How do you think your parents handled your teen years?

[Eliza72]

There was such a good post on here a while back about how your parents made your childhood. I've bookmarked it as it was so interesting, lots of tips!
However teenage years seem to be a different beast entirely. I thought it would be interesting to ask for reflections of how you thought your parents handled your teen years.
For me I now realise why there were quite so many arguments in our house when I was a teenager (mine are 12 and 14 and could argue in an empty room lol!!) But I'm learning to bite my tongue and let some things just be😁 I want to be a good mum to my teens, it's very hard and we are only at the beginning of our journey.

I turned out all right so not too bad. There was a reasonable mix of discipline & freedom.

BUT my parents didnt really understand how important it is for teenagers to fit in socially (if they want to). My sister & I really were at times the victims of bullies and the hard to tackle version of bullying where girls in particular will just socially exclude someone. We wanted to move school and my parents didnt want us to as they had this mad idea that staying at the school where our parents knew the teachers well & we had a reputation as a naice family would somehow mean we would get better grades & ucas references etc. In reality we would have been fine at the other local school & had a much needed fresh start socially.

My parents also had plenty of money but never wanted to spend it on things that matter quite a lot at school - the french trip (only a handful of kids didnt go, of which we were among them), the activity week trip, having all the right uniform. This didnt help us fit in/make friends. Mum & dad would say "but we are taking you on holiday to france in half term, we aren't spending £200 for you to go with school". This missed the point that those residential build bonds between kids sharing dorms etc, and we were always left out.

Well I was estranged and homeless at 15. Was preferred to abuse and neglect.

So shit
My mother died when I was 12. My father was a gambling addicted abusive alcoholic.
I now joke the one good thing my father did was give me a great "how not to parent" guidebook

I had freedom before I was out of home but I never felt I had a "real home" or family. My friends then WERE family. I trusted them above all else

Great thread. As the parent of a nearly seventeen year old who doesn't drink, or do drugs, has lovely friends and does well at school, but who I would still describe as quite "challenging" to parent, I am v interested in the following post and others like them:

Dad still (I’m in my early 30s) goes on about how “difficult” we were, which is ridiculous as neither of us drank or did drugs, we had a reliable circle of friends and achieved ok at school.

The dad in this example was perhaps far too over-bearing (I would say our parenting style is pretty liberal and not overly strict) and I would never, ever, describe my DD as "difficult", but she certainly does take DH and I up and down some pretty mountainous emotional roller-coasters at times which can be v challenging.

On the other hand, I also remember wondering why my mother was so horrendously strict and over-the-top and distrustful when I was a pretty well-behaved teen too.

It just shows how people can experience and live through the same situation but view it from through a completely different prism and from a different perspective and hold totally opposing views about it years later.

My teen years were weird. My parents definitely just left me to it. There wasn't any rules/curfews, wasn't made to study etc, which I remember thinking was weird as my best friends always had to be home by X time or had to call/text.

Aged 13-15 it worked well for me in a rural secondary school, I got A*'s in class, was a very quiet, introverted and well-behaved student, didn't smoke/use drugs etc.

Once I got to around 16 and went to a city college my mum definitely wanted to be my 'friend' rather than my mum, i.e taking me shopping, not making me study, buying me booze for parties, yet we never talked about anything personal like periods, sex, boundaries, career, budgeting, my future etc.

At college I didn't achieve the A-level results I wanted as I didn't study, and went out all the time drinking with friends with zero restrictions.

It makes me laugh when my mum said I 'went off the rails' at college, yet she was the one enabling me, buying me booze, driving me to friend's house parties, and never ensuring I studied even just a little bit.

I understand she was trying to be nice, however I wish she was stricter, and it honestly makes me angry thinking about it.

We have a pretty good relationship now, but I would never ever parent like she did.

Very badly.

My parents were a weird mix of over-protective in some respects and completely neglectful in others. I was quiet, studious and high-achieving at school and I liked to go out with friends at the weekend; we often went to pubs and clubs (from age 16 onwards) but would be just as likely to spend the evening at someone’s house, playing board games which we had been doing from age 14 or so. My parents often referred to me as a “wild-child” and “out of control” but they did nothing to stop me going out, in fact they encouraged it. I often felt like they didn’t like it but they also wanted me out of the house so they put up with it as the lesser of two evils. In any case, we were although we stayed out late and were drinking, none of us ever got particularly drunk and there were never any problems or drama so I think the wild-child label was a bit unwarranted. Bizarrely, they had no issue with me drinking – they liked a drink anyway and my mum would happily buy me alcohol to drink in the house, they also never really questioned where I went when I went out with friends and didn’t seem bothered about how or when I got home. They did put their foot down though if they thought boys were involved in any way. It didn’t seem to occur to them that I could be meeting all sorts of blokes in a pub but if a boy from my class was going to be heading out in our group, I would be made to stay home. In reality we were a mixed friendship group (male/female) but we were all just friends so I ended up going to great lengths to never mention the guys and never let on that our group was anything more than solely female. I was 15 when I got my first boyfriend, (a guy I’d fancied for years so was on cloud 9 when he asked me out), I knew I couldn’t tell my parents so conducted all sorts of elaborate lies (with two female friends very understanding and backing me up all the way) to spend time with him. Then we ran into one of my mum’s friends at the cinema. I knew instantly that it was all over but my bf just didn’t understand what the big deal was. Of course, by the time I got home, the friend had already called mum who then grounded me instantly and indefinitely, including banning use of the phone. The relationship ended pretty quickly after that and even now, at 42 years old, I’m still sad about both losing that first love and the fact that I couldn’t share any of these formative experiences with my mum; certainly the next time I got into a relationship (which lasted over 18 months), I was extremely careful to cover all traces. My mum was utterly convinced I’d “be stupid enough to get pregnant” which I found really insulting. One of my close friends did actually get pregnant at 17- her parents were amazingly supportive but mine blamed me; I must have led her astray, I would be the next one etc. Eventually they broke me down and I had to admit to them that I wasn’t a virgin; my dad called me a slut and threw a full cup of coffee at my head. Then they threw me out the house; I had to go and live with my grandmother, who wasn’t told why, just that I was too difficult for them and needed to leave home. To be honest, things got a lot better once I was living with my grandmother.
School-wise, as I mentioned, I was quite high achieving. My parents didn’t really encourage me to study, in fact they often moaned at me for being boring and swotty and I was never quite sure how that equated with the wild-child thing. I was always quite self-motivated with schoolwork though so that wasn’t a problem. They would always question me about my marks (“are you top of the class? Good!”) but never actually got involved, didn’t want to give up their evenings to go to parents’ evening, for example, even though I was desperate for them to meet my teachers and hear their opinions of me.

I started my periods at age 10, so not really teenage years, but struggled with heavy bleeds, irregular cycles and lots of pain from the beginning. I would regularly vomit, faint and even hallucinate with the pain. Mum always made sympathetic noises and would get me painkillers, even let me stay off school if it was really bad but she was of the opinion that this is just something a woman has to put up with and would countenance any suggestion of medical investigation or help. I knew that some girls at school had been put on the pill to help with similar issues and eventually worked up the courage to ask my mum if we could see a doctor about that. Unsurprisingly, that did not go down well. There was also one time when I hadn’t cleaned up the toilet properly when bleeding heavily and had left traces of blood. My dad went in after me and saw it. He stormed into my room, picked me up and threw me against the wall for being a disgusting slut.

On the plus side, I was kept fed, clothed and healthy (apart from the period issue – was finally diagnosed with endo at 30) and we had nice holidays and things like that. I knew I was loved but it often felt like love out of duty rather than a genuine emotional connection. My relationship with them now is good but distant and I feel this is fully down to my teenage years and the way our relationship deteriorated and never recovered at that point. They still treat me like a child, even though I’m 42. I genuinely think that in their minds, they “froze” me around age 9-10 and have not been able to recognise or cope with the 30+ years since.

Terribly. It was the late 90s/early 00s.

I was disabled and housebound, unable to go to school for most of the years between 14 - 18. I was left to fend for myself from 13. They’d be at work and also work nights so I could see no one for a few days at a time. They’d get a few cheap ready meals and cup a soups/ pasta in sauce etc and I just had to get on with it.

I couldn’t talk to anyone about my problems (I was badly bullied when I was able to be at school, I was suffering from depression) without being guilt tripped and told “I’d been nothing but worry and I should think about how much pain I was causing them”.

I wasn’t encouraged to be independent despite being left to fend for myself. When I was well I wasn’t allowed to meet up with friends without permission, even in daylight hours. I had to ask for everything, even a biscuit. My mother controlled what I ate to only buying diet foods (at 17 and fairly tall I was 8 stone so hardly obese). She used me like a doll and I had to wear whatever she bought me.

I was told I couldn’t have a boyfriend or kiss anyone until I was 18 and even then they weren’t sure and I’d only be able to meet a boy within the home, we’d have to have dinner with my parents and they’d have to accompany etc.

I wasn’t given any important information about sex or relationships. Just told that sex is a wife’s duty to her husband and that women don’t really enjoy it but have to get on with it. I was horrified and felt like a freak when I was first sexually attracted to a boy and when it was me who wanted to have sex with him rather than the “hoik up your nightie, lie back and think of England” scenario I’d been raised with. No one spoke to me of love, respect, consent, abuse etc. I ended up with very low self esteem. Of course, as a result, even as an adult woman I found myself in abusive situations and thought it was normal and what I deserved. I’m 36 and have never had a loving relationship/been loved. My mum used to buy the special “sex education” issues of teenage magazines like “Cosmogirls 10000 ways to blow your boyfriend’s mind” and inspect the copies to ensure I hadn’t read or touched them . Then she’d proudly declare “my daughter is as pure as the driven snow, she won’t even look at these sex filled magazines”. She’d also stare at me if a boy walked past us to make sure I wouldn’t look at him. I had to look at the floor. Then she’d occasionally accuse me of being a lesbian and would tell Doctors that I had an “absent libido”.

Irony is she’d been a teenage mother. Had slept with quite a few men and lived with men before marriage, had abortions etc. She made me volunteer with a pro-life charity for years to make up for “her mistakes and sins”.

I was constantly threatened with being either abandoned or thrown out. I was just a prisoner really. Occasionally I was hit. Often had things thrown at me, called a slut, bastard, c*nt, locked out of my bedroom so I’d have to sleep on the couch or floor now and again as punishment. Constantly disapproved of for liking certain things. Never allowed to express myself really, have a crush on a guy, even have a favourite colour or band. I had to be what I was told to be.

I was criticised a lot. I was a straight A student, never went out drinking or being a tearaway in any shape or form, never had any boyfriends or rowdy friends, always did my homework on time, etc.
But I believed I was a terrible teen and was in constant trouble for:

• sleeping in
• watching too much TV
• not making my bed
• eating upstairs
• eating in the car
• looking at my phone at the dinner table
• not putting my clothes in the laundry basket
• staying up too late

-spending too much time on the computer

• spending too much time on the landline
• not doing enough to help with the housework
• having to be asked twice to do things
• using sloppy grammar
• leaving apple cores and crisp packets around the place
• not putting my shoes in the cupboard
• not wiping my feet thoroughly enough when I came in
• not turning the TV off at the wall
• not turning off the lights as I left a room
• putting my clothes on the radiator instead of hanging them out to dry
• not taking the dog for enough walks
• not putting the crockery away in the right place
• not putting rubbish in the correct bin
• being late
• not replacing the toilet roll
• wearing mismatched socks
• leaving open books lying around instead of bookmarking and putting them away

... and soooo many more.

Yes, these are all things that needed to be corrected, but it was just nag nag nag nag nag every single day, always passive aggressive, and I just gave up in the end, I didn’t really want to please my parents because I resented the constant nagging so much.

Furious narcissistic controlling mother
Cold superior gaslighting father
Hate them both, couldn't leave home soon enough or get far enough away
Look forward to the feeling of freedom and release upon news of their deaths

[quote morriseysquif]@IAmTheBFG I love that tip for the code word! [/quote]
Thank you, I actually came across it in the book "An American Marriage" about two years ago - the characters in the book are in a relationship and use a code word in their domestic arguements. I think it helps my children feel like they have some control over the situation!

I'm the youngest in a big family so my parents joke that they just left me alone. It suited me well as I always felt loved by them. They are quite old fashioned, so histrionics were never expected, we were expected get on with studies without being told, and my DF worked long hours and left the parenting to DM.

I say it suited me, because I didn't get into any trouble. But my siblings did (drugs, failing courses, MH problems) and I don't think my parents had any idea what to do about it. I'm interested that the easy-going parents get a good write-up, because my elder siblings probably needed a lot more discipline, curfews and checking up on school work.

Parents divorced when I was 10. They attempted to hide their shambles of a marriage by saving their shouting matches until I was asleep (I heard it all from my bed).

Dad was an alcoholic (thankfully he has been sober since) and my mum turned to alcohol as a comfort. The alcohol caused major downers. She tried to kill herself on several occasions.

When she wasn’t on a downer she was “in love” with the latest BF. Most of whom I hated (for legitimate reasons I won’t go into). She’d rather be in a crap relationship than be single. Being single makes you a loser in her estimation.

I don’t touch alcohol (even socially) and, despite also getting divorced, I would NEVER allow my daughter to be introduced to a string of boyfriends. I’d rather be single than be with someone who wasn’t 100% right.

From 12+ I was a latchkey kid. Mum worked until late. I’d never do that.

Needless to say we have a severely strained relationship (very low contact) and I hope things are completely different with my daughter.

I was never spoken to about sex or periods and when I started dating a 29 year old when I was late 17 I felt my mum should have sat me down to explain why she didn't want me to see this bloke as opposed to stopping me altogether. To be fair on the bloke I had told him I was 21. I've never felt close to my mum, I had a brilliant younger childhood.my mum would be devastated to know I have felt close to her. Even now she critisices me everytime i see her, she doesn't realise she's doing it.i feel I have let her down in everything she had hoped for in a daughter

My mum had 4 teenage girls and 2 toddlers. She didn’t know what we were all doing half the time!

I had a good teenhood. We were much more independent than kids are nowadays. I had a Saturday job from age 13. I had freedom but with reasonable boundaries. No rule was unexplained or for the sake of it.

There was an expectation of doing well at school and behaving, but no overt pressure. I didn't want to disappoint them though, so something worked well.

As a pp said above, I had to work to get rules relaxed and then felt resentful of my younger sister who then got to benefit immediately. But at least they did relax rules in an age appropriate way.

My own kids never rebelled either, because there was never anything really to rebel against. They knew the expectations and were trusted to make the right decisions. I never punished them as teens. If they went too far, it was discussed. I'd been fairly strict when they were small so the groundwork had been done. By the time they are teens then, imo it's time to guide, rather than control with rigid rules and punishments. My young as adult dd, says she had good memories. Young adult ds is still being a typical teen, but our friction points tend to be the trivial points of picking up after himself, etc. I let it go for so long then reach the end of my tether and end up moaning.

I grew up in a violent strict home full of domestic violence. My parents split when I was 11 and my mother emotionally neglected me and I basically had to fend for myself from there. I was lucky I was able to find some adult positive role models in way of friends parents. From the age of 12 I was heavily involved in drugs and I was raped at 12 and I will never forget that day went home bleeding and sat in the chair opposite my mum. I was distant and sad and she just ignored me I desperately wanted her to ask me what was wrong and she didn't. She still says to this day I woke up one day when I was 12 and I was horrible!! No mother I was raped and had absolutely no adult support or guidance from you and I rebelled. I rebelled massively but was able to turn it around when I had my own DD I changed my life for her and she is now a stroppy 13 year old but we are really close we cuddle, talking about sex/consent and she knows she can speak to me about anything! She does not have a lot of freedom and this is what I am currently working on, I am scared something bad will happen to her like it did me regularly. However I tell myself she isn't me! She isn't vulnerable like I was. My mum still blames me for her life, said she would never have stayed with my dad if it wasn't for me and I have no contact with my dad and have seen him since he broke my arm when I was 21.

I was treated like a child, not allowed to have a boyfriend or go to parties. Was barely allowed to go to friends' houses. It's a wonder I managed to survive at all.

My parents are lovely people but parenting a teen wasn’t their shining moment. In some aspects they could be neglectful. I was ill from the age of 10 and apart from one GP visit where tests were inconclusive they ignored my condition which led to me being bullied, I didn’t get diagnosed until I took myself off to the GP when I was 16. There was no encouragement or advice when it came to school or further education either, I was just left to get on with it although I was expected to do well.
I never had ‘the talk’ about sex and periods.

On the other hand they could be strict. I had to be in by a certain time when friends were allowed out for longer, I was forbidden from seeing a boyfriend. They were quite old fashioned in their views compared to friends’ parents, but then they were a bit older than others.

I love them to bits but don’t feel especially close to them, I’ve never had the kind of relationship with my mother where I could tell her anything.

Well now, if I was my sister fine.

If I was my brother I had testicles so fine.

I was me and challenged and questioned what were a lot of the time dictats, I didn't get into any trouble, didn't do drugs or teenage drinking but just having a mind was a tad tricky for my father, and my mother never told him to wind his neck in.

He is dead, she thinks that everything is ok now and it is on a superficial level, but by God I will have earned my inheritance.