How do you think your parents handled your teen years?

[Eliza72]

There was such a good post on here a while back about how your parents made your childhood. I've bookmarked it as it was so interesting, lots of tips!
However teenage years seem to be a different beast entirely. I thought it would be interesting to ask for reflections of how you thought your parents handled your teen years.
For me I now realise why there were quite so many arguments in our house when I was a teenager (mine are 12 and 14 and could argue in an empty room lol!!) But I'm learning to bite my tongue and let some things just be😁 I want to be a good mum to my teens, it's very hard and we are only at the beginning of our journey.

Very badly. In hindsight, the details are horrific, but it just seemed ‘normal’ at the time, so I blamed all my emotional problems on myself. My teenage years were utterly horrendous, mainly because of my parents.

Terribly. They treated me like a child even when I left home.

I was financially abused, I wasn't allowed to work, then I was allowed to work for my dad but I didn't get paid regularly and when I did I had to explain to my mum what I wanted to buy.

I had to be in at 11pm on a Saturday, the only evening I was allowed out. I would go out to meet a group at a pub, we would go round the pubs then I'd walk across town to get the bus that took the slow route and dropped me off a 10-15 min walk home.

The people who I had left would get the bus that took the short route and passed my front door. It would have got me home for 11.10pm.

I had a boyfriend, we had been out in his car one evening to go to a particular chip shop, on the way back the weather got worse and we realised it had been snowing for a while. We got to bf home first where I phoned home and was told I had to get to my home, the other side of the town.

I couldn't get a taxi and bf, understandably did not want to go out in a snow storm.

I think bf's mother must have said something to mine because I was so under the thumb I was going to walk from one side of town to the other, in thick snow, without suitable clothing.

I was then allowed to stay the night. In the spare bedroom.

I wasn't allowed to leave school at 16 and I also wasn't allowed to go to college to take an art course (my second choice) but I had to go to the VI form at my brother's school which only taught A Levels (badly) and the art department was so underfunded they ran out of drawing paper.

So I started taking a day off, here and there, then more. I went to a wedding a couple of years later and met some people who had been in lower VI when I was in upper VI, we didn't know each other.

On the whole very well. I sometimes craved those parents in American sitcoms who would sit their teen down with ice cream and talk about things but we didn’t really do that. They would have listened but they never heard the sub text maybe I lacked confidence or was lonely sometimes.
I got a lot of freedom and had good friends to enjoy it with but they still cared and wanted to know who I was with and where.
My mum would pick me up anywhere and everywhere New Year after the taxi had failed to arrive 3am call mum and she would come.
I never took that for granted my friends used to be shocked that I could call her as their parents would never come, but thinking back now at 17 would I want my own DD trying to walk miles home down a main road at 3 in the morning no way. Still it was only ever my mum we could call.
So in short be there but not in your face just that reliable safety net in the background. Talk if they want to and always offer that hug if they will let you.

I am really close to my parents now, but there is lots of defects in me that I attribute to how I was parented. I’ve had it addressed in CBT therapy.

On one level, boarderline emotional neglect. I was always fed and we had nice holidays, but I was not bought clothes after the age of about 10. I remember having to wear my school shirts at weekends and having to rely on birthday and Christmas gifts of clothes from extended family members. Then after age of 16, from my Saturday job wages at a cafe.

When I started my periods I couldn’t tell my mum. I remember going to the supermarket after school with her that day, where I wanted to tell her so we could buy sanitary products. I was saying to myself “tell her by the end of this aisle”.... which turned into the next aisle and the next aisle...

I had horrendous heavy periods which caused me all sorts of problems. A super plus tampon I would put in the minute before I left for school was leaking before the end of registration. So many blood stained clothes and sheets Mum would just wash without a word at best, or humiliate me at worst. I didn’t understand it wasn’t normal and she offered no help. Ended up collapsing at school with dizziness during one period and the doctor told me I was dangerously anemic and needed a blood transfusion.

I had terrible acne, and I wasn’t taken to the doctors or given any support or help, just barked at “not to pick”. Or peered at and told “oh my goodness that’s a really bad one”.

I was too ashamed to ask for help.

I just can’t imagine leaving my daughter to suffer like that.

As an adult I am anxious and a perfectionist and have crippling self doubt as an adult.

Badly, but not how you’d expect.

In some respects it was the usual - being treated like a small child. My mother was very critical of me and told me I was fat continually.

But my dad (to whom I’m going extremely close now). My God. As far as he was concerned, you left school at 16. He thought that A-Levels were something you did if you did badly in your GCSEs and - oh how I wish I was making this up - yelled at me for staying in education and refused to speak to me during the summer between Year 11 and lower sixth (I am old). I got really good GCSE results but his only focus was the fact I was staying in education.

I think my mum did a really good job. My dad also kind of did a good job - he knew he was slightly out of his depth with his teenage daughters, so was kind but steered clear of making decisions, which on reflection probably was the best strategy for him.

My mum was really quite liberal in some ways, but always kept an eye from a slight distance. She was always happy for us to have people over, and was totally happy to leave us to our own devices as there wasn’t all that much trouble we could have got into! I remember having quite riotous parties in the garden as a teenager - she never put a limit on how many I could invite, was pretty chilled about alcohol (it wasn’t crazy amounts) and never intruded, but I know she stayed up and watched a film until everything calmed down, so I knew exactly where she was if there was a crisis (extremely rare). On the occasions that someone had too much to drink, she handled it very calmly and without judgement so I didn’t hesitate to get her (she also didn’t act like a “cool” mum and sort of encourage it either, it was just a total non-issue).

She also ALWAYS offered to drive me/pick me up regardless of the time/distance, and would drive my friends too if their parents couldn’t/wouldn’t, I remember thinking this was incredibly generous, but it also meant she always knew exactly where we were and what time I’d be back.

She never batted an eyelid or commented about unimportant things that could have caused an argument for no reason e.g. my very gothic clothes and horrific make-up! She did make sure I knew it was important to take my make-up before sleep and got me some good remover and showed me how to use it, so I wasn’t like I felt unnoticed either.

We did chat about relationships and consent etc. Rather than bring this up awkwardly, she’d watch teenage programs with me sometimes (Buffy, Friends etc) and just casually chat to me during the adverts, so it didn’t seem forced, just something to chat about totally normally, no big deal.

I doubt I’ll manage to be as chilled as she was when it comes to it! Will try to remember though, and hope mum is still happy to spend lots of time with DD

It was awful. They were awful. The pair of them were so caught up in their miserable marriage and own problems that they only reared their heads to criticise, judge or give (inconsistent) instruction. I had zero emotional support and they only praised me if I was doing something that benefitted them. I could rarely have people to stay as there was always an atmosphere and had to lie about everything I was doing as they wouldn’t have approved.

I have a much more open relationship with my daughter and I adore her for who she is. I hope I don’t mess it up like my mother and father.

Parents seperated when I was 12. My mother resented being "left" with three children to rear. As I was the oldest I got the brunt of it. I had to get my younger siblings up and ready for school, breakfast, lunch etc. Then do dinner and homework with youngest because my mother was in work (2 part time jobs). During the summer I had to stay in and mind my youngest sister until mother got home. I might add that mother was not always working, she had a very active social life and did many courses throughout this time. I was responsible for me and my two sisters. She thought because she kept a roof over our head and fed us that she was doing everything. My mother was also verbally abusive and up until my father's sudden death when I was 20 their seperation was still volatile. She has never acknowledged everything I did to help her,she thinks she did it all herself and likes to tell everyone how hard she had it. My teenage years were horrible basically. She is still the same now I have my own children. Very selfish, self centred and still all about her.

I think mine were pretty good overall

I was given relative freedom from age 13-14 , allowed out to meet friends as long as I got the last bus home

Allowed out to local underage discos from that age too , again as long as I was on last bus home . Walked home myself from bustop to house through dark Wooded lanes at 10pm

Has loads of friends who were allowed to sleepover and I stayed with them too

This freedom in socialising was counter balanced with a lot of strictness around completing homework and studying for exams
I would be told to sit and get all the school revision books out and not allowed out of my room , with parents popping in to check I actually had books out and was writing etc

I was no angel and got up to loads , drinking cider from age 14 etc and meeting boyfriends At house parties in other towns when My parents thought I was at friends . I think there was more trust back then plus no mobiles so just left to stick to original plans and as long as I was home by the agreed time I was ok. I would come home drunk and go straight in front door and upstairs to my room.
If that was me with my kids , I would be at the front hall when they opened the door

Overall I’m happy with how they were with me during teenage years , I had a lot of freedom and trust and managed to get up to loads

I also worked part time from age 15 including train journey and bus journey to work

We were just all more independent back then I think and that helped with the trust .

I was a bit of a nightmare as a teen. I remember throwing a drink over one parent which makes me cringe now. I had a bad self-harm habit too. Then I got pregnant. They tried their best but my dad in particular couldn't get his head around. We have a great relationship now, thankfully.

Badly!

• Generally uninterested/focused on selves.
• Mocked me if I had a crush on anyone, generally made judgey remarks about teen relationships so I couldn't discuss anything like that, kept it all a secret (and was sexually active at 15, so all it did was made me feel I had to feel ashamed and hide what I was doing)
• Put loads of academic pressure on me and belittled anything I enjoyed that wasn't academic. I ended up doing a degree in a very dry subject that got me nowhere and really regret not following my true interests (not entirely their fault).
• Managed to ignore/not notice that I had OCD and then an eating disorder and heavy cannabis habit.

Mine aren't teenagers yet so who knows how I'll handle it. But not the way my parents did.

She thought because she kept a roof over our head and fed us that she was doing everything
This, too. My parents divorced in my early teens and my mum still goes on about how she did so much "whilst raising two children". She barely spent any time with us at all (and not just because of work), I saw much more of my grandparents.

Reasonably well I think. They generally didn’t tell me what to do and left me to it. It may have been better for all of us though if they’d encouraged me to be more independent (e.g. telling me to take a bus instead of giving lifts, telling me to get a job/drivers licence when I was old enough to do so and so on).

Well I feel my parents had my best interests at heart .Got help with homework ,and used to go out with my friend and her brothers(one of whom was my BF!)allegedly for a country walk (lived in a village then) but were smoking as well! There were normal teenage arguments but I also had DGP living in the next road so could go to them as well.All in all not perfect but not dreadful either !

They were great. I'm 53 now and they still are. Dad still checks every winter that I've bought a friggin winter coat

I'm lucky and never take them for granted

Ooooooh really rally badly. So badly that I moved out at 17. At 15/16 I started going out and they literally had no idea where I was so I used to go to clubs and take loads of drugs and generally did whatever I fancied. My daughter is the same age now and I can't imagine being totally unconcerned that she was off on the bus to Gatecrasher at Sheffield.

Literally couldn't have given two hoots about me. Mum wanted to be my friend, not parent, and my dad (divorced) was not at all interested in parenting either. Had to move to another area of town when I was 14/15 ish and if I wanted to visit a friend, my mum would charge me £1 for the 10 minute drive to theirs. I was very lucky that I grew up mature and sensible on my own merit. I moved out at 19.

My parents let me have quite a lot of freedom as a teen eventually,

Being eldest I had to fight for freedom initially and always prove I was to be trusted. But then it was just handed to DB because he was the same age I was when I got the freedom.
I'm not sure it was intentional but on reflection is feels like it was a way to control me.

When I did need them and tried to reach out they couldn't cope with any type of upset;
we've just got home not now,
we're just about to eat not now,
we've just eaten not now,
its right before bed not now,
it's too early for this not now,

I never did find the time that was acceptable to talk to them. So I would lash out because there was no other way to get anyone to hear me.

I still find as an adult they don't make time to listen to problems and it meant I did completely shut them out of by MH battles and still do.
As I've got older and had my own DC I do feel there's a shadow over our relationship as a result,

So in answer, they think they did well, I think don't think they did

Not well. Some of it was because they were dealing with their own problems and/or didn't know any better, which looking back (and after years in therapy) I can see. The one thing that stands out, though, is not allowing me to change school. I hated my school, I had a really horrible time there and it had a lasting impact on my mental health in terms of anxiety and sense of self-worth well into my twenties.

Their standpoint was that I had to stay because leaving would be 'running away from my problems.' Actually, no, sometimes a situation is just shitty and if you have a way to get out, you should. Instead they managed to convince me that any other school or college would be just as bad if not worse - and were then surprised when I left education altogether at 16 despite being very able academically.

It took me until my mid 40's to fully understand this, but the family dynamic for me growing up was a narcissistic controlling mother who didn't want me to become independent and offered no help or support to me unless it suited her. We lived rurally so unless I could get there by bike it wouldn't happen, but she would stop me riding my bike if she could. Dad was so browbeaten by her (and away a lot with work) he was not able to support me apart from taking me if he was able to. It was shit, she was always yelling at me whilst my golden child younger brother sat there smirking and I envied the quiet calm atmospheres at my friends homes when I went there. It was shit and she did me no favours at all. Her mantra was all boys are only out for one thing, thanks mum that's really helpful not. She was a nightmare and since I finally worked it out, I actively parented my DDs doing the exact opposite of what she would have done and it's worked a treat.

When I used to argue with my Mum, I sometimes felt that I would say something which would hurt her feelings, so at that point I'd either say "It would be better if we discussed this later" and leave the room, or if I couldn't leave the room (if I was in my bedroom, for example), I'd ask her "please leave me alone now, it would be better if we discussed this later". She took this as me being very dismissive of her - she once said that it sounded like I was the Lady of the Manor dismissing her servant. I wished she'd have understood that it was my way of defusing the situation to prevent either of us really hurting the other's feelings. With my teenage daughters, we have a code word which either of us can use when we argue. When one of us says it, it means we take a ten minute break from speaking to each other. It gives both of us some space to breathe and calm down and after the ten minutes we usually able to discuss the topic which caused an argument in a more civilised manner.

Terrible, just left to get on with it.

Spotty, insecure, friendship issues all through school, lots of pressure academically. never taken to the doctor or dentist, no nice clothes until I got a Saturday job and paid for them myself. Then life changed a bit.

Then allowed to go to clubs until 2am without a care in the world,

I think my mum kept me ugly as much as she could as then I'd be no trouble.

Fucking abysmally to be honest.

Mother goes on about how "awful" we were.

We weren't. Even now, only a couple of years away from parenting a teen myself, I don't think we were bad kids. Moreover, I think what we did that was bad...was a result of them.

My brother was a depressed goth, struggling at private school.

My sister was uuber popular and a typical teen girl, not very smart but well liked and smashing it in the real world now.

I... Was entirely a product of my environment.

Both parents (divorced and remarried when I was a newborn) went on to have further kids when I was a young teenager.
Mother treated me as a built in babysitter, but never supported me with anything.

I had deep seated mental health issues, that the more removed from them I get the more I realise was a result of their appalling parenting. No obvious abuse, but lots of neglect and .... Disinterest.

By 14 I was allowed to have my then boyfriend stay overnight in my room. No encouragement to do well, or rather there was but there was no support when I needed it. No input.

Lots of anger.

Mother didn't live with any of her kids beyond the age of them turning 16. She didn't even make it to 5 for my younger brother

But I learned loads from it, and parent far better than either of them did.

Oh, Dad wasn't in the picture, working, in the bookies or the pub.

They rowed and there was domestic violence.

@IAmTheBFG I love that tip for the code word!