any comfort my DS (aged 6) told me that he loved his pillow more than me - this was not said in anger, just v matter of fact

Devoilmum · 01/07/2020 21:19

My daughter used to regularly tell me that she loved me..... but loved daddy more when she was about the same age. Always affectionately. Now shes 11 and can’t believe she ever said it - she’s a real mummy’s girl these days.

Original poster
Anon234 · 01/07/2020 21:19

Thanks for the replies. I am DEFINITELY not the fun one in our house! I am the one doing the nagging/telling off/boring stuff. DH is very much the 'fun dad', he really makes the most of his time with the kids, which is wonderful but it means I look pretty dull in comparison. I think it hit me so hard to hear her say that because we have always been so close and she's like my little shadow. It breaks my heart a little bit.

OP posts:
AriadnesFilament · 01/07/2020 21:25

OR

Did she mean “I love you more than mummy does” instead of “I love you more than I love mummy”?

5 year olds aren’t the most sophisticated with their language and sometimes what they say isn’t what they mean.

If she did mean it at its face value I wouldn’t pay it much mind. You’ll be her favourite another day, and as she grows the nuance and difference of what you each do for her and give her will become more obvious and she’ll love each of you in her own way for those things. 5 year olds live in the moment and are still learning about so much. It’s not fair to her or you to view what she’s said through an adult lens.

Isawthathaggis · 01/07/2020 21:25

I have one that will continually tell one parent how much they love, like and want to be with the other parent every time one of us is alone with her.
Continually.
If we didn’t know she was equal in her absolute dismissal of the present parent it would be a little bit heart breaking.
It’s a phase. It will pass.

I agree with her now and say ‘yes, isn’t daddy lovely’ safe in the knowledge that I am the better parent Grin

ElephantsAlltheWayDown · 01/07/2020 21:29

Around that age I told my mother I wished my teacher was my mum. I said it happily, not because I was angry but because I just really liked my teacher. It didn't mean anything but I'm sure it hurt my mum's feelings at the time!

Kids just say stuff. Try not to take it too much to heart.

IAintentDead · 01/07/2020 21:30

She still sees you as part of her almost. You are as real to her as her fingers and toes and just as important.

Daddy is something separate, is fun and not there all the time.

Winter2019 · 01/07/2020 21:31

Our DD definitely loves her daddy more than she loves me 🙄 and yes I'm gutted and also happy she loves her daddy. Sometimes though she'll say to me- you are the best and sometimes she'll say-daddy is the best. She's 4

Sindragosan · 01/07/2020 21:34

5 year olds are fickle arseholes. They'll tell anyone they love them the most if it suits what they want at the time. Its still mummy they want when they fall over.

ktp100 · 01/07/2020 21:35

This is so common - Daddy is away all day at work so they get to miss him, then at weekends he's all fun and games. You, on the other hand, get the delights of daily nagging, at least 90% of the behaviour management and have to do all of the boring day to day stuff.

As soon as she is sad, ill or uncertain of something she'll want Mummy.

Try not to take it to heart.x.

Iliketeaagain · 01/07/2020 21:37

I think all kids go through phases of this. At 4, my dd told me she loved ice cream more than me..

My 2 went through phases of being absolute daddy's girls.. to the point, that one tantrummed at about 4yo for over an hour because daddy had gone to work and she was stuck with me all day..

Now the eldest absolutely comes to me for everything - children are just fickle little creature Grin

Thisismytimetoshine · 01/07/2020 21:42

Not unusual at all. She'll be telling you she loves you more than Daddy next week. Then back again...

Glendora · 01/07/2020 21:42

I get this ALL the time. To be fair, DH is primary carer for the DC and spends a lot more time with 4-yr-old DS than I do. And in our case it is, mostly, DH he'll turn to if he's really upset/ falls over, etc. It's hard (for me and DH) at times, but I don't hold it against him! He's only 4 and he doesn't say it to be mean or hurt my feelings. And these things change. DD was all about DH when she was 2ish/3ish. It was a phase.

AudacityOfHope · 01/07/2020 21:43

Kids say lots of shit! If you're the 'main' parent you're really just more of a permanent feature and less of a novelty. You're built into their lives and bones in a way nobody else is. Really, don't give it another thought.

Looneytune253 · 01/07/2020 21:43

My girls were both daddy's girls until he had a weeks holiday from work and then I was the fave again. Think it was just because they spent so much time with me do dad was a novelty.......until he wasn't and then they got sick of him haha

istheresomethingishouldknow · 01/07/2020 21:46

I think Daddy needs to take on more of the grunt work in the evenings and at weekends so you can focus on enjoying some time with them.

Randomfires · 01/07/2020 21:46

My 5 year old thinks about which one of us she loves more and then informs me regularly. Often it’s Daddy and then she tells me not to be upset as she likes me a lot.

It means nothing. Maybe she does love him more sometimes. I love different people more at different times. I just don’t tell them!!

SarahAndQuack · 01/07/2020 21:53

I'm stunned you've a five year old and not heard this yet! Grin

My DD's favourite thing in the world is playing me off against her mama. Or abandoning us both for grandparents/auntie/whoever.

They do genuinely go through phases of feeling closer to one or other, I think, and it does hurt when it's a prolonged phase. But it doesn't mean anything.

Phrowzunn · 01/07/2020 21:54

When I was growing up my mum was a SAHM and my dad worked away and I was a total Daddy’s girl because he was novel and my mum was ‘boring’ by comparison. My mum obviously did EVERYTHING for me and I can totally imagine I would have said something like this to my dad. As an adult, I love my dad very, very dearly but my mum is my rock and my absolute best friend and now that I am a mother myself I have such a massive appreciation for everything she did and everything she sacrificed. We have such a wonderful relationship but I’m sure I probably hurt her feelings as a child with my obvious favouritism.

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