To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

[Rainbowb]

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

@JonSnowedUnder

Does it really matter if a thread like this is a zombie? It's just a general chat thread for those interested.

Anyway, I often give stuff away on FB and have lost count of the amount of times I've waited in for someone to pick something (usually something really nice - for free!) up and they just don't bother, no message either.

l agree , l needed to get this out because it has just happened and l have found it really cathartic for me

Can think of lots but a couple stand out.

The time we were at a party for DHs colleagues. DH was driving, I was pregnant and had work the next day so we really didn't want to stay out late. 3 of DHs colleagues asked if he would give them a lift home as they all lived in the same part of town but DH explained that we only lived up the road so it was quite out of our way...but then he agreed to it anyway! He told them that we would be leaving in the next 15 minutes though if they wanted a lift. They then proceeded to order a load more drinks for themselves whilst we sat there and waited. It was over an hour before we actually left. We all squished in the car and we gave them a lift home which was about 20 minutes in the opposite direction to our home. Then another 20 minutes back towards our home...we got hit by a drunk driver. Miraculously no one was killed or even injured badly. But spent the whole night at A&E. Car was written off. DH ended up having counselling as he developed a fear of night driving. I had panic attacks for a long time afterwards.
Now I know his colleagues weren't to know we'd end up in an accident but if they hadn't have taken the piss with ordering a load more drinks when we wanted to leave quickly, then we wouldn't have been in that place at that time. The worst thing was, when DH told them what had happened they didn't even show the slightest concern.

Other one is less serious. Friend of DH and I had a husband who used to do long work shifts and we felt bad for her on her own with her DS so we used to invite her over to ours for dinner quite often. It got worse as time went on, her DS was very difficult and not particularly nice to DD. He used to absolutely trash the place and she wouldn't even offer to help tidy afterwards. I'd be busy cooking us all dinner and DH would come home from work and have to watch her DS and our DD because she'd be sat there on her phone. Then DH would give them a lift home as she didn't drive and I'd be left with grumpy DD, a load of washing up and the house in an absolute state. We eventually stopped having her over. Her husband got a new job anyway with different shifts so I don't feel that bad now.

A colleague did his neighbour a favour by taking their child to school one morning because of a family emergency. They didn't know the family at all, but they lived on the same estate, and the DC went to the same school. The child's parents knocked on his door in a state of distress and explained the situation and of course my colleague said "no problem".

The very next week though, on the same day, while his family were eating breakfast, his doorbell rang at 7.45 am and he opened it to find a small child on the doorstep dressed in school uniform, and someone in a car driving off out of his drive . They did this quite a few times apparently despite his protests. Poor kid.

At college I loaned my laptop to a friend who needed it, can’t remember why I did. Had to ask for it back, when she gave it to me it turned out a friend of hers borrowed it. That friend dropped it and broke the screen. My friend didn’t admit any of this for a long time. She didn’t replace it either.

Got emergency food from a foodbank as a friend had had a stroke and said she was starving and was waiting on someone bringing her a loaf, only for her husband to come home from work and look surprised!

I thought I didn't have one of these experiences then remembered an awful one from 15 years ago! Was during ash cloud from volcano and was stuck in Italy. Everyone panicking about getting back for work etc. I was 23, newly in work and obviously not on loads of money. Anyway, manage to sort route home via complicated trains, hire cars etc. Older couple at my hotel, not tech savvy panicking cos their card wasn't accepted. I (stupidly, can't believe i did it now but I was young and naieve!) paid for their tickets and they said they'd pay me back. Anyway, long story short their flight gets rebooked, mine doesn't. They come to me saying thanks, don't need those tickets for hundreds of pounds anymore but will sort out when home and exchange emails. Once back home having nightmare trying to reclaim money through Italian train companies etc who say it will take weeks etc. Message the couple asking for money to cover my credit card bill and saying once the refund gets sorted il transfer money back to them. They respond, no, how do we know you won't fleece us out of the money and keep the refund for myself? It was my job to sort out the refund and wait for it etc. I told them the fact I was willing to put hundreds on my credit card for them suggested I was unlikely to scam them but they had no of it. Eventually I got money from them and transferred refund to them after months of bureaucracy. Turns out my dad had looked up their address somehow and wrote them a letter telling them they should be ashamed of themselves for taking money from a young girl and then bring do rude to her. He said he hoped no one would ever take advantage of their children in the same way they had taken advantage of his... their payment came through slightly after the letter apparently...

Yes. I was living abroad and relatives of dp's ex wife had contacted him and asked to visit for a weeks break. I had never met them but dp had quite a long time ago and said they had always got on well. Plus they had a child who had just finished undergoing treatment for cancer and apparantly were having a really tough time and needed a break.

So, I obviously thought, ok why not. They sound like they've really been through it all recently and we lived in a very picturesque, tranquil place.

So they arrived, without the child though, but OK. I thought perhaps they needed a break just the two of them after everything that's gone on.

However they completely ignored me on arrival, which I found extremely weird, but were all huggy and gushy with dp. Brought absolutely nothing with them. I'm not grabby, but I did think perhaps arriving with a bottle of wine or some beer might be polite, considering we had pre-arranged I would cook dinner for everyone that evening. So I put that down to perhaps they hadn't had time to stop off anywhere to buy some.

But it just got worse. They ate with us everyday, not once offered to help or cook or purchase food, or help clear up even. We were really struggling financially at the time so 2 extra people was quite a big deal. They even went to the supermarket on day 4 and returned with wine, just for them, as she didn't like the wine we had in the house very much. Hadn't stopped her drinking it though. Bought nothing back for anyone else. Not even a bag of sweets for the dc or replacement of any of the wine or beer they had already drank every night. And hadn't also mentioned they were going or asked if we needed anything picking up.

I'm still hanging on though to the hard time they had had recently with their child and thinking perhaps they were just so stressed. Then on day 5 I lost all respect for them. The wife mentioned they had only left the dc at home because they were a handful and just didn't want to bring them. THEN, she said they had ALREADY been to spain for a week and were going to Greece in a couple of months time.

So there was me thinking we were being kind, letting them stay with us and thinking it was the only option of a break they had.

I had cooked their dinner every night, after a full days work. They had done absolutely nothing to help out. Had drank all our wine and beer and not replaced. In fact we had replaced and they had also drank the replacements. Used our house like a hotel, expected me to wash their towels once. (I showed her how to use the machine instead).

On the last night, at this point, I was not quiet in my dislike for them. They suggested we all go out for dinner. So we did along with a couple of our friends. When the bill came, we all said we'll split it equally amongst the adults as everyone had pretty much the same with the exception of the odd extra glass of wine here and there, but which pretty much evened out among the couples. BUT my main had been 3 euros more than anyone elses. And they had the cheek to point out that as my main had been 3 euros more, I should pay 3 euros more. Honestly. I just got up and left it to DP. They had stayed for free in my house, not being the least bit friendly towards me, and not lifting a finger and then had the audacity to moan I had spent 3 euros more on my dinner than they did and so it shouldn't be split evenly. In all honesty had I stayed at someones house for free I'd have bought their entire dinner. And also some flowers or other token of appreciation. There was not even a thankyou!!

They were by far the rudest, most arrogant and free-loading people I have ever met.

I am still seething to this day and this was about 8 years ago.

Told a patient if they ever needed me to ring ho. They took me up on this and then I had no lunch break

Going back a few years I offered to help an elderly neighbour with her DLA form. Ive always been good at form filling.

Unfortunately she was a very needy type and soon got her claws in. I found myself doing all kinds of little services for her - phone calls, shopping, and so on. Then she found out that I worked at home 2/3 days a week (I was an academic) and she started dropping by because she was "lonely". She would still be there 2 hours later and my work would still remain undone!

Things came to a head when she moved out of the area and then rang me to ask if I would fill up her new DLA claim. She promised me her son would pick me up and return me in his car so I foolishly agreed. While we were doing the form (it took 3 hours) he sat there drinking beer and watching TV. So he was unable to drive me back. I had no money with me for a taxi as I had expected a lift. I had to ask her for the cost of the fare back and in the end I paid most of it myself. Boy was I angry.

When he found out what had happened my nephew phoned and gave her son down the banks and threatened to call the police if I ever heard from either one of them again.

I often wonder who she got her claws into next.

Nowadays I have as little to do with neighbours as humanly possible and dont open the door unless Im expecting someone.

Yep.

Friend kept going on about a guy we were mutually friends with hitting on her. She said how uncomfortable she was and she just wished it would stop. So me being a decent person messaged him (with her permission) and very kindly told him she wasn’t ready for a relationship and she saw him as a friend. He was a bit embarrassed in the chat but it was a very sensitive conversation.

The guy then later fell out with me for telling lies about it (apparently) and the two of them are still friends to this day 😂. It’s clear she realised she actually liked the attention and decided to lie about me to him and said I did it out of spite or similar. Absolutely pathetic, just when you think you’re trying to support another woman. Not friends with either of them and I’m so bloody glad.
I will never do that again. People can sort out their own dramas.

I will do basic 'good deeds' but nothing that can really backfire

example:

the other day there was a bank card lying on the shop floor near the tills and like 4 people walked past it and just stepped over it and left it there, when I got to it I picked it up and handed it in (because it sucks when you lose a card and its not like it effect my day if I spend all of 10 seconds to pick it up and say 'I think someone must have dropped this')

or

I will take a package for a neighbor who has never been any bother (I had an abusive past neighbor though and he could get stuffed lol)

but I dont let anyone in my home etc... I honestly cant think of anything worse than inviting someone elses kids into my house.

I learned even as a child just how disrespectful other peoples kids could be, after many a play date toys would be stolen/broken, food would be smeared on things and my parents would have had an ear full of rude comments from them.

In general I keep to myself, I dont really ask favours and I dont really do favours - theres a definate reason childcare providers get paid lol.

My child started doing a club in a specialist school just 5min walk from where we live. Another child from her class was in the same club.
I finish work at a time that meant I drove past the school on my way home at picking up time so offered to take the kids from school to club which meant around 40mins of having this child at our house before club started.
The deal was the other parent would drop my child home.
This arrangement was no extra work for me, the other parent would otherwise be picking up child from school, driving 20mins from school to club, waiting at the club till it started and then waiting 1hr during the club before heading home as traffic meant if she dropped and went home she would just have to turn around to collect.
The mum constantly wanted to reverse the situation so she did the initial drop off and I did the driving home.
Was really put out that I didn't want to spend 40-60 mins driving her child home after club when the original offer basically only involved my usual daily routine.
I stopped doing it all together, the kids were not really friends and her child had a real BO problem as well.

yes, earlier on in my design career, I made an offer to a sewing magazine of a hand embroidered cushion for them to offer as a competition prize (mistake number 1!), mistake 2 was agreeing to 2 cushions after the magazine pressured me into doubling what I already felt was a generous offer .

The 2 prize winners, 1 was ok, there was a degree of personalisation involved, and she was very easy going, wrote to me when it arrived to say thank you. The other winner was a nightmare. Rude, difficult, and made complaints about it when it arrived. Never again will I do work for 'exposure'.

@contrmary

No good deed goes unpunished.

This ^

Oh another check parent one

New kids in school , eldest in my child's class, home life seemed a bit chaotic.

Class on a school trip that came back an hour earlier than expected. The mum put out what I though was a genuine sos, she wasn't expecting them back until 4, she was still at work but was leaving now could someone pick child up and she'd be there ASAP.

I said okay no problem, don't panic.
Child didn't know me from Adam but it was Y5 so wasn't upset. Didn't interact with my child at all, they tried really hard to get them to play or do anything, ended up both slumped in front of the telly eating a whole tub of biscuits (not ones my celiac child could eat so I know they ate them all)
Mum didn't arrive until nearly 7. Answered my where are you texts with 'on my way'. Turned up with younger child who stomped into my house with muddy welly's and I had to stop going up the stairs.
I really didn't know what to do. I didn't have enough dinner to include this child as it was the day before shopping day and dinner was leftovers. We would have eaten at 5:30 -6ish so everyone was starving.
I still can't understand I was expecting her to have been planning to pick child up at the time the trip would have been back at 4.
I was so awful.
Learnt from other parents why they hadn't said they would help as she'd done similar before to others.

Off the back of a local FB page offering help to local people I spent lockdown delivering quite a few bags of groceries to some isolating local families including an elderly lady who was very specific about every item she wanted and fair enough but she really cracked the whip. Then it turned out her daughter was popping in every other bloody day with even more shopping! I'd put myself at risk and others at risk going into numerous shops for her. I hate to say it but that wasn't the only CF I encountered around that time.

Oh and the relation who sold pretty much every gift I got her on ebay. I knew her ebay seller name as had bought stuff from her, the sheer brass neck of it still gets on my tits. I don't send her presents any more.

Each and every time I've done a kind deed for someone I end up regretting it as people end up taking the piss and being totally unappreciative.

No I've never regretted being kind. I have, however, regretted being unkind.

I do think to some extent there are people whose tendency is to give and be generous and there are those whose tendency is to take. The trick is to stop giving if you think they are taking the piss & just admit you have been taken the piss out of & move on

I've never once regretted a kind gesture because it's not my fault if someone takes the piss. I just re-evaluate my boundaries and think again next time I might be tempted to do a nice thing for that person.

Found a dog wandering the streets late one night as I was walking my dog, only about 20 at the time.

It was hysterical, no lead, had a collar but no name tag, put my dog's lead on it as it was running in the road, wrestled it home. Called the 24 hour vet and was told to bring it in to check for microchip, the microchip was out of date so left it at the vet and called the police.

The police eventually get a call from the dog's owner and pass my number on. Answer the phone to hear 'WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DOG?!' He accused me of stealing his dog off the park? The park was halfway down the road and I waited with said dog on the street for a good ten minutes to see if anyone came looking. Eventually told me his address under the assumption I would be bringing dog home, told him the vet's address and hung up the phone.

Obviously I don't regret helping the dog but I wish I'd kept him, he was lovely.

Numerous times but I've got tougher as I've got older and share that wisdom.
Saw one junior colleague offering to help another and observed
"Being poor is not the same thing as having plenty of money and spending it all".
This particular person spend the first week after payday living like a king and the rest of the month like a pauper.
Genuine friends in genuine hardship fine, happy to help.

A similar story here. Had a friend from toddler group who would ask for little favours, that turned into big favours once you'd agreed to them. One instance was agreeing to look after her whirlwind of a toddler for an hour or so while she went to an appointment. That turned into the whirlwind being dropped off at breakfast time and collected at dinner time, whereupon she declared loudly that she didn't know what they'd be having for dinner, as they'd be getting home so late, and so we had to eke out our dinner to feed an extra three people. There was then a toddler squabble about who got which plate and usually spineless me declined her suggestion that I should put the whirlwind's food on a different plate because the whirlwind considered the first one unacceptable.

@Rainbowb

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

Ha! I did the exact same thing OP except it was every school morning and it was three terms before I put a stop to it.

The mornings I could handle, it was the almost daily requests from mum to do pick up and evenings too that I started to resent.

Opened my house for my DH's cousin so she could come to this country and study Uni. She lived with us for 1 year in our spare bedroom. We didn't ask any money from her for rent, food or anything. In 3 years we've had christmases, birthdays etc and not one card from her not even a thanks when she left to move out with her new uni mates. We dropped her off everywhere, every airport journey when she went home and back not one thanks. We checked on her frequently when she was house sharing to ensure she didn't need anything. We called her around ours multiple times a week for her to have dinner with us so she wouldn't cook or if she needed anything washed. Fast forward this year, she's been talking behind our back and spreading rumours how poorly we've treated her. My mil and her mum are no longer speaking. Everyone's fallen out with them.

My DH's uncle is now talking to DH to arrange whether he could send his son so he could stay with us, i point blank refused and said no we've had this experience with your niece and I'm never ever allowing my home, my dignity to be trashed like that again. If you want to send your son, DH could arrange a room but nothing more. I'm sorry the grief your niece (DH's cousin is also his uncles niece) has given us has left us with a bad taste in our mouths and never again would we go above and beyond for anyone.