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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that all my friends always act like they have to 'fit me in' to a small slot in their schedule?

86 replies

VioletGrace · 29/06/2020 12:43

Every bloody friend I've got is like it. If I suggest meeting up with anyone they're all always 'so busy' (Yet have plenty of time for other friends), and it's a case of 'Hmmmm, I've got a one hour slot 4 weeks' on Wednesday from 3 to 4pm, I could fit you in then for a quick coffee.'

Another friend has done it to me today. She is always doing things with other friends such as girls' holidays, weekends away, nights out etc but although quick to contact me if she wants something, can never fit me in and if so it's always weeks away for a 'quick coffee'.

AIBU to just never bother contacting any friends who act like this? I also find that no friends ever have anything nice to say about me. They gush over other friends on social media and talk about others about what they say is gospel, but no one is interested in anything I have to say, or in anything about me.

OP posts:
User8008135 · 29/06/2020 12:46

How many friends is this? Are they all friends with each other? It seems strange for a large number to all be that way unless you are all part of the same group?

Step away and don't waste time on those who make it clear you are just slotted in and not really up for meeting. They aren't worth it.

Thinkingg · 29/06/2020 12:48

Invest your time in the friends that show they value you.

Original poster
VioletGrace · 29/06/2020 12:49

No they're all separate friends from each other. One of them has a big group of 'cool' friends that she hangs round with and she literally hangs on their every word. If they were to tell her to jump she would ask 'How high?', and she tells me every minute detail about these friends but never listens to me.

Another always goes on about how busy she is and to be honest I've given up on trying to meet with her as the last time I suggested doing anything she couldn't slot me in for 6 weeks! And even then it would just have meant me going to her house for a quick coffee.

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 29/06/2020 12:49

OP having had similar experiences with so called friends, I have concluded that it's all excuses. People find time for the things they want and excuses for what they don't want. Ditch them all. A friendship is a reciprocal relationship and if you have to do all the instigation for contact and meet ups it's not really a friendship, is it?

Original poster
VioletGrace · 29/06/2020 12:50

I also find that, in general, friends just want to use me as a sounding board and to listen to them talk about themselves. They seem to listen to everyone else and remember everything about others, but have no interest at all in anything I have to say. Even when my mum died two years ago, only one friend sent a card and no one else even bothered to check up on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletGrace · 29/06/2020 12:52

Anyone who ever instigates anything with me is always after something. For example I became friends with a woman who goes to an exercise class I go to and she made a huge effort to be my friend but she literally just wanted someone to listen to her problems, to give her lifts and just to use really.

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 29/06/2020 12:55

OP by your updates it is becoming clear these people aren't your friends. Sad as it is, please value and respect yourself to know you deserve more. Ditch them and set higher standards for your future friends.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 29/06/2020 12:55

Seems strange that every single friend you have does this! Very odd.

But use your time elsewhere. You deserve more than the dregs of their time

Original poster
VioletGrace · 29/06/2020 12:56

I guess it's just because no one ever values me. I'm probably a type that just isn't valued.

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 29/06/2020 12:57

Another thing to consider is the difference between friends and acquaintances. In my opinion, what most people think are their friends, is in fact acquaintances. People you don't see or speak to a lot and they aren't a part of your life par the occasional socialising. Friends, real proper friends that are part of your family and almost like family are extremely rare.

cushioncovers · 29/06/2020 12:57

I had a friend like this. She Would do lots of fun things with other people but I always got 'just a Coffee' when she had time. It was hurtful at the time but I gradually phased her out of my life and feel much better for it.

AfterSchoolWorry · 29/06/2020 12:58

They're not friends, they're users.

Don't allow people to use you.

Original poster
VioletGrace · 29/06/2020 12:59

I would love just one or two good friends that were like family. Unfortunately we moved towns when I was a couple of years into secondary school and so I lost touch with childhood friends and the kids at my new school were unwelcoming, and very tough, so I was just bullied throughout the rest of secondary school.

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletGrace · 29/06/2020 13:00

The thing is, so I just ditch them all and stop bothering? As then I would have no friends really. But I just can't face being slotted in for a quick coffee in six weeks' time anymore.

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 29/06/2020 13:00

@VioletGrace

I guess it's just because no one ever values me. I'm probably a type that just isn't valued.
If you view yourself in that way, you will attract these types of people.

Stop self pity, detach from fakery and learn to love yourself. Only then you will exhibit the healthy dynamics to attract the right crowd.

I went through the same btw. And have decided I would rather be completely alone, than put up with less than I deserve.

Fuck them all and chin up. You will learn from this and get there.

Immigrantsong · 29/06/2020 13:01

@VioletGrace

The thing is, so I just ditch them all and stop bothering? As then I would have no friends really. But I just can't face being slotted in for a quick coffee in six weeks' time anymore.
Yes so what? What's scary about being alone?

Aren't you alone now?

If it's random socialising with people, check out the meet up app.

These people don't care for you. Why are you happy accepting this?

AfterSchoolWorry · 29/06/2020 13:01

@VioletGrace

The thing is, so I just ditch them all and stop bothering? As then I would have no friends really. But I just can't face being slotted in for a quick coffee in six weeks' time anymore.
Yes.
Jeremyironsnothing · 29/06/2020 13:02

Not necessarily users.

I have a couple of "friends" I like well enough, but tbh I meet them more because they are keen to do it. I'd feel bad letting them down.

Immigrantsong · 29/06/2020 13:04

@Jeremyironsnothing

Not necessarily users.

I have a couple of "friends" I like well enough, but tbh I meet them more because they are keen to do it. I'd feel bad letting them down.

Yes but at least you do meet.

The OP is facing massive difficulties in getting her so called friends to meet.

Your situation is different. You realise that you make an effort to meet your friends need to see more frequently than perhaps you would instigate.

The OP is completely sidelined and ignored.

Original poster
VioletGrace · 29/06/2020 13:05

Thank you so much everyone. You're all confirming what I am thinking my next steps need to be, hard as it may be. I do have acquaintances from fitness classes that I go to and get invited on nights out etc with them, plus I have two girls who are late teens and are always happy to do things with me, so at least I won't be stuck at home constantly with nothing sociable to do, ever.

OP posts:
Isthisfinallyit · 29/06/2020 13:09

Thank you so much everyone. You're all confirming what I am thinking my next steps need to be, hard as it may be. I do have acquaintances from fitness classes that I go to and get invited on nights out etc with them, plus I have two girls who are late teens and are always happy to do things with me, so at least I won't be stuck at home constantly with nothing sociable to do, ever.

There you go, they sound nicer than your "friends". Every friend starts as an acquaintance. I'd focus more on them and stop responding to the six week coffee people.

BrexitBingoGenerator · 29/06/2020 13:12

My uni friends are like this OP. They're always super busy and have loads of other groups of friends.
It is tricky sometimes and I do feel like a wally when I send them big long WhatsApps and no-one really ever responds 😬. Why don't you just let them all drift for a bit and see how long it takes them to get back in touch? In the meantime start a really random but absorbing hobby that you can immerse yourself in whenever you start to worry about it. It does you no good at all to worry and risk feeling bitter- it saps your energy and makes you feel a weight of sadness that's hard to shift. It doesn't sound like they make you happy anyway. If they get back in touch then, great. If not, well- you're best off without them.

Cauterize · 29/06/2020 13:21

Ah yes I have a friend like this. Ask if she wants to meet up and she makes a big song and dance about checking her diary and then says oh yes how about on such and such a date (which is always 6-8 weeks in advance)

I don't bother much anymore. She gets a kick out of being in demand, it's quite sad really.

Jeremyironsnothing · 29/06/2020 13:22

Immigrant I think I should have put a comma in before the more.

It changes the context of what I said and how you interpreted it.

poppyfieldsinmay · 29/06/2020 13:23

she made a huge effort to be my friend but she literally just wanted someone to listen to her problems, to give her lifts

Um, this probably was her way of being friends. She may have become a friend. Was she lonely and unhappy? It is hard to make friends if your life is like this as your unhappiness is on your mind so you do talk about it to someone who will listen. It doesn't mean she was using you. She may have just being reaching out to you.