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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seperation-where are my kids

118 replies

Preston321 · 30/06/2020 11:50

So my ex has moved on and living with his new gf, my girls go and stay with them. That's all fine but all I ask is the adress to know where my kids are. He won't inform me. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Settlersofcatan · 30/06/2020 12:23

I'm not asking for house number and full adress

But what is the point of knowing Sevenoaks or Canterbury but not a street address? How will that be useful knowledge?

LovingLola · 30/06/2020 12:25

I just believe in an emergency if they were there and called me in a panic say, I'd need to know.

At 2 and 4 they won’t be calling you.

WorraLiberty · 30/06/2020 12:26

OP what reason has he given for not wanting to tell you?

Original poster
Preston321 · 30/06/2020 12:29

My kids are 2 and 4 if they were old enough to help themself or me in a situation where I could get someone or myself to them It wouldn't be as important to me. I don't even know the nearest hospital to them or what part of the county they are in. I realise he doesn't have to legally tell me, but if I moved I'm sure he'd want to know where his kids were. Also school forms require the information. Maybe I'm overthinking it all, just feel like it's not an unreasonable request.

OP posts:
Original poster
Preston321 · 30/06/2020 12:29

His reason is just 'you don't need to know'

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyAway · 30/06/2020 12:29

I didn’t tell my ex my address for 4 years. He was an abusive POS. Is your ex protecting himself from you?

belfastmillie · 30/06/2020 12:31

Sorry op, that is awful. I know a lot of more knowlegable people here have advised that you don't legally need to know, but on a human level, the idea of not knowing where my babies were especially at such a small age, is heartbreaking. Flowers Cake I hope your ex relaxed somewhat in time and become more communicative. It's going to be a tough road trying to coparent with someone that won't even share their location. I hope you have a good support network.

Original poster
Preston321 · 30/06/2020 12:35

I can know a postcode or street name and not a house number. And yes at two and four they won't be calling me but in a year or so they will. They always have my number on them. I feel like it's something I should know, I understand some don't. But as a mum I just wouldn't ever want my kids to be somewhere that I don't know. Weather there 2 or 15.

OP posts:
Original poster
Preston321 · 30/06/2020 12:38

@PurpleButterflyAway
Not sure I'm happy with that implication my ex partner nor I was ever abusive. He just states that I don't need to know. That's all the reasoning I have.

OP posts:
Howaboutanewname · 30/06/2020 12:47

How old are they? How far away is he?

You can pursue the matter in court - if there is no evidence of abuse of your ex on your part, a judge should order he hands over the address. He knows where you live after all. However, it’s not clear cut and you won’t necessarily get that outcome. Do you trust him to parent decently? It’s a bit of a control thing so it might be easier just to let him get on with it.

dottiedodah · 30/06/2020 12:48

Surely this cant be right? What if there was an emergency FFS .What would happen then? Can you appeal to his better nature and just ask for your own piece of mind .Is he being obstructive do you think

InFiveMins · 30/06/2020 12:52

Cannot stand parents like this who are petty. Of course he should tell you the address, you're their mother. To those arguing she has no right to know where her children are, would you be comfortable with this?

He needs to grow up and give you the address instead of playing petty games.

Ugzbugz · 30/06/2020 12:53

My and is girlfriend moved 150 miles away and didn’t want me to know the address, think I was made out to be a loon but she so incredibly thick her details were easy to obtain online and no I’ve never been there, but the joke of the matter is is that she comes to mine with the ex to collect our dS!!

Absolutely astounding behaviour.

I think legally you don’t need to know but it’s totally unacceptable. Maybe move yourself and don’t tell him where his own children live.

EveleftEden · 30/06/2020 12:56

[quote Preston321]@PurpleButterflyAway
Not sure I'm happy with that implication my ex partner nor I was ever abusive. He just states that I don't need to know. That's all the reasoning I have.[/quote]
Preston have you ever been to court was this discussed there?

diddl · 30/06/2020 13:12

[quote Preston321]@PurpleButterflyAway
Not sure I'm happy with that implication my ex partner nor I was ever abusive. He just states that I don't need to know. That's all the reasoning I have.[/quote]
That's a pretty unusual stance if things are/were amicable.

Perhaps the GF doesn't want you to know her address?

Bbang · 30/06/2020 13:51

Who’s house is it?

Emmalee95 · 30/06/2020 14:36

It was hers, I don't believe it's owned though. He lives there now though so, theirs I guess. I can understand saying its her place but when committing to live together your committing that place to be theirs too. If my kids have a room and they live there together. Who's name is on the tenancy shouldn't change their mum knowing where they are surly?

FlamedToACrisp · 30/06/2020 17:24

I don't think YABU at all. What if he decided he wasn't going to bring them back? It would worry the hell out of me. But perhaps that's the idea - to make you feel insecure. Or are you likely to turn up there and make a fuss?

1moreRep · 30/06/2020 17:31

got to say op there sounds like a bigger story here, was your breakup nasty? has there been a lot of drama? this is the only reason i would give for not wanting my boyfriend to tell his ex where i live if he was staying with his kids

Emmalee95 · 30/06/2020 17:54

@FlamedToACrisp he lives 150 miles away even if I wanted to I couldn't, not that I would or ever have. I do worry a lot and feel its a simple question with a simple answer. If I moved if tell him, with a partner or not

Emmalee95 · 30/06/2020 17:56

@1moreRep depends how you see nasty. I was suffering from depression and he left me a week after I tried to commit suicide. I had my mental heath to build and a one and two year old to raise. He then used me for a year invetween women. I feel if anyone has a reason to be nasty it would be me. I've accepted he moved on, just want a little give with all I take

Starlight39 · 30/06/2020 18:02

I guess technically you don't need to know but I would be very very unhappy about it and he's being really unfair and just petty really! He presumably knows where you live so you should know the same about him - I suspect he would want your new address if you moved.

Can you find it through the electoral role or something like this: www.tracegenie.com/ (I just got that through a quick google - no idea if they're a decent company or not!).

Emmalee95 · 30/06/2020 18:08

He has actually requested knowing since my kids mention we will be moving soon, the irony

unicornsarereal72 · 30/06/2020 18:13

As previous posters have said there is no legal obligation for you to have the address. It is about control. I did not have the address where my ex was although not 150 miles away. No I didn't like it. Could I do anything about it. No. So wasn't worth the fuss.

I also could not pursue CMS claim without an address for him.

As for school info. I would give him the opportunity to share the details. And if he doesn't then he isn't involved in any of the school decisions. Ex had issue with this when my eldest changed school. But I didn't even have a phone number for him at that point. We communicated through messenger or his g/f phone number. So how was I suppose to give school his details.

My ex isn't the best parent. But the kids are safe with him. And I'm sure if there was an emergency he or his gf would give me the details as I need them. I'm not playing his games. So don't rise to it.

Emmalee95 · 30/06/2020 18:48

@unicornsarereal72 thankyou it's nice to hear a level head of both sides and normally I'm the same, just couldn't see a true reason for the other side of this. I won't keep chasing and giving him power and I think what you say rings a lot of truths. If I can't have that information he's atomaticly excluded from a lot. I believe they are looked after and we'll, but I've also been told he won't bring them back. Or that tires burst and multiple other reasons for postponed drop offs so I find it hard to trust in just his word alone. Just feel like he has all the power and I guess it sucks to know that. Just sometimes it's not with the argument, even if someone is being unhumane