How do you think your parents handled your teen years?

[Eliza72]

There was such a good post on here a while back about how your parents made your childhood. I've bookmarked it as it was so interesting, lots of tips!
However teenage years seem to be a different beast entirely. I thought it would be interesting to ask for reflections of how you thought your parents handled your teen years.
For me I now realise why there were quite so many arguments in our house when I was a teenager (mine are 12 and 14 and could argue in an empty room lol!!) But I'm learning to bite my tongue and let some things just be😁 I want to be a good mum to my teens, it's very hard and we are only at the beginning of our journey.

My parents loved me and certainly cared for me, but they obviously had a problem with me becoming an adult. They fell pregnant with me when they were engaged and had to quickly marry, DM was 20. I think this clouded her attitude to sex and relationships. I was told to wait till I married and even then sex wasn’t important (this was early 1980’s). Consequently contraception was never discussed as in their minds, especially DM’s there was no need as I would be a virgin when I married. When she found my pill when I was 19 and had been in a relationship for over a year I was told I was ruined and that no one would ever marry me. Despite never being in trouble at school (school reports always described me as quiet and conscientious) I can remember a disagreement when I childishly told her she sounded like a goody two shoes whilst a teenager. Her response was ‘yes I was,I have never ever done anything wrong, I’ve always done the right thing’. I think I was expected to be this perfect person, be the person they had decided I should be (they even told me what job I had to take when I left school after my O levels. I wasn’t allowed to stay in education any longer). Consequently I cannot talk to my parents, lied and still lie to them regularly (if a boyfriend ended a relationship with me I had to say I ended it or they would presume I had done something ‘wrong’). My younger brother was preferred. I developed a few pimples in my teens. This I was told was because I was (again) doing something ‘wrong’ as they didn’t have spots in their teens. A couple of years later my DB developed the most awful skin. DP’s couldn’t do another for him, even taking him to the doctors for treatment. DM had even refused to buy me any Clearasil (remember the blue liquid!). They have always been over invested in my life but have eased off a little which i think is partly to do with them mellowing in old age but also because I think they realise my DP of 10 years would give them a piece of his mind. The obvious consequence of all this was that I ran a little wild when I was occasionally let off the leash, and now suffer from very low self esteem (have a couple of abusive relationships under my belt). They didn’t think I had tried hard at my last relationship when we split (15 years, one DS) otherwise we wouldn’t have separated. It wasn’t until he beat up a girlfriend and narrowly avoided jail that they acknowledged me and DS were better off without him. Didn’t get an apology though. There’s lots more. Do love them, but it’s hard to forget. I actually feel guilty writing this as it feels disrespectful.

I was an utter dickhead as a teen....just awful.

BUT...my DM always made me culpable for my actions and reactions, and was honest that shit things happen/you'll find it easy to fuck up and upset people even when you didn't mean to. I appreciate that a lot now.

I'm responsible for my own feelings and reactions. Love that.

It's difficult. I was adopted when I was 10, so wasn't your average teenager, but my parents could be quite disconnected and old-fashioned. There was a very big divide between me and them - they seemed so alien and their expectations were definitely too high; they had very little tolerance for errors or mistakes.

That said, adopting a ten year old is a hellish challenge and they adored the life out of me, taught me to hold myself to a high standard and I excelled because of that. They taught me love, they taught me consistency, they taught me kindness and they gave me roots. I can't speak highly enough of them, because despite their old-fashioned ways, they are the reason I didn't end up a cliched teen going down a terrible route.

With my own DC I try to be a mix of their best points and the things I think are important. I think that's the best way to parent - you take the things from your own childhood which you value and leave the things you didn't like/want/need.

Parents are flawed, they make mistakes and they can only do what they're able to do. I hope that my own DC will grow up to love me regardless of the inevitable mistakes I'm making during their childhoods. I hope that my love for them will help them forgive the bits I get wrong.

I was the nightmare teenager from hell. I absolutely squirm when I think about what I did to my poor mother. Karma’s a bitch though,I got it back in spades during my son’s teenage years.

My parents were Great. They completely trusted me, allowed me freedom within reason. Fair. I have no complaints at all - were really close now.

It's so easy to criticise our parents, who quite honestly most were doing their absolute best in their circumstances.

I don't criticize my parents because it's easy, it actually took me years to be able to do it without guilt. Being raised in a 'family is always right' community, I gotta question what benefit is there this idea. I've also never understood this assumption. I've not really seen any evidence to support this assertion - or that even if they were trying their best (which isn't the same as doing), that that should be the most important thing.

It isn't made of spouses or long-term partners - we don't assume everyone in a committed relationship is doing their 'absolute best'. We don't make it of friends. We don't make it of most professions - people will be fired even if they're doing their best - and even those who are socially assumed to be trying their best, we fully recognize that every profession has lazy apples and protections are put in place more and more to deal with that in many professions to prevent them hurting others. Society generally doesn't even give that attitude to kids.

It's just seems to be parents who get that blank cheque to do whatever and then we'll just go 'oh we all fuck our kids up'. Is it because most people end up as parents? Quickest stats I could find, likely off, says 89% of adults become parents - are we really saying most of that 89% of adults in the world are doing their absolute best at parenting? I think there is a big difference in recognizing no parent is perfect and thinking most are doing their absolute best to whatever subjective standard we want to apply. That seems a big overstretch to protect an ideal that has nothing to do with reality - and it's an ideal that ends up making it harder for kids whose parents went beyond a little fuck up to get help. I lost count of how many times I was told X parent was trying their best as if that excused them going on benders.

Really badly. My Dad was abusive and my mum stood by and let happen - Not really her fault though he was abusive to her too.
I wasn't given any freedom, no phone calls, no going out or socialising at weekends or after school, no allowance, hit, shouted at. It ended up having the complete opposite effect that my Dad wanted. I stopped coming home, started drinking and doing drugs and was completely miserable. I was also bullied horrendously by my "friends". Horrible, shitty years. Luckily, I have turned my life around and it has taught me not what to do as a parent.

Brilliantly. I was given lots of freedom as long as they knew I was safe and they were always there to support me. My dad, bless him, would pick me up from parties in the small hours of the morning without a quibble. (He was a night owl by nature so was probably still up watching a John a Wayne film!) My mum was great too. I wasn’t a wild child by any means so they knew I wouldn’t be out causing trouble and they were totally cool when either me or by brother got into a little bit of mischief, eg. when my friend’s mum caught us smoking aged about 13! 10/10 for top parenting.

Completely and utterly useless. It's why I've been virtually no contact for decades. Not through any major issues, they just weren't cut out to be parents. Disinterested father, and a mother whose stock response was 'no' to literally everything, and a screaming, abusive apoplectic rage if you had the temerity to try and interact with her at the wrong arbitrary point in time. She wasn't shy in raising her hands for no reason whatsoever either. Openly favoured one sibling over the others as well, to the extent that she'd completely ignore the favoured one doing something, and lamp hell out of the others for the exact same thing. She's marginally more personable now, but has never acknowledged or apologised for being an utter waste of space when I actually needed a mother.

Not well at all.
I no longer speak to them for many reasons but I am not angry anymore.
They were imperfect people that didn't have a clue about anything.
I forgave them long ago and let it go.

My dad was a policeman and would often go to see parents of missing teenagers. He would ask fo they have a boyfriend/girlfriend and the parents would say oh no they are far too young. The kids were forbidden to have a girlfriend/boyfriend so they did what teenagers do and lie to their parents. As a result my dad never stopped me having a boyfriend but there were rules I had to abide by. So from the age of 14/15 I had a boyfriend. Dad wanted to see him the first time we went out and also wanted his address. Again because when a teenager goes missing the police want the address of their friends and with a secret boyfriend/girlfriend no one knows where the hell they could be. This was a brilliant plan of my dads , it meant I never had to lie and he felt I was as safe as he could keep me without putting me in bubble wrap. I didn’t do everything the same when it came to parenting my child but re dating I absolutely did

Don't parent your teens differently. Unfortunately my mother favored our brother,my father our baby sister and my twin and I were disciplined much differently. The middle child syndrome,I suppose.

Although we had a dad, he was at work a lot and didn't really have a lot to do with us.

It was fine. Luckily we have an amazing mum.

I had a lot of freedom, but my mum was so open and available for us so if I had any issues I know I could go to her to talk things through and for hugs or anything at all I needed.

Ask my 2 older sisters though, they might have a different story.

TBH, we gave them a pretty easy job. My brother was a bit of a so-and-so in his tweens and early tweens, but we were quite nice teens.

I realise, having seen my DH do not so well at this, that our parents never snapped at us, so we didn't learn to speak to one another disrespectfully in our family, and I don't think any of us would have dreamed of being snarky at my parents, so we never were.

They gave us trust and in return we didn't want to betray that trust by doing anything (too) daft. It made life easier that none of us went out before age 16 (maybe as we all looked very young) and rather than bothering with curfews the rule was basically we told them what our plans were for the evening/night and if we might stay over someone's. And because they hadn't been gits to us, we were honest about what we were doing.

We weren't angels, there was a fair amount of drugs (certainly in my older siblings' case) but we had mates, were doing well at school, so there was no reason for them to be on our case - they picked their battles. Things like clothes, music and hair were non-issues (in fact my mum loved and encouraged my weird style, dyed hair etc)

Sadly watching my DH's parenting I realise how you end up with sterotypical teenagers - DD (12) is already slamming doors and overreacting, particularly with him, and not wanting to be honest with him when things go wrong. I predict warfare and also my kids telling me to keep things from their dad once they hit their teens.

I was allowed to do whatever I wanted. I worked part time from 14 so had the money to do as I wanted. My mother made it crystal clear that she did not want to be bothered. My Dad was also unavailable. I had low self esteen and made some poor choices. I look back in horror at all the things that could have gone wrong but didnt. My sister reacted to my parents parenting by being very controlling and strict with her teenagers. It seems to have the same results. It seems if you are extremely liberal or extremely strict, your teenager will have a difficult time. I am hoping that I am more balanced.

My dad was far too strict with my social life. Always so suspicious without reason. By about 15 I was sick of it, drank too much, smoked like a trooper, and was pregnant at 17.
Something they did let me piss up the wall was my education. No one ever told me to study, or stick in at school. I'm surprised I got the grades I did in my exams. Not a lot of good it's done me though.

I'm also still pissed off ant the fact I was made to get a job at 14, and pay dig money by 16, yet my younger brother is now 24 and still lives at home for free and didn't have a job at all until he was about 20.

Not great tbh. But if you asked them, they would say brilliantly as I got all As and A*s in my GCSEs and As in my A Levels. As if that’s the only thing that matters 🙄. They were very strict about education and doing well at school.

My dad worked long hours and was often abroad, so had little to do with my teenage years and I couldn’t talk to my mum about anything. She was unapproachable and we just didn’t have a close relationship. She didn’t talk to me at all about periods and I never mentioned it either. I knew where she kept the pads/ tampons and eventually she just started buying more. She left me with a whole host of body insecurities as she would make passive aggressive comments about my weight and despite having big boobs herself, she would make horrible comments about how big they were.

I am a fantastic liar and I honed my skills as a teenager. My parents knew nothing of the drinking, drugs and wild house parties. Or the boyfriend I had! If I had ever gone missing they would have confidently told the police they knew all of my friends. Truthfully they had no idea. They only ever knew about the “acceptable” friends! Like a previous poster, I too look back in horror when I think about all of the risky situations I got myself into where no adult knew where I was or what I was doing.

I think my parents thought because I did hours of extra curricular activities and did well at school, everything was fine and I wouldn’t have time to be “bad”. I was good at hiding things, but there was a lot they didn’t question. Even now, there’s a lot of things they don’t know about my life as I only really reveal an edited version to them. I don’t have children, but I would hate to not know the “real” them.

@AriadneCrete so much of your post I could have written. Parents were so ridiculously strict (dad particularly, mum v distant) I just became an excellent liar in response. Also had problems since with trusting my own decisions and boundaries with people. However with therapy and many self help books I've gotten over much of it, and relearn what I need to for myself. The dangerous situations and risky behaviour I out myself in when young, and abusive behaviour i tolerated in my first significant relationship make me shudder 20+ years on. Fortunately I have done well in life regardless, despite some mental health issues.

My mother ran off with my best friends father when I was 14 so not very well you could say

Mostly very well, I had a lot of independence, and I have a great relationship with my parents now. But when I was 11-14, I had some serious disagreements with my mum about schoolwork (she was a teacher). Some of it was my fault, because I was lazy about the subjects I didn't like, but she interfered so much that I got into spirals of lying and covering things up, and being "on report". She also spoiled my enjoyment of my good subjects, by making me do extra work in them. When she realised that I simply wouldn't take important advice from her, she got other family members (grandparents) to tell me instead.

Also, I had some issues in that I was afraid of being talked out of things; so as an older teen, or young adult, if I had some plan, such as a new job or activity, I didn't tell them about it until after I'd started it, in case they tried to talk me out of it.

My mum was only 20 when I was born, her and my dad hadn't been together long before getting pregnant and she still lived at home until a month before I was born, she was always quite frightened of doing anything wrong and so was quite strict with me, she panicked big time when I asked to go on the pill at almost 17 and sex was not ever really mentioned, I wasnt allowed to do things my friends were pub/clubs etc so I lied about where I was a lot and would sleep over at friends although once she did tell me after finding a nightclub stamp on my hand when I'd previously told her I was just going to my friends that she was quite proud of me for being brave enough to break the "rules" I think that was probably the moment she realised I was almost an adult and would have to learn through my own mistakes and that she couldn't protect me from the big bad world completely, I then had to just let her know before 11pm if I was staying out and our relationship became a lot better no more lying and actually some of the things I hated as a child I will still probably do with my own when they become teenagers (not the lack if sex ed/contraception/freedom though haha).

Mine was a real mixed bag, and a lot of the bad outweighed the good. I feel a bit vulnerable posting on a thread where people are trotting out “it’s easy to criticise, they were doing their best”. Having experienced my own childhood I reserve the right to say which bits were shit for me. Anyway...

What was good: supportive of my interests and hobbies. Wouldn’t dream of telling me what subjects to choose or pushing me towards a particular degree or career, unlike some friends’ parents. Encouraged success, but didn’t pressure. Lots of freedom, willing to pick me up from parties etc. Generous with money but didn’t spoil me.

What wasn’t good...

My dad didn’t understand teenagers, or bother trying to. My older brother wasn’t much trouble, so when I became sullen, rebellious, complained about being bored etc, he just got really cross and took it as me being disrespectful - eg would get really mad at me for complaining about feeling embarrassed by my parents / wanting him not to do embarrassing things. Eg he once yelled at me in front of my friends and couldn’t understand why I complained about being embarrassed.

My dad was also supposedly depressed throughout much of my teen years and he was the only person in the house who got a free pass for his behaviour. Now I think that’s abusive. He could be in a mood and make everyone miserable, and not have to control himself, but I couldn’t.

Also. Not taking my problems seriously, including my mum ignoring the fact that I was self-harming. Invading my privacy, eg barging into my room.

You see at a gut level I don't agree with this: my experience was far too much independence but without much guidance and support. And while it had its advantages, it left me feeling very lonely and unsupported as a teenager.

DH was an only child. His parents never put any restrictions or pressure on him, he just did his own thing, and he says the same, and that he never felt like they cared very much about him.

I was brought up in care in a group home. We weren't allowed out, there were many rules - from what we wore to what we read, when we slept and ate, what we watched on tv and who we mixed with. And then at 17 we were kicked out with £20.

Yes it shaped me, even if they weren't my parents. I grew up strong and independent with great determination.

My two sons (18&21) are adorable. They've never given us a moments trouble. As young teens they were allowed to have their say and listened to. We treat them with respect and they respond in kind. We had boundaries but fair ones, no rules just for the sake of it but the few we had (ie mum is boss ), we like humour, they were expected to keep. We didn't, and still don't, argue or shout.

I hope that they feel in the future that their teen years were positive ones.

My parents were deep in their own troubles. My teenage years were absolutely miserable and appalling. I was very unhappy at home.