To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

[Rainbowb]

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

@cadent Yes I've missed a sentence there, typing while lying down seems to do that. The relative has stopped buying. She asked friend whether she really expected her to pick the change up like that? Friend cited covid rules. I suppose they're correct, but still, it's a bit steep.
Relative hasn't heard from friend since.

[quote Lacucuracha]@LemmysAceCard

I have never understood that phrase "no good deed goes unpunished", if you are doing a good deed you are trying to be nice or helpful so why would you be punished for it? I dont understand it.

A good example is a post upthread. The poster saw her (nasty) neighbour struggling to open her car door on a frozen morning, so she put her coffee on the dashboard of her car and then went to de-ice neighbour’s car door.

Unfortunately the coffee fell into the car’s fusebox, which couldn’t be fixed properly and she sold her car for next to nothing.

So I can definitely see why she felt she was punished for that good deed. It cost her thousands to help a nasty neighbour.[/quote]
Thank you - I still haven't told my husband the truth about why my fuse box blew up!

I was stupid enough to pay for a work colleague to attend an event I had organised for a group of us, just as a temporary loan until payday. She was the World’s Biggest Victim, so when payday came and went not only did she not pay, but she denied ever having agreed to and ran sobbing to everyone about how mean I am. Sadly for her she is also pretty stupid, which the email trail including her asking me very nicely for the loan demonstrated. So I did get my money back and no one believed her, but she tried very hard never to speak to me again. I was gutted, as you can imagine.

@GiveTheGirlAGun happy to hear she stopped. There are ways to be Covid safe that don’t mean living small change on a doorstep (bank transfers etc).

@SplendidSuns1000

I gave DH's friend's daughter my old car when he bought me a new one as we knew she was struggling to find a decent car and her parents had told us they were struggling with money. She turned up to collect it and thought I was giving her my brand new car. She cried when she realised it was "an old car" (2014 honda civic) and asked if I could just give her my new one (2020 range rover). She then said she'd take the old car if I paid her the difference. I ended up saying i'd changed my mind so a week later her parents bought her a 2019 merc!

Genuinely open mouthed...

I bought a relatively expensive ticket to an event for a friend as I was buying two others, with the idea I was to reimbursed on the day or paid back in refreshments etc. On the day she said , sorry can't come I am sure you will be able to pass the ticket on. Well I did but for no money ( because etc) and did not ask for money back. I know I know. This is why 3 goes on , different thing , if firiend does not offer something - that is ( probably quietly) it.

Ha ha fool me once , fool me 3 times - Crikey I am crap at this stuff but seriously I feel like I would burn something to ashes rather than give to her at the moment ( I wouldn't ) but it has made me cross

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants
I think I know your nephew, or someone like him. Take take take

Took over the running of a girlguiding unit when I moved to a new area, just to stop it from having to close. Kept it going for about 18 months. When lockdown happened, we couldn't meet obviously. I was 7 months pregnant with some health issues caused by the pregnancy too. One of the parents complained about me being unable to commit to running zoom sessions like the local cub unit, while heavily pregnant, with health problems and with a toddler. Formal complaint to the county office

Went overboard on gestures and gifts for a friend's Birthday. She doesn't have any family nearby or friends who make a fuss so I decided I would.
My Birthday comes around a couple of weeks later and she never even said 'Happy Birthday'.
Went shopping with same friend on one occasion. At the checkout friend found she had left her purse at home. I paid. When I asked for my money back the next time I saw her she told me she had no cash but would cut my hair instead ( she's a self-employed terrible hairdresser).

So many times, but I'm a bit of a people pleaser and I think I struggle putting boundaries in place with people at times, and enforcing them.

Had the usual of being the "go to" person for several school mums if they were struggling with drop off and pick up, also got overly involved with one, supported her loads, couldn't meet for a cuppa for a couple of weeks and she completely and utterly turned on me, cue a character assassination amongst all our mutual friends and making out like she was the victim - it is such a bizarre situation that I sometimes question whether it all actually happened, but it did.

Also, standing coffees for people when they have no money but it's never reciprocated, then they are telling me how lovely the local Chinese takeaway is.

Lending a disco light, and it coming back broken.

My neighbours bins always tip over when it's windy but none of them bother their derrière to tidy up all the rubbish so I go and do it, I know I shouldn't bother but if I didn't then it would just sit there for weeks.

@Eileen101 that's a disgrace! What a CF.

Have done plenty volunteering in my time too, and have come to the realisation you can't do it for a gold star, but that really is taking it to a whole new level.

Some years ago when the house I was renting was up for sale the agent wanted to bring buyers around while I was still living there. I could have refused but I very kindly agreed to the arrangement on condition I was given 24 hours notice to tidy up.

One evening just after I got in from work the agent called and asked if I would consent to a viewing later that evening as a "special favour" as the couple lived out of the immediate area. It was agreed that they should not come until 7,30 pm to give me time to have my evening meal and tidy up.

The arrangement was broken and they arrived an hour early, interrupting my meal. So I was sitting watching TV as they were being shown around my home. That was bad enough so I just left things to the agent. The male of the couple was rude and arrogant. He made remarks about the kitchen being cluttered with "dishes still in the sink". His wife, to do her credit, was embarrassed and reminded him "the woman has just come in from work". He also made remarks about my possessions and style of decor. Again I could see that his wife was embarrassed at his behavior and was trying to "shush" him. Eventually I snapped at him "You're here to see the house not to comment on my possessions. I did that as a favor so show some respect. I want you to leave now." The agent apologized to HIM rather than to ME. I was really angry at having been taken advantage of.

Next day I rang the agents and made a formal complaint. I told them there would be no more viewings unless they agreed to a 30% rent reduction to make up for the inconvenience of having strangers tramping around my home. They refused. I realised that my goodwill gesture in agreeing to a viewing at short notice was not appreciated. I had no intention of creating a precedent or being taken advantage of again by thankless people who were unwilling to consider my needs.

Thereafter when I saw their number on a call I did not answer the phone. There were no texts, email or smart phones back then so they had no other way to contact me. There were no more viewings. I left before the house was sold.

@jazzyroll

My friend said she had no food in the house only a days worth and could I lend her some money. I didn't but instead did a whole weeks shop for her and her 2 children. When I dropped it round and helped her put it away, her cupboards were already completely full of food. I was so pissed off but didn't say anything to her. Never helped her out again though.

Why on earth didnt you say " Oh good. I can see you are sorted" and take the food back. You let her make an absolute mug of you

sneakysnoopysniper - I read your post and wanted to stand up and clap. Well done. You handled it perfectly. And I’m glad you called him out to his face rather than just grumbling to the agent the next day.

sneakysnoopysniper - I read your post and wanted to stand up and clap. Well done. You handled it perfectly. And I’m glad you called him out to his face rather than just grumbling to the agent the next day.

I got my revenge on the agents as well. This was before the days of having to put your deposit in a government scheme and I knew they would be awkward about returning my deposit. The deposit was the same as the monthly rent so I just didnt pay any rent the month before i moved out.

@sneakysnoopysniper

sneakysnoopysniper - I read your post and wanted to stand up and clap. Well done. You handled it perfectly. And I’m glad you called him out to his face rather than just grumbling to the agent the next day.

I got my revenge on the agents as well. This was before the days of having to put your deposit in a government scheme and I knew they would be awkward about returning my deposit. The deposit was the same as the monthly rent so I just didnt pay any rent the month before i moved out.

Nicely done!

@BasiliskStare

I bought a relatively expensive ticket to an event for a friend as I was buying two others, with the idea I was to reimbursed on the day or paid back in refreshments etc. On the day she said , sorry can't come I am sure you will be able to pass the ticket on. Well I did but for no money ( because etc) and did not ask for money back. I know I know. This is why 3 goes on , different thing , if firiend does not offer something - that is ( probably quietly) it.

Ha ha fool me once , fool me 3 times - Crikey I am crap at this stuff but seriously I feel like I would burn something to ashes rather than give to her at the moment ( I wouldn't ) but it has made me cross

Are you basically saying that you're going to let her keep treating you like shit? Get a backbone woman!

40 years ago and I’ve still not got over it 😀:

I worked for a company on a huge site with lots of small buildings dotted all over. On that particular snowy day a colleague had to go on site and visit a few of the buildings. Colleague wasn’t feeling well so I volunteered to do the job.
My good deed resulted in me tramping around in the snow and my first time wear, brand new boots leaked and were ruined.
I never volunteer now.

I've got another one.

A mutual favour between my mother and I. We live in a different part of the country and it came up in conversation (I can't remember who initiated it) that she and her partner could house sit and cat sit for us whilst we were on holiday (just a Monday to Friday trip in a caravan in Cornwall). They'd get the opportunity to explore the local area with free accommodation and we wouldn't need to pay for the cattery.

We made it clear that this was not a catered holiday for them. We were already having to cater our own week at the caravan we were going to, and couldn't afford to do a shop for them too.

When they arrived we said that they were welcome to help themselves to whatever was in the cupboards and any fresh food still left in, plus tea/coffee etc, but could be they leave the food in the freezer as we planned to use it.

We left on Monday morning at about 4am, before they were up. At 1030am I got a phone call asking if they could have the pork chops from the freezer. I said no, we'd already explained that we wanted those.

She then proceeded to ring and text me every day of our one holiday a year with the messages becoming increasingly abusive, telling me how disgusted she was that I wouldn't let her help herself, that they were yellow stickered anyway so we were mean to not give her the £1.80 or whatever chops, how when she visits her brother he won't let her buy anything and fills the fridge with her favourite foods.

At the time I was a SAHM, we had two under three and our only income was my husbands. My mother lives alone in a council house so pays minimum rent, but no longer needs it as she works full time and earns an excellent wage. She is not short of cash at all.

I stopped answering her texts and calls so she started messaging my husband instead. He also ignored her.

Eventually she flounced home early on the Thursday and dropped our keys with a friend who lived round the corner so that she could sort the cats.

The 'fucking pork chops' are now legendary in our house and my husband has not seen or spoken to her since that week (June 2015). She was never invited to stay at our house again and when she popped in on her way past from staying with another relative, he would make sure that he was out. I'm NC now too and it's a relief.

An anti-one.

We inherited a large Wendy House from my BIL when his children grew out of it. We didn't look after it very well and by the time my children had grown out of it, it was in a fairly sad state. I put a very honest ad on Freecycle but still got dozens of requests. In the end, I offered it to the family who said they had a child with special needs, even though I was 99% sure that this child didn't exist.

The 'father' and a friend who dismantled and collected the Wendy House were very pleasant, but I remained unconvinced.

A month later, I was emailed a lovely note of thanks and a photo of the Wendy House. It was definitely ours but had been beautifully and meticulously refurbished. And standing outside it was ..... a young girl with a nasal tube and oxygen cylinder.

@halftermbreak

Your example shows that some people are indeed genuine. However life has taught me that if you are too much of a people pleaser and run around doing favors many people will take advantage of you. They will develop an entitled attitude and keep asking. Whereas if you rarely do favors and impress that it is a "concession" when you do then you will be much more appreciated.

A young grand niece of mine started in a big company where people thought she would be a pushover because she was young and single. After being "volunteered" to work overtime on a friday three times on the run she told her boss he would have to ask someone else. When he pointed out that other workers "had families" she responded that was no concern of hers. She would be happy to do the unpopular shift again when everyone in the section had done their share regardless of family commitments. She has never been asked since.

In the same company a person doing staff collections made her feel small because she could not afford to give £10 to a collection for someone she dd not even know. The person collecting told her to go to the cash machine. It was her first month and she had not even had her paycheck. She made a complaint to HR that she had felt bullied. HR have now introduced restrictions around staff collections.

All this shows that if you stand your ground people may initially feel you are a bit mean but they will come to respect you in the end.

@Lacucuracha

Point taken.
I think I was trying to say took too long but yes spine mobilised

Just remembered years ago when I worked in a crèche which was within another business. The business were going to shut the crèche facility as they thought it was not makin enough money. The crèche supervisor organised a meeting amongst staff to argue our case to stay open( so we didn't lose our jobs) She asked me to take notes , called another meeting with management and asked me to read and discuss our findings as I could get the point across succinctly . I explained what we had discussed to the management, who themselves were very argumentative and I had to defend all of answers. We had been there a good half hour and non of the other staff said anything. The manager finished by turning to the others and asking if all of the others agreed with what I had said. The bloody supervisor- let's call her Carol because that is her real name said that she knew nothing about what I was saying, and that she fully understand the decision to close. Bloody arse licker was after a good reference and trying to discredit me.

@SplendidSuns1000

I gave DH's friend's daughter my old car when he bought me a new one as we knew she was struggling to find a decent car and her parents had told us they were struggling with money. She turned up to collect it and thought I was giving her my brand new car. She cried when she realised it was "an old car" (2014 honda civic) and asked if I could just give her my new one (2020 range rover). She then said she'd take the old car if I paid her the difference. I ended up saying i'd changed my mind so a week later her parents bought her a 2019 merc!

This one is 🤯