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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"I love you more than mummy"...

77 replies

Anon234 · 01/07/2020 20:57

Tonight I heard my 5 year old tell DH that she loves him more than she loves me and, I'm not going to lie, I feel gutted. I do everything for her and her siblings (DH works long hours and I do 90% of the childcare). I know she's only little and it probably sounds ridiculous but I feel really sad about it. AIBU to take it seriously?

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 01/07/2020 21:56

Yes they will say that, to the one they feel less secure with :( Could your DH spend more time with them properly?

I mean, part of what she is saying is 'I love our time/you (interchangeable at this age) because I love the fun' BUT, the 'more than mummy' bit is a classic kind of keeping in the good books thing too - trying to please him, get more attention. Because he swings in for the fun but she isn't quite so sure of him as she is you.

AnxiousElephant77 · 01/07/2020 21:56

My dd said to my mum when she was about 3, 'I wish you were my mum.'

I was heartbroken and I think I started a thread about it on here!

She's 13 now and thinks it's a hilarious story. Honestly, don't worry. Kids say stupid bloody things all the time.

SuperMumTum · 01/07/2020 22:01

My 5 year old DS does this a lot but he only sees his dad a couple of days a week so it's almost an aspirational thing "I love daddy the most" (because I want to see him more and because you're boring and always here) but when he's at his dad's he wants to come home to mummy really quickly. The tickling and rough and tumble that he loves with daddy wears thin quickly.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 01/07/2020 22:02

Wait til she says it about her teacher/goldfish/dinner.

Kids talk a lot of blah - just write her out of the will and carry on like the rest of us.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 01/07/2020 22:04

Did he happen to have sweets or chocolate handy?

send her back and get another one

SimonJT · 01/07/2020 22:04

Is this the first time you’ve had it?!

My son tells the cat he loves her more than me!

He absolutely loves one of my friends and always tells him he loves him more than me, they make a great little team, it isn’t something to be worried or jealous about. Its nice to see him forming healthy attachments to someone other than me.

PassTheSherry · 01/07/2020 22:07

I know it's a bit hurtful but kids sometimes say things without much thought. Like others have said - it's probably because you're the primary carer and less of a novelty than their Dad. I used to have an issue with my partner because he was always the 'fun Dad' while I was the parent who ran around doing everything else - planning trips, playdates, taking to appointments, seeing friends, cleaning up after, feeding, telling off...everything. Of course this is because I was around more and he was around less. Cut to a decade or so later and although they love both of us; they do seem to respect me more e.g. they give him more cheek and say things to him they wouldn't dream of with me, they also tell me more things about their lives, and we definitely talk more. They love him, but are closer to me - they occasionally do things like bring me cups of tea in bed but have done this less with him. I think this is due to the years of 'fun dad' and leaving the tougher parts of parenting to me. It used to be horrible at times being put in the position of the bad cop all the time (so it felt like), but being the 'favourite parent' because they're less around for the not-so-fun stuff, doesn't necessarily command respect when they're older.

StoneCold316 · 01/07/2020 22:09

@Flamingolingo

Mine love Daddy more than me right up until bedtime when Daddy doesn’t get a look in! Or if they don’t feel well. Fact is that Daddy is way more fun than I am, but I’m their safety and comfort. It’s probably the same for you.

This is exactly how it is in our house

Cadent · 01/07/2020 22:10

My nephew was asked who he loved the most when he was 4 and we were sat around a table, and he said me, to his parents’ chagrin!

I knew it didn’t mean anything then!

Don’t take it personally, she probably is more secure that you’ll always be there.

TinselTortoise · 01/07/2020 22:12

When my DD was around 5 she used to tell me she hated me and only loved daddy. She's now 10 and we are very close. Don't take it to heart.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/07/2020 22:12

I teach 5 year olds and I’ve had several of them tell me they love me more than their mum/dad. It’s just something they say!

JRUIN · 01/07/2020 22:14

You need to learn resilience else you will never survive the teenage years!

Mmmmycorona · 01/07/2020 22:16

Yabu. Dd loves the person she’s spent more time with on that particular day.
I don’t care though, I know deep down that she loves her mummy the most

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/07/2020 22:21

When I was in primary school, we were set a task to write an essay about someone who is our hero. The two other girls on my table wrote about their dads. They had really lovely, involved dads. One used to ride a tandem bike to school to pick her up on, the other once came in fancy dress to surprise her. I barely knew my dad but felt left out so wrote about my dad too.
What I’m trying to say is, kids aren’t the most sincere creatures. Sometimes they say things that they think will make other people happy.
Try not to take it to heart xx

MintyMabel · 01/07/2020 22:24

I had a young relative once said they wished I was their mummy rather than their own mummy. It made sense to them because when they were with me if was all fun and games and they could stay up late and never got in to trouble. I pointed out that if I were there mummy and had to worry about bedtimes every day and eating the proper foods, and doing homework, I would be just as naggy and on their case as their mummy was. They just see things in such black and white terms. The fun one will always be the pick of the day but when the chips are down and they need something they remember you are there for them.

FromTheAllotment · 01/07/2020 22:27

Once when I was babysitting I had a 6yo tell me that she wished I was her mummy.
Because I’d made her laugh reading a bedtime story.
Seriously they’re completely brutal at this age. It won’t last forever!

Sharpandshineyteeth · 01/07/2020 22:28

I remember taking my then 5yo to soft play. She was playing in the play area bit and came out to tell me she’d found a new mummy; a big plastic octopus 😂

Also, when I tell my 4yo that I love her to space and back. She tells me she loves me to the one stop shop and back, that’s a 2 minute walk

Fluffyslippers02 · 01/07/2020 22:29

I imagine it' probably the same sort of thing as my DS, He loves going to his dads (The 1 night a fortnight that he goes) because they always have fun. When he is home with me its all school work, tidying and moaning lol. Your DP doesn't have to do all the "bad" stuff because he is out at work, so it falls on you. Your DC and DP have the "fun" time together. Try not to take it to heart, Although I know how wrenching this can feel.

Waitingandwaitingandwaiting · 01/07/2020 22:29

I agree with @JRUIN. I can remember at least 3 adults that as a teenager I used to wish were my parents......and I regularly told my mum they were better parents than her. We are best friends now.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/07/2020 22:32

a) kids are gits
b) he has the novelty factor because she doesnt see him as much
c) you are the big old cow bag who makes her eat her veg and do her reading and not pick her nose and tidy away her toys.......
d) kids are gits
e) dont worry, one day they leave

EllaEllaE · 01/07/2020 22:34

Earlier this year our 5yo spent about a month insisting he didn't love Daddy, only Mummy. It was pretty heartbreaking at the time, because he was so adamant, and didn't want to give his poor dad a hug or anything. But it was during the second month of lockdown and the poor thing was all over the place emotionally. More recently he told Daddy that he's changed his mind and loves him too now. :-) We share childcare 50/50, so there wasn't a logical reason why he chose Daddy as the 'meanie' and not me.

Piixxiiee · 01/07/2020 22:35

Definitely agree with the first few posts-didnt read all- I'm the main care giver and if sick/tired etc it's me the kids come to first but daddy can be the fun one and me the boring one alot of times. My dd (6) said something similar to dh.... broke my heart . But I know she loves me..... does sting though! Not looking forward to the teenage years, I have a feeling my dd and I may clash!

CoodleMoodle · 01/07/2020 22:36

Bless you OP, it's rough! When she was about 3, my DD(6) went through a phase of replying to "I love you, DD!" with "and I love Daddy!" which was hard to hear the first time, but makes me laugh now. She's always been a Daddy's girl and I think PPs have a point where the main carer is the mean/boring one and the 'other' parent is more fun - probably because they aren't as burnt out from caring for the DC all the time. It does also mean that when DH tells her off it's a complete disaster in her eyes, because Daddy doesn't have to do it very often whereas Mummy does it all the time...

But I quite enjoyed being second favourite as it meant I got a bit of time to myself, then DS(2) came along and is essentially permanently attached to my leg at all times, so now I know how it feels from the other side!

StoppinBy · 01/07/2020 22:43

Don't worry too much, next month you will probably be the fav lol. Been through that stage with my eldest, now 7, and as a SAHM who does most of the kiddie work I get where you are coming from but at 5 they neither understand ooff mean it how it sounds to us as adults.

Itwasntme101 · 01/07/2020 22:46

Like everyone else says don't take it to heart. My toddler has a giant teddy and tells me I'm not mummy, the teddy is mummy 🙄

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