To be upset that all my friends always act like they have to 'fit me in' to a small slot in their schedule?

[VioletGrace]

Every bloody friend I've got is like it. If I suggest meeting up with anyone they're all always 'so busy' (Yet have plenty of time for other friends), and it's a case of 'Hmmmm, I've got a one hour slot 4 weeks' on Wednesday from 3 to 4pm, I could fit you in then for a quick coffee.'

Another friend has done it to me today. She is always doing things with other friends such as girls' holidays, weekends away, nights out etc but although quick to contact me if she wants something, can never fit me in and if so it's always weeks away for a 'quick coffee'.

AIBU to just never bother contacting any friends who act like this? I also find that no friends ever have anything nice to say about me. They gush over other friends on social media and talk about others about what they say is gospel, but no one is interested in anything I have to say, or in anything about me.

Poppyfields, I couldn't have a friendship where it was constantly based on her moaning and wanting lifts and money lent to her. I don't think she could name one or two things about me, I couldn't get a word on edge ways. And her moaning made me depressed.

Shit! Name change fail!

It sounds like the bullying at school has, understandably, left you with low self-esteem. 'Friends' seem to unconsciously pick up on this and treat you accordingly. I think if you could learn to value yourself more you would get treated better by people. Ditching these user friends is a start.

OP you need to invest your time in other people. Conversely, I have a lot of acquaintances that whilst i consider them to be friends, I don't want to spend a lot of time with them and they do IYKWIM. We are at different stages in life or just have different interests. One for example used to phone me at least 3 times per week and talk for an hour, which I really don't want. Another's children have left home now and she wants to meet up at times that are really inconvenient for me (or maybe I just don't want to meet up as frequently as she wants) so I do say things like I can meet up for an hour next Thursday as I feel bad that I'm not meeting up to her expectations.

Ha ha a friend slots you in in 6 weeks time - OMG is she Queen of the World or something.

That's not a friend you're better off just not contacting anymore.

I just want to attract/be friends with people where it would be a balanced friendship, both there for each other, not with one person basically being needy constantly and the other just being there as a semi carer for them.

I do seem to attract users I have to admit. A neighbour became 'friendly' with me about a year ago but her definition of friendship was to send me reams and reams of texts about herself, and her problems, and just stopped replying if I ever mentioned anything about myself. She also wanted me to pick her kids up from school, babysit her youngest and do her constant favours then got the hump when I wouldn't babysit one day

What is it like when you do meet up with these people? I'm just wondering whether, because you don't get to spend time with them often, you might talk too much or overstay your welcome when you do get to meet up (which then puts them off meeting up the next time).

Btw I also had a good friend once who seemed to have tired of me and said she could slot me in for 6 weeks time. That is the last time we spoke.

@VioletGrace

I just want to attract/be friends with people where it would be a balanced friendship, both there for each other, not with one person basically being needy constantly and the other just being there as a semi carer for them.

I do seem to attract users I have to admit. A neighbour became 'friendly' with me about a year ago but her definition of friendship was to send me reams and reams of texts about herself, and her problems, and just stopped replying if I ever mentioned anything about myself. She also wanted me to pick her kids up from school, babysit her youngest and do her constant favours then got the hump when I wouldn't babysit one day

That supports what I have posted to you before.

It seems you may have a co dependent personality and may need to unpick this in an effort to attract healthy relationships.

At the moment, because you want the friendship more, this has created a bizarre dynamic of inequality.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite I barely get a word in edgeways as usually they just talk about themselves and I'm expected to listen then after 45 minutes or so they're so busy they get up and go to meet one of their other friends, no doubt to listen to said friend, spend loads of time with them and hang on their every word.

@Immigrantsong

Could you add a link or where to find please?

If it's random socialising with people, check out the meet up app.

13:00Immigrantsong

VioletGrace

I guess it's just because no one ever values me. I'm probably a type that just isn't valued.

If you view yourself in that way, you will attract these types of people.

Stop self pity, detach from fakery and learn to love yourself. Only then you will exhibit the healthy dynamics to attract the right crowd.

I went through the same btw. And have decided I would rather be completely alone, than put up with less than I deserve.

Fuck them all and chin up. You will learn from this and get there.

All of this.
I've had a lot of time to realise that I have undervalued myself for years. Hence I have been undervalued by other people.
I'm in the process of starting to change my friends and attitudes towards myself. It's not easy to accept being alone over having lots of friends who don't really care about me but lockdown and recent trauma has really highlighted that I am completely self reliant including no family support. Depressing in a way but will save me a lot of effort in the future

The thing is, you don't even seem to like these people. Little negative views (which you're entitled to) litter your posts.

So you're taking a self-esteem hit for people you don't even like.

I know hugely empathetic people who LIKE being the sort of friend you describe yourself being. They LIKE hearing endless stuff about other's problems and solving them or being sympathetic. It's absolutely fine if that's not your thing, but you seem to be giving off those vibes.

[quote Whysomanyexcuses]@Immigrantsong

Could you add a link or where to find please?

If it's random socialising with people, check out the meet up app.[/quote]
Apologies not sure how to link or if it is possible.

Meet up is an app you can download via your mobile. It then shows you all activities in your area.

A lot currently is via zoom due to social distancing and there is a variety of activities to suit all.

Hope this helps.

I don't keep friends that are obnoxious, I used to but this year something snapped and I got rid of two longstanding friends who brought no joy into my life and were quite toxic.
Its a relief.

In that case, OP, I would dump them. If they just talk about themselves and don't ask about you and take an interest in your life, then they aren't real friends.
You might need some therapy to work on your self-esteem though too.

I had a 'friend' once who was always busy 'seeing friends' whenever I rang to arrange something. So I left it several months. Next time I called she had a go at me saying that real friends were supposed to keep in touch with one another. It was only after we rang off that I thought "Hey, you haven't been keeping in touch with me either..."
I gave it one more go and suggested we meet up for a drink in the local pub up the road and she said "Oh, we're always going out there, why don't you come along and join us sometime". So basically, rather than her actually ask me along, I had to check and see whether they were already going out, and insert myself into their gathering.

Gee thanks.

I didn't bother, and we haven't spoken since.

You can make new friends without dumping the old ones though - there isn't a set number!

Rather than meet up one-to-one, a group get-together might work better for you. For example, the fitness class - see if a few people (or the whole class) would be interested in going out for a meal.

I have friends like these. Old friends. Always rearranging or cancelling or turning a night out into a quick coffee. They just assumed I'd always be there and they didn't need to make an effort. Like a doormat. Much more effort was needed with other newer or more important friends. I just started playing them at their own game. Was always busy, couldn't fit them in etc. If they cancelled and tried to rearrange I'd be too busy. It's fine now. I feel better because my time is just as important as theirs. I am just as interesting as these new sparkly friends and I have made clear I'm not taking any of the crap. If they are good friends they'll stick around. If they disappear you are well rid and they have lost out.

Why are you trying to maintain your friendships with them?

I'm sorry that your friends don't treat you well. I have found that as I get older I don't have the time or headspace to deal with people who don't reciprocate in a friendship. It's a two-way relationship. If they can't be bothered to make time for you then don't waste your time worrying about them. It's likely to be friendships that would fizzle out anyway with not much contact. Invest your time in genuine friendships, people that have checked in with you recently. However I know these true friends are hard to find and build those relationships

I have a friend that I meet sometimes on my days off..if I didn't keep to a time it would likely be all day as time goes so quickly when we meet. I like my alone time to recharge, get jobs done,and potter around the house
I feel I need to use these boundaries so I have time to also do what I need to do
For example, I ended up meeting her later than planned one day (due to a situation at her side). I had made my home time clear earlier (I had a reason to get back) and she asked my 'why?' when i said i needed to go..which is a reason why I am like this with her. I would feel bad about letting her down also

OP I think you might benefit from a bit of face to face or Skype counselling to reflect on the bullying you experienced in your teens and to develop a strong sense of self worth and self esteem. It seems like the bullying has dented your confidence to the extent that it's still affecting the kid of people you attract, years later.

People do tend to have a subconscious sense for the doormats and the kind, self-effacing people who will let them waffle on about their own lives, take and take and give nothing back. A true friendship is mutual, loving and reciprocal - a bit like a romantic relationship needs to be, but minus the romance and sex. It's still a relationship. These friends are the platonic equivalent to the man who phones you only when he fancies a quick shag and an ego boost, gets his kicks but never bothers to see if you've come or had a good time, and then fucks off again back to his regular girlfriend/s. You wouldn't put up with that (I hope) so why put up with 'friends' who treat you like shit?

I strongly recommend working on yourself and doing some deep reflection with a counsellor, otherwise you can meet and befriend hundreds of people but it will likely go the same way and you will end up feeling the same. I know how crap it is and I am having a similar period of realisation during the pandemic about my friendships and how many of them aren't real or don't give a toss. It hurts. But build yourself up and keep the focus on you, and you can move past this time. x

I've had "friends" who are like this, particularly if someone new comes on the scene. I just let it fizzle out. Lots of people are only interested in themselves and never really listen to what you are saying, they are just waiting for their chance to start talking again.

@VioletGrace

No they're all separate friends from each other. One of them has a big group of 'cool' friends that she hangs round with and she literally hangs on their every word. If they were to tell her to jump she would ask 'How high?', and she tells me every minute detail about these friends but never listens to me.

Another always goes on about how busy she is and to be honest I've given up on trying to meet with her as the last time I suggested doing anything she couldn't slot me in for 6 weeks! And even then it would just have meant me going to her house for a quick coffee.

Read your own post my lovely. These are acquintances -not friends. Find your tribe. Darling -these are NOT them.