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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go get the MAP tomorrow?

41 replies

PurpleMackington · 30/06/2020 16:26

Name changed but regular poster. Mostly posting here for traffic.

I've been having casual sex with someone for a couple of weeks. Without giving too many unnecessary details away, due to circumstances it has always been in his car with him behind me. We had discussed condom use beforehand and he has always used one.

This morning we were actually able to meet at his for a little bit. I was certain that I witnessed him putting a condom on (although I admit I was otherwise distracted). Shortly before he finished, he reached over to his bedside table to grab one and put it on. At this point I realised that he had actually initially put on a cock ring.

I'm gunna go get an STI test obviously, but I was just discussing this with a friend about getting the morning after pill and she said I was being a drama queen and that it isn't necessary. I know the likelihood of pregnancy is slim but I'm ovulating and surely this is the sensible thing to do?!

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleMackington · 30/06/2020 16:28

I should add I'm definitely going to go get it,but wondered if the general consensus was that this is a bit "drama queen" or not?!

OP posts:
Kelsoooo · 30/06/2020 16:29

You had unprotected sex, don't want a baby.

Then yes, the MAP is sensible.

TeddyIsaHe · 30/06/2020 16:30

Definitely not a drama queen (what adult even says that anyway?!) and I would do the same as you.

Why did he not put a condom on at first though? Is this something you’ve discussed beforehand?

HotMessTryNotToStress · 30/06/2020 16:32

YANBU - Get the MAP and an STI check.
You need to speak to him about condom use, he should be using one the whole time not just picking and choosing when he puts it on. It’s a trust issue.

StrawBeretMoose · 30/06/2020 16:34

Why wait until tomorrow to get the MAP, you can buy it in a pharmacy.

You need to find out what was going on regarding him not using a condom until the end. What if you hadn't noticed?
If he has other FWBs you could be at new risk every time you have sex with him if he is not properly careful.

Drama queen would be not getting the MAP then coming back here with a thread wondering what to do next.

ErickBroch · 30/06/2020 16:38

Get the MAP and an STI test.

EmperorCovidula · 30/06/2020 16:38

It’s assault to not use a condom when you’ve had that discussion. Of course you should get the MAP and also a pregnancy test incase this isn’t the first time. Sorry this has happened to you, ignore your friend Flowers

ErickBroch · 30/06/2020 16:38

Get MAP today. They are not 100% and the longer you leavee it the less likely it will work. I would not wait.

Original poster
PurpleMackington · 30/06/2020 16:43

Thanks all, heading to the pharmacy now!

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleMackington · 30/06/2020 16:48

I'm going to talk to him about it because I dont want to stop seeing him. Again without giving too much away he is quite a bit younger than me, and this is my first time with someone new in over 10 years, so I did wonder if this was some weird thing younger guys are doing nowadays. But I will obviously insist on full protection before any penetration in future, I feel so stupid that this has happened

OP posts:
StrawBeretMoose · 03/07/2020 23:40

Hope you got sorted OP.

I did wonder if this was some weird thing younger guys are doing nowadays
No, it's not, it's something only disrespectful guys would do, nothing to do with age and everything to do with thinking you don't matter and pregnancy or STI risk to you doesn't matter. Seriously he deserves a total bollocking and to understand how very wrong that is. Can you even be sure he was actually using a condom in the car?
Don't sell yourself short, there are guys who are good at sex and good at respecting the most basic of boundaries.

StuffThem · 03/07/2020 23:43

please reconsider snagging him again in the future. What he did speaks volumes, and you're worth so much more than that.

sadie9 · 03/07/2020 23:58

Can you see a GP and get the Pill? Why would you let him take responsibility. It sounds like he doesn't give a shit what the consequences are for you.

DotDotDotty · 04/07/2020 00:19

please reconsider snagging him again in the future. What he did speaks volumes, and you're worth so much more than that
Absolutely this. You'd discussed condom usage and he went against this.

GinDaddyRedux · 04/07/2020 09:08

I don't mean to add any unwelcome views but I find there's a really weird power dynamic going on here OP.

Unless you particularly desired and wanted the "him behind, you in front" thing in the car, then I think it's worth considering scenarios where you can clearly see him and see what he is doing - you can visually see the condom on him, placed correctly etc.

I know that sounds unsexy as hell but in theory it actually empowers - it removes all the doubt and means hopefully you can be freer mentally etc?

I'm prepared to get flamed for this but I think before you play with specific scenarios so to speak such as that car position, it's best to know exactly what is going down.

There are a lot of young men these days who seem to think condomless casual sex is the "prize", and try and sneakily or openly negotiate it at every opportunity. You have a right to control what happens to your body, you are now in a position where you are going to have to take something, thereby having to wrest back control etc.

In short I'm not wildly impressed with him. If the openly discussed deal was always condoms at every encounter, then he has violated that trust. A certain embassy-dwelling activist was accused of a crime by a Scandinavian country for just that.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 04/07/2020 09:13

What he did is called stealthing and is non-consensual removal of a condom. It's assault! Sorry to be so blunt but you didn't consent to that and you are now at risk of an unwanted pregnancy or an STD.

Get the morning after pill ASAP and stop seeing someone who took away your consent.

Royalbloo · 04/07/2020 09:15

I agree this is assault

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 04/07/2020 09:15

@sadie9 it's not just about being pregnant it's also STDs. They both agreed to use condoms and he broke that agreement.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 04/07/2020 09:19

OP this isn't your fault, it's his fault. The power dynamics in this relationship are completely off. Are you scared of him? I'm just trying to work out why you didn't ask him to put a condom on when you saw him putting a cock ring on. He's a twat and you deserve so much better.

ShandlersWig · 04/07/2020 09:21

Do you really want to to sleep with him again?
Unless he's incredibly ill informed, everyone knows you can get pregnant just by penetration, not just ejaculation.

How many times has he done this before? Remember, this is the first time youve noticed

And agree, if condoms were discussed in advance, this is assault.

IncrediblySadToo · 04/07/2020 09:27

@EmperorCovidula

It’s assault to not use a condom when you’ve had that discussion. Of course you should get the MAP and also a pregnancy test incase this isn’t the first time. Sorry this has happened to you, ignore your friend Flowers
He was using a condom before he 'came'. Unless they discussed exactly when he put it on, Its a misunderstanding, not abuse.

Casual sex at this time. I'd be far more worried about Covid than a baby.

trixiebelden77 · 04/07/2020 09:48

I wouldn’t be seeing him again. You agreed on condoms and he tricked you.

If you consented to sex only with a condom and he tricked you, then you didn’t consent.

Find someone better.

Lucy40ishere · 04/07/2020 09:49

OP I suggest watching the BBC drama I May Destroy You where a man removes a condom without telling the woman & she later realises it’s a form of assault. It’s not ok for him to do this whether you were distracted or otherwise. But totally up to you if you want to carry on seeing him.

Original poster
PurpleMackington · 04/07/2020 09:50

Casual sex at this time. I'd be far more worried about Covid than a baby.
Surprised it took so long for someone to come up with this.

OP posts:
GinDaddyRedux · 04/07/2020 09:52

@IncrediblySadToo

I disagree I'm afraid. It sounds like wilful "misunderstanding" on the part of the OP's sex partner.

It's a power and control thing I think. Remove the condom, or don't put it on at all or whatever, but anything to dominate as part of a power play.

Fine if everyone is consenting, but that doesn't seem to be the thrust (excuse the pun) of the OP's post