Seperation-where are my kids

[Preston321]

So my ex has moved on and living with his new gf, my girls go and stay with them. That's all fine but all I ask is the adress to know where my kids are. He won't inform me. Am I being unreasonable?

Same thing happened to me. My ex was deliberately being vexatious. I couldn’t do anything about it but eventually (a year down the line) I told him that if he wanted his address written in DD’s passport as an emergency contact then he needed to provide it. He did, in the end.

If it’s her house then she has every right to not want her address known by you you are no one of any importance to her after all, you say you want to know for emergencies but that makes no sense, in an emergency that would require you to be there then surely he or someone else would just call you and give it then. You then say you should know as a mother which again makes no sense.

To be blunt it seems you’re just pissed off because he won’t do as you’re telling him to do. He’s obviously not going to tell you and he clearly knows he has no legal right to tell you so leave him be. Stop wasting your time and energy and just leave it until he tells you should he ever wish to.

If it’s her house then she has every right to not want her address known by you you are no one of any importance to her after all

I disagree with this - if OP's DC are in this person's home, OP is someone of importance. At least, OP should be someone of importance if they wish to provide a stable, co-operative relationship for their DC.

Ex and I get on well. I wouldn't hesitate to tell him he was being an arsehole if he tried to hide his address from me, but he wouldn't because he's not controlling or secretive. Likewise he'd bollock me if I pulled the same stunt. It's odd not to know where your own DC are staying. It's odd not to respect your Ex (whom you once loved enough to share children with) enough to build a positive relationship. (Abusive relationships aside - clearly there are times when for safety reasons the address shouldn't be known).

So glad your your comment bbang as I can't attach you. I have multiple reasons for concern and any parent would want to know where there kid is. If it was something asked of me I'd do it from one decent parent to another. It may be her house but committing to share that with my ex means sharing it with my kids and means as a mum I have a right to know. Can't commit to that, don't commit to the move. There's many random yet just cercomstance where I'd need to know, and I think if your a parent you would see you would want to know where your kids were at least to the road. As I've said I don't need a house number just something so if anything happens or if they feel sad or lost i can help. I look at it as any mother that doesn't know where there kids are, shame on them. But I'm trying not to judge just ask for opinions

The second she takes my kids I am of importance

i do see what you mean, but if that's the law, then it will only upset you further to rail against it.
could you at least rehearse your children in knowing your address, which would go some way to addressing the what if emergency scenario.
you could make it like a little play, like pretend to ring the doctor, emergency number, do they know how to do that, and give your address. i know its only yours not his, but it is something, a point of contact if he was unable to explain where they had to go home to.
also it might help them be more aware of addresses, locations.
this is good practice generally. just in case. and build up observation skills. eg what colour is our front door. do we live in a flat or a house.

I’m trying not to be too harsh but honestly you are acting absolutely delusional and impossibly entitled. She owes you nothing absolutely nothing and she never will do, the only person that owes you anything is your ex and he’s made it clear you aren’t to know for now. Just because she’s in a relationship with your ex and is present in your children’s lives doesn’t mean she needs to then step aside and make room for you in hers, you have absolutely zero right to know where her home is if she doesn’t wish you to it’s really that simple.

You are far to invested in this and sound frankly obsessive and controlling, I can imagine based on what you’re saying and how you’re acting that there’s probably a very good reason they’re protecting their privacy so much.

How is a postcode, street name or town going to help if your child feels sad? That makes no sense, and if they’re lost then surely the police would be involved and your ex would contact you. You’re being ridiculous, just because you want to know doesn’t mean you have any kind of right.

Honestly I agree with the PP. You have no legal right to know and I too get the impression they don’t want you to know for a good reason.

You don’t need the address you just want it which I do understand, however, I’m sure dad can handle any emergencies or problems that may occur he is their dad after all. And should you need to be contacted I’m sure dad or someone else can pick up the phone and call you.

This is something you’ll just have to let go and relinquish control over because it won’t change until dad or his partner are good and ready. These are boundaries set up by them for reason they don’t need to tell you but must be important to them, respect them and don’t push this because you’ll come away looking like the bad guy trust me.

Move on from this and give yourself some peace and your ex less headspace.

Give your kids a phone and get them to send a viber/whatsap when they arrive. If you put the location sender on it will show you where they are.

means as a mum I have a right to know.

Emmalee95 No it doesn’t. You don’t have a right to know. You just want to know; there’s a difference.

I think you should know. I was in a similar situation with my daughter, turned out he was living in a caravan somewhere, he also didn't let me talk to her, she was only supposed to stay one night, he kept her for four nights and then his sister turned up with her. She hated it , said he smacked her hard and she was crying for me. Haven't let him see her since.

@eugh

I think you should know. I was in a similar situation with my daughter, turned out he was living in a caravan somewhere, he also didn't let me talk to her, she was only supposed to stay one night, he kept her for four nights and then his sister turned up with her. She hated it , said he smacked her hard and she was crying for me. Haven't let him see her since.

Eugh that’s awful, your poor dd.

I think both parents should have a right to know where their children are living (unless they are in hiding due to violence) Any mature adult wouldn’t have an issue with this. It would really make me question the state of mind of the adult wanting to hide this and if they were capable of looking after my children properly tbh.

@Bbang I will tell you how I feel and its protective, watch my muma bear
Claws come out now I'm entitled because as a mother I want to know where my kids are. I don't feel the need for police or anyone else in hope we can solve this as amicable adults. My kids love spending time with them, I'm not shunning or objecting it. I just want to be a decent parent and know where they are

@heartsonacake a concerned mum wanting to know where there kid is is bad? If I was a mum that sent their kids off to people or mated with no idea where they were I'm sure it would be different

With all due respected you do know where they are, they are with their dad safe and happy.

What is it you are so concerned about that you need an address for?

@Bbang are you delitional. If you want zero to do with me donr accept my kids into your life. And if her adress was to be kept secret don't take my kids there. If your OK with not knowing where your kids are, of there sad, if you need to pick them up in an emergency I feel your the one that need to be checked. I do not imply control of so this would have been implyed from day dot. Im simply a mum who cares enough where her kids are, if you don't care where yours are. I thi k that says a lot more about you than me

@atomicblonde30 just general needs, a simple, basic, human right

@heartsonacake so would you send your kids to mates or anywhere let alone 150 miles away not knowing where they were? Yes there with there dad bit if you read a man that threatens not to bring them back and refuses to see his kids come first. Maybe take a step back and see how it would feel first

Unless there is a history of you behaving badly I think you ARE entitled to know. I'm a family lawyer and if you were my client I'd be insisting. It's perfectly reasonable. He is playing pathetic games refusing to tell you. Why should it be a secret? He knows where you live! Can you imagine if you moved and refused to tell him where you were living and made him pick the DCs up from somewhere neutral, telling him he isn't entitled to know the address?
Some people want to create arguments over non-issues. This is a non-issue if there is no history of bad behaviour on your part which would justify the secrecy.

@atomicblonde30 I'm concerned about my kids being returned, them not knowing what to do if they have nothing, and the basic human need as a mum to know where my kids are. If they were 15 and I d said I don't know where my kids are, people will judge. Yet as a mum asking to know I'm still the bad guy?

Honestly I can’t really make head nor tail of what you’re saying now may I suggest proof reading? Clearly you don’t appear to like that I’ve hit the nail on the head with you hence the crazy ranting responses an hour apart.

Your ex’s partner doesn’t owe you one iota of anything just because yours and her partners kids are in her life, you are certifiable to think she’s needs to toe your line. She’s needs not do a thing for you.

If they’ve decided they want to keep her address private (not a secret just private) then they can do because they can do as they please, and you foaming at the mouth isn’t going to change that.

I’m not sure why you don’t think I don’t know or care where my children are? They are upstairs in their beds as it’s 11pm nearly and their dad is downstairs with me. Not sure how that’s relevant though . .

Like I said above your behaviour is incredibly telling and I think it’s fairly obvious why you aren’t allowed to know.

You do have a right to know. Call off the visits till he tells you where they are. They're your kids. He knows where you are. He is being ridiculous.

There's a poster on here who used a service who will locate AWOL people for £60. She used it in order to give his address to Child Maintenance service

Honestly from a social worker and family mediator POV ‘just general needs’ isn’t going to cut the mustard. It really does seem like you can’t give a tangible reason as to why you need to know, it really does seem like you just want the information because it’s been denied to you.

Many other parents don’t know where the other one lives, this is something that crops up a great deal when I mediate and it always ends the same way because legally unless there is tangible proven evidence of harm, mistreatment or abuse then dad has a right to privacy especially as the home doesn’t belong to him.

You could take it to a solicitor but you’d pay a fortune for odds that aren’t in your favour, you need to let this go for your own sake.

When yours kids are older they’ll probably just tell you the address.

As for the threat to not return, we can trace people very easily with just a name so really I wouldn’t be too concerned about that and in my experience that’s usually bluster and not actually a real life occurrence. You could always take it to a solicitor and ask for a CO or PSO for some protection if that did happen but like I said he’s probably just trying to get under you skin with that.

Ignore him and leave off the address thing for your own sake.

@Bbang clearly this has hit a nerv for you and whatever you foam at is enough for you to chew on others. I still stick with if you except kids in your life you except there whole life. That includes there mum. Also as a mum I have a right to state what I get confruted with isn't what I agree with. Just because an ex does something doesn't mean I need to agree to do the same with my kids. I'm their mum. Like it or not my opinion counts, and as Co parents we should listen to one another. The point hollow head is I do care where my kids are. Here with me with a friend at child care or with their dad. If I didn't care I would be a bad mum so please tell me what you expect. Anyone who is happy to let their kids go off with no idea as to where on my cards is a bad mum. Deem me controlling or nasty all you please. But I don't need a number of the house just a rough location of my kids as I actually care about them. If you think I'm a crazy horribly person for simply being humane maybe you need to check your humanity