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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

882 replies

Rainbowb · 29/06/2020 10:31

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

OP posts:
Lionessloudmouth · 18/03/2021 11:04

No good deed goes unpunished. And yes!

Okbussitout · 18/03/2021 11:08

@SunshineCake

What is the problem with this thread? Some zombies are annoying when the child being asked about is now at uni but this is not a time sensitive thread.
Yes I think mumsnet is the only forum that seems to think threads have an expiry date.
NotSeenBulling · 18/03/2021 11:09

HTH1

Yes eventually but only by my sending a second letter stating that the fee for small claims court was £xxx.xx and if he paid between my paying that and the actual court date the action would stand unless he also paid the court sum.

I think he realised I was serious at that point an bizarrely was able to pay within a few days.

All of DHs side of the family took their side. It was the best part of a years wages for me and they all seemed to think it was fine to just rob me of that! Wills changed PDQ etc. etc. There was a few attempts at an olive branch by the sister but we sent them back with a massive 'fuck off' letter with a warning that if we got to hear of them slagging us off, we would make fifty copies of the letter and liberally distribute it among all family, employers, friends etc. That shut it all down and we have nbever heard from the grabbing bastards driving about in their Merc ever again thankfully!

Tangofandango · 18/03/2021 11:29

Back in the ‘70s a friend asked if she could borrow my new midi dress for a date. I happily lent it to her. The following week I asked for it back as I wanted to wear it on a date. When I took it out of the bag and unfolded it, it had gone from being a mid-calf midi to a 6” above the knee mini! She’d chopped about 18” off because she preferred minis to midis.

DrSbaitso · 18/03/2021 11:37

@Tangofandango

Back in the ‘70s a friend asked if she could borrow my new midi dress for a date. I happily lent it to her. The following week I asked for it back as I wanted to wear it on a date. When I took it out of the bag and unfolded it, it had gone from being a mid-calf midi to a 6” above the knee mini! She’d chopped about 18” off because she preferred minis to midis.
This reminds me of the "timeless style" thread. CFs and arseholes are truly timeless!
Tangofandango · 18/03/2021 11:53

DrSbaitso I haven’t seen that thread. I’ll have a look for it.

AmberItsACertainty · 18/03/2021 11:57

@ForwardRanger

AmberItsACertainty Almost everyone has an income of some sort from somewhere, it's upto them what they spend it on. Very few people are in genuine need. 99.9% of the time when people are skint it's because they've chosen to spend the money on something else.

Well that is an interesting statistic, where did you find that?

My research tells me that 20% of people in the UK live in poverty, defined by having £152 or less left over each week after housing costs. Despite the tabloid rhetoric that every poor person is a drinking, smoking layabout, the reality is that most of them are dealing with physical disability or mental illness, or are refugees, or are simply the faces of a country that promotes elitism and neglects its vulnerable. And that's crappy enough without the likes of you judging them for being poor. You don't have to give, but it would be so much nicer if you would not be cruel.

I'm not being cruel and I'm not judging people for being poor. I am poor! Officially anyway, I've been worse and don't feel poor. I'm well aware of the causes of being poor. I'm also well aware of the rubbish life decisions a lot of people make.

I'm starting the facts as I see and experience them. I speak from my own life experiences past and present. I'm not interested in government statistics. I'm not saying I disbelieve what you've said, just that what I posted has nothing to do with that. People can be poor but managing, like I was, making sensible decisions about their lives in order to keep managing and coping. Or they can be poor and feckless, which might also be the reason they're poor in the first place for some of them.

In terms of people having some sort of income, I've seen that, even homeless people on the streets usually have income from benefits (or they could if they claimed them). I've lived in poverty myself, both in the official sense for most of my life and in the unofficial sense of being way below the official poverty line, literally having to choose between soap and toothpaste, regularly going round the supermarket with £10 for a week's shopping for two twice - once to put the necessities in the basket and once to put back the things I can't afford. I've been broke to the point of not being able to afford food. It still didn't cause me to scrounge off my friends, there are other solutions including eating cheap food you don't like and going on half rations for a week or two to make it last, or using food bank when they existed. We don't have to trouble others with our problems. In my own personal experience, the majority of people openly weeping and wailing about their latest drama are the ones who routinely choose to dump their problems on others as their method of getting through life.

My experience is that with almost all people, their "skintness" is caused by choosing to spend the money on something else. Drugs/alcohol/cigarettes/cars/holidays /clothes/nights out/takeaway/ beauty stuff/taxis/scratch cards and the biggest one - running up debts instead of an emergency fund. With me it was pets, I've been in dire straits and kept my pets, going without myself instead, I never asked favours of friends, didn't even tell them my situation. Not my fault if I'm made redundant or too unwell to work much, not hiding things out of shame when I've nothing to be ashamed of, just don't believe in dumping on others unnecessarily.

I've donated time, money, advice and items to various people at various times. Never asked them to justify themselves, believed them when they said this or that was their situation. Lent precious things to people who "needed" them only to have them returned, after many excuses, broken with no offers to replace/repair. Lent money for a limited time when they knew I couldn't afford to give outright, then had to argue for it back repeatedly after the deadline they'd offered for repayment had passed.

I've never been someone who has much myself, even when doing ok, but I believed in helping those in need. Still do, it's just I've realized a lot aren't really "in need" so I no longer help those, which is most people. At some point during their "crisis" I'd realise that they didn't really need what I'd given, that they'd have coped just fine without my generosity and often they'd have coped even better if they'd only made better choices in the first place. It's not for me to live others lives for them, obviously. In time I began to realise this also applies to sorting out their self-inflicted problems, the consequences of their actions. I'm not responsible for others behaviour or lives, whether they're friends or nearly strangers. It's not about being cruel, it's about not being taken for a mug, expecting people to stand on their own two feet where possible and solve their own problems, instead of taking the easy option to lean on someone else.

Unicorn34 · 18/03/2021 12:01

Yes - helped bitch of a neighbour who had been really horrible (along with her husband and daughter). It was a frosty morning and she couldn't get her key into her car door. I offered her my de-icer which she accepted and it worked. Said thanks.

The problem? I had put my cup of tea (in a lidded mug) on my dashboard to get the de-icer spray, it had fallen over and the tea had gone down into my fuse box. Later that day there was a fizz and crackle, and the car stopped working. Got a friend to purchase a new fuse box (I will point out at this time that it was a Smart car - don't get me started on the prices to fix these things). He fitted it but it never worked properly, ended up selling the car for next to nothing and having to buy a new car.

Never helped someone out with de-icer again (and she is still a bitch!).

bubblesforlife · 18/03/2021 12:10

Our cleaner.
We had this nice lady to clean our house fortnightly. We paid her all through the pandemic, which she later told us only 1 other person did and was grateful. We paid her for 3 hours and she would be running out the door after 2.5. She would cut corners, never ask to see what else she could do, and when we asked her to do something she would say “yes yes I know” then not do it.
The last clean before Xmas, she ran out the door after 2 hours, didn’t do what she was supposed to. I felt like such a mug. We were too nice to her never complained, just asked her to do things and she pretended she didn’t understand or just said yes, but didn’t do it. I just feel like she could have at least done the hours we paid her for. We’ve replaced her now, I was wound up all Xmas doing the jobs she didn’t do. Cost us a lot to pay her during pandemic! So annoyed she took advantage.

ekidmxcl · 18/03/2021 12:21

I saw a dog wandering in the road our quiet cul de sac (that was actually by some big busy A roads). I was young and nervous of dogs but talked to the dog, sat with him and called the number on his collar. Owner sounded really pissed off on the phone, came to get dog and didn’t even say thanks. I wonder if he’d actually just let the dog out to walk alone and shit everywhere and I was inconveniencing him. Some people are cunts.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/03/2021 12:33

@NormanStangerson

I just don’t lend anyone anything anymore. It is not worth it. My husband loves lending people stuff/money and it never comes back. One of his supposedly good mates owes us thousands and has nigh-on cut us off now. I had to tell my H that though he’s being kind, he’s taking from his own family to give to ungrateful bastards with no intention of returning it. He banned me from tearing the guy a new one. I’m so pissed off about it. My inlaws are the worst for feeling entitled to our stuff, though.
I'd be very tempted to ignore the ban and tell the cheeky fucker a few home truths, @NormanStangerson.

SunshineCake

"What is the problem with this thread? Some zombies are annoying when the child being asked about is now at uni but this is not a time sensitive thread."

@Okbussitout "Yes I think mumsnet is the only forum that seems to think threads have an expiry date."

In fairness, some do - when a poster is asking for advice on a particular situation, and the thread is revived years later - but this one clearly isn't one of those.

Moonstone1234 · 18/03/2021 12:43

Its honestly rife isnt it. I have a relative who constantly says that they dont have much money. What I have found is that people often mean in their current account, premimum bonds, savings accounts, ISA's etc are not included. If queried they state THAT money is for a rainy day...

BigBamboo · 18/03/2021 12:56

Moonstone,

I’ve got relatives like that. They cried poverty every time we went out. We bought them no end of meals, coffees etc. as when the bill came they got upset. We did this for years.....then they bought a villa in the med........cash.

I’ve a friend whose parent inherited a big some of money £500K. They lent their DD’s friend £30k for a house deposit, they then moved and went no contact. That woman was bled dry and now lives in a caravan.

Annalouisa · 18/03/2021 13:01

A few years ago, I was on a transatlantic flight. I had an aisle seat, but an elderly man who was in the middle seat pleaded with me to swap with his wife, so they could seat together. He made real puppy eyes and so I agreed to swap seats with this wife. I still regret it:

The wife had a middle seat, squashed in between two very obese men, one of whom started sweating profusely and gasping for air during takeoff. I seriously thought he has having a heart attack, but turns out he just didn't like flying. Also, the TV in the seat in front of me was broken. I spent 8 hours trapped in my seat, uncomfortable, unable to sleep, staring at the back of the seat in front of me. No good deed goes unpunished, indeed.

Liverpool52 · 18/03/2021 14:26

Lent a friend two boxset series. She returned one missing a disc and the other not at all. When I asked her she told me that the missing disc was probably in her old DVD player when she binned it and she denied having the other series (I didn't lend them to anyone else). Only DVDs but she was so completely dismissive when I asked her she clearly doesn't give a shit about other people's property. Not even an apology for throwing a disc pit.

Mix56 · 18/03/2021 15:06

Went to work in another country & lent my car to a girl friend for about 4 months, when I came home I got it back no MOT, & then discovered she'd been having an affair with my boyfriend whilst I was away;

Had to do a trip to school to collect DS at lunch time ( no room in canteen)& was asked by a complete stranger if I could drop/collect her DD as well, their teacher had told the mother I was local.... I did this for a term as she was working in another town... come end of term she gave her DD a set of 4 plastic cups & a jug (picnic set) as a thank you which I later saw in her own shop cost about £5. No "Thank you" by mouth or text" The next term she rang to tell me her DD would be waiting for me at the the gate at lunch time. Hahaha.

Moonstone1234 · 18/03/2021 15:17

This school run marklarky seems very common. I am past this now but I always tried to support working Mums and no one really took advantage. However there are some cheeky so and so's around now and once you do it once....

Its almost like you are expected to do it because you are going to the school anyway and (insert various reasons!) they cannot do it so why wouldnt you.

The swapping of airline seats is particularly annoying. We were coming back from Antigua (as you do) and a family were clearly too stingy to pay for seats. When they got on and their 12/13 year was sitting somewhere else the women stood in the galley telling the steward that the plane wasnt taking off unless they sat together.

The steward did his best but no one would move and eventually the Captain came out and told her to sit down otherwise they would be offloaded luggage and all. We still left over an hour late but this women just couldnt have given a toss....

HunterHearstHelmsley · 18/03/2021 15:27

Reading about those doing their elderly neighbours shopping makes me feel ever so slightly guilty. My Grandad's neighbour does his shopping. He is perfectly capable of doing his own but won't. I was doing it but it was always wrong. He'd put off paying (he can more than afford it), won't use online shopping as its unsafe but he's perfectly happy for me to use my card. Everything you get is constantly wrong and if you have to get something different he acts as though you've shit on his carpet. It's hard as I always want to help but it's more hassle than it's worth. He's got his neighbours doing it now, they probably think I'm a terrible person! Like I say, he can do it himself but why would he when some other mug will?

Few small contributions...

Used to give a woman a lift home from work when we worked late. It was out of my way but I didn't like the idea of her waiting at an isolated bus stop. I was unwell one day and had to go home early. She was absolutely furious. She had expected that I would drive back at finish time to collect her.. no lifts after that!

I gave my sister a car. It wasn't worth much, mechanically it was sound but not the greatest car in the world. It had been looked after and had FSH etc. She somehow managed to destroy the clutch within a month and thought I just pay for a new one.

Booked festival tickets for a few friends. One decided she couldn't afford to go anymore as she had had botox. I made her bloody pay! Same festival, another friend was due to drive (I was paying a share of fuel, parking and I'd packed extra drinks for her). She decided last minute that she wasn't coming. I ended up catching a train down to another friend we were going with, shared her tent and it actually worked out really well. We had a great time... When we got back, the friend asked for her ticket money back! I'm not sure why she thought I'd be paying her back. The ticket was non refundable and unused.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 18/03/2021 15:31

On a flight once - It was a big family holiday so we had booked seats together so the flight was part of the holiday. A family with 3 children turned up, hadn't booked seats and didn't turn up to check in early. As we were all adults they expected us to give up our seats.

I'm a nervous flier so really didn't want to but thought as they'd got children I would. The seats had cost around £20 each so we agreed to free up four of our seats for the amount we had paid (£80). They outright refused to pay. Properly kicking off on the flight. We were offered a drink to move. Erm.. no. Eventually they were told to take their seats or get off the plane.

They got off the plane.

Moonstone1234 · 18/03/2021 15:38

Got off the plane.... Some people are just plain stupid! They will have to get another flight which wont be free of charge.

I know most of us havent been on a plane for months but if you really really MUST sit next to xxx then blooming well stick your hand in your pocket and pay for it. Its probably a cheap budget airline which is fine of course but when you pay say £40 for your ticket you cannot surely expect free seats, free luggage, food on board etc.

LemmysAceCard · 18/03/2021 15:57

I have never understood that phrase "no good deed goes unpunished", if you are doing a good deed you are trying to be nice or helpful so why would you be punished for it? I dont understand it.

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 18/03/2021 16:27

These stories are awful but in some cases the poster has kept going back for more...Confused

WhoAreYah · 18/03/2021 16:27

Invited friends to a club we were members of to spend the day at the pool, their kids to play with ours etc. Cost us £20pp to get them in.

They stayed an hour, drank the drinks we bought and ate the crisps we provided, bought their 2 kids ice cream (but not mine) then left. Never again.

UturnUna · 18/03/2021 16:31

I have a car one! I used to lend my car to my housemate when I shared a house in my 20s. She didn't pay a penny for this, no petrol money, free use. Because I am a mug nice.

It broke down on her when she had taken a friend out and she was fuming at me, and implied I should apologise to her friend for the inconvenience and being stranded WAITING FOR THE AA THAT I WAS PAYING FOR.

Never mind that she'd managed to break my bloody car!

comingintomyown · 18/03/2021 16:34

Started snowing heavily while XH was in a pub, he rang to say was bringing home a woman with her around 4yo DD as they were stranded

He carried child a 2 mile walk , we put them up overnight. Found out was the girls birthday so raided everything to give a fancy breakfast then XH walked them back to their car and gave her a push helped her get going in her car. Not a word of thanks at any point for anything

A week later she turned up with a bunch of petrol station flowers, my old goor was glass so I had a few seconds to see her and decide what to say, she got a very lukewarm thanks from me.

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