Expecting DD to earn some money when she has the opportunity?

[PearTree1]

My daughter is 10 and during lockdown we've had to work really hard as we're very busy with our business. She's spent a lot of time in work with us and we just can't seem to get her to help. She'll actually say she doesn't want to be helpful. We've tried to tempt her with things she could earn, money she could save and then just got cross and taken things away as it's so frustrating she is so unwilling to help.
She doesn't get lots so she's not spoiled and there are a lot of things she would like. She just doesn't want to earn them.

Any tips or are we expecting too much? We adopted her 5 years ago and we don't have any other children so we don't have 10 years of parenting experience. We were also desperate to earn as kids so find it hard to understand.

Help!

I thought this was going to be about a 16 or 17 year old not wanting to get a little part time Saturday job. Not a ten year old being asked to work in their parents business. And I am aware that some children do do this, I was bff with a farmers child for years and they had been brought up to do certain jobs, and did so willingly.

There are lots of ways you can help a child to learn the value of money -without expecting them to be your office gopher- f eg encouraging them to save some of their money towards things they want to buy, or by giving them one of the debit cards designed for young children, a fixed amount of pocket money goes on the card so they can spend it, but when it's gone it's gone (I think you can link them to your phone so you can keep an eye on their spending) most kids soon learn that frittering their money on trash is a short term thrill.

You could offer her the chance to earn extra money by doing household chores in addition to the ones you probably already expect her to do as a member of the household and have already negotiated.

By all means offer her the chance to earn some extra treats or money.

But if she doesn't want to then leave her be. That's her choice.

My goodness, this is awful , she’s got many years ahead of her to work let her be a child. I wouldn’t want to cello tape boxes either and I’m a fully grown woman.

She’s your child, punishing a child by taking screen time away because they don’t want to ‘work’ is plain nasty.

Punishing a 10 year old because she doesn't want to work. My god. And also you really shouldn't use books as a punishment.

You realise that if she repeated what you have posted from her perspective to a teacher, you'd have social services on your doorstep?

I thought this was going to be about an older teen. Shes 10! Yabu

She's 10!!!!

You are getting this horrifically WRONG! you will hurt her mentally. Stop it now!

Poor kid. Hasn't she had a hard enough upbringing already?

Reading a book wasn't meant to be a punishment, it was just an alternative to screen time as she has targets for that from school.

I've not been giviing her hard 'work' just little jobs that I thought she might enjoy. I see now from all your feedback that you think she's too young. I thought she was old enough to think she was helping a bit and thought she might get a bit of confidence from it. I was just a bit hurt that she has no interest in being helpful

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit

You realise that if she repeated what you have posted from her perspective to a teacher, you'd have social services on your doorstep?

exactly this. and rightly so.

YADBU. I'd be thrilled if my step kids (12) volunteered to read a book!

If it's a case of "Mum can I have some money for ###" and you say, "no, but you can earn it by doing ##", that's fine. But expecting a child to do actual work and then punishing by removing a book of all things is odd.

Maybe have a rethink of your approach as this is coming over as quite harsh parenting, particularly with an adopted child who I'd expect you to have to make extra allowances for emotionally and developmentally.

@GreatestShowUnicorn

You are expecting too much especially when you bring trauma and adoption into the equation.

This. She’s only lived with you for half her life and now she’s going through the trauma of the current situation. Jesus.

Volunteering "can I help today Mummy?" Is being helpful

Being conscripted into a tedious task with the threat of loss of screentime is not helpfulness its coercion.

She's 10. Fine to offer her the chance to earn some money. But she does actually have the right to say no.

As to being hurt because she doesn't want to be helpful- her not wanting to slap on some labels or something isn't a rejection of you! you're going to need to toughen up because the teen years are a hell of a ride!

My eyebrows raised reading your post OP but they shot through the roof realising you’d adopted DD aged 5! God being 10 and in the middle of a pandemic is bad enough but for your DD this won’t be the first time everything has turned upside down.
Please back right off and focus on making DD feel safe, loved and secure!

I understand what you’re getting at but don’t project your emotions on to her as expectations like that. It’s nothing personal that she doesn’t want to help, she’s a child that wants chill. You really need to separate your feeling ‘hurt’ from her behaviour as kids are completely thoughtless. It’s not her responsibility to manage your emotions or fulfill them.

I thought she might be too young but it's only 10-20 minutes a couple of times a week.

Under the age of 13, in the U.K., it’s illegal. So you are trying to break the law a couple of times a week and have been doing so for many weeks? Your poor daughter! Presumably you are also adhering to her home schooling schedule and are then expecting this on top, and punishing her for not doing so?

Gotta say I disagree with the majority. It's good and healthy for kids to work and contribute to the household. It makes them feel competent and like they are really useful.

It sounds to me like the amount of time you are asking for and tasks are reasonable, especially since she isn't in school now. And lots of families ask for their kids to contribute, but this differs a lot by culture - it tends not to be so much the case for middle class white kids.

I'd pay or give some privilege in return for the work (going out for ice-cream for example) and not allow tv/ipad etc if she refuses.

OTOH, it's not abnormal for a child that age to refuse. I'd express disappointment but I'm not sure that there is much else you can do.

Sorry by this seems all about you. Parenting isn’t al about the parent I’m afraid. You will have to put her needs above what you want her to be interested in.

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit

You realise that if she repeated what you have posted from her perspective to a teacher, you'd have social services on your doorstep?

That is bizarre. Many many children are expected to contribute to family businesses from a young age, just like they are expected to help out with household work.

I hope I'm not as bad a mother as you think I am! She doesn't know I'm frustrated when she won't help. I'm trying to come from a good place of educating her. I'm talking 10-20 minutes a week. She won't do many chores round the house either so I thought a bit of sticker sticking or sellotaping with a financial incentive might spark something.
Her headteacher knows she spends time in here when I've no option to work. When I'm working, the same as lots of parents WFH, its hard to get her to do school work independently. She wants screen time and I'm trying to limit it so her option was a little bit of helping out or reading. Not screen time
Maybe I didn't word my inital post so well as I was being quick... or maybe I am as nasty as you all think I am !

@HelpMeh

YADBU. I'd be thrilled if my step kids (12) volunteered to read a book!

If it's a case of "Mum can I have some money for ###" and you say, "no, but you can earn it by doing ##", that's fine. But expecting a child to do actual work and then punishing by removing a book of all things is odd.

Maybe have a rethink of your approach as this is coming over as quite harsh parenting, particularly with an adopted child who I'd expect you to have to make extra allowances for emotionally and developmentally.

Yes- it is exactly her asking for things and me saying yes if you earn it. I don't take books away. just try to limit ipad

Atbu for being suprised she doesn't want to earn some easy cash at 10? No

Aybu to offer her money to help and then punish her for declining? Yes.

It isn't even like you said "OK now you're off school you're expected to do this" and then punished her for not doing it, but your punishing her for giving her a choice and her not complying with your expectations.

And way to go on the "if you won't comply your punishment is reading"

It’s morally and legally wrong OP to use your adopted daughter as child labour in your business. It doesn’t matter how easy or simple the tasks are, it is wrong! And then to punish her for not wanting to do it, is terribly abusive. She is only 10yrs old. She should be getting pocket money and not forced to earn it by doing a real job.

There is something between you either being correct or being a nasty mother. Maybe you’re trying your best but you’re getting this bit wrong. Maybe you’re being overly harsh on a ten year old. Give her a break, give yourself a break for getting it wrong and start again.

10 is a bit young tbh. Wait till she's 13. Let her be a child.