Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are men like this?

92 replies

MadameBee · 30/06/2020 23:59

So I am a 45 yr old women feeling like shit about my looks right now. Always felt pretty attractive but recently in lockdown put on weight - was a 10/12 now 12/14 I would think.

Today blow dried my hair and everything and felt ok about myself.

Popped out of the office to get a sandwich from Tesco and a loaf of construction workers were in there swarming around the sandwiches and one of them was like eyeing me up (I thought wtf I am old enough to be your mother) and he signalled to his mate who loudly said “what the fuck mate? I have had toe jam that looks better than that”.

I left the shop without getting batting but was swaying between crying or punching him.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 01/07/2020 11:13

If it’s any consolation, I’m sure one of those men will have clicked his upset you were and given that wanker a bollocking, when you left.

really? ya think so? i don't.

You should have said 'Why was this man like this?' or 'Why were these men like this?'

REALLY? Get to fuck with this. Seriously, into the sea or the sun or wherever.

NOBODY ever thinks it means all men except the pathetic NAMALT crew. Do you want to be one of those? Pathetic victim blaming excuses for some pretty shitty behaviour. Have a bloody word with yourself then find out how the English language works.

Clue: saying "why do men do this" and "why do all men do this" are two completely bloody different things.

FrankieDoyle · 01/07/2020 11:16

Is there any chance he could have been referring to a particular sandwich?

OP if it was definitely directed at you, then please don't let this knock your confidence and be safe in the knowledge that he's an immature prick, that only wishes he could get someone like you Smile Flowers

Malpki · 01/07/2020 11:17

What you're talking about here is a child, not a man. Take comfort in the fact that this person almost certainly has lots of self esteem and confidence issues.

puzzledpiece · 01/07/2020 11:18

Most men and women are not like this, but some people are just pieces of shit.

Would be nice to have come up with some withering response, but you can never think of them at the time

TheDailyCarbuncle · 01/07/2020 11:24

No mother looks at her little baby boy and thinks 'one day you'll say nasty things to women in a shop.' For him to have turned out like that is really sad, not for you, but for him. What must have happened to him in his life that he is like that? Will he one day look back and think 'gosh I'm glad I was a total dickhead and tried to make people feel like shit?' My heart genuinely goes out to people like that because if as an adult they're still throwing insults around to strangers then there's very little hope for them. It's probably already too late. Such a waste.

EmmetEmma · 01/07/2020 11:27

OP, I’ve had it happen to me and it feels like a disembowelling.

But, I was outside a club once and a car pulled up, Kate Moss got out and was papped - she genuinely looked amazing, so beautiful in real life. As she walked off one of the paps started commenting on how rough she looked - knackered etc. He was a not very attractive middle-aged man slating Kate Moss for her looks. Since then I have found it easier to believe that it really is about the unpleasant, scummy person who’s said shit and really isn’t personal or factual at all.

fromdownwest · 01/07/2020 11:44

'Why are men like this?'

Should have read

'Why was this man like this'

Yes he sounds horrific, but how many men did you walk past to get to the shop that did not judge you or say anything nasty.

Rainbunny · 01/07/2020 11:47

This is only my personal experience, so only applicable to me of course but I'm afraid I've come to the conclusion that there's a nasty underside to British society. I spent well over a decade living in California and I honestly never had a single negative encounter like the ones described and in the other thread (the one about strangers being horrible). People were universally friendly and very polite (ironic that Americans think the Brits are so polite). Maybe it's the warm sunny weather but across every socio-economic class people were polite and more upbeat in general.

I've since moved back to London and witnessed many hostile interactions between people on the street/tube/buses etc. Of course in London, public transportation means everyone is thrown together more where as in CA public transportation is limited, we all drive mostly.

I'm sure lots of posters are going to come along and contradict me, and fair enough I can only speak to my own experiences. Sadly though, my experiences have led me to my own conclusions.

ScrapThatThen · 01/07/2020 11:50

I experienced similar when I was 15. It's how men insult each other and it objectifies and belittles women by its implication that it's all about their choice, and that the woman doesn't have agency or value beyond their assessment of her appearance. Unfortunately for them she does.

Rollycat · 01/07/2020 13:03

I agree with PPs that this is not about what you look like, and all about the pathetic dynamic between these two men. The insulting one reckons he is the alpha male so he probably rubbishes everything the other one says to keep him in his place. He wouldn’t have agreed with him no matter what you look like. If you were a supermodel, he’d probably just have made a ‘meh’ face.

Think of it this way - there are thousands of other women that if they had been standing there instead of you, the exact same thing would have happened. You were unlucky. It’s not about you. I like the dog poo analogy of a PP and will use that in future!

I know from personal experience though that it is very difficult to think objectively where you are on the receiving end of shitty comments from men (and in my experience it is always men, never women). So I hope you are feeling better today. Flowers

For1dayonly · 01/07/2020 13:04

the women championing them would get a nasty shock if they were a fly on the wall if they could see said men in an all-male environment. Sad but something I absolutely believe is true
Without a doubt. I work in a male dominated company the talk is vile I've learned to ignore.
At the annual company social event these men change from potty mouth twats to adoring husbands when their wife is by their side.

LillianBland · 01/07/2020 13:07

@fromdownwest

'Why are men like this?'

Should have read

'Why was this man like this'

Yes he sounds horrific, but how many men did you walk past to get to the shop that did not judge you or say anything nasty.

Oh lord forbid that we offend men, while comforting a distressed woman.
LillianBland · 01/07/2020 13:09

If it’s any consolation, I’m sure one of those men will have clicked his upset you were and given that wanker a bollocking, when you left.

really? ya think so? i don't.

That’s probably true, but we can live in hope.

MyNameIsArthur · 01/07/2020 13:21

I'm sorry he said that to you OP Flowers He is an immature twat who just wanted to say something nasty to try and look big in front of his jointly idiotic mates. There is no truth in anything he said. He just wanted to say something hurtful to make him feel powerful, but anything he said is meaningless drivel. I know it is hard but please don't take it to heart as it's complete rubbish

LadyPrigsbottom · 01/07/2020 13:23

fizzygreen and lillian are bang on. Of course it isn't ALL men, but that really isn't the point. And, as fizzy says, you might be surprised at how many men behave like this in all male environments.

The op was minding her own damn business and these men decided to make a commodity of her, because they feel that is their right. Why do they feel that is their right? Well, the patriarchy.

So, sorry, but I would take the feelings of men who aren't like this, over women frequently being the victim of it. Hurt feelings of the privileged do not get to trump genuine bigotry. Saying, "don't tar us all with the same brush. You hurt my feelings", is a weak attempt to turn the privileged group into the perceived victims and the actual victims into the big mean women who are always making us poor menz feel bad.

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve that at all.

I have also had this, from men much younger than me. They even mentioned my worst feature, so it felt quite personal. On that occasion, I took the "ha! The fact that any of you even considered me attractive in the first place is hilarious to me" viewpoint. On another day, I may not have felt this way at all and would have felt hurt.

GinasHome · 01/07/2020 13:25

Trying to impress each other at your expense

GinasHome · 01/07/2020 13:27

Ex DP worked in construction and he had to deal with lots of women emailing him complaining about his labourers doing things like this.
Definitely complain if you can.

Honeyroar · 01/07/2020 13:28

However bad you could possibly look you’re never going to look like toe jam. You know it. The bloke is a silly little twat with little intelligence. Don’t give him another minute of your time. I bet, apart from this one pathetic little man, there were lots of people that smiled at you and thought you looked lovely. Come on, don’t let the bastard get you down.

ViciousJackdaw · 01/07/2020 13:46

I would have said, very loudly 'Urrgh, you get TOE JAM? Get a bath you dirty fucker!'

BlatheringOn · 01/07/2020 14:19

Nothing changes! I remember as a youngster feeling sick with dread when having to walk past construction sites. Whatever they say - complimentary or not is irrelevant - they are just making noise. They do it to 'communicate' but if you want to shut them down comment on penis size: most men are very very insecure about that. Or laugh and wave. Or yawn ostentatiously.
It has hurt you because you dislike the way you look at the moment but his opinion is worthless - yours is the only one that matters. Lots of us have piled on the weight in lockdown and do sympathise! I might work on mine soon - or maybe have one more glass of lovely wine.....

BlatheringOn · 01/07/2020 14:27

ViciousJackdaw Perfect!

rosiethehen · 01/07/2020 14:34

You need to say out loud "the louder the mouth, the smaller the penis" whilst holding up your little finger then bending it over so it looks even smaller.

tangledhair · 01/07/2020 14:36

The question is, why are you like this? He was horrible. It doesn't matter why. But why are you letting it bother you?

Surely unnecessary and turning it around on the OP in my opinion. OP doesn't need to justify her feelings or reaction when looking for support.

There are many supportive and understanding comments, hope you feel better today OP.

Brefugee · 01/07/2020 14:51

Some of the - on the face of it - what i thought were the nicest men i knew were absolute gobshites when they were all together. I used to be in the army, and there were very few women where i was stationed. And despite the "give us a fuck" "no" "agrh you skanky lezzer" type of convos that occasionally cropped up, they seemed to forget the few women there were actually women.

And hearing the way they talked about women, even their wives and girlfriends, was just so awful i stopped talking to some of them unless i absolutely had to for work. If I'd never seen that side of them (the armpit sniffing and fart lighting was absolutely harmless compared to this stuff) i would never have believed it.

I saw very few (my DH and some of the other guys i hung out with) ever challenge them on this. Until we started doing it. And drove it, in effect, underground because they finally realised that we would eventually out them in front of wives etc. So I'm afraid if anyone says "their mates call them out" i really really don't believe it that much.

tangledhair · 01/07/2020 15:12

I've had snipey personal appearance comments from the odd man I know which have taken me aback, i.e look at those hairs on your legs, oh you have a bit of a tummy, wtf, some form of put down when perfectly happy going about my day. My legs weren't hairy but so what if they are and I'm fine with it. The other one, his tummy was bigger and I laughed and told him so. Some nasty behaviour out there but have to be careful of the come back to strangers.