Why are men like this?

[MadameBee]

So I am a 45 yr old women feeling like shit about my looks right now. Always felt pretty attractive but recently in lockdown put on weight - was a 10/12 now 12/14 I would think.

Today blow dried my hair and everything and felt ok about myself.

Popped out of the office to get a sandwich from Tesco and a loaf of construction workers were in there swarming around the sandwiches and one of them was like eyeing me up (I thought wtf I am old enough to be your mother) and he signalled to his mate who loudly said “what the fuck mate? I have had toe jam that looks better than that”.

I left the shop without getting batting but was swaying between crying or punching him.

[AnneElliott]

Awful blokes who try to make themselves feel better by putting down women. Men who do that are insecure and have something wrong with them.

If they were wearing stuff that identifies them as which employer they work for then definitely report it. I reported a load of blokes having a row on their site in public using the C word over and over again while mums with kids in pushchairs walked past. Reported and the lot of them were fired.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

You've hit the nail on the head I think birthdaybelle. It wasn't about the op. All these sorts of men care about is the opinion of other men. So hurtful for the op, but they don't care about that, because she is a woman. Arseholes.

[Likefootball]

He was just showing off to his mates some men do this.
After all how could he ever hope to know someone as lovely as you ?
Just ignore this moron.

[birthdaybelle]

He did it to take the piss out of his friend rather than as a reflection of you. Men love this kind of "banter" that completely disregards the feelings of those drawn in to it. You could have been Kate Moss he still would have said what he said

[Dieu]

@Brefugee

You are right. Construction companies are trying to move away from the negative sexist image they once had. If I were the OP, I would complain. And that's not something I'd ever do lightly.

[jackdaw141]

Two things -

1. There is a reason why they are buying sandwiches, swearing and eyeing up women in Tesco and it is nothing to do with home-cooking, balanced lifestyle and being capable of having great relationships.

1. You have just invented the perfect collective noun for a group of builders, scaffolders, construction workers etc. It is up there with the best of the rest :

A Troop of Baboons
A Cackle of Hyenas
A Loaf of Construction Workers

[Itwasgoodwhileitlasted]

He is a cunt.

My standby response for this is 'wow, you must have a small cock.'

I am sure you looked lovely op. Please don't listen to them.

[Brefugee]

For fuck sake. Was it a nasty, unpleasant comment? Yes. Was it necessary? No. Was the OP physically injured by it? No. Does someone deserve to potentially lose their job over it? No. Could the speech stasi please stand down. You do not empower women, you weaken them.

can we stop with the Stasi references - it is nothing like the Stasi.

Building companies don't like being brought into disrepute by this kind of catcalling and most have a process for deailing with it which doesn't involve someone losing their job - but does involve warnings about what will happen if they get more complaints from the public.

Women don't have to suck this shit up and nobody should be telling them, effectively, that they do.

[Dieu]

He KNEW you looked good, but couldn't bear the thought of you knowing it. God forbid you should think that highly of yourself It was an attempt to put you down, because he knew he wouldn't stand a chance. Oldest trick in the book.

[Pelleas]

If you want some solidarity, OP, come over to this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3953798-to-ask-if-a-stranger-has-ever-been-nasty-to-you

You are not alone

[corythatwas]

Eckhart, if you'd actually taken the trouble to read the OP's posts you'd have seen that the reason she is vulnerable to this type of behaviour is not exactly a mystery, either to her or to those of us with basic reading skills.

She already knows that she has struggled with her mental health having been sexually exploited as a teenager. We know she knows because she told us. She doesn't need to revisit that part of her life.

What she needs is for not more men to behave in a way that reminds her of the shit(s) who ground her down in the first place.

[tangledhair]

I saw the tag Eckhart thanks but thought there was no need to respond.

[Eckhart]

A majority of 86 per cent currently showing the OP is not being unreasonable

I was one of them.

Was that directed at me? Having tagged you, I assume it's a response?

[tangledhair]

A majority of 86 per cent currently showing the OP is not being unreasonable.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I would have said something to be honest.
'Alright Tom Hardy, oh sorry, got so confused then'

[Eckhart]

@tangledhair

Questioning our own insecurities is one of the main keys to resilience and strong, healthy boundaries. Encouraging OP to explore this is not 'turning it on her'. It's support that will make a difference, if OP chooses to act on it. If she can work out why it bothered her so much, she will be better able to support herself next time someone expresses a negative view of her.

'There there, sweetie, he was just a little twat' will make no difference to her future, or her opinion of herself, and, in my view, is patronising.

[Stingofthelash]

@Beketaten

That's disgusting behaviour and I'm sorry they upset you. They are clearly just stupid and cowardly schoolboys.

Were they wearing anything that identified their employer, or do you know what site they were from? I'd ring or email the company and complain, most construction companies are working really hard to end the bad reputation of their workers in terms of harassing women. Even if they take no action, it might feel good to get it off your chest.

For fuck sake. Was it a nasty, unpleasant comment? Yes. Was it necessary? No. Was the OP physically injured by it? No. Does someone deserve to potentially lose their job over it? No. Could the speech stasi please stand down. You do not empower women, you weaken them.

[tangledhair]

I've had snipey personal appearance comments from the odd man I know which have taken me aback, i.e look at those hairs on your legs, oh you have a bit of a tummy, wtf, some form of put down when perfectly happy going about my day. My legs weren't hairy but so what if they are and I'm fine with it. The other one, his tummy was bigger and I laughed and told him so. Some nasty behaviour out there but have to be careful of the come back to strangers.

[Brefugee]

Some of the - on the face of it - what i thought were the nicest men i knew were absolute gobshites when they were all together. I used to be in the army, and there were very few women where i was stationed. And despite the "give us a fuck" "no" "agrh you skanky lezzer" type of convos that occasionally cropped up, they seemed to forget the few women there were actually women.

And hearing the way they talked about women, even their wives and girlfriends, was just so awful i stopped talking to some of them unless i absolutely had to for work. If I'd never seen that side of them (the armpit sniffing and fart lighting was absolutely harmless compared to this stuff) i would never have believed it.

I saw very few (my DH and some of the other guys i hung out with) ever challenge them on this. Until we started doing it. And drove it, in effect, underground because they finally realised that we would eventually out them in front of wives etc. So I'm afraid if anyone says "their mates call them out" i really really don't believe it that much.

[tangledhair]

The question is, why are you like this? He was horrible. It doesn't matter why. But why are you letting it bother you?

Surely unnecessary and turning it around on the OP in my opinion. OP doesn't need to justify her feelings or reaction when looking for support.

There are many supportive and understanding comments, hope you feel better today OP.

[rosiethehen]

You need to say out loud "the louder the mouth, the smaller the penis" whilst holding up your little finger then bending it over so it looks even smaller.

[BlatheringOn]

ViciousJackdaw Perfect!

[BlatheringOn]

Nothing changes! I remember as a youngster feeling sick with dread when having to walk past construction sites. Whatever they say - complimentary or not is irrelevant - they are just making noise. They do it to 'communicate' but if you want to shut them down comment on penis size: most men are very very insecure about that. Or laugh and wave. Or yawn ostentatiously.
It has hurt you because you dislike the way you look at the moment but his opinion is worthless - yours is the only one that matters. Lots of us have piled on the weight in lockdown and do sympathise! I might work on mine soon - or maybe have one more glass of lovely wine.....

[ViciousJackdaw]

I would have said, very loudly 'Urrgh, you get TOE JAM? Get a bath you dirty fucker!'

[Honeyroar]

However bad you could possibly look you’re never going to look like toe jam. You know it. The bloke is a silly little twat with little intelligence. Don’t give him another minute of your time. I bet, apart from this one pathetic little man, there were lots of people that smiled at you and thought you looked lovely. Come on, don’t let the bastard get you down.