To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

[Rainbowb]

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

Sorry for the deluge but I had a lot of responses

Not many as I've never been a soft touch and have also never asked for anything I wasn't willing to pay for. Also never had money to 'lend' as that means giving it. If I don't have it to give then I don't lend it, either. You just say, 'No, I'm not able to do that.'

One group of flatmates at uni I ended up having to buy a small fridge for my room due to flatmates nicking so much (and keep my food in my room).

We once bought a house from a man who'd inherited it from his mother. He'd never lived in it but had been using it as a postal address whilst he worked abroad. Fair enough.

Bought the house, kept getting post for him, return to sender, return to sender.

He showed up one evening and knocked on the door about 6 weeks later. Opened up to him asking for his post. Told him we'd been returning it to sender. He went ballistic! We were supposed to keep his post and every now and again he'd come and get it. He was wanting to 'have a look' in the house, too, see what we'd done to 'his mother's' house.

Told him to get to fuck, we're not his fucking secretaries, it's our house not his ma's and if he came back again we'd ring the police.

Dickhead. Never heard from him again.

He ordered the part, picked it up and went to her house and fitted it right away all he wanted was the £30 for the part that was agreed before he went.

As with so many examples given in this thread, I would cry with happiness if somebody did that for me - and that would be if it were someone I knew. If a neighbour/someone I scarcely knew did it then I'd think the world had reeled on its axis and we were entering the Age of Aquarius.

Not so much a kind gesture that we regretted... more of an overentitled CF who we managed to dodge when he showed his true colours too soon:

DH's cousin lives abroad (in DH's family's country of origin), and is one of those people whose life is always going wrong and it's always somebody else's fault. He got a big inheritance, but managed to lose it all through businesses which didn't work out through "bad luck". Etc etc etc.

He came to visit my PIL in this country and attempted to get their signatures for some complex and rather dodgy property claim in his home country - they were uncomfortable with this and refused, despite the pressure.

After cousin left to go home, he sent DH a truly bizarre email (copied to several other people) about what a terrible host DH was for not carrying the cousin's suitcase downstairs for him at the end of his visit, and not driving the cousin to the airport (he got a taxi instead). Cousin also attached a photo of himself in a hospital bed, claiming that he had put his back out due to having to carry his own suitcase downstairs. Now - leaving aside the question of why anyone would travel with a suitcase they can't carry (cousin is an able bodied and healthy man in his 50s) - DH does not live with his parents, was not there when cousin left, and in fact was away on a business trip abroad at the time, rendering it somewhat difficult for him to provide driving and suitcase-carrying services.

Later on, this cousin then attempted to get DH's own signature for another dubious deal regarding family property. Strangely enough, DH said no, and the last we heard the cousin is being investigated in his home country for forging someone's will.

All the time! A saying in my native language goes like “good deeds breed conflict”

I let my mum stay during covid

One of my favourite quotation pins on Pinterest says:

"Givers - Set limits because takers seldom do."

Yes many times over the years. The worst time of everything being slung back in my face is when my late husband passed 2 years ago by certain members of his family.

The story is too long and complex to regale it all. Needless to say I have very minimal contact with the family now. 2 members of them I never will again.

My late husband would be raging with them and would have plenty to say to them if he could. Not once did they help out when my husband was ill.

The 2 family members did the same when there dad died and caused loads of trouble for others in the family. I shouldn't be surprised really by what happened given the past

Lent my much loved doll's house to my Sis for my Niece to play with. (Sis nine years older than me, Niece born when I was 16) Expressed my upset when Bil totally revamped it without asking if it was ok. Sis said, "I didn't think you wanted it back?" Told her of course I did, I had specifically said I would lend it when she was moaning she couldn't afford to get Niece one.
Niece number 2 arrived shortly after Niece number 1's 7th birthday so, when N1 grew out of it it was revamped yet again by Bil for N2!
I had DD1 just before N2's 7th birthday so when DD1 was 4 I asked if N2 still played with it as I'd like it back, please. I got, "oh that, we sold it last summer at a car boot. N2 hadn't played with it for ages and we thought DD1 was still a bit young and we wanted rid so..."

Oh god yes plenty of times but I never learn!Oh well!

Yes, many times.
I spent years covering for someone I thought was the best friend I'd ever had at work. She had a chronic illness so, at her request, I willingly did a v public part of her job for her because I felt sorry for her. This went on for 5 or 6 years. No one at work realised I was covering for her, they thought it was MY role. It was quite a contentious role for one reason or other so I received a LOT of flack for it. It made me quite depressed at times.
Insult to injury - she happily joined in with the giving of the flack! But because I felt sorry for her I just put this down to her illness and didn't think to challenge her.
She eventually moved on to new victims to use once my goodwill wore out.
Why are people like this???! Show them kindness and they dump on you from a dizzy height.

YES !!
The same people give and the same people take. I genuinely believe sometimes the takers have no idea they are doing it. A very good school Mum friend asked me to take the children to a later start activity I said yes and rearranged my work and assumed a meeting preventing her from doing the run...... until she turned up in her gym kit and said it was her favourite class and hated missing it.

Nothing as bad as a lot of these but I have had a lot of times when I've been left disappointed after helping somebody. Two that springbok mind :
I owned something my sibling admired. At some point, I upgraded and sibling asked if they could borrow the old one. I agree but made it clear it was a loan and at somepoint I was going to use it in another room (for example, a sofa which started out in the living room but which I eventually hoped to put in DCs room). Sibling agreed. About 18 months later, I mentioned to sibling that I would be wanting the item back but said I wouldn't take it immediately as I was happy to give them enough time to find a replacement. After a few weeks, I mentioned again and asked whether they had organised a replacement -my sibling changed the subject. This went on for a few weeks and I mentioned to my mum how strange sibling was acting whenever I mentioned the item. My mum told me that my sibling had sold my item to help fund the replacement!

@contrmary

No good deed goes unpunished.

My dad used to say that!

bought a lovely little house for my DM to rent off us at 2/3 of potential rent when my DF passed away (we pay £300 month on top of her rent to pay mortgage but see it as long term investment) she tried to get out of paying rent once by saying she had given us a cheque already so if we lost it its our fault (she hadn't!), she has NEVER thanked us. She is rude and entitled - my husband really regrets doing this now as she keeps doing really sh**y things and we are kind of stuck with her and are always waiting for the next 'oh I paid my rent its not my fault you lost it'. scenario

Yes!!!!

I brought my friend a really nice expensive ceramic bread tin- but it was quite heavy! My friend was the leaving county the next morning. So I walked all the way to the school (our kids attended the same school) and I handed her the present, she looked at me and said "Thank you, can you keep it for the time being? I'm going back to work, you can drop it by my house in the morning".

I was so pissed, I took the present back home and till this day I have not brought her anything!!!!

I gee up oor and in my 40s through a mixture of luck and work made about 150k on a flat sake in London. Before I used this to buy another place, casually mentioned it to a colleague who asked for a loan. I ended up giving her 2 grand with no hope of repayment as she was always depressed. I didn't have the vocabulary to ask for it back.

Now I donate by dd to charity of my choice. What was I thinking?

@Erictheavocado

Nothing as bad as a lot of these but I have had a lot of times when I've been left disappointed after helping somebody. Two that springbok mind : I owned something my sibling admired. At some point, I upgraded and sibling asked if they could borrow the old one. I agree but made it clear it was a loan and at somepoint I was going to use it in another room (for example, a sofa which started out in the living room but which I eventually hoped to put in DCs room). Sibling agreed. About 18 months later, I mentioned to sibling that I would be wanting the item back but said I wouldn't take it immediately as I was happy to give them enough time to find a replacement. After a few weeks, I mentioned again and asked whether they had organised a replacement -my sibling changed the subject. This went on for a few weeks and I mentioned to my mum how strange sibling was acting whenever I mentioned the item. My mum told me that my sibling had sold my item to help fund the replacement!

Whenever I tried to refuse loaning my sister anything she would throw a massive hissy fit and claim it was "proof" I was a selfish bitch. Wasn't worth the agg.

Years later she presented me with 3 bags of her belongings that I could choose what I wanted from because otherwise it was going to the charity shop. It was like this huge act of showy largesse in front of her now ex husband.

90 percent of the bags contents was my stuff, when I pointed this out she sniggered like it was hilarious. She genuinely didn't realise/ see it as my stuff once she had it.

I mean this is just one of many examples why I now avoid her unless I have no choice but to see her.

For me this is still a very big lesson that I'm still trying to learn. I'm one of those people that tries to remember special dates, think 18th birthdays, special anniversaries etc I love to send gifts and especially because I live in a different country now, it shows I still think about them. Many times these gestures go completely unnoticed, no thanks whatsoever, other times, and these are the ones that hurt the most, is when it comes to my own children's special birthdays or a special occasion for me/my dh we don't even get so much as a text. When I backed off sending things to one family member I was told 'I'd changed!' Really hate having to ask friends/family if they've received a gift/money, like I'm begging for a thanks.

Yes - we once lent my brother in law some money to pay his child support which was in arrears - after waiting ages to be repaid / my husband called him and he was away on a holiday- we couldn’t afford one because that would have been our holiday money- I was furious 😡

Posted too soon. I was livid. To this day, my sibling had never mentioned it, let alone apologised.

The other time I wanted to mention wasn't so much a good deed, as a time when I decided enough was enough. There was a child in DCs class who had been left out of party invitations,was never invited to play etc. I was talking to their mother at pick up time and she just didn't know why her child was always the one left out. I felt sorry for the child and after a discussion with my DC, we decided to invite this child for tea after school one day. On the day we arrived home from school and DC got out some toys and games, only for our guest to be really unkind about them. The child complained that we didn't have a games console or computer, laughed and made fun of dc2 and was generally very unkind to both my dcs. The final straw came when the child told me that my DC had been sent to the headteacher for poor behaviour. DC denied it but the guest insisted it had happened. I could see my child was really upset, almost on the point of tears, so I said not to worry, I'd have a word with the headteacher in the morning. At this pointvthe child said they were 'only joking' and that DC had not been naught at all. I was so cross - in some families that lie would have been enough to get a child into deep trouble. I decided the play date was over and took the child straight home. I told their parent exactly what had happened and I was given the very clear impression that this was not the first time. No wonder the child had no friends!

At university, very early in my first year, I set my housemate (with whom I was becoming really close friends) up with the barman she fancied at our local pub but didn’t have the courage to chat up.

He turned out to be the most sickeningly awful man I have ever met and made the second half of my first year of uni hell. He regularly stole from us all, stank the house out with smoke and stale sweat (I could always tell when he was in the house just by the smell), pulled a carving knife on someone in our halls after a disagreement and hid it in my room. It turned out that he had just got just got out of prison for GBH. Friend then got pregnant by him and dropped out of her degree.

I made a vow that I would never get involved with other people’s love lives ever again.

@CigarsofthePharoahs

Lent out some camping equipment. Came back damaged. I generally have an attitude of not lending stuff unless I know the person very well. I've never offered to do any form of childcare as I know the risk of what happened to you, op, would be too high.

Yes - me too! I had a fab picnic rucksack with crockery and cutlery and lent it to someone who was going to a greenywoowoo festival. Turned out that all the cooking/washing up was communal and someone walked off with our stuff. She replaces it with some horrible items that didn’t fit the bag (everything had a space) so you couldn’t close it (and the replacements were but-ugly). I never borrow things because I’d be terrified if I broke or lost them and things like this I keep well because I make sure that everything it put away properly and I have all the pieces.

Perhaps slightly off topic but many years ago after moving to a new area & before the arrival of kids, we were rung by a friendly local couple who we thought were going to become good friends. "Are you doing anything on Saturday night?" they asked.

Imagining that we were about to be invited out for a meal, we replied "No, we're free on Saturday night".

"Oh, perhaps you could babysit for us then...?" came the actual reply.

We babysat on that one occasion - but we didn't become good friends...

I think you sometimes have to wonder about your acts of kindness and what they say about you. I saw a young girl begging on the street. She was telling passers by she was hungry. I don't like to give money and since it was close to lunchtime I went and bought her a sandwich. I chose cheese and salad because I thought she might be vegetarian. I took it over and said 'I thought you might like this' and she looked in the bag and said 'I like ham, take it back and change it'. I didn't. But I wonder now if I was being judgemental (Not giving cash because I wanted control of what it was spent on) or patronising. I'm not sure.