Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Expecting DD to earn some money when she has the opportunity?

116 replies

PearTree1 · 30/06/2020 16:25

My daughter is 10 and during lockdown we've had to work really hard as we're very busy with our business. She's spent a lot of time in work with us and we just can't seem to get her to help. She'll actually say she doesn't want to be helpful. We've tried to tempt her with things she could earn, money she could save and then just got cross and taken things away as it's so frustrating she is so unwilling to help.
She doesn't get lots so she's not spoiled and there are a lot of things she would like. She just doesn't want to earn them.

Any tips or are we expecting too much? We adopted her 5 years ago and we don't have any other children so we don't have 10 years of parenting experience. We were also desperate to earn as kids so find it hard to understand.

Help!

OP posts:

Itsjustabitofbanter · 30/06/2020 18:19

@Dogstar78 people aren’t really saying that it is wrong for the op to have her daughter get involved in the business. It’s the fact that she’s actually getting punishments because she doesn’t want to work

Sailingblue · 30/06/2020 18:22

There seems a lot of emotion and value judgement tied up in your posts. You can’t expect the 10yo to have the same values of helping in terms of the business. It seems overly harsh to punish her because she doesn’t want to earn money in the business. I don’t think you’re wrong to want to teach about the value of money but many of those lessons can be done with pocket money first and then having the option to earn extra.

QuestionMarkNow · 30/06/2020 18:25

I would expect my child to HELP around and that could mean helping to put some cellotape on etc...

I would NOT expect my child to work, even 20 mins 3 times a week at that age. The responsibilities are different, incl the fact you would expect her to do it every time.
But then, at that age, DH was working on his parents farm and had done so for a few years already..... Do you want to go back to 50 years or so ago?

ThatPairOfCats · 30/06/2020 18:32

My DD is 15, adopted at 6. Before coming to us she would never have seen an adult work and had no interest in it or even a concept of money paying for things. She is only just getting it now. Add in that she'll be functioning younger than her years with all the trauma I'd back off for now.

Goosefoot · 30/06/2020 18:33

[quote EineReiseDurchDieZeit]@Goosefoot

Yes, but in this case, it is an adopted child, who was an older adoptee, who is being punished for refusal, and is below the legal age for paid work.

It's all about context. [/quote]
The age for paid work is rather more complicated than that. Family businesses are normally exempt so long as the work is not dangerous for example. Paper delivery which are no longer common but allowed, child actors are another examples with a lot more associated issues but again, allowed. Half an hour of stickering envelopes in the course of a week is not problematic

And there isn't punishment, it's just a matter of not being allowed screens etc when it's work time, but rather being asked to do something else useful like school. There is nothing wrong with having some designated times a child can choose between school or chores etc without being given the option of an ipad or tv.

That the child is adopted is irrelevant if she is capable of making a bed or doing school work at all. The idea that a child adopted five years ago shouldn't have to do any work in the family is odd unless there are rather serious issues.

MintyMabel · 30/06/2020 18:36

Why all the “she’s ten” bullshit?

At ten years old I was coming home and cooking dinner.

I was also doing housework and helping my dad do admin for his business. It wasn’t all the time, it wasn’t every day, but I was more than capable. DD has CP but is more than able to do extra chores for pocket money which she likes as she is saving for something special. Why do we infantilise pre-teen children and assume they are capable of so little?

JaniceWebster · 30/06/2020 18:37

people aren’t really saying that it is wrong for the op to have her daughter get involved in the business. It’s the fact that she’s actually getting punishments because she doesn’t want to work

exactly

You punish them for not making their beds or refusing to put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher - fairly reasonable for a 10 year old!
but not for refusing to earn money like that.

Nothing wrong at all in helping in the business, it's the punishment that's not fair. Again, having an adopted child makes a big difference too when she has only be there for 5 years.

ElizabethAlexandraMary · 30/06/2020 18:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

JaniceWebster · 30/06/2020 18:39

MintyMabel
Why all the “she’s ten” bullshit?

because she is 10. Just because kids younger than that used to work (and still do..) in sweat shops and factories doesn't mean it's an acceptable approach.

No one is saying she is not capable, but that a 10 year old should be able to refuse to earn money and not punished instead. It's not even the same at all as being told off for refusing to help!

FFS, what even happened to that child in her 5 years before she was adopted by the OP?

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 30/06/2020 18:45

She’s 10, obviously had a tough start in life, and living through a pandemic.

Let her read books. Value of work can come later.

Linning · 30/06/2020 18:47

@MintyMabel

Why all the “she’s ten” bullshit?

At ten years old I was coming home and cooking dinner.

Were you also adopted at 5 with all the feelings that involved ? (And meaning potentially gone through abuse? ) Were you going through COVID-19, 5 years after finding a minimum of stability in your life? If not, how is what you did at 10 any relevant to what should be expected of this 10yo? This 10yo has probably gone through more in her life than most of us. She doesn’t need to be punished for saying no for something that should remain optional. It’s not about whether or not she can physically do it, it’s about whether or not punishing a kid for answering no to something they were ask to partake in, is appropriate (it’s not).

Goosefoot · 30/06/2020 18:51

@JaniceWebster

MintyMabel Why all the “she’s ten” bullshit?

because she is 10. Just because kids younger than that used to work (and still do..) in sweat shops and factories doesn't mean it's an acceptable approach.

No one is saying she is not capable, but that a 10 year old should be able to refuse to earn money and not punished instead. It's not even the same at all as being told off for refusing to help!

FFS, what even happened to that child in her 5 years before she was adopted by the OP?

It's not a sweatshop or a factory. ADults shouldn't be in sweatsops either, that's a bizarre comparison.

Lots of people have worked at ten in family businesses. It's totally normal in many immigrant families that run small businesses, on farms, many of us had paper routes or helped out our families, were expected to do something more significant around the house than make our beds at ten.

My sister and I had our first paid jobs, harvesting strawberries, when we were 12 and 9 and were never out of work after that.

Kids don't always enjoy these things but that doesn't mean they are unreasonable or damaging. Lots of us think they were really positive experiences overall.

I have no idea where this idea that it's unreasonable to have that expectation comes from. If there is still time to do school work, play, daydream, and the work itself is not dangerous, what's the issue?

It really is possible for children to do more than play or sit on a screen as much as they care to, but often they don't realise it until they are pushed to do it.

2bazookas · 30/06/2020 18:53

You've only had her 5 years; she certainly remembers having a previous life, and being adopted, and has been told what adoption is supposed to mean. Which is NOT, being pressured to work in the family business at age 10.

Adoption does NOT mean the child has to work to earn approval,  love  and  her place in the family.  She is NOT your  employee.

It's  your attitude  that's in serious need of a radical adjustment, not hers.    Forget preaching  "the value of money";   what you are  supposed to be teaching her is, that she is  loved unconditionally.

yellowsunset · 30/06/2020 18:59

Yabu. Did you adopt her 5 years ago to care for her or make her your employee?

Regularsizedrudy · 30/06/2020 19:01

Jesus Christ she’s a child why the fuck should she help you with your business? Chores makes sense because they can see the end result, it makes sense to a 10 year old brain. Sticking a load of stickers on shit is a mind numbing and thankless task, of course she doesn’t want to do it. You should like horrible parents.

JaniceWebster · 30/06/2020 19:06

Goosefoot
put it another way if you prefer: If my DH was TELLING me to work in the family business to have my pocket money, I would tell him to fuck off.

I give the same right to my own children - the refusal, not the right to tell me to fuck off obviously

It is reasonable to ask children for help, it is reasonable to ask children to do their own chores. Punishing because they don't want to earn extra money is not acceptable.

I don't believe for a second you can treat your own children the same way you can treat an adopted child you only welcomed when they were 5 either.

Being crossed and frustrated like the OP because a 10 year old is not interested is not good either. There's nothing to be frustrated about!

God knows if that little girl is still doubting her right to belong to that family, or the safety of her new family.

At worst I would calmly tell my kids that they are doing that, and that's it, not a negotiation - same way they are doing their chores! not play that power game around money. But they are my kids, I don't need to tread carefully, I know they feel safe!

Zeusthemoose · 30/06/2020 19:11

Op this reminds me of my youngest aged 12. I've tried to entice them with money for extra chores and hinted at being more helpful. They're just not interested. My oldest is the opposite. I just keep modelling behaviour and hope it eventually gets absorbed at some level. Everyone is different though - maybe it's just not in their nature.

RB68 · 30/06/2020 19:17

you see I wouldn't be paying - I would be expecting help anyway. even at 14 mine is reluctant but does help occasionally but its normal kids not interested. We have to find different motivators. Leave screens at home, sort a job thats fairly easy and sit her down and say this is how we earn our living - we would like you to help today so this is what you need to do. Then when she is doing it and you are chatting talk about what she would like to do wrk out what her motivator is. At that age having been with you since age 5 I would expect her to still be uncertain of you and maybe its about pshing bttons to see if you reject her still so her own anxieties

lanthanum · 30/06/2020 19:21

www.afamilybusiness.co.uk/rules-about-children-working.html

By the looks of that, you can't get her doing jobs for the business. I don't think there's any law against earning money by doing household chores, so you might have to stick to that.

WhereamI88 · 30/06/2020 19:24

I actually don't think you're unreasonable. My parents had their own business and they were there 6 days a week, 10-12 hours a day so I sometimes had to hang out around there. And I did small things to help out but for NO reward actually! It was the family business so if my dad asked me to put price tags on things, I just did it! It was maybe 10 mins at a time, point was more to not let me get bored than anything else.

It may be that this is something you let go, she's just not interested. But you are not a horrible harsh mother at all! Remember this is a very middle class website and the answers on parenting here can mostly be very helpful but also a bit detached from reality sometimes. I wouldn't have posted something like this on here.

JaniceWebster · 30/06/2020 19:29

Remember this is a very middle class website

oh dear....

teaflake · 30/06/2020 19:50

This can't be real.

GreytExpectations · 30/06/2020 21:37

Why are people accusing the OP of punishing her daughter for not helping? She has never suggested she punishes her, she even clarified she is suggesting she reads a book instead of screen time as it goes towards her school work. Seems like people are purposely missing out info the OP has said.

heartsonacake · 30/06/2020 21:39

YABVU. She’s 10 - you shouldn’t be trying to employ her, which is exactly what you’re doing by offering her money in exchange for doing work in your business. That’s illegal.

Graphista · 30/06/2020 21:44

I'm generally all for children in a family contributing but this what you're expecting is not only unreasonable and unacceptable but ILLEGAL!

Jesus 10!

She is a YOUNG child who should be learning and playing not supporting your business wtf!!

IF this is true I'm amazed you were allowed to adopt!!

Frankly if I knew you in real life and so had the info to do so I'd be reporting you to her social worker/social services.

I am absolutely horrified and sincerely hoping this thread is untrue.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5