To be upset that all my friends always act like they have to 'fit me in' to a small slot in their schedule?

[VioletGrace]

Every bloody friend I've got is like it. If I suggest meeting up with anyone they're all always 'so busy' (Yet have plenty of time for other friends), and it's a case of 'Hmmmm, I've got a one hour slot 4 weeks' on Wednesday from 3 to 4pm, I could fit you in then for a quick coffee.'

Another friend has done it to me today. She is always doing things with other friends such as girls' holidays, weekends away, nights out etc but although quick to contact me if she wants something, can never fit me in and if so it's always weeks away for a 'quick coffee'.

AIBU to just never bother contacting any friends who act like this? I also find that no friends ever have anything nice to say about me. They gush over other friends on social media and talk about others about what they say is gospel, but no one is interested in anything I have to say, or in anything about me.

Do you tend to be late?
I have to do this to a friend and say i have a commitment after. Just one example was going out for an early brunch with her got to hers at 11 and did not leave hers until about 1 and didnt get home until about 6 as she wanted to go here there and everywhere (she does not drive) so now i always make it very specific and show im short of time

However, just read your replies i would give up on the friendshit if i were you

Honestly?

Stop chasing. By being the one who wants to see them, as opposed to the other way round, you send subconscious signals that you are the lesser party to the friendship, who can be treated worse without fear of repercussion.

I realised this in my thirties. I had a neighbour who I was friendly with but it felt like I made so much more effort. So I just.... stopped. A few months later, she started texting me, wanting to meet etc. Now it's quite balanced, but if i feel she isnt trying I pull back and it restores balance.

The thing is, if this happens with everyone, every time - and you seem to feel that this is the case - then the common factor is you. Which isn't at all to say that you're a bad, unlikeable or unvalued person, but it does mean that if you don't figure out how you end up in this dynamic you're just going to repeat it over and over again. It's not a solution to just wait for someone nicer to come along because in some way, however inadvertently, it seems you're creating this situation.

You know too many arseholes. It's time for a shake down. Get rid of them. Being alone for a little while is better than having shit friends that don't treat you well.

This has happened to me before. I made new friends via friend/meet up apps. Might sound a bit sad but I was pleasantly surprised to find a lot of nice normal people on there. I made a couple of really good friends who I am still close to now. I'll take those 2 good friends any day over a big network of people who don't really give a fuck about me.

It is very annoying when you realise that you’re not as important to someone as they are to you, but I’m afraid that’s what it boils down to. I have stopped trying with certain people in the past because it’s just frustrating after a while.

OP I have a friend like you and I’m one of the “mean” friends only offering a coffee or something short. I’m very sorry, this won’t be what you want to hear but basically I don’t really enjoy spending time with her / don’t have that much in common with her but I feel sorry for her, so that’s why I don’t cut her off or refuse to meet completely, but equally I don’t want to spend lots of time with her when I don’t enjoy it. It would be better for both of us if she cut me off and found better friends that truly value her company.

Also, are you fairly quiet? Your lack of self esteem might mean you don’t value your own news/stories/opinions highly enough to speak up and your friends might therefore do all the talking to fill the silence. That’s what ends up happening with my friend (I do ask her about her life but I only get short answers back and it’s like drawing blood from a stone).

I would focus on building your self esteem so you feel you have more to offer and then look at making new friendships as the current ones are doing nothing for you.

Either you have particularly bad friends, or you may be depressed or anxious for other reasons and are making over-general interpretations (e.g. one or two of your friends are unreliable, or some people are unavailable due to special circumstances, so you think that everyone is always unavailable to you - I know that I've at times been in similar states). I wonder whether some of your friends are unusually and unavoidably unavailable right now, because of problems arising from the pandemic? Those who are 'key workers' and also have to look after their families may be much busier than usual. And 'social distancing' requirements may make it more complicated to arrange meetings. If something like this is not the case, then I think you may have become too tolerant of people who are just your friends out of habit. And because the pandemic has changed all our habits, this is simply becoming more obvious. I would concentrate more on those people who do show an interest in meeting up, like your daughters (and other family members?) and the people whom you've come to know from fitness class.

It sounds like you need to have a bit of a life laundry, having fallen into a sounding board role with some of your current ones. It's normal to have friends that you enjoy particular activities with, but if you don't allow yourself to take up space and be heard, then nobody else will. You have just as much right as anyone else, but some people make it hard to find a balance.

You're clearly a naturally good listener, now maybe you need to nurture other parts of you whilst retaining that ability for those that matter and appreciate it/reciprocate.

I have the same problem OP, what little friends I do have left never make an effort and take a week or two to return any calls/text messages. Ive worried for years over cutting them out as I’ll have no friends if I do, but realistically these people aren’t our friends. If you cut them out it’s less stress and worry. Life is too short, move on from these friends. You will find new people to make friends with whether it’s from work/a hobby etc don’t feel you have to stay in touch with people who make you feel bad.

I think, in your position, you think they’re better friends than they think you are. You’re investing more into the relationship than they are and you don’t figure as largely into their lives as they do into yours. Get better friends or accept that you’re not as important to them as they are to you.

I have a friend who insists (recently) on ringing twice a week, despite Christmas cards only for the past 20 years. I’ve been told I’m mean and I ought to give you an hour a time to be talked at talk to her. I don’t have the time or the inclination, we have sod all in common any more. I’m afraid I’m avoiding her calls.

The thing is though, that no one thinks I'm worth being treated as a 'premium' friend, for want of a better word. All my friends have other friends that they like and respect far, far more than they like me.

Do you live in London? I found a massive drawback of London is people tend to make plans super far in advance, plus travel time between you and your friends is often an hour or more, so it’s hard to be flexible or spontaneous. It’s very common among my London friends to plan things 3-4 weeks or more in advance even for just a drink after work.

Having said that, if people consistently aren’t giving you proper time once it is scheduled, I’d stop meeting up. The minimum I’d expect is 90 minutes for a quick coffee/lunch if you meet regularly, or 3 hours for dinner/brunch/drinks if you only meet up once a month or less. Otherwise you’re clearly low priority.

What you said about after your mum died is really sad. I’d try and find a new group via a hobby/work/friends of friends.

OP, it doesn’t sound like you like these people very much - saying about someone only liking ‘cool’ people makes you sound really down on her. If that’s the case, why do you even bother? Friends should be people you like and respect

She describes the friends as 'cool'!

Best thing that ever happened to me was to put myself and my kids first. Then, I quit texting after 3 initiation texts and waited to see who would text first. I learned who counted me in their life and who just wanted me to bake for them, or give them money, etc.

I don't understand how you can complain that your friends are too needy if they aren't even asking for your time (in fact it's the opposite). That just doesn't sound like neediness to me. What are they asking for? Nothing.

Let them go OP, it will sting for a bit but the relief will be worth it.

I feel your pain. Have had this since i moved away from my hometown with new friends i have known over last 10 yrs. Everyone always too busy... too busy seeing others. One friend 'squeezed' me in before last xmas 2018. The next time she was free to see me was in April 2019 as she had plans every weekend blah blah.. Then the eve before we were due to go for coffee she txt'd to say she couldn't make it as she was skint/too tired from the last 4 mths of doing stuff. Of all the people she could have cancelled she cancelled me. It was so insulting as i had not really seen anyone and had been looking forward to it. This is a friend who i had supported greatly when her most recent bf ended their relationship. This is a common theme with me. I am very supportive , listen to and help people but never given the same respect others are. I have had a good clear out over the last few years and basically gone back to zero. I have been too desperate to make friends and i think people see /sense it. I did tell that friend at the time that i was hurt and that she had attended everything else bar me! She did appreciate how it looked/was/felt but by that time damage was done and i didn't feel like i wanted to rearrange the coffee for June.... 6 mths after i had seen her last when she made a point of squeezing me in! It is insulting and insults the intelligence. More recently i had something similar with a diff friend. She has been at home for 3 mths doing nowt, by her own admission, suddenly has a load of housework creep up on her! Another one who i have been there for and extended huge generosity to. . She also has been busy seeing others now lockdown easing. Move on now OP with much stricter boundaries and self worth and build new friendships. Like other posters have said i think my 'friends' saw me more as an acquaintance and i saw them as more. That is my issue ultimately. . If you love and care about people you don't 'fit' them in. You 'make' time to enjoy with them. This check my diary , been busy, so much going on, haven't had time to txt you nonsense is a load of old pony. People make the effort when they want to.

Wouldn’t dwell on your friends’/acquaintances’ other friendships or social media.

If you don’t actually enioy their company, eg they moan a lot or only talk about themselves/their interests (SiL does this a lot! Dull) don’t seek to meet up.

You’re free to say no to any favours people ask for: as PPs say, friendship should be reciprocal!

If you enjoy their company when you do see or speak to them, but they’re not available v much, or wanting to do the types of things you’d prefer to do with them, I’d probably still maintain contact, whilst also seeking to meet and get to know new people, since you say you don’t have many friends.

I agree with @ConkerGame and please don't take it personally, but people who try to "slot" you in for an hour don't actually want to meet. I'm naturally introverted and between work, childcare, DH's friends, my friends, his family, my family, unavoidable appointments (medical, hairdresser etc) there are literally no more slots for casual meet up to chat type things. I have a few friends/acquaintances who constantly write "how are you/we have to catch up/are you in town" type messages and keep pushing for a meeting when I genuinely can't face more social obligations. I don't think they're annoying or boring or anything but I just don't know them well enough to spend time that I would much rather be spending alone.

The idea of "premium" friends is also not always true. I genuinely wish to be left alone by everyone but some friends are harder to say no to due to social dynamics (work colleagues, family stuff, DH arranging it, couples date, play date).

In all honesty I am one of these people and the truth is I do have a lot of friends but only a very small number (3 or 4) that I love and would do anything for, could spend all day every day with them, could trust with all my secrets, and I really enjoy their company. Many of my other friends I enjoy their company every now and then but just feel we have grown apart over the years or we don't have a lot to talk about. I feel as if I am obligated to be their best friend, when it is just not what I want from the friendship.

Many of these friends that I have grown apart from I am very glad to have in my life but would rather go out for a nice dinner twice a year, when in reality I get invites almost weekly. I know many of these friends don't have a lot of other friends and I feel terrible for turning down an invite because I know I mean a lot to them, so I will put them into a slot for a 'quick coffee'. Sometimes I enjoy the coffees, but often I feel as if we have nothing to talk about. I would go out my way to help them if they needed and I have with childcare, but I'm also happy with us having an arms length friendship, when they want more.

I think you see your friendship different to they do, I'm sorry OP. They are not obligated to spend their weekends with you or spend any time with you but it is also really telling. if I were you I would mimic their efforts and accept the friendship isn't as close as you thought and focus more on your other friends who give more time to you.