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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why are men like this?

92 replies

MadameBee · 30/06/2020 23:59

So I am a 45 yr old women feeling like shit about my looks right now. Always felt pretty attractive but recently in lockdown put on weight - was a 10/12 now 12/14 I would think.

Today blow dried my hair and everything and felt ok about myself.

Popped out of the office to get a sandwich from Tesco and a loaf of construction workers were in there swarming around the sandwiches and one of them was like eyeing me up (I thought wtf I am old enough to be your mother) and he signalled to his mate who loudly said “what the fuck mate? I have had toe jam that looks better than that”.

I left the shop without getting batting but was swaying between crying or punching him.

OP posts:

LillianBland · 01/07/2020 08:12

If it’s any consolation, I’m sure one of those men will have clicked his upset you were and given that wanker a bollocking, when you left. I’m so sorry this happened to you. The best answer I saw a friend give, was “who hurt you pet?” with a really sympathetic look on her face. The guy just said “fuck off”, but he was mortified when his mates laughed at him. Jyst look at them as the insignificant little men that they are. Think about it, what kind of miserable life must they lead, to try to feel powerful by picking on a more vulnerable person. Secure people have no need to do that.

Comtesse · 01/07/2020 08:23

Ahh OP he was an idiot. I find being arsey back quite helpful personally but it doesn’t work for everyone - “I’m sure your mum is proud of you”, or “bet you say that to all the girls”, or just “screw you, pal”. Construction workers used to be notorious for this and it’s been much better recently. Sorry OP don’t let these losers bring you down.

Velvian · 01/07/2020 08:49

@Eckhart, the OP doesn't need to ask herself why she is like that. It's hardly surprising that when you been groomed (since before you could even walk and talk) that your value to society is based on how you look, it is hardly surprising that it will affect you for your whole life.

It was totally unacceptable behaviour from them and they need to change, not you, op.

borntohula · 01/07/2020 08:56

Oh and I bet he was just GORGEOUS. Some 'men' do it just for the sake of putting women down, I've seen really attractive women have looks-related insults thrown at them. Move on.

Cadent · 01/07/2020 08:58

@Eckhart

The question is, why are you like this? He was horrible. It doesn't matter why. But why are you letting it bother you? That really matters, because he's not doing anything to you right now, and you are choosing to linger in a place that hurts you.

I hate this. OP is hurt because it was a hurtful to thing say. We’re allowed to be hurt sometimes! This is like a weird form of victim blaming.

OP, I hop you find your anger and if this ever happens again, tell them to fuck off. No need to think of equivalent put downs, just be factual and say fuck off, don’t ever comment on my appearance.

HappyDinosaur · 01/07/2020 09:01

Real men don't behave like this, they are just idiots.

Eckhart · 01/07/2020 09:35

@Cadent

This is like a weird form of victim blaming

No it isn't, because it wasn't her fault.

It's a form of giving the victim responsibility, agency, and power, to lead her own life and handle her emotions in a way that means she will be able to move forward, brushing comments like these off, rather than having her self esteem wrecked by some nasty little prat who's spoken a few nasty little words.

It's very similar to your own advice 'OP, I hop you find your anger'

Unless you're thinking that the little prat will come back and apologise to OP, the effect she allows this to have on her is her only power over the situation, now. There's no intimation of victim blaming in that statement.

He was wrong (to put it nicely), but OP's recovery is her own.

OP, I hope you're feeling better this morning.

PicsInRed · 01/07/2020 09:44

One of then thought you looked nice and the other one was a misogynist who got in a two-fer by bullying his colleague and being nasty to a woman all of whom he loathes.

I know it must feel awful, but recognise the woman-hater and try to walk away from it. 💐

RedRocketGirl · 01/07/2020 09:53

@MadameBee I bet if he would have utterly crapped his pants if you had turned around and said loudly 'Sorry I didn't quite catch that, did you have some comment to make about my appearance?. Don't worry love you are quite safe I only go for guys that have more than 2 brain cells...'

Men who do this kind of thing are usually utterly pathetic when called out on it and their mates usually find seeing them get a bit humiliated hilarious. I'm sure you looked fab.

Wecandothis99 · 01/07/2020 09:54

Are you sure he wasn't talking about the sandwich??? Seriously.

dontdisturbmenow · 01/07/2020 09:59

You need to practice your retorts for such situation. A quiet 'if you have regular toe jam to look at, I doubt you've had any woman close enough to your body to stare at!' with a smile.

At least it would make you feel a bit more empowered.

SerenDippitty · 01/07/2020 10:00

That’s shitty OP and I’m so sorry.

Kaiisaclay · 01/07/2020 10:03

He was an absolute twat. I’m sure you looked great

thebabessavedme · 01/07/2020 10:14

It really says more about him than you OP, men who say things like that are losers in love and life and just cant bear women who seem to have the 'power' to attract them, women they would dearly love to date, be seen with etc, they know that you wouldnt have even noticed he was in the room and they just cant cope with any sort of perceived rejection so they are rude and nasty, they think it gives them the 'power' back, his mate was confident enough to point out an attractive woman, had he been alone he may even have had the confidence to speak to you but this man basically bullied him into silence.

Worldgonecrazy · 01/07/2020 10:15

So sorry. Men are like that because they’ve been conditioned to believe their opinion of you is important enough for them to comment. Just as women have been conditioned to believe that a stranger’s opinion of our ‘value’ matters.

Although it happens less now I’m past 40, I do find pretending to be a little deaf and asking them to repeat it, apologise for not quite catching what they said and politely asking them to repeat it For a third time can make some men realise how dickish they sound.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 01/07/2020 10:17

"Why are men like this?"
You should have said 'Why was this man like this?' or 'Why were these men like this?'

These were idiots with one being an arsehole who thinks he is funny.
Don't lump all men together as if they are all the same. I have a husband and brothers and a late father who all behave respectfully towards women. Call out the bad guys but please don't label half the population as arseholes.

You've always felt pretty attractive and just because you've gone up a size in weight during lockdown doesn't mean you are no longer attractive. Try not to give any more head space to these idiots. It really wasn't personal.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 01/07/2020 10:20

I'm so sorry.

Hopefully, there won't be a next time, but if there is practice saying "why would I care what you think you worthless two-inch wonder - I wouldn't fuck you if you if you were the last dick on earth".

Velvian · 01/07/2020 10:54

I think it is fair enough to say "Why are men like this" - it's hardly an isolated incident is it?
Men have to change this behaviour, particularly a problem when groups of men are together, even "respectful" men.

Gulabjamoon · 01/07/2020 10:56

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

Hardly the right time for NAMALT is it?

Although judging by your username you probably also like All Lives Matter.

Eckhart · 01/07/2020 11:00

@Gulabjamoon

Hardly the right time for NAMALT is it

It's reasonable to point out that one prat, not all men, attacked her. 'That man didn't like me' is much easier to deal with than 'No man likes me.'

Gulabjamoon · 01/07/2020 11:05

Yes but it’s probably not the first time men have commented on the OP’s appearance @Eckhart

All the comments to me on my appearance by strangers have been by men. So perfectly reasonable to ask why men are like this.

Brefugee · 01/07/2020 11:08

go back and get a sandwich when it's less busy. Then make a note of the construction company they are working for and complain to the head office. Give date and precise time.

tympanic · 01/07/2020 11:08

@Eckhart

I understand why it bothers the OP. Because it’s hard to understand why people (not just men) feel the need to be arseholes. And it makes you sad for society as a whole. It’s so needless.

My husband had a crack at my belly the other day. Snide little mumble, point and smile. I don’t really have body image issues (got plenty of others to make up for them though!) and just assumed he was right in saying I had piled on some weight in lockdown. Was at my mum’s the other day and weighed my son and I out of curiosity as we don’t have scales. I’m still the same. He, however, is not. He’s negged me before because of his own issues. It’s tedious and disappointing. Helps absolutely no one.

tympanic · 01/07/2020 11:09

@Brefugee

go back and get a sandwich when it's less busy. Then make a note of the construction company they are working for and complain to the head office. Give date and precise time.

And this

FizzyGreenWater · 01/07/2020 11:13

Don't lump all men together as if they are all the same. I have a husband and brothers and a late father who all behave respectfully towards women. Call out the bad guys but please don't label half the population as arseholes.

I've got a very decent husband and some great male friends but I still genuinely believe that the arseholes number probably about 48% of the population. Not 50%, but damn close to it.

Masculinity is overwhelmingly nasty and predatory.

I've no doubt at all that a significant proportion of all the fathers, brothers etc touted on here as 'not like that' - the women championing them would get a nasty shock if they were a fly on the wall if they could see said men in an all-male environment. Sad but something I absolutely believe is true.

NAMALT, but pretty much most of them.

OP, you just consider them as not really properly human. Defective, testosterone-heavy, ignore. Or, if in construction garb, look out for the company name and file a complaint.

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