How do you think your parents handled your teen years?

[Eliza72]

There was such a good post on here a while back about how your parents made your childhood. I've bookmarked it as it was so interesting, lots of tips!
However teenage years seem to be a different beast entirely. I thought it would be interesting to ask for reflections of how you thought your parents handled your teen years.
For me I now realise why there were quite so many arguments in our house when I was a teenager (mine are 12 and 14 and could argue in an empty room lol!!) But I'm learning to bite my tongue and let some things just be😁 I want to be a good mum to my teens, it's very hard and we are only at the beginning of our journey.

I think very well generally (particularly when I compare my own parenting of my teenager ). They were fairly strict but I can fully understand why, they were very supportive, always giving me and my friends lifts to and from places, they encouraged me to get a weekend job & do babysitting, my DM & I had a few weekends away to nice places (Paris was one of them) & lots of shopping trips to London, theatre visits etc. They were very patient when I went through the usual teenage angst and had a series of unsuitable boyfriends.

I feel very fortunate when I read about so many dysfunctional families on Mumsnet .. I've always taken my upbringing for granted but I realise I am actually very lucky (& still have both my parents even though I am over 60 ) and they are still just as loving and supportive.

Nellydean21

"Interesting that most posters say independence with parents who didn't really interfere is a good thing to which I agree as it was my experience."

You see at a gut level I don't agree with this: my experience was far too much independence but without much guidance and support. And while it had its advantages, it left me feeling very lonely and unsupported as a teenager.

I realise this may be a case of the grass having been greener, but in retrospect I have often wished my parents had been tougher with me -- but with a greater interest in and involvement in my emotional life.

But it may be that they did the best job under difficult circumstances.

Yes I get that but the undercurrent of structure was there for me, like routine, expectations although unspoken had been built up. Its like the ground work was done.

Maybe place in family matters, I'm the youngest of 6 so the path was paved and in a small community the elder teens kept an eye out. That's crucial now that I think of it.

My parents handled it very well. They gave me the right amount of freedom and I was able to speak openly to them, especially my Mum about the usual teenage problems knowing they wouldn't criticise me. My friends were always welcome and they actually enjoyed hanging out at my house even when my parents were home, we lived close to my school and I would often bring home 4 or 5 friends at lunchtime and my Mum would happily make lunch for everyone.

I strive to be like them with my own 2 daughters and often ask my parents advice. I generally have a similar relationship with my teens, but do feel I annoy them more than my Mum annoyed me.

Mine quite well. They were quite different to many other parents in terms of lifestyle (very intellectual, non-drinkers, quite easily shocked, quite old-fashioned in their ways), but also had a great respect for other people's dignity and a willingness to listen. I respected them back and didn't mind holding off on things that might upset or shock them. They weren't hung up on sex so that was quite nice.

Quite happy to let us have some freedom. Knew they could trust us and were right. Were very aware that we were gradually growing into adults. Not really into punishments.

My mother had some mild MH problems which meant she could be emotional and irrational at times, but she also had a great deal of self awareness and didn't hold us responsible for her problems.

Badly. I love them, they're good grandparents but I don't think they were good parents to me, I've realised now that I wasn't a bad child and my behaviour was not my innate personality but a symptom of something missing. Affection.

My Dad was emotionally abusive. It has f*cked me up for life despite being completely aware and having had lots of counselling. I am sadly incapable of forming healthy relationships with men. My Mum was loving and kind but I dearly wish that they could have talked to me about sex, consent, self respect. I was reading really adult literature as a young teen and aspired to be a high end escort as the life style sounded so glamorous. I just didn’t get any guidance whatsoever about boundaries or relationships. They were also terrible role models when it came to money management and told me never to worry, it would always come from somewhere. I think they gave me too much freedom in some ways without giving me the know with-all to deal with it and consequently I put myself in risky situations and paid the consequences. But I think my Mum did her best. A lot of focus was put onto my sister as she had a lot of talents that I didn’t have. I think it is really important if you have more than one child not to make the other one feel second best.

My mum was in denial.
Sex and drugs were completely forbidden topics. We could not talk about them.
Drinking was ok, as she did that too.
She told us we had loads of freedom because she let us go out at night, but we had to be home really early and could not stay over anywhere ever, in case we had sex.
Contraception was never discussed.
I had a boyfriend from ages 14-16 who was lovely. I was in love and of course we had sex, in the daytime. I had so many near misses and could easily have ended up a pregnant teen.
When I was 18 I wanted to go to France with my boyfriend. She said no because I might sleep with him. I went anyway.
I then got heavily into drugs in my early 20s.
I don't know how I will navigate all this with my children, but I will definitely talk about respect and contraception in a relationship. Not least because I have a boy (and girls).

I was given a fair amount of freedom and not really pushed and I was actually a really well behaved teenager, probably because I didn't have too many rules to push against. One thing my parents did get right - and I aim to always do myself - they were incredibly welcoming to all my friends and boyfriends. I saw some of my peers sticking with unsuitable boyfriends just because their parents didn't approve. It was only about 20 years later they started telling me honestly what they had thought of "some of the specimens I brought home"!

Well, in that I have no particular memories of any incidents, but we all grew into well rounded adults and I think have all parented our own teens pretty similarly, which is testament in itself I suppose..
That said, I don't think any of us were particularly challenging as teens.

They let me have a boyfriend stay over at 14 they let me go out clubbing at 15 they didn’t even talk to me about my emotional well-being so basically I’m doing the opposite with my teenage son

Mummadezze it sounds like your father was the problem. Have you had counselling to unpack the effect he had on? I'm so sorry to hear this. X

Not well. Most of that was less to do with me being a teenager, though, and more my dad’s desire to control everyone and everything. My childhood was marked with him controlling mum, and my teen years saw him controlling me too.

By the time my sister hit those years my dad was unwell and totally disengaged from her and she’s gone completely the opposite way to me - I am determined never to be dependent on a person for anything, she is still happy to be the ‘child’ in any scenario (something she’s replicated in her relationship).

I definitely don’t have the magic answer for when my kids are teens but I know they’ll be growing up in a house where respectful and equal relationships are modelled (via DH and I) so that gives me a little more hope!

My parents were generally very good. Only thing I would say is that they were too strict and I didn't make the most of my youth because I was quite a goody goody two shoes and my parents didn't approve.

So the one difference with my children is that I encourage my children to explore more, go on trips etc... I am more relaxed if they go out drinking etc.

However, the one thing I do have on my side is that we live in a village. So my DD always needs a lift home. Means she drinks etc but can never get too drunk.

My parents basically just ignored me. If I mentioned any problems I was told to shut up because I was upsetting my mother. If I was unhappy about something I was told that’s the way things are, nothing we can do about it so shut up. My mother would often say why can’t you just be normal, nobody else’s daughter has problems. Essentially they didn’t want to know because they found it upsetting - it was all about their feelings. Meanwhile I was bulimic, bullied, suffered from depression, had no friends and frequently considered suicide. It’s not a parenting approach I’d recommend.

Honestly, the more I think about it the more I can't understand why I am not more fucked up.
I've name changed for this.
From the age of 4, I was sexually abused by a family member as was my older sister. Now I have my own children, I can never fully understand understand why my mum didn't notice, say something, or just ask.
I had a break down last year and after 30 years of keeping it a secret I finally told my DH and sought councilling.
I was a very sensitive child and that is something that has never left me and was starting to creep into my job (along side some crippling anxiety but I seem to be on the mend.) When I reached my teens I became angryand rebelled but not in typical sense as I was too afraid of my mum, who was strict, contolling and at times violent to maintain order. She maintained better relationships with my siblings so I stuck out like a sore thumb when I wouldn't comply.
My abuser still lived in the house but it stopped when my period started.
AT 16 I had a huge interest in boys and failed my a levels. I never told my mum what I was up to (It wasn't even that bad - just a fumble in the car etc) I self harmed terribly and both parents turned a blind eye and accepted my excuses.
It's meant that I tell a lot of white lies to cover up and protect myself, although less so these days.
In contrast, I can also say that although I was a difficult teen for my mum, I love her hugely and now notice all the sacrifces she made for us. I still do not see how she didn't notice there was a problem or why she didn't ask. My actions were a cry for help.
On the outside you would never ever suspect there were problems. We were church goers and a respected family that liked to help in the community. And when I say I rebelled it was in the form of self harm more than anything else.
At 19 I went on to meet a wonderful man who is now my DH. He is 21 years older than me and more control ensued from my mum (I can see why!) but I knew he was the one for me and we've been together 15 years. I always feel for my older sister. She was compliant and did everything she was told to do and has a good relationship with my mum but she has never found love or had a boyfriend.
I won't say it was the best teenage experience but also not the worst, I do have happy memories too and if I discount the sexual abuse then I would say it was fairly normal. I do know that I will never let anything go with my children (let's hope I doesn't drive them crazy!)

Terribly, and having my own teens has only made me feel this more.

My parents essentially gave up once we were seen as all old enough to take care of ourselves in a basic way - as long as we weren't bothering them, they didn't care what we did. We had free range 95% of the time, the other 5% was dealing with the damage or they wanted to show off to others (discipline pretty much only happened in front of others). My mother thought she was so awesome and young because she drank and smoked pot in front of us and wanted us to join in - at least my father hid his most of the time. My brother ended up expelled and under house arrest in 10th grade and my sister ended up in a high school program for those whose drug problems meant they wouldn't graduate otherwise which didn't surprise me.

I now have two teens and I cannot figure out what was going through my parents' heads (other than recreational drugs). I'm younger than they were and I look at my 15 year old towering over me, and he still looks so young. We have so many conversations I never had with my parents from his work and what he wants with his future to just daily life stuff and hobbies. I help him prioritise and plan things out, something I would have desperately loved at his age as I was left to flounder. He also has a far more limited internet life than I did, having not left him to it as I was. I'd can't even imagine wanting to get him drunk or wanting to get drunk with him.

Maybe they'll hate it some day, I'm sure there are pros and cons/great stories and terrible ones to many parenting methods, but I want my kids to be supported through what are some difficult years as they figure things out, not feel like they've been pushed off the deep end into adulthood as I was. Total freedom felt great at times, but most of it was lonely and shite. I'm just glad I could get out when I did, I worry about teens in similar situations now as it's so much harder.

It's so easy to criticise our parents, who quite honestly most were doing their absolute best in their circumstances.

And sometimes that best was hopelessly inadequate. Though yes, in my parents' case, it was out of ignorance, not malice -- they were both from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds, and had absolutely no idea that parenting growing children required any more than basic food and clothing.

I feel very sorry for my teenage self, when I look back -- my wants were so modest. I fantasised about somewhere quiet to do my homework, to be allowed to read without being called lazy, and for my parents to support me staying on at school and trying for a university scholarship.

I also wanted a bathroom bin and a cupboard to keep sanitary towels in, as our house was tiny and awkwardly laid out, with all the rooms leading out of one another, so (as there was no storage or bin in the only loo), a teenage girl dealing with periods for the first time had to walk through the living room and kitchen trying to hide a tampon/bloodstained clothes.

But my mother wouldn't hear of it, because we shared the house with my father's father, my father's elderly uncle and my father's brother, and men couldn't be expected to deal with the sight of a box of tampons in a cupboard.

How do you think your parents handled your teen years?

Badly. They refused to trust me, always said I lied and made things up, accused me of getting up to all sorts, searched my cupboards and school bag, refused to accept if I had an opinion that differed from theirs, told me I didn't need friends because I had siblings, interrogated me if I was 5 minutes late from school, insisted on collecting me from my part time job (which they demanded housekeep out of my pay from the age of 13)

I left home at 17. Just packed up my stuff and fucked off.

For the record I was too scared to do any of the things they accused me of because my father was a bully and would happily spank all of us if any one of us did anything wrong. I know he's a bastard and my mother is equally bad because she would gleefully tell him of any slight misdemeanours knowing he would go into a roaring rage and rampage around hitting us until everyone was in tears. He pulled the bookshelves off the wall one Sunday teatime because there wasn't a cheese knife on the table.

My teen years were really odd, to be honest.

My mum decided I was going to attend the school she taught at and I absolutely cringe now if any teacher friends suggest this as a solution to childcare! I felt very much tied up in her identity and also being a daughter of a teacher had to behave perfectly, even really harmless little rebellions were out and even something as innocuous as a forgotten exercise book would lead to her finding out and being ashamed in front of her colleagues

Also both parents were awful with privacy and thought nothing of walking into my room telling me it wasn’t my room, it was theirs, because it was their home.

My mother died when I was 16, and from years of intense parenting - forced to study in spare time and carted everywhere with them and so on - my dad completely lost interest, decided I’d grown up, and moved out! So 13-16 I had no space and could barely breathe and then from 17 onwards I lived alone!

Some middle ground would have been nice

Not very well. Mum seemed to really resent me. Both of my parents had fun, free teenage years but they restricted me terribly. They didn't do that with either of my siblings though. I was very lucky to have my nan to discuss periods etc with, because my mum refused and made it very hard on me; she wouldn't buy me pads or deodorant, for example. I wasn't allowed a paper round or anything like that, but was then hounded to get a job when I got to GCSE age. I never understood why they behaved like that. I was a very quiet, high achieving kid. Never touched any drink/cigs etc. Late starter with boys. Punished nevertheless. I won't be having my own kids.

I was fed and watered but that was it, no fashion clothes as such told I was fat, would never amount to anything, not allowed posters, not encouraged to go out make friends apart from school friends. Non on my estate. No talk about sex relationships.

Mine were strict with my older sibling who went off the rails pretty spectacularly. By the time I got to parties and drinking as a late bloomer my behaviour seemed tame by comparison so they didn’t interfere.

I think they lacked emotional intelligence though. We never talked about anything personal like periods or sex. I know they thought about it (boyfriend not allowed to stay over etc.) but it was never said out loud.

Somethings I will take into my DC teenage years - I could always ask for a lift home, I had privacy. But I try to be more honest and open with my DC.

for those who had a bad time

I had a lot of freedom, my parents talked to me about the drugs they had done as teenagers and it made me never want to do it. I think by not having anything to rebel against it meant I wasn't doing things because it felt out of bounds. I had a 21 year old boyfriend who would stay over when I was 17 (We are now having a baby together 7 years later so think my mum always knew he was a good egg!)

I dropped out of sixth form as I worked two jobs and now earn more than my parents but they just let me do whatever I wanted to. I think they were probably shitting their pants but they never let on to me and it paid off, I'm a total square who owns my house at 23 and have a really stable relationship so it all worked out well in the end!

Generally quite well, but I do think my dad sometimes struggled to connect to or understand teenage girls which caused him to freak out a bit more than he needed to. I started my first period when it was just him and me in the house and he had no idea what to say of how to manage it. Luckily my mum had already bought me towels in advance so I figured it out!

He seemed more chilled out when my younger sister became a teenager - I think I was the practice round!!