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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

"I love you more than mummy"...

77 replies

Anon234 · 01/07/2020 20:57

Tonight I heard my 5 year old tell DH that she loves him more than she loves me and, I'm not going to lie, I feel gutted. I do everything for her and her siblings (DH works long hours and I do 90% of the childcare). I know she's only little and it probably sounds ridiculous but I feel really sad about it. AIBU to take it seriously?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 01/07/2020 22:50

I told my mum I loved my dad more when I was 5!! I remember it clearly and she remembers it too. The thing is I've always been very close to my mum. I certainly don't love her less than my dad. She's wonderful. I have no idea why I said it. Try not to take it personally. Kids say these things. Tomorrow she might love you more.

Justaboy · 01/07/2020 22:51

Thanks for the replies. I am DEFINITELY not the fun one in our house! I am the one doing the nagging/telling off/boring stuff. DH is very much the 'fun dad', he really makes the most of his time with the kids, which is wonderful but it means I look pretty dull in comparison.

Theres your answer!, do bear in mind shes a 5 year old and will see things a bit differntly to you;!!

TW2013 · 01/07/2020 22:56

DD was like that for years. Ten years on she can barely pass a civil word with dh yet will happily sit and chat with me for hours. All you can do is work on making sure you get some of the fun time. When they were younger we used to try to make sure that each child had some 121 time with each parent. Now they are older we don't need to worry about childcare but we each in our own way do something different with each child. A quick coffee in town when someone needs new shoes etc. I was trying to think why I stopped doing it and then remembered- lockdown 🤦‍♀️.

Burplecutter · 01/07/2020 22:57

Mine loves me "the third" tonight.
Roblox is "the first"
Our dog is "the second"
And me and her dad are "the third"

They change their order like the wind changes direction. Sometimes me and her dad are level pegging, sometimes one is ahead of the other. Sometimes we are top of the list. Sometimes not. It's just what kids say in the moment.

TW2013 · 01/07/2020 22:59

Can you take her out somewhere fun 'because she is a big girl' and leave the younger ones with dh to fold the washing or something?

Miljea · 01/07/2020 23:06

Everyone has explained why a DC says they love the parent doing the easy, popular stuff daddy best!

But could we not ask our DHs to maybe begin to talk to that DC, explaining that 'It's because mummy loves you so much that she makes you do stuff you don't always like?'- rather than revel in 'best, favoured parent' accolade??

CoodleMoodle · 01/07/2020 23:16

@Burplecutter

I'm third as well! DD's list is:

  1. DS(2) (although he's not being nice to her atm so he might get knocked down a peg or two soon)
  2. DH
  3. Me
  4. DM
  5. Everyone else/family cats

For awhile she had the cats and some of her teddies occupying the top spots, so me and DM are just happy to be in the top five again Grin

BrummyMum1 · 01/07/2020 23:22

Mine loves daddy more if he’s nearer the ice cream or loves me more if I’m nearer the ice cream. Nothing to do with actual love, just mostly to do with wanting something.

JaniceWebster · 01/07/2020 23:26

Of course you are upset, that's absolutely normal.

Mine all had random favorites, sometimes on the same day. Fall down in the morning, inconsolable unless mummy arrives. Refuse to go to bed at night unless daddy stays...

Don't take to it to heart, be glad they have 2 parents and learn to happily leave them to it when it's daddy's turn to be favourite and deal with things Grin

It honestly does not mean anything. Sometimes all it takes is a chocolate donught, kids are that fickle.

JaniceWebster · 01/07/2020 23:26

*Doughnut

Lardlizard · 01/07/2020 23:28

My ds does this all the time says I love you the most mummy and sometimes it hurts dh feelings

LuluJakey1 · 01/07/2020 23:34

DH has been DD's favourite person in the world for about a year. She lights up when he comes home and wants to do everything with 'my daddy'. I am tolerated when he is around.

In the last month I am now her favourite (she is 3) and DH is secondary. She told us today 'I love mummy more than my scooter' which just confirmed it. My word or approval or time or smile makes her day. I am delighted Grin

Sittingontheveranda · 01/07/2020 23:36

My DC has often said the same thing. She can then flip it over to saying the opposite in the same week.
I admit to crying when I first heard her saying it. DH was at pains to say she didn't mean it, but I felt he was secretly pleased.
When my DC is sick, I am the one she calls for, to sleep beside and to comfort her. That is a clear message that she loves me and trusts me (and that is when I know she is really sick because at other times she calls for DH).

Wearywithteens · 01/07/2020 23:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Sailingblue · 01/07/2020 23:41

They are ungrateful wretches sometimes aren’t they! Both of mine at around 15m have had a strong preference for my husband. With my first, we had a photo shoot booked and she wouldn’t go near me. It made me cry as there are loads of lovely pictures of her and my husband and none of me and her . She’s now 4 and loves us equally at the moment but certainly knows how to try and play us off against each other.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/07/2020 23:42

@Miljea

Everyone has explained why a DC says they love the parent doing the easy, popular stuff daddy best!

But could we not ask our DHs to maybe begin to talk to that DC, explaining that 'It's because mummy loves you so much that she makes you do stuff you don't always like?'- rather than revel in 'best, favoured parent' accolade??

Couldnt agree more.

Its ok us knowing why they do this, but it would be better if the "preferred parent" actually explained and backed us up instead of basking in it.

There is a bit in Avengers Endgame where Tony Stark/Iron Man/Robert Downey Jr is being Mr Brilliant Genius and also being Fun Dad, and then goes and tells Mrs Stark/Pepper Potts/Gwyneth Paltrow that their daughter loves him 3000, implying more than she loves her mum. Well yes because you dont mind your DD saying shit and feed her ice pops at midnight. The wife does the actual parenting! I love that film but that bit has always pissed me right off!

rach2713 · 01/07/2020 23:44

I have 3 girls 2 are daddy's girls and the middle tries to be but always wants me. My eldest has always 100% been a daddies girl and will always go to him my 1 year old is until bedtime then it's me won't let him put her to bed. My middle is a girly girl loves her hair being done and daddy can't do pleats or nail polish so it's me which I like as she is the most cuddly out the lot Smile

SionnachGlic · 01/07/2020 23:51

Little girls love their daddies...plus she is learning the art of wrapping him around her little finger - nothing better than a few 'I love you best'! Pay no heed, ...be happy she is a happy little girl who lives you both & has a lovely Dad... he'll get a few 'I hate you' s thrown in by the time she's 16!!

MintyCedric · 02/07/2020 00:02

I think most small children go through this phase. My DD did it back in the day with both of us.

We started replying with "Wow that's so sweet [opposite parent] is sooo lucky."

It didn't last long!

BeaLola · 02/07/2020 00:05

my DS (12) says he loves us both the same - apart from when I am doing the home schooling (ironically as I have more patience than DH when it come to schoolwork & actually checking what DS has done) & then he definitely loves DH more !

caringcarer · 02/07/2020 01:45

It must be so hurtful for you but your baby does not mean it. Kids love both parents. Kids even love bad parents who hit them and are mean to them do I am sure your child loves you. Father's have a habit of arriving home when all the work in the house is done and so have time to play with child. When ds1 was a tiny baby he had projectile vomitting. I dealt with this all day and was regularly vomitted on and son was constantly crying.. I was exhausted, weepy and smelled of vomit. DH would come home and son would instantly stop crying and smile at him. It made me want to cry. Now he is the biggest Mummy's boy ever. He still lives at home at 30.

ChaosRising · 02/07/2020 06:42

The little one's playing you...

My almost three year old has started doing this...I'm convinced it's a power play. I find it hilarious. "No mummy, no cuddle for you. Cuddle for daddy. Look daddy, mummy sad, ha ha ha!" Children have very little power, but they like to e

ChaosRising · 02/07/2020 06:42

Sorry posted too soon! They like to experiment with the power they do have!

honeylulu · 02/07/2020 07:24

My just turned 6 year old loves daddy more. She has told me, earnestly and apologetically. When I probed why (I was amused as I also have a teenager and have seen this exact pattern 10 years ago) she said it's because he lets her have more cookies and yoghurts and go on her tablet more. Simples!

I'm firmer about healthy eating, not too many treats, try and regulate screen time (hard in lockdown though!) So I do say "no " more. But I'm the one who does crafts with her (though I secretly hate it), does jigsaw and builds marble runs, takes her for walks and outings (H never initiates anything like this and often doesn't join us as he likes to potter at home), reads her stories, keeps a check on school stuff, knows who her friends are, chooses and buys all birthday and Christmas gifts (H wouldn't have a clue what she's into) ...

Of course she is 6 and loves cookies so she doesn't really give all that stuff much thought but I reckon it will sink in when she's older.

My son now coming up to 16 was like this with his dad who he thought was great (he is, but rather permissive/ laid back and gives in for a quiet life). He has said a few times recently that he now realises how important all the stuff I did was, and that he appreciates why I needed to be the strict one, though he also says some of the childhood days out and holidays (all initiated, researched and booked by me) were some of his happiest memories ever. He's been diagnosed with (HF) ASD and ADHD and it was me who battled to get his teachers to cooperate with it, researched it, dealt with CAMHS, dealt with the SENCO, eventually found and funded a private assessment as it was all taking so long. H went along with it all and has been supportive but in a passive way. I doubt he would have fought for it like I have. My son said his diagnosis and the additional support he now has is life changing and he's glad I did this for him. (Gratitude from a teen, woohoo!)

roking · 02/07/2020 08:02

[quote CoodleMoodle]@Burplecutter

I'm third as well! DD's list is:

  1. DS(2) (although he's not being nice to her atm so he might get knocked down a peg or two soon)
  2. DH
  3. Me
  4. DM
  5. Everyone else/family cats

For awhile she had the cats and some of her teddies occupying the top spots, so me and DM are just happy to be in the top five again Grin [/quote]
Ha! This reminds me of my DD when she was young

Her list then (probably still now tbh) was every dog in the family, then her cousin, then my best friend, then me 😂😂