Expecting DD to earn some money when she has the opportunity?

[PearTree1]

My daughter is 10 and during lockdown we've had to work really hard as we're very busy with our business. She's spent a lot of time in work with us and we just can't seem to get her to help. She'll actually say she doesn't want to be helpful. We've tried to tempt her with things she could earn, money she could save and then just got cross and taken things away as it's so frustrating she is so unwilling to help.
She doesn't get lots so she's not spoiled and there are a lot of things she would like. She just doesn't want to earn them.

Any tips or are we expecting too much? We adopted her 5 years ago and we don't have any other children so we don't have 10 years of parenting experience. We were also desperate to earn as kids so find it hard to understand.

Help!

@Goosefoot

Yes, but in this case, it is an adopted child, who was an older adoptee, who is being punished for refusal, and is below the legal age for paid work.

It's all about context.

Adoptive Mum here. Five years of parenting experience still means you know your DD better than anyone else.

Out of my 3 children DS1 wouldn't have been bothered at 10. DS2 probably would have liked the idea but not wanted to work for it and the notion of actually working would have horrified DD . (Still does at age 22!)

Your DD is probably too young for this at the moment.

I don't think you are nasty, but maybe expecting a bit much at her age and in the current situation. She probably just wants to escape everything at the moment, I know I do.

Chores are different, she should expect to pitch in as part of a family, but maybe try again with the business in a few years or so. I would find sellotaping boxes or putting on stickers pretty boring and I expect a 10 year old would find it even worse. I would much rather use a screen or read a book.

What I would do instead if you are fixed on this is take away the money option. Offer her a trip somewhere she would like at the end of the year (or next depending on pandemic). Tell her that she can earn points toward it by doing bits for the business as and when she wants to. No pressure and if she doesn't do it fine. Don't ask her, leave her to decide if she wants to do it. If she doesn't you can still plan a nice day together, so there is no punishment for not helping, just a chance to upgrade.

This post is quite upsetting to read. Do you still have contact with the support network you would have had through the adoption? I think you need some support here and would benefit from talking this through with someone.

It depends what they do with the screen time whether it is bad or educational. They can read entire books on a screen. Watch YouTube videos on any number of educational and practical subjects. Some children, especially ones with dyslexia or ADHD, learn better through video and self directed exploration. Instead of a blanket “no screen time” consider saying today’s topic is the rainforest (or whatever cloud forests are fun too) and tell her she can do anything she wants with the pad/computer while your working so long as it is linked to something about the planets rainforests.
Just propose stuff that aligns with school curriculum and then let her loose to watch/read online whatever she wants about a topic. One day could be history, so suggest “castles” and hint, different countries build castles in different shapes....see if you can learn them.

I don’t think not being motivated by money is a bad thing necessarily...

I'm sort of with you my 9 yo earns 50p a job for stuff like fetching milk from the bottom of the drive. 2 quid for a big pot of weeds. It's not a lot but it adds up. Pad time is earned in our house. Schoolwork plus stuff put away at end of the day lego and toys type stuff means an hour of Xbox or pad. The jobs thing is a choice though.

I think its down to way you phrase it. I'd be that's time up on the pad do you want to do x job for y or reading.

My 8 year old always wants to do extra jobs to earn money.

Asking a child if she wants to put stickers on something to earn money should be a choice though. It shouldn't be compulsory or punished. At the same time I get why you've said no more screen time. I think giving children a chance to learn about the value of money is a good life lesson- even at 10.

Do you have a post-adoption support social worker? I would contact them for some support and guidance on parenting. You have an unusual stance on her having to ‘earn’ things at the age of 10. I assumed from your title she was a university student or something.

I think what you are asking her to do is totally reasonable. She is part of your family so it's a good lesson to learn that we all work together as a team. I do not think she is too young.
But it might be you need to think about how you present it to her. Find any little thing you can praise her for and give lots. Make things light and use humour when you are encouraging her. Give her clear choices, will you do 10 labels or fill 10 envelopes? And when she does something, let her do it her way without criticism or rectifying what she has done if it's not quite right.

I always encouraged my children to help with jobs and by a lot trial and error I found they were more receptive when there were clear time limits and tasks. Also a break involving some kind of cake always went down well! Also, don't take it personally when she isn't too enthusiastic.

It would be nice if she wanted to help but she doesn't so that's that really. As pp said some dc would be dying to earn a few bob, some (like mine) can't be arsed. She will probably be more motivated by money when she enters her teens.

@PearTree1

I hope I'm not as bad a mother as you think I am! She doesn't know I'm frustrated when she won't help. I'm trying to come from a good place of educating her. I'm talking 10-20 minutes a week. She won't do many chores round the house either so I thought a bit of sticker sticking or sellotaping with a financial incentive might spark something. Her headteacher knows she spends time in here when I've no option to work. When I'm working, the same as lots of parents WFH, its hard to get her to do school work independently. She wants screen time and I'm trying to limit it so her option was a little bit of helping out or reading. Not screen time Maybe I didn't word my inital post so well as I was being quick... or maybe I am as nasty as you all think I am !

It's good that she does some chores around the house. Everyone needs to. Make sure she knows that you appreciate what she does and that you value her contribution to the way your family life runs smoothly.

She is ten, if she doesn't already get some then maybe as I suggested up thread it's time to start giving her some pocket money, I would not make it conditional on her doing her chores, they are non negotiable' everyone in the household contributes to the household. Talk about what she can buy with it eg sweets or a magazine, hair scrunchies, a drink and a cake in a cafe, bowling with her friend, a t shirt she likes the look of, fancy colouring pens etc. So it is her money, to spend , or if she wants something , to save. But make sure she knows that you won't be bailing her out if she has spent her allowance then wants to go to the cinema with her friends family. At age 10 a few pounds a week is plenty. Going up a bit every birthday.

Give her the opportunity to earn extra money by doing additional chores in the house (or the office) but make sure these are optional.

Set up a savings account for her, Child Isas give reasonable interest atm, so that might be somewhere for birthday or Christmas money.

I dont think it hurts her to do such little tasks, its good for her. The way some of you have commented, you'd think she was sending up to clean chimneys. !

Sorry, that should be some of her Christmas or birthday money. Save some spend some.

@fairlyplump due to her age anything other than age-appropriate chores are optional. She also shouldn't be punished if she doesn't want to do them.

I don't think it's nasty, but I also don't think we can compare what we did when we were kids to what kids are going through right now or to what your daughter individually is experiencing. There are many different ways to be helpful.

Not everyone is monetarily motivated, and what one person sees as 'being helpful' or part of the household, someone else might see as 'pawning off the dull jobs' or just might be not up for it with everything else going on. I've tried offering additional chores for cash with my kids - same age as yours and my teens - and they've not really taken it up ever. My oldest did get interested in making his own things online to sell (for in-game currency) and they've all been a great help without pay, but they'd rather do it on their own terms or trade a task for an activity or something bought outright, and just keep their pocket money as is.

My ten year old has her own chores, including making lunch for herself and everyone else here a couple days a week. I also ask for her help with other home stuff, but I don't involve her in my work. My kids aren't allowed to use screens for fun until they're lessons stuff is done and have a set fun screentime, but I wouldn't remove it just because my DD didn't want additional work.

I think it's illegal under 16 except in certain specific sectors. 10 is young even sticking down boxes

I would let it go, personally. Therapeutic parenting does not recommend reward charts as they can reinforce shame feelings.

Stick to natural consequences.

OP, you’re getting a tough time here - I’m sure you’re an excellent mother but I think you should listen to the overwhelming mood music that your DD is too young to push the issue. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you asking her to do a little easy work for a reward is wrong at all - but if she’s resisting then I’d let it go for the moment. Maybe if she asks you for something that you wouldn’t normally get her (a toy, treat or whatever), then you can say she can have it for her bday or Xmas or, if she doesn’t want to wait, she can earn it! Also, limiting screen time in favour of reading an actual book, is also definitely a good thing!

This thread has to be bait. No one could actually think their 10 year old should get a job - maybe send her up the chimney?

I don’t think you’re a bad mum at all just expecting a bit too much of her x

I am really surprised by a lot of these comments. Life is difficult at the moment. The OP doesn't have a choice but to take her to work. I think it sets good habits for adult life. I am a beauty therapist. I have a salon at the bottom of the garden. My son is 9 and when I am busy on a Saturday he strips the couch between clients and puts sheets in the wash, he empties the bin and puts things back on the shelf if needed. I pay him. However, I think he could be a distant relative of Alan Sugar. He asks for a percentage of takings or price per job and works out which is more profitable. He also helps with my accounts! I don't think the OP is punishing her daughter. I think it is a case of you have to read/ do schoolwork if you don't do this, you can't just choose what you want to do during the day.

I find a regular chore helps that is part of the day. My son has to sweep and mop downstairs and keep his room tidyIf he does an additional task, helping the garden, sweeping the drive or says can I do anything to help I pay him. I think chores are part of family life not a punishment or paid work.

OP, YABU, unless you were also adopted at 5 and grew up through a pandemic that stopped you from a good chunk of your support system/normalcy shortly after, you absolutely cannot compare your childhood with hers.

If she was adopted at 5, she likely has memories of her life before joining you, and all the feelings involved with being abandoned/parentless and later adopted by you, showing her that your love for her is independent of the labour she put into your business is PARAMOUNT. You CANNOT punish a kid for not wanting to work and be “hurt” when they refuse to help. Their job is not to help you, it’s for you to help them, help them feel loved, secure and cared for.

The fact that you feel resentful at her choosing not to spend her free time helping at your business to the point where you will punish her for it, is absolutely not okay. And it has nothing to do with “only” having 5 years of parenting experience.

You said you felt pride in earning your own money? Were you also punished by your parents when you didn’t?

I am someone who loved to save money and volunteered to work for it and would always find ways to make extra money, it was my thing, but it was done on my terms and because I wanted to. My siblings were different and simply didn’t have the same motivation. None of us were punished for not wanting to earn money when we didn’t want to.

I have memories of us begrudging our parents for taking screen time away to force us to learn things they felt were valuable that we could (and would) have totally learned later in life, like posing tiles or doing manual work with my stepdad etc... those are valuable lessons, I get a parent want to share with their kid, but punishing children for being children and wanting to be children isn’t okay.

I would have still learned to fix stuff and do manual work around the house without having to be punished for not wanting to learn as a kid. Them punishing us only served them to feel better about taking the credit for teaching us and feeling like they were good parents for wanting to instill some “hard working values” in us.

It’s bullshit. We were 4 (now 5) siblings and all turned up drastically different and with drastically different work-ethics. Yet we were forced through most of the same chores. I am still the most savvy/responsible one, but that’s not thanks to my parents. I was simply like this from the start, it has always been my personality type. The oldest of my brothers who is a year younger, is 23 still live at home, can’t hold a job longer than a month and live outside his means and off of my mom. Same education, different results.

Give your child a break, don’t compare your probably undisturbed childhood with yours, and embrace the fact that she feels confident and safe enough to say no. And please don’t punish her for saying no. Teaching kids (but girls specifically) that saying no when asked a question/to partake in something is 100% okay and not something people resent you for and will punish you for (and that if they do they are wrong) is so so important. That should be at the core of your parenting, honestly.

Chores, I don’t believe in them. School work is her work, succeeding at school is her job.

I have a 17yo who would bite your hand off for extra work. (She has a main job but does one offs like babysitting )

My 14 yo is less money driven but would enjoy the rare opportunity to earn. (Most jobs are for age 16+)