To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

[Rainbowb]

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

Offered to sort and deliver a bouquet of flowers to a friend on behalf of a group of us. Sent my bank details to all and only 1 person ever transferred me the money.

Lent my SIL loads of china for her baby shower afternoon tea. Arrived back with me dirty (all unwashed) and a lovely (and expensive) bone china teapot cracked - they had put boiling hot water in it I think, which you're not meant to do and caused it to crack. They didn't even mention they had broken it. My Mum had given it to me, and I was so upset how they treated it and returned it to me.

I lent a new jersey dress to a friend who was skint for an evening out. She ruined it. I painted her bathroom ceiling for her, she moaned i used too much paint. She complained i couldn't give her mother a lift when needed on one occasion...Friend became ex friend!

Yes actually, mine is one that still baffles me 5 months on.
I helped a very dear friend leave her marital home with young baby (at her insisting -she arrived at my home in pieces with the baby and never returned). Spent best part of a year where I was basically on speed dial relentlessly day and night, assited her with drafting legal responses as she couldn't afford legal rep), took her to council where she obtained temporary accomodation in another town where she stayed for over a year, fully kitted said home with everything she and a baby could possibly need via weeks of freecycle posts, begging and collecting throughout London. Drove her to said house with baby and bleached bathroom and kitchen , made bed and cot up etc
Continued with support over the phone daily, these calls frequently extended beyond midnight when she knew I was battered running after our own SEND child. Collected her mother and herself from airports, accompanied her to family courts, arranged help via Rights of Women and Women's Aid. Helped find babysitter locally, helped draft proposals for flexible working so she could work from home (pre-Covid).
Found her DV support worker and sourced a solicitor, helped with legal aid forms. Helped set up all utilities at new home as she had never done this...Sourced contact centres and accompanied /drove her there.
This continued 7 days a week for a year and a half and then suddenly silence.
I have heard nothing from her since last year. I know she is well and in a positive living arrangement and arranged contact.
Aside from the obvious hurt, I will never understand what caused this "ghosting", feel I am at the very least owed an explanation, but more than anything, miss what I thought was a really good friend I really have needed the last few months.
BAFFLED!

Happened so many times and too often to me that sadly I second guess a kind gesture and wonder am i being too nice as I might end getting that awful feeling that Im being taken advantage of ! Sad but true.

I once offered a daily lift to a new member of staff who procceded to sit in my car and pronounce on the evils of the internal combustion engine, especially in private vehicles. The arrangement lasted less than a week when I told him that I felt guilty that he was having to sideline his beliefs to accept a lift from me!

I found a wallet and handed it in to the police the day before yesterday. On the way, I fell down the steps on the underpass. Foot is still sore.

@The80sweregreat

Gardenchoas , that's why your ex friends are wealthy. They have short arms and long pockets! I have often found the richer someone is the meaner they are.

I was going to say exactly the same thing! I once gave a pupil £5 because he'd lost his spends at the start of a four day trip away, was told I'd never see it again. First day back in school he stayed behind and gave me an envelope, From me Mam. It was a think you and a fiver, he was going to be made to work it off at home. He also surreptitously pulled a battered box of chocolate from his coat, Ta Miss. No sense of entitlement at all.

We assisted a hard-up friend on furlough for most of last year: food parcels, meals in the garden in the summer when that was allowed, rent money, paid her electricity bill when she couldn't, rented a van and helped her move, picked up furniture from Freecycle and local FB groups for her, gave her a tent and camping equipment so she could have a holiday last summer. Hundreds of quid and hours and hours of our time and sweat and goodwill.

We stopped all that when she bought a pedigree puppy at Christmas. It wasn't just the fact that she paid £1000 for it, though that was a shock, it was the ethics of buying a pedigree puppy at that time of year. Oh, and then she showed us the massive, intricate tattoo she's had done illegally during lockdown because, as she put it, the tattooist is a lovely bloke and needed the money. All £500+ of it.

@hansgrueber

I think I know why your friend "ghosted you" its cause you seen her at such low/,vulnerable point in her life that cause things were starting to work out for her,
she has taken the support for granted and she feels embarrassed /or she is a bit ashambed, that you saw her at such shit time in her life, and now things are on the 'up" better for her, she has just simply forgetton,
that a friendship is a two way thing mostly,an has moved on in her life.

Unless she form(a past history for all sorts of dramas swirling about her like a Tornadoes season in America or whirlpool.

(some people eh,
Your story and other posters,my own ones are the reason why I sometimes prefer animals, than people
I know this sounds anti social thing etc.

I friended a new neighbour. Took her under my wing...she didn’t really have any friends from her previous area. She was very needy and took up a lot of my time - but I didn’t mind during that period. I introduced her to my friends / gave her a social life...took her to hospital and dr appts etc. Listened to her endless dramas / family and friend issues.

She seemed to fall out with an awful lot of people. I didn’t notice the red flags at the time.

I thought we were quite close after 18 months of spending time together.

In time she made friends with other neighbours and proceeded to turn so many of them against with me, telling them lies about things I’d said...things that I’d supposedly done.

I ended up having a breakdown because so many neighbours avoided me / ignored me. 2 years later, I’m still on antidepressants...still being ignored by lord of neighbours.

Devastated doesn’t even cut it...

I helped a friend during a tragic time in their life. Never got my money back despite us needing it and her lovely new car, house renovations and holidays. We rent, have 2nd hand cars and have had 1 holiday abroad in the past 8 years..... upsets me every time I think about it. OH didn't want her to have it in the first place either.

I should add the amount I gave her isn't what paid for her life improvements but the money she received following said tragedy.

Organised a toy collection for a mum and child shelter one Christmas, Collected over 100 brand new gifts.

Organised a 2nd hand toy collection for another mum and child shelter.
30 black bags of VERY good stuff, alot was like new

I didnt get a thank you from either

I just hope the children enjoyed them

AmberItsACertainty
Almost everyone has an income of some sort from somewhere, it's upto them what they spend it on. Very few people are in genuine need. 99.9% of the time when people are skint it's because they've chosen to spend the money on something else.

Well that is an interesting statistic, where did you find that?

My research tells me that 20% of people in the UK live in poverty, defined by having £152 or less left over each week after housing costs. Despite the tabloid rhetoric that every poor person is a drinking, smoking layabout, the reality is that most of them are dealing with physical disability or mental illness, or are refugees, or are simply the faces of a country that promotes elitism and neglects its vulnerable. And that's crappy enough without the likes of you judging them for being poor. You don't have to give, but it would be so much nicer if you would not be cruel.

@StarRabbit

I helped a friend during a tragic time in their life. Never got my money back despite us needing it and her lovely new car, house renovations and holidays. We rent, have 2nd hand cars and have had 1 holiday abroad in the past 8 years..... upsets me every time I think about it. OH didn't want her to have it in the first place either.

Goodness, why did you do that when she has so much?

I hope that your generosity is reciprocated by fate in another way

@YellowPurple

Organised a toy collection for a mum and child shelter one Christmas, Collected over 100 brand new gifts.

Organised a 2nd hand toy collection for another mum and child shelter.
30 black bags of VERY good stuff, alot was like new

I didnt get a thank you from either

I just hope the children enjoyed them

You did a LOVELY thing and I imagine that the mothers were thrilled.

When I had left a violent relationship I was getting support from a service and I received beautiful gifts for both me and my children at Christmas. We were blown away, honestly the thought and generosity of some people is amazing. It really made our Christmas.

I did write a thank you card to go to whoever had organised the gifts but I can understand why most people wouldn't, when you're in that situation it is indescribably awful and every day is a test of survival. It isn't that they don't need or appreciate help and generosity, they are just overwhelmed by difficulties and the chaos of trying to get by. I was in a better situation than many in that I had a place to live and a job, but lots of women have absolutely nothing and spend all day trying to find somewhere/dealing with police/lawyers/therapists/benefit issues/looking after children all while in shock and distress. So please try to believe that it was worth it.

Yes I got to know an elderly gentleman through a hobby group. He gave the impression he was recently widowed and wasn't eating properly. For my sins I started cooking and delivering rather nice meals to him twice a week. Did this for six months at rather a lot of inconvenience to me and my family and then found out that at least another five ladies in the group were doing the same, and that btw he had always been single

Oh that’s funny 😆😂🤣😂🤣

I sold my unit and the buyers asked to bring settlement forward a week. I agreed and made a huge effort to get out all of my furniture earlier than planned. The next day I was at work and settlement was the following day. I had planned to my unit that evening after work and give it a good clean. While I was at work I received notice from the buyer’s solicitor expressing their client’s fury at the “filthy condition” of the unit. It wasn’t filthy- just needed a good scrub and clean where the washing machine had been and a good floor mop and vacuum. I explained that I was planning to clean it that night, had agreed to do the buyers and huge favour at my own inconvenience and promptly reverted settlement to the original date, which I had reserved my right to do. Their conveyancer rang me and grovelled but bad luck. I was a conveyancer too, and their conveyancer was know for escalating matters that should be resolved via a phone call.

Yep
I helped a friend financially when her husband got injured and couldn't work. I just gave her a few envelopes of cash. I later found out she had been really nasty about me. I never saw her or the money again.
After uni I lived with a friend who couldn't afford a deposit for a flat. So I paid it. Then after six months she left having damaged her room so I lost the deposit. And because she hadn't paid her council tax I had to pay that as well.
I give money to charity now. Never to people I know.

I know I am late to the party, I don't have any cheeky fucker stories.

I think my dad drummed into me never be a lender etc etc

But I will say based on that I may be a cheeky fucker myself. I have a strict budget, that I stick to, we are not poverty line, but damn close, so I may have money tucked away for Christmas or Birthday, not for holidays. My family likes to eat out for birthdays, but it can be the most expensive resturants in the world, so I have said fairly we can't afford it, DS can go and we pay, but someone will need to pick him up (live 45 minutes away) or none of us can go, so it has now become myself and DS get public transport and someone else pays for our dinner (I don't take the piss,) or they pick up DS and I pay for his dinner. Or we don't go.

I love my family but they don't live my life, so on occassion I have had to set my boundries. They then decide what they are willing to accept, whether they might come on with a different story is debatable.

For years went out of our way to give a school mum's (I'll call her "Doris") ds a lift on a weekly basis to football training (not sure how it started as both parents had cars). Then my dh was rushed into hospital and we didn't know the cause for a week and I was going out of my head with anxiety. I texted a few of the mums that I had helped over the years, asking if they could pick up and keep my ds for about an hour after school so I could visit dh in hospital. Heard nothing from Doris and eventually assumed she'd changed her number. About three weeks later ds had a sports match after school and Doris texted me asking if I could take her ds as well. I didn't reply. She was there at the sports match and had a pretty shirty attitude with me without bringing up why. I just said "dh is fine now, thanks for asking" and left her to it. We have never spoken since.

On a much less serious note to some people's stories. One year my ds invited a neighbour to his birthday party. The mum came too and was REALLY apologetic that she had left the present at home, but would drop it off later. She never did. I couldn't get over that. If they hadn't given a present I would have shrugged it off, but it was the OTT apology that was a total lie that got me.

They live in a "naice" house and the husband always has top of the range cars (I think he's got a few) so it's not like they were/are on the breadline!

I have a few.

A friend id had for a few years was moving and asked me to store all of her belongings in my garage. 6 months went by and gentle reminders to her that I couldn’t park my car in the garage went ignored. It was only when my car was broken into (because I couldn’t park it in the garage because of her stuff) I insisted on returning her stuff. She had the massive hump on the day I returned it, I had to unload the car by myself and take all of her belongings in her house whilst she stood by and watched. No word of a thank you either.

Another time I was really down and a really good friend offered to come by for the evening. We discussed what films we wanted to watch and I ordered a pizza in, cleaned the house in preps room for her arrival etc. She arrived an hour late, and was all dressed up. I asked why and she said oh I’ll stay for an hour then go clubbing with my other friends. Oh did you want to come?!?

Years later a new school mum asked if I would take her DD to school every morning as it was on our way past. She was always late, nasty to my DD and the mum never said thank you. Turned out she had head lice and her flat covered in fleas which the school mum joked with me about ... I said the arrangement didn’t work anymore and stopped answering her texts and phonecalls... she then asked if I could look after her baby son as well as her DD after school. Some people seriously just don’t get it!