To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

[Rainbowb]

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

A couple of friends whom I trust absolutely, I'd do anything for. (None of the closest ones are either colleagues or parents at DC's school, incidentally).

One thing I do know is that going over and above the call of duty on any form of goodwill/voluntary basis can quickly become an expectation, and then a sense of entitlement. The same goes for my students. Go over and above in terms of, say, dissertation supervision and give more help than necessary, because you feel sorry for them if they're having a hard time, for example.

They expect more and more. They end by wanting you to write the damned thing for them (and you won't). After all that, they do badly after all. Then they blame YOU for the fact that they haven't achieved the graded they wanted. They might even complain to the university, saying it's your supervision rather than their lack of effort/ability that's at fault.

And yes, I have fallen into this trap when I was significantly less experienced than I am now. And I've learned from it. This is not a mistake I'm ever about to repeat.

Clear boundaries are so important. Being a 'people pleaser', as once upon a time I was, gets you no respect. Conversely you seem to receive nothing but contempt for it.

@Whoknows77886

Yes I've had similar. Gifted a cot to a woman in need on Facebook (lesson definitely learned never to fall for a sob story from a Facebook post) and delivered it. I had bought it brand new and used it for a year so it was still in great condition. Her boyfriend helped me unload it and barely said thank you, just a grunt. Lo and behold it was pictured for sale the next day. When I messaged her to ask why she was selling it, she blocked me. Never again!! You try and help someone out of the goodness of your heart and they shit all over you. Never again!

I would have driven straight back round there and demanded it back! What a CF!

'Had' by a zombie thread again. @MNHQ - ever considered closing these things to new replies after a certain period of time has elapsed? Why do people insist on resurrecting these threads (it's not as if they don't carry actual warnings that they're dead threads!)

Went in to my local cafe en route to a baby group. Owner knew I was a lawyer and asked me to witness an affidavit. I agreed. Turned out there were 8 affidavits and exhibits, and 8 different people. Took 45 minutes.

I was so late for baby group I had to pay for a taxi, and they didn’t even give me my coffee on the house .

I've lost count. The one that really gets me riled even now 6 years later is when I got an old school friend a job at the company I worked for at the time.

It was a 6 month contract, this was made clear at the start and he was delighted with this, the money was great compared to anything he'd had previously.

He got kept on for 4 years and when there was a downturn in work and he got laid off he caused nothing but bother. Never again!

Going all out helper mode when my kids were at primary school. Volunteering for everything, repainting play equipment, buying plants for their sensory garden ( spending more than I spent on my own garden) helping in classes, xmas gift wrapping, donating to every cause going ( Catholic school......) bags of chocolate eggs at Easter, donations of food for their homeless food run. Still talked down to as if a child in their school and never ever one word of thanks?! Then I found out that they were not supporting my autistic child’s studies at all, not dealing with the bullying, did not help me when a weird parent started at me while waiting to pick up kids. I wasted so much time and money just wanting to help that school - learnt a lesson.

My 2DCs and I were asked round for coffee/play along with my 2DCs, to my friend's, she also had 2 DCs (all were preschool age). Ten minutes after I arrived, my friend disappeared off on a two hour long work call (pre-planned, but she hadn't told me about it) so in effect I'd been asked round to babysit. I spent the two hours trying to entertain all 4 pre-schoolers in her house and when she finished the call she wanted to go out somewhere, so I was dismissed.

Zombie threads are so annoying but obviously as soon as one person posts on it then the zombie thread message disappears.

Good idea to close to messages after a certain time, I guess if it is the OP coming back to update they could request for it to be reopen? Probably too much hassle though.

Laundry for a new mum of twins who was struggling to keep up with clean washing (well at first it started because her washing machine broke down) I said I could help out once a week with a couple of loads along with my own laundry. A year later (I know complete mug) I found out the said friend got given a new machine off her mum a couple of weeks after it broke plus few of our mutual friends were also doing it her laundry...was she even using her new machine?!

ZOMBIE

Does it really matter if a thread like this is a zombie? It's just a general chat thread for those interested.

Anyway, I often give stuff away on FB and have lost count of the amount of times I've waited in for someone to pick something (usually something really nice - for free!) up and they just don't bother, no message either.

@Tupperwarelid

Bought PILs theatre vouchers one Christmas so they could choose a play to go and watch. FIL said he didn't like the theatre so one of MIL's friend's got a free night out on us. DH takes his Mum now instead.

To be fair, if someone bought me tickets or vouchers for something I didn’t want to go to , say a football match, or a Black Sabbath concert, I would give the ticket to someone who would enjoy it.

Bent over backwards to help (including financially) a dd’s boyfriend I felt sorry for.
Good lesson, though. Beware sob stories - I’ll never be taken for a mug like that again.

Yep.
Helped a mum out a know quite a bit. Then she blamed my DC for something they didn't do. I called her out on it. She got all sweary and I told her to jog on.

However, the thing I regret the most is the lengths I have gone to for my in-laws. Over the past 2 decades, I have bought my SIL lovely, thoughtful gifts. I spent money on things for her, that I wouldn't splurge on for myself. She has never once bought me a gift. I tried to stop it many years ago but caved when she threw her toys out the pram. 2 years ago I just stopped and I am never doing it again. I have been a complete mug.

These days I only help out people who do things for me.

My Mum's partners , his 50 yr old daughter. I am a retired nurse. She wasn't well and wanted to take ill health retirement. They turned her down . I got her to appeal, l wrote the letters out her statements , contacted the Union & got her to enrol for them to fight it for her. I spent a lot of time on her case for her. I bought her and her family,
(27 ppl) Christmas presents & bought her expensive perfume and a dresser from a recycling place for 50, given her lifts, made her meals & puddings because she wasn't well , bought her 12 months expensive vitamin tablets, Gave her Tramadol & Co Codamol l had left over from my back injury for her Dh when he forgot his prescription , it was over Christmas and they couldn't get his pain relief. I am not in the habit of giving strong meds to ppl honestly . Paid half of her Fathers 90th birthday cake she had made 25 quid . I gave her a sewing machine, Bath sheets, blankets, all unused , bought her a dressing gown, a pr of slippers, a Christmas decoration costing £30 . In all l expect l spent around 1200 on her and her family without the things l had that l gave her . As well as the time l spent on her appeal , which was many hours. I bought her all my Mums presents for her to give to My Mum and even wrapped them for her , this was all because they didn't have a penny to bless themselves & l was trying to help because l felt for her .The other day my Mum told her that l had rung her Dads online bank, l hadn't at all, he had asked me to ring his House insurance ppl and she knew l was doing it for him. I told her if she didn't want me to do it that l wouldn't , she said it was ok and to carry on. She went absolutely mental, told me that she had been told l was all out for myself & not to be fooled. She cyber bullied me on my own FB page . She talked to her Sil on FB mentioning no names but it was so thinly veiled it was obviously aimed at me. I immediately blocked her & the Sil and all the family and l am never having anything to do with her ever again. My Mum said to me yesterday 'ahhh it's Easter soon can you get her Grandchildren Eggs for me ?' I told my Mum in no uncertain terms that the purse is well and truly shut . I will never give her another penny again in my life. I look on this as a very good lesson and l am very relieved that l am not having to spend any more of my time and money on this complete user. My daughter said to me 'Mum she only had a drop of what you would have given her , you would have given her so much but she is definitely the loser' . Lesson learned!

@Pyewackect so what? People can post on whatever thread they like.

I don't like the phrase 'no good deed ever goes unpunished, especially if after someone has been let down, they no longer feel like doing a good turn again.

The problem is really the CFs who take advantage of good and kind natured people. The consequence is that we end up living in a society where it's 'every man for himself'.

I don't think all Zombie threads are created equal.

Zombie where someone is asking advice and people are fooled into adding advice at a much later date = bad.

Zombie where people are sharing stories that are not really time sensitive in any way = Good.

Yes I got to know an elderly gentleman through a hobby group. He gave the impression he was recently widowed and wasn't eating properly. For my sins I started cooking and delivering rather nice meals to him twice a week. Did this for six months at rather a lot of inconvenience to me and my family and then found out that at least another five ladies in the group were doing the same, and that btw he had always been single

I'm generally quite good at spotting the advance of CFs but was slightly taken by surprise when I bought as a present for my friend's toddler a Melissa and Doug Locks and Latches Board only for her to open it, snatch it away, hide it under the counter and roll her eyes saying "Oh yeah just what we need, training for him to open locks. Thanks for that. It's going in the bin."

Rude bint.

Like the old saying goes: No good deed goes unpunished.

Yes, I know it's a zombie thread, but an interesting one all the same.

This is a thread from only 8 months ago?
It’s hardly been years that have have passed!
We’ve had threads resurrected from 10+ years occasionally! 😂
Count yourselves 🍀

@Tiny2018

I'm living it now. Due to my twat of an exes landlord losing her job due to Coronavirus, sge was forced to sell the house, essentially leavibg ex and his son homeless. I used the last of my student loan to buy a small caravan to put on the front of my house for him, he agreed to pay half back and pay me money per month towards bills. Last week after he once again began shouting at me and calling me names I told him he will have to leave. He told me if that's the case, he won't be paying anything to me and will stay as long as he needs, go to the council, tell them I moved him in and take my house. I am currently living in a state of misery, not talking to each other, with three children in the house. I knew it was a terrible idea at the time, but I couldn't bear to see anyone homeless. When will I learn.

I'd wait till the caravan is empty, take ex's stuff out and leave in piles on the drive, and get a mate to tow said caravan somewhere else eg to another friend's drive. You can then tell him you sold the caravan

It’s not a time sensitive thread so I don’t get the complaints about it being brought back up. I found it an interesting read.

The main lesson from quite a lot is that “thank you” goes a long way. I can’t think of any big examples as I try not to lend things or sign up for anything that’s going to be a lot of work.

I do remember examples such as picking up someone’s wallet which had fallen out their pocket as they walked along the street and handing it back to them only for them to take it and turn away from me, without any thanks or even a smile or nod.

There is a mum at my kid's school who appears to have a learning disability and I've heard has had a drug addiction in the past, some of her children are in care and to me she appears very vulnerable. She seemed to like me and would often chat. I used to meet up for a coffee with her and then one day I said she could come round to my house. While there she asked me to look online for Ipads as she had no WiFi in hers. She spent the whole time talking about Ipads. After she had gone I had a sudden thought and looked for my daughter's Ipad which had been on the couch. It was gone and a year later I still haven't found it. So my only conclusion is that she stole it. As it was, it was old and didn't work properly anyway and I had ordered a new one so I let it go as I have no way of proving she took it even though I know she did. I am still polite to her and friendly but I can't bring myself to meet up with her anymore and I will never have her in this house again.