Seperation-where are my kids

[Preston321]

So my ex has moved on and living with his new gf, my girls go and stay with them. That's all fine but all I ask is the adress to know where my kids are. He won't inform me. Am I being unreasonable?

My ex did this for ages. He was bitter because the Police 'had a word' with him about sitting outside my house in his car.

I requested it every month. I supplied his children's new address unasked when we moved. He still refused. I sent his Christmas cards from his children care of his parents house. A bit cheeky but that worked.

Its a power trip. Making out that you are unhinged and not privy to the information for good reason. Unless someone is abusive then there's no reason to not know the address your children are at.
My ex did realise I filled in school forms with his address 'unknown' which told the school all of the shits he gave about his children's home and every day life.

I absolutely would want to know.

I would want to know too, I don't have any further reasoning than because I am their Mum and I would like to know where they are and who they are with.

HOWEVER, I know this isn't reason enough in legal terms unfortunately. My best friend has been fighting this very battle with an emotionally abusive stalker of an ex husband for almost 5 years 🙄

Posts like these are the reason I'll remain in a not so great marriage while my DC are small... I imagine this would be the kind of bullshit, controlling stunt my husband would pull.

YANBU OP, my children are the same age as yours and I couldn't bear not to know their whereabouts.

I would want to know, but he is their dad same as you are their mum and he doesn't have to tell you. Not much you can do unless he starts acting normal.

a concerned mum wanting to know where there kid is is bad?

@Emmalee95 I didn’t say it was. I didn’t even imply that. I simply said you don’t have a right to know, because you don’t.

so would you send your kids to mates or anywhere let alone 150 miles away not knowing where they were?

Again, the father is the equal other parent. It’s really none of your business what the kids get up to when they’re with him barring any obvious abuse, in which case they wouldn’t be with him at all.

@atomicblonde30 I appreciate all of what your saying and all the legal needs and rights. but basic human rights are very different. As stated before, he has asked to know if I move, details of who I am with and what I am doing. It's a control aspect on his behalf. I lived through an attempt of suicide not because of him but inspite of him. I'm not saying that makes the rest of things fall into place, in fact just makes them so much more complicated.im sick of being insulted by implications of control or abuse. I'm generally just a concerned mum. If you have kids and don't care where they are, shame on you, not me. I just want to know where my kids are and to be able to communicate with them. If that really that bad, call me a bad mum I'd rather that than make my kids feel like they had two seperated life's and their parents can't communicate

It's something I insisted on knowing when we were in court and judge completely supported this. Full address had to be provided before any contact could take place. Just say you'll let them go once he lets you know where they will be

Yes one parent should know the other parent's address if their children are staying/living there. It is standard practice unless there is a legal reason to withhold it (e.g. from an abusive partner with a non-molestation order against them).

All the people saying you don't have a right to it have obviously never gone to court. The judge was very clear to us that e.g. we shouldn't move without consulting each other (though the other parent shouldn't unreasonably object) and we should each know the other's address.

And she also made it clear that wasn't a specific issue related just to our case, it was absolutely standard for separated parents. There was other stuff too.

I don't think most separated parents understand what responsibilities they have. There should be information given on it to all of them, not just the ones who end up in court. Though that might be difficult practically, as they won't always come into contact with any services due to separating (especially if they aren't divorcing).

All the people saying you don't have a right to it have obviously never gone to court.

Yes precisely. And probably never been in a position where they've had to let their young child travel over 100 miles and have no idea where they actually are. I'm sure they'd think differently if it was them. Thankfully the family court does too!

@midnightstar66

It's something I insisted on knowing when we were in court and judge completely supported this. Full address had to be provided before any contact could take place. Just say you'll let them go once he lets you know where they will be

100% agree. This sort of petty point scoring is very frowned upon. Any judge would tell him to inform you. This isn't about you wanting to know. It's about him refusing to say. The two are slightly different. I have advised countless people engaged in contact/residence disputes. I would always advise (in the strongest terms) a client in your ex's position to let you have the address. Unless there was a good reason not to (eg DV, or history of you making a nuisance of yourself etc).

You need to let this go.

It sounds like your ex wants to parallel parent as opposed to co-parent, this is his right and you can’t force it further nor force him to change.

And honestly you may feel it is a basic human right but it isn’t, there is nothing in the human rights act that states parents are to know one another address or general location just because you would like to.

Can I ask if you’re still asking him for the address or other things? Because if your are please stop otherwise you could be quickly faced with a harassment issue.

As much as it may frustrate you dad has a right to privacy this include addresses, and you’ll only be tormenting yourself dwelling on it.

If he asks for info from you feel free to say no unless you want to divulge the info of course, personally I would just ignore him.

I’m no solicitor but I feel I have to make it known that I’ve supported countless families where the judge has supported in keep the address private, it appears to work on a case by case basis and is in no way guaranteed. Like I said not a solicitor but I felt it important to say it’s not guaranteed by the judge.

Personally I'd sew a cheap GPS tracker in my kid's backpack. Good precaution if they wander off and get lost anyway. But then this kind of behavior would drive me batty. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to tell me I'm crazy though.

Family court ordered that he disclose his address. That was 14 years ago though.

Unless there was some significant issue I don’t see why he wouldn’t give you an address. I’d feel really uncomfortable if my children were away from me for long periods without knowing where they are. I think any parent should be allowed to know where their child is (mother or father) unless there is a safety reason for them not knowing such as abuse.

I mean if they just didn’t come home as planned you’d have no way of knowing where they were.

Do the children not know where he lives then. I know they’re still young but my 4 year old knows the towns my parents live in and knows our village name etc. Has he told them where he lives, where they are when they visit him?

@Rtmhwales

Personally I'd sew a cheap GPS tracker in my kid's backpack. Good precaution if they wander off and get lost anyway. But then this kind of behavior would drive me batty. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to tell me I'm crazy though.

Not sure if that’s crazy or genius!

Honestly from a social worker and family mediator POV ‘just general needs’ isn’t going to cut the mustard. It really does seem like you can’t give a tangible reason as to why you need to know, it really does seem like you just want the information because it’s been denied to you

It’s posts like this that actual really unnerve me. That a social worker or family mediator can’t even get why a parent would want to know where their children are living. That there would have to be a tangible reason. That wanting to know where your children are is unreasonable. It’s not unreasonable is perfectly normal. Maybe this is why the family courts make so many bad judgements because aids are so out of touch.

I actually have a friend who was a social worker some of her views were alarming to be honest.

Good morning @EveleftEden.

Let’s remember to not let any prejudices about social work cloud your judgement, I’m not prepared to make any grand speech or declaration also I really don’t need to.

All I would like to say is I was speaking from an evidence based lived experience of my career so far and not my own personal viewpoint over the situation here, I don’t think how I feel about this emotionally or morally is going to help here. Please don’t confuse the two for the two are vastly different.

I’m aware mumsnet detests a social worker but let stay in reality and not twist the narrative to fit the hate.

GPS tracker is genius. I think it’s essential to know where your children are for all sorts of reasons, mostly your own mental well being OP.

atomicblonde30
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It really does seem like you can’t give a tangible reason as to why you need to know, it really does seem like you just want the information because it’s been denied to you

That looks like a personal view point to me

The number of PPs on here that think withholding an address for no good reason is ok amazes me. Not many courts would think that's acceptable and the withholder, resident or non-resident parent, would be marked as bloody awkward!

@Jiggeriepokerie No it doesn’t, there have been no real reason only that she would like it, that’s not a viewpoint it’s a fact.

I’m not prepared to disclose my personal viewpoint only that you do not know it nor do you get to tell me what it is.

@EveleftEden

Honestly from a social worker and family mediator POV ‘just general needs’ isn’t going to cut the mustard. It really does seem like you can’t give a tangible reason as to why you need to know, it really does seem like you just want the information because it’s been denied to you

It’s posts like this that actual really unnerve me. That a social worker or family mediator can’t even get why a parent would want to know where their children are living. That there would have to be a tangible reason. That wanting to know where your children are is unreasonable. It’s not unreasonable is perfectly normal. Maybe this is why the family courts make so many bad judgements because aids are so out of touch.

I actually have a friend who was a social worker some of her views were alarming to be honest.

@EveleftEden if it helps, I’m an ex social worker and I would not be happy with a mother (Or father) not being told where her children are without there being a specific need for that information to be kept confidential.

However social workers are often dealing with situations where there are lots of other factors and difficult relationships so maybe that’s the perspective that the commenter was coming from.

Anyway did the op didn’t mention involvement of social care in the court process?

When I discussed with my lawyer pre court that I wanted address she basically said it was a given that you'd be granted to know where your children are. There weren't any special circumstances, I just needed to know for my own piece of mind. There was never any doubt that he'd have to supply this information.